...to tell her about her DH?

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My SIL has been married for nearly two years and she and her DH have a baby just over a year old. I found out today through some general noseying and FB snooping (yes i know!) that he has cheated on her recently, probably more than once.

I haven't mentioned anything to my DH (her brother) as obviously the way I found out is very iffy but I'm gutted for her and feel she needs to know. I'm 100% sure that it's true.

TBH I've always found their relationship very strange and we are not particularly close when it comes to personal matters so maybe she already knows and it's been hushed up but WIBU to let her "accidently" find out? I know it's absolutely nothing to do with me but if i was in her position I'd want to know

Well Vallhala it wasn't an attack or anything against you. I am sorry if it came across that way. But you did say:

"Sunshine has more or less explained some of what I was trying to say. Her friend was ignorant of an affair, which is now over and is happy in her marriage. Finding out may have incited her to walk when in the big scheme of things she may have been better off staying."

That's what I mean. You say she was ignorant and knowing might have led her to something that in the big scheme might not have been best for her.
But that's your opinion and I think we should leave it to these grown up women to make up their own mind. Maybe she would have agreed to stay with him but maybe she would have preferred to be able to leave.
I am simply disagreeing, not attacking you or changing your arguments.

Some do indeed, Bogeyface, but for some relationships it's a trade-off for both parties.

For every woman willing to turn a blind eye to an affair for the nice house, the private schooling, for not having to work, for the Bahamas holidays, the credit card bill being paid and the car provided and paid for there is a husband who is willing to tolerate an empty/unahppy marriage for the sake of not being taken for half of his income and savings, half of his house, for the sake of not causing raised eyebrows socially and professionally and not devastating aged parents, and for not losing access to or day to day contact with his child... or just settling for an easy life.

As I said, not all mistresses want to marry the men in their lives... which for some marriages suits the wedded couple just fine.

No problems, ScaredOne, we just see things differently. As I said, my suggestion is unconventional but for some I feel it's fitting.

TBH I know what I would do in the OP's position and that's keep schtum, albeit not for the reasons which I have mentioned above but for very different ones.

I agree with Valhalla on a lot of things, but this is one thing we disagree on :)

I can see what she is saying and I know there are some women who do choose to 'ignore' it for their lifestyle - but I believe that's up to the woman to choose (well it's not always the woman is it, just mostly!). I do also see that sometimes if nothing was said it might all just fizzle out, the relationship may continue and it may go on to be a good one - but it just doesn't sit right with me.

I think it's cowardly to do it anonymously, but I'd still rather find out anonymously than not at all.

He's putting it about - she deserves to know. I (once again) agree with Valhalla that him having a mistress doesn't mean she's putting it about and is a big risk - but it doesn't seem like he has one other woman in his life - he seems to be sharing it around. If I was indirectly swapping bodily fluids with other people I'd bloody well want to know about it!

What concrete evidence could you give her (anonymously) without it being very obvious it is you (ie being someone who had access to his laptop)?

I am glad Vallhala. I agree it probably does fit quite a few people.

The OP's situation is very very tricky. If she would have seen other evidence but this way it's really hard. Even if she would let the SIL know anonymously the husband would probably figure out who it was. And if the SIL then decides to stay with him that could be really really hard. Mh, I am torn what I would do but as I would want to know I would probably try to find some way to let her know. Or at least tell him I know so he can take steps?

Valhalla - why would you keep schtum (if it's not for the above reason)?

"Valhalla - why would you keep schtum (if it's not for the above reason)?"

You really want to know?

Because I'm in no position to judge, Chipping.

Val - sorry!! I know that (from other threads/posts/conversations we've had) - it wasn't what I was getting at :(

I thought you meant specifically related to this situation. Please feel free to get both of our posts deleted!

Ah, tis not a problem, please don't apologise Chipping. I've nothing to hide and frankly, as one of a married couple who are both party to the type of trade off I mentioned above, nor has he really! :)

The way you found out was sneaky, and for that reason alone you would be better to stay silent.

If you say anything it will come out how you found out.

The only way round it is if you can tell your DH that you have heard rumours concerning your BIL, not sure unless you all move in the same social circles how easy that would be?

This is so hard.

DH cheated on my after 10 years and information was passed by a virtual stranger to one of my family members so that I could be told. I am very grateful.

OTOH - I know of another situation where the woman has just found out that the man is cheating and the fall out has been quite monstrous.

It's very hard, horrible situation.

How do you think your DH would feel about the fact you went snooping on the laptop. Because...if you think that he will consider that OK, then tell your DH and let him help you decide what to do.