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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to tell her about her DH?

61 replies

picturerail · 20/02/2011 22:43

My SIL has been married for nearly two years and she and her DH have a baby just over a year old. I found out today through some general noseying and FB snooping (yes i know!) that he has cheated on her recently, probably more than once.

I haven't mentioned anything to my DH (her brother) as obviously the way I found out is very iffy but I'm gutted for her and feel she needs to know. I'm 100% sure that it's true.

TBH I've always found their relationship very strange and we are not particularly close when it comes to personal matters so maybe she already knows and it's been hushed up but WIBU to let her "accidently" find out? I know it's absolutely nothing to do with me but if i was in her position I'd want to know

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/02/2011 00:18

take it from personal experience. if as a family member you tell another family member - especially in laws, that you saw/heard about/ found out that they were screwing someone else

they will find a way to make it your fault

you will be a gossip, or a busy body - if they are influential with the family in any way - you will be called an outright liar, despite seeing the partner in the toilets fucking another bloke...oops sorry projecting there

LilQueenie · 21/02/2011 00:19

actually not all stds have symptoms. Even the most cautious of people can get stds. Not all stds are caught sexually but can still be passed on that way. If my partner cheated on me Id sure as hell want to know.

mmsmum · 21/02/2011 00:20

How would it benefit her to know? Are you being serious! I'm speechless

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 00:21

You're probably right ScaredOne - I speak with no experience of being the cheated-upon wife.

I do know the type who know of their DH's affairs though, and who prefer to turn a blind eye to them, presumably for the sake of/inb return for having a nice home, good income, good father to their child and so on.

ScaredOne · 21/02/2011 00:24

Yeah but then it's their decision and not yours. Maybe I am a bit sensitive but my dad left us when I was little. My mum later found out that the other women had been around for ages, even when she was pregnant with me. She always said it was horrible that his whole firm and some of their friends knew and she didn't. People probably thought it didn't benefit her being pregnant and all but you can bet she would have preferred to know there and then instead of being lied to for years.

I think it's every wives decision to make for herself, not someone else's.

Not making it easier for pictureall though. I would have no idea HOW to tell

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 00:27

Very good point, ScaredOne. :)

Original poster

picturerail · 21/02/2011 00:27

The more I think about it, the less I want to say anything. I'm 100% sure I've got it right as we borrowed their laptop and I looked at his FB (again i know!) and saw messages between him and at least two girls arranging to meet and talking about it afterwards. There was also a message from one of his family members who is also in a long term relationship with children talking about their "girlfriends."

DH will go spare about me snooping but i'm not sure how he'll react to the news himself. He'll be angry but I'm not convinced he'll tell SIL. They aren't particulary close and he may not want to get involved as the fall out for her and with my PIL will be unbearable. He will want me to stay out of it too.

I think the most appropriate thing to do is tell her anonmously but I haven't a clue how to go about this. As someone has said hopefully he will be stupid enough to leave the laptop or his phone open where she will find it...

OP posts:

CarnivalBizarre · 21/02/2011 00:29

In my experience OP I would be tempted to keep my mouth shut - I agree that your SIL has a right to know but having been in this situation and having been ostracised from the family and been called a shit stirrer and a liar I would never get involved in anyones business again

I have lost my sister and her children and even my parents through telling the truth

Just keep your mouth shut, she will find out herself eventually - sorry :(

cumfy · 21/02/2011 00:33

Odd. Why would he lend his laptop, when its got incriminating stuff on ?

You should have just emailled "himself" a screenshot or 2 when you had it. :o

Or made it his screensaver.

LauLauLemon · 21/02/2011 00:42

How to tell her anonymously.

A letter. Presumably you know her address or could easily find out. Type the letter with the information you have and the url of anything that is public.

An e-mail. You can make a new e-mail address and send it from there. She won't be able to trace the IP easily if she's not privvy to how and I doubt she'd bother hiring someone. For extra safety, do this from a public computer in a library/internet cafe.

Text her. Get some free Sim cards online and send her a text anonymously. You don't have to reply to subsequent texts/answer the phone on that number and you can bin the card when you're done.

readywithwellies · 21/02/2011 00:56

A letter is how my exh got found out. Still don't know, two years on who wrote it. Wish I knew so I could thank them

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2011 01:00

Nooo! How can anonimity ever be appropriate? She'll be forever pondering the motives of a stranger who has told her terrible things.

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2011 01:03

Blimey, ready. I stand corrected...wow.

LaWeasel · 21/02/2011 01:18

If you want to send a letter I would just print the pages straight off fb so the evidence is as it is iykwim.

LemonDifficult · 21/02/2011 09:06

I've read through the thread again and although in your place OP I'd be desperate to act, Custardo is right. Especially in famillies. This is going to be messy when it comes to light - which it will - and you want no part in it.

There is no reason for your SiL to know that you knew, even after a discovery, so you won't have to explain yourself to her.

Don't do the anonymous tip. You'll get found out and yes, people will then question your motivation and it will all be come another Thing.

TheSugarPlumFairy · 21/02/2011 09:19

Valhalla, what you describe is a life built on quicksand. She may well already know in which case this information is not going to make a jot of difference. But if she doesnt know then this information will at least give her a choice. Everyone deserves a choice.

Re the STD issue, i would not infer it as a slight against the OW as such, i think it more to do with the husband. If he has been putting it about town with a variety of women then it is not impossible that he could have picked something up along the way.

When i was recovering from my husbands affair i met many other betrayed partners who had been inadvertently infected by wayward spouses. For some it was how they found out.

SunshineisSorry · 21/02/2011 09:29

Keep mouth firmly shut! If it were your sister, quite different, but any comebacks will not just involve you but your DH, consequently putting a strain on the pair of you.

I found out my best friends husband was having an affair, did i tell her? Did i fuck!! That was at least four years ago, and just lately my friend and her DH seem happier than ever - i dont know if she ever found out, i do know however that it is over. What would have been the point of telling? Of course i have lost all respect for the DH but its not my place to tell. It just wasn't.

ThePosieParker · 21/02/2011 09:35

I would copy and paste it from his private messages to his wall, without telling anyone.....that way he loses.

ccpccp · 21/02/2011 09:55

You borrowed someone elses laptop, then went through the private messages?

For that crime alone, you deserve to suffer in silence on this one, and hope that SIL finds out in her own time.

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 10:19

Equally, SugarPlum, I know a fair few women who have been the "OW" and a lot more men who have had affairs and who haven't caught STDs any more than men and women who are single and who enjoy non-adulterous relationships. We can easily match each other anecdote for anecdote, I suspect. :)

Sunshine has more or less explained some of what I was trying to say. Her friend was ignorant of an affair, which is now over and is happy in her marriage. Finding out may have incited her to walk when in the big scheme of things she may have been better off staying. I don't know the statistics but (anecdote alert again!) going on what I do know most married men don't leave their wives for the mistress... and an increasing number of women, it appears to me, don't want them to either.

ScaredOne · 21/02/2011 10:33

But what if this particular woman wants to? I would never ever forgive an affair due to my family history. I would break contact with anyone who knows about it and doesn't tell me. I think it's ridiculous to say that many people are happy due to their ignorance. I'd rather be unhappy and single than be with a guy who is screwing around behind my back and being the idiot because everyone else knows.

I think everyone deserves a fair chance to make up their own mind. I don't see how anyone can think they can make these decisions for others!

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 10:58

I'm not saying that this is for everyone, ScaredOne, it's just a passing thought.

And nowhere have I said that many people are happy due to their ignorance. Please don't re-write what I've said to suit your argument. :)

I do however know some who have been and some who have thrown a lot away when the affair was never serious and never going to last anyway. (Anecdotal again). And some might prefer not to know and/or be happier and better off not knowing, as might their children. It's horses for courses, what works for you may not work for the next woman. There are no set rules and I don't think that I ever insisted that there are or that there should be.

Bogeyface · 21/02/2011 11:19

Its surprising how many women do put up with affairs as a trade off.

My aunt has done this her whole married life. Admittedly I suspect thats because she knew that my bastard uncle would have made her life hell if she had left. He wouldnt have thought twice about cutting his own nose off to leave her with no money etc But it was a trade off that allowed her to live in a nice home with her children and give them a stability they may not have had otherwise. Also, it was known that no one in the family wanted her to marry him as they knew what he was like, and perhaps she didnt want to admit defeat. They are now retired and still living together but she is utterly miserable as he is an even bigger bastard. His pulling days are over and I think he takes it out on her.

It isnt a life I could live but we all make decsions for what we think are the best reasons at the time.

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/02/2011 11:27

OP, as hideous as BIL is, if you get involved, this will not end well for you.

I hate cheats, the SIL deserves to know, but I'm sure he'll slip up one day and she'll find out.

You are not overly close to her, when and if it all hits the fan, you can make the choice to be there for her, but keep well out of it until then.

Horrid situation.

foreverondiet · 21/02/2011 11:29

I think in these circumstances you need to keep quiet because of the circumstances in which you "found out".

Perhaps you can find a way to tell BIL that you know but that you will not say?

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