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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to tell her about her DH?

61 replies

picturerail · 20/02/2011 22:43

My SIL has been married for nearly two years and she and her DH have a baby just over a year old. I found out today through some general noseying and FB snooping (yes i know!) that he has cheated on her recently, probably more than once.

I haven't mentioned anything to my DH (her brother) as obviously the way I found out is very iffy but I'm gutted for her and feel she needs to know. I'm 100% sure that it's true.

TBH I've always found their relationship very strange and we are not particularly close when it comes to personal matters so maybe she already knows and it's been hushed up but WIBU to let her "accidently" find out? I know it's absolutely nothing to do with me but if i was in her position I'd want to know

OP posts:
shesparkles · 20/02/2011 22:46

I think at the very most I'd let her DH know that you know.
If you tell her, you're likely to be treated as "the baddie"

LilQueenie · 20/02/2011 22:46

difficult one. I would be prepared to tell on the chance that if he slept with someone else he may well pass on anythng that was picked up.

cocoachannel · 20/02/2011 22:48

If you managed to find out through fb, won't others?

I'd talk to your DH if I were you. If he finds out you knew and didn't tell him it could cause your marriage stress- his sister after all...

WinkyWinkola · 20/02/2011 22:50

God. What to do? You know. You don't know she doesn't already know and doesn't want her nose rubbed in it or she's cool with it. Or she isn't and might get an std.

You will be bad cop though if you say anything.

Talk to your dh about it. He knows her better than you perhaps?

poochela · 20/02/2011 22:50

talk to your dh about it in a 'saw this on FB and of course it couldn't possibly be what it looks like - but what do you think?' kind of way?

Would he talk to her about it?

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 20/02/2011 22:52

how did you snoop - do you know his fb password or something?

I'm not sure what I'd do in your position though.

tomhardyismydh · 20/02/2011 22:53

tell him you know and if he does not tell her you will have no choice but to tell your DH who will have no choice but to go round and cut his dirty willy off.

but seriously you need to tell him you know and he must tell her or you will.

twinkytonk · 20/02/2011 22:55

Talk to your DH about it. I wouldn't say anything to her if you're not that close.

LemonDifficult · 20/02/2011 22:57

DON'T TELL

Really, can't stress that strongly enough. If it's going to weigh on you then find a good friend who doesn't know them and discuss it endlessly with her. Don't tell your DH for the time being.

I hate having any secrets from my DH so I know that's not great but this is what you got yourself into when you started snooping.

I know you mean the best but people lash out when they're hurt and by involving yourself in this in any way you'll put yourself in the firing line.

FWIW, this happened to my SIL at exactly the same stage with her DS a baby and another on the way. DH and i knew he was a wanker but we were so relieved when she found out herself. We just supported her. I reckon your SiL hasn't got long til she finds out too.

muminthemiddle · 20/02/2011 23:01

I'd do what Poochela suggests.

Bogeyface · 20/02/2011 23:44

I thought the same as Cocoachannel (great name btw!) that if you found out so easily, bearing in mind that you dont have access to emails, mobile phone etc that she may have, there is a good chance she knows. Or that someone else will soon find out.

YOu dont want to get shot as the messenger and cause possible fall out within the family with them blaming you. I would agree that you should show your DH and see what he says and what he feels should be done. I know if my DH knew about something like that with his sister, he would deal with it himself rather than expect me to do it. He would be able to handle it better too.

SueWhite · 20/02/2011 23:46

Do you KNOW?

You say you have snooped on FB. That can be very misleading. Have you seen it first hand?

FabbyChic · 20/02/2011 23:48

You should tell your husband and let him decide how best to deal with it, it is after all his sister.

LaWeasel · 20/02/2011 23:48

If it is so easy to find on fb is it possible that they have an open relationship?

How do you know? Flirty sounding messages or looking photos could be innocent between some friends.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 23:48

I would do what Poochela says too..

readywithwellies · 20/02/2011 23:49

Having been made to look an idiot with an affair going on under my nose I would let her know. But do you want to be responsible for the fall out?

Do it anonymously and be sure of your facts or give her enough information to check it out for herself.

mmsmum · 20/02/2011 23:52

As someone who's partner was cheating on her and was the last one to find out, please find a way of letting her know. When I evenually found our about my ex, then found out everyone else already knew I just couldn't understand why no-one had told me, they just let me go on for months making a fool of myself. I don't speak to any of them now. If you feel you can't, or don't want to, approach her directly, and don't want to involve your dh, then find a way to let her know anonymously, but for goodness sakes don't let her carry on thinking everything is ok when it isn't.

readywithwellies · 20/02/2011 23:53

ex post with mmsmum

readywithwellies · 20/02/2011 23:54

OP - please let her know. The worst part for me was knowing everyone knew my marriage was to shit before I did.

vickster11 · 21/02/2011 00:09

How about this for a plan? Go on fb and go to the information that proves his cheating. Leave the page open and say omg really loudly when your husband is nearby.

Say I was bored and was looking around fb this cant be true can it. Then its up to him to decide whether to tell his sister.

Lots of people are nosey on fb thats why we really go on it.

chezza78 · 21/02/2011 00:12

Can I rant for a moment about my husband?

He usually does the last feed of the day 10-11pm ish and I get up roughly the next 3 times in the night when baby wakes up with wind/hungry/just for fun.

Anyway this evening he had fallen asleep by 10 so I did the last feed for him so that he could carry on sleeping. When I got back to bed he ranted at me and had a go telling me that I would make his life miserable tomorrow. I am now sat up downstairs writing this because I am too pissed off to sleep. Am I out of order to think that I was doing him a favour and that its a bit unfair to accuse me of doing something I haven't even done yet?

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 00:12

Seems that you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Sonme marriages last for years despite affairs - the wife may know, the other woman may well not want to be the next wife, they may have an open relationship, the wife may jusy suspect but adopt the view that as long as he's paying the bills and is a good father she doesn't really care. Or it may go on quietly in the background for years without the wife knowing but be no threat to the marriage UNTIL she gets to know.

Look at it this way... she has a child, presumably a mortgage. How would it benefit her to know? If she is told of it she may throw a wobbly and throw him out... and lose a mortgage/home and quite possibly a loving father to her child. Is it in her interest to know when blissful ignorance miight serve her better?

Unconventional ideas, sure, but worth considering?

BTW, I'm Hmm about the insinuation above that he may well have caught an STD if he's seeing another woman, as if all mistresses are almost undoubtedly prostituting themselves with every Tom, Dick and Harry and must surely be carrying diseases. I note that this comes up every time an affair is mentioned on MN.

chezza78 · 21/02/2011 00:14

crap-sorry I am new think I just posted in the middle of a different thread!

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 00:15

You did Chexxa, but compared to my mistakes yours is nothing! :o

ScaredOne · 21/02/2011 00:16

Vallhala: We might be very different but I find your question in how it wold benefit her really really weird. If my partner would cheat I would want to know right away. Screw the mortgage, whether we have a child or whatever. I would want to know and make the decision what happens next myself. I wouldn't want others to decide it's better for me not to know Hmm

I would tell your husband and go from there. Discuss what the best option is and whether he can tell her whatever.

I would be really angry though if I found out my own amily kept this from me!

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