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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking my dd shouldn't still be having accidents

56 replies

TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 15:47

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post.

My dd, just turned 7 was a nightmare to toilet train, we tried when she was 2 and gave up because she wasn't interested, left it a while and tried again when she was approaching 3 and struggled for probably a good year.

At night she got it straight away, probably only had one wet bed, she just got straight up and used the toilet in the night not problem at all.

Anyway we eventually got there but she has continued to have more accidents than I think is acceptable, they tend to be when she's playing on her DS, or on the internet and she doesn't want to leave off what she's doing. It probably averages out at once a week, but it can sometimes be three days in a row.

My policy is that she stops doing whatever it was that she was doing at the time and doesn't do it again for the rest of the day.

There was an accident this morning and I took away the laptop and also said we wouldn't go swimming.

Am I being harsh?

Has anyone got any advice?

I don't really want to go back to a toilet training chart, but I will if it will help.

She is a very bright girl, confident and outgoing, I genuinely think she just puts off going until it's too late.

She's going away with Brownies this year and I really want to try to get this sorted before then.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 19/02/2011 15:50

Have you seen a GP. If there is something physically wrong - punishing her is not the answer. But if there is something psychologically wrong - a phobia for example - counselling might be the answer. Either way, you GP is the most logical step.

LaWeasel · 19/02/2011 15:51

I would say that 7 was quite old to have sch regular accidents. Have you seen a doctor just to check everything I'd okay on that side?

Only other advice would be to get her into the habit of going at set times everyday and making it a habit if she is so easily distracted. Before every meal say. Or before any distracting toy.

StarlightPrincess · 19/02/2011 15:53

I can understand where you're coming from, but like punkatheart said, punishment is not the answer.

I still wet the bed until I was 9 because I was having trouble at school. There may be an underlying issue here which is manifesting itself through the bedwetting.

Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 15:54

There's no bedwetting, she's fine at night and at school.

It only happens when she's distracted by something she's doing.

OP posts:
woopsidaisy · 19/02/2011 15:55

Well, I would suggest "set" times for the toilet. Sit down and talk to her about it. She could help you draw up a chart with set times to go. Say at 2/3 hour intervals.
Does she gat upset when she has an accident?
Also if she has an accident,make her have a shower,put clothes in laundry basket and sort out clean clothes and get herself dressed. Might be more hassle than not bothering to go to the loo.
I'd say this is common enough,try not to make it too big an issue. It will only make it a very stressful situation.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 15:55

I am an adult.. and I often get totally involved in something on the internet, and put off going till the last minute/seconds. I get there of course but I am an adult not a child.

So I can see how easily it could happen.

I assume this doesnt happen at school, or when she is out... so really it is an issue of being able to stop what she is doing on the laptop, and going to the loo rather than waiting until it is too late.

I think you have done the right thing in taking the laptop away. I dont think its fair to stop the swimming.

YesPleaseDrChristian · 19/02/2011 15:55

Don't punish at all!

Go and see GP on your own first as I don't think it's fair to discuss infront of her initially.

Ask for a referral to incontinence nurse/paed for further investigation

What is she like at school?

Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 15:56

Do you think there could be a medical problem, she can manage to go to the toilet the majority of the time without prompting.

OP posts:
StarlightPrincess · 19/02/2011 15:58

There could well be. Someone I know has a night-time incontinence problem due to them having a reflux bladder.

Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 15:59

She's fine at school.

We talked about it this morning and I explained that if she'd left the laptop and take a couple of minutes to go to the toilet she could have carried on playing and that it really wasn't worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 16:00

Do you think seeing the school nurse would be an option?

OP posts:
YesPleaseDrChristian · 19/02/2011 16:01

tea there could be a medical problem, certainly.

Perhaps the bladder is not emptying fully? Or is immature? Or possible there is a mild but ongoing UTI or bladder infection?

My good friends 4yo is on medication to 'stabilise' her bladder as it's not emptying fully and she is having lots of very small accidents throughout the day.

YesPleaseDrChristian · 19/02/2011 16:02

No accidents at school?

How big are the accidents at home? Does she start then stop and do the rest in the loo?

YesPleaseDrChristian · 19/02/2011 16:03

Does she drink enough over the day?

Bogeyface · 19/02/2011 16:03

My sister used to do this and it isnt a medical thing or an "issues" thing. She just didnt like to miss anything so she would leave it until the absolute last second and rarely made it. At school and times when there wasnt something taking her attention then she was fine. It drove mum INSANE. Mum could see that she needed to loo and would say that if she didn go then she wouldnt be allowed to watch the TV or play out or whatever it was. She got it in the end but it took some doing as she simply didnt see gettting to the loo in time as important compared to playing! Oh and being made to clean up her own mess too, rather than mum cleaning it up.

I hate this assumption that a child not taking care of their own toilet needs when they are more than capable must have problems! Sometimes they are just like that and dont want to move away from what they are doing!

Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 16:04

There's no sign of a UTI.

This is also not generally small accidents this is emptying her bladder fully because she can't hold it any longer, or emptying it partly on the way to the toilet.

This morning it was a poo she needed rather than a wee.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 19/02/2011 16:05

The problem is, the more 'fuss' you make around the issue - the more it becomes traumatic for you both. It is often the same with children and eating issues. My friend is a counsellor and her best bit of advice (when I asked her) was that parents too often don't realise how unpleasant meal times can become if you have to win every battle.

You really do need to have her bladder checked. Even if she is having accidents when she is concentrating on something else - she is still having accidents when full control should be achievable. There clearly is something wrong. Also you say she is fine at school - but there is clearly an issue at home that needs to be addressed.

Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 16:08

bogeyface That's how it feels to me and it's very frustrating.

I don't like being cross and upsetting her though, but I don't know what else to do, and it's going to start affecting her social life because at the moment I'm not sure I can let her go away for nearly a week with Brownies.

I am worried now though that there might be a medical problem and I'm punishing.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 16:11

If she is on the laptop but fidgeting away with her feet or legs, or adjusting her postition a lot then chances are she needs the loo.

She is too engrossed in what she is doing, and leaving it till the last minute, thinking she has time then realises too late that she doesnt.

I doubt very much it will happen at Brownies, because she wont want to embarass herself in front of her peers, and will make sure she gets to the loo in time.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 16:12

How about banning computer use for a week. See if it happens in that time.

If it doesnt then you know where the problem lies.

Punkatheart · 19/02/2011 16:12

You are punishing because you are feeling anxious - it is understandable. You want to take control because it is frightening you as a mother. But I have had things I am terrified about - my child has one kidney and wet herself twice on a school trip - she was older than your girl. But it has sorted itself out - there was no real problem. Find a sympathetic GP and just talk. You will feel better and your DD will feel that she has a voice.

Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 16:12

Obviously I'm not there at school, but I haven't noticed a problem, she isn't coming home wet.

I suppose at school they get prompted to go the toilet at regular intervals.

Maybe I need to go back to regular prompting.

I'll speak to my DH about taking her to the doctors.

What is involved in having her bladder checked?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaOneSugar · 19/02/2011 16:16

I am totally confused now.

I'll have another chat with her later and see if we can agree on a plan.

OP posts:
HowFuckingRude · 19/02/2011 16:21

I would say this is just a case of a child getting too engrossed in something and leaving it too late. Children don't have the same perception as us where timing is concerned - we might time it so we get there literally just in time but they misjudge it.

It's the same reasoning that apparently a child cannot properly judge the speed of cars accurately until they are 9 (I think) so need supervision when crossing roads. Something to do with the development of time/distance perception.

Punkatheart · 19/02/2011 16:22

Don't be confused - the problem is a relatively common one. My sister had a problem with her son recently - again it sorted itself out but she was getting very wound up and stressed - it made the situation worse.

Try and relax a little and do something nice with your DD, like a DVD together and a treat. Make the lines of communication open. Give her a hug. Have a nice weekend together.

Children sometimes wee themselves when there has been a major change in a family or if they feel stressed. But she simply sounds busy.

Try not to worry. My sister was so upset and worried about her son but he is fine now. It will pass and you will look back and say phew.