to not want my brother to stay with me over easter?

[PavlovtheCat]

My brother wants to come and visit us in Devon from London. I want him to come and visit us (us being me, DH, DD aged 4 who has met twice and DS 14 months who he has not yet met).

Our family:
We live in a 3 bed apartment (two double bedrooms and a shoe box).

Both children get up early, at the latest 6-6:30am, but often as early as 5am (the littliest one). I often go to bed early to manage this.

The children are, as expected, lively from the moment they wake to the moment they go to sleep.

We are on one income which is manageable but little expendable income.

We do not have a spare room for him to sleep in so he will need to sleep in the front room on a sofa bed.

My Brother:

He does not drive. He states he cannot afford to drive but suspect he might have lost his licence through drink driving again.

He smokes like a chimney, used to smoke pot but states he gave up over a year ago.

He is an alcoholic.

I have not seen him for about 3 years. I have not spoken to him for over a year, only conversations when he has been pissed before christmas. I told him to sort his shit out before getting back in touch. He now claims he has. I am dubious.

He is a night owl, and as he works hard and gets up early doing manual work (welder) and likes to sleep in on his days off.

He is not the best house guest, not a person to offer to clean up after dinner for example.

He has no children, the last time he was here we had one lively 2 year old. He found it hard work (but fun). Now we have a lively 4 and 14 month old. With the best intentions in the world he will find it hard!

So, that is him and us. I want to see him, and there are several hotels/B&Bs within walking distance, or we can drive him back. He can come and have breakfast with his/we can meet for breakfast etc and he can have meals with us, only need to sleep there, but can sleep til he wants, won't have to fight for the bathroom, and we won't have to tiptoe around til he decides to get up.

And, I just don't want someone who has been out of my life and so not in sync with how we are/or us him living in my personal space for 4 nights, so 5-6 days!

I am not being unreasonable to want him to stay in a B&B locally am i? he thinks I am.

YANBU

he either stays in a B and B or doesnt come!

And if he did stay with me I wouldn't be tiptoeing around in the mornings either!

Have you told him why it isn't reasonable for him to stay with you? Having read your description, especially what time your children get up, I wouldnt want to stay the night LOL.

It wouldn't sit right for me to make him go to a B&B. How long is he planning on staying? You do have a second bedroom, can't you bring the babies in with you for a couple of nights. At least that way he wont be on the sofa. Oh and I would let them wake him up and generally disturb him as much as possible (that way he might choose the B&B himself next time )

ginger yes, i have told him, not so descriptively mind! And that is what surprises me. i would not want to stay the night! He must be insane to even want to do it!

I would not tiptoe around exactly, but you know what I mean. If he is asleep at 5am, I would feel bad walking into the front room to feed DS, and would not be able to go up to DDs room (in the loft) as she will still be asleep (this won't be forever this early morning, working on it! but for now, that is how it is).

He says that he spends most of his life in B&Bs due to work (travels around for jobs I guess, don't really know) and he wants to stay with us to 'spend some time with you guys'. He is a bit of a guilt tripper in how he words it. I said that he will be spending time with us as he will only be staying down the road!

look, you just say to him "you can come and stay but just so you know, the baby gets up at 5am and since we dont have a spare room you'll be sleeping in the lounge you'll get woken up then too!"

pheebe the third bedroom, DS room is not big enough for a proper bed, it is tiny! (curse of a dodgy 'builder', a whole other thread, been done!).

So. I would have to have DD downstairs with me so brother goes upstairs (in loft room), where he will attempt to smoke out of the skylight window! When my MIL stays, we go upstairs with DD and she has our room. BUT, she is 74, and she does not snoop, or if she does she does it quietly. She is deaf and takes our her hearing aid to sleep so has lovely lie-ins while the kids run riot!, and a fab houseguest!

If I had a spare room, I would have no problem with this, as he could have his own space, go to bed when he liked etc, and at least smoking out the window won't be a fire risk!

If he didn't smoke in the loft, would it be okay for him to sleep there? Tell him that there is no way he can smoke in a child's bedroom, and you will be able to smell it.

He may know that you have your MIL to stay so can't see why he can't stay as well.

YANBU by the way. I hated having houseguests when my DCs were at the early waking stage. (It is a stage, they will stop one day....)

Do you really want him to come as it doesn't sound like it.

I would do the same as when your MIL stays and put your brother in the loft room. Why do you think your brother is going to snoop? You haven't seen him for 3 years which is a very long time surely you can have a little inconvenience for a couple of days.

As long as you state your ground rules ie; no smoking and it won't exactly be peaceful and relaxing with 2 small children, its up to him to put up with it and if he doesn't like it he will have to go to B&B.

Why is he coming? You obviously don't want him to so why let him make a a pointless journey?

pilates my brother is an ex-drug user, which is why i beleive he will snoop. I do not know him well enough to know he will not snoop. He might. He might not.

I do want to see him, it has been a long time and a lot has happened over the years. But it has been too long for him or me to be comfortable around each other for such a long time each day.

We have to build relationships somewhere don't we? should I avoid him for the rest of my life? Is it either he comes and stays with me for the whole of easter or i should not see him at all?

@Gwendoline
No, I think the OP genuinely would like to have him over, but has her doubts about how things will be when he does.

OP, I understand how you feel (even though my little one hasn't popped out yet). My brother drinks, does drugs, doesn't drive and smokes. I'd love to have him over but he'd have to leave all of that behind otherwise he's not stepping one foot in my house.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable by asking him to be in a B&B, it will be hard for him if he really does have little money - but there are always hostels/backpacking hotels if he wants something cheaper, too. That, or he sleeps on the couch and understands the fact you have children and they aren't going to care about bothering him when they do wake up!

I also personally wouldn't let him smoke unless he's at least outside and in a position where it won't travel back into the house.

zachary he doesn't know my mother in law stays. She is elderly, frail and travels from USA to visit us. I will not have her sleep on an air mattress, and I will not have her stay in a hotel where we can't take a bit of care of her. She is my only parent. My brother can take care of himself!

yukana he only has little money as he spends it all on alcohol!

I don't mind him smoking outside, DH smokes outside, that is fine with me. If it is bloody freezing/chucking it down, I don't even mind them smoking in the kitchen near the back door if the kitchen door is open, once the children are in bed.

But he has stayed with us before. With one child and it was hard work. and with a non-sleeping 1yo and early risers and his ways clashing with mine, I just can't see how it will work.

I am looking forward to him meeting the children again, and us going out and doing stuff together. It is the domestics and his own bad habits I am not looking forward to.

gwendoline no need to be so rude really with you curt tone. How on earth do you know I don't want him here. Our lives are different, not wanting to live with family for a period of time is not the same as not wanting to see them.

When I visit my family (my other brother) up north who have three children, I would not be so inconsiderate as to impose on them by making them change their entire routines for their children, rooms etc to make space for me. I stay at the nearest, cheapest B&B and we catch up and we ALL get our own space. Nothing worse than outstaying your welcome somewhere.

I'm not being rude, I'm asking a straightforward question. I obviously touched a nerve. Your posts are nothing but excuses as to why you can't have him in the house. You do have space as shown by your MIL's visits. So be honest with him and don't put yourself or him in this position.

Has your brother said he will not come if he has to go to B&B?

I suppose you have to weigh up how much you want to see him if there is a risk he will not come if he has to go to B&B.

Would he compromise with you and (lessen the expense for him) by staying with you for a couple of days and BB for a couple of days?

Would it be easy for you to go and see him in London?get a family room in a premier inn for a couple of nights

i think that a firm message that you would love to see him/the kids would love to get to know uncle but the best way to do this is for him to stay locally and meet up for days due to lack of space.

honestly, just stick to that.

my db has an 11 hour flight to visit us- he stays in a hotel when he does. Yes we could just about all squash in but we genuinely enjoy it a lot more when he is in a hotel. also, as he has american holidays (ie about 2 weeks a year) the last thing he needs is to be exhausted from trying to fit into someone elses routine.

i did feel awkward when we had dc3 and i realised that this meant no spare room. but he was sensitive enough to realise this!

When I had my brother to stay and we lived with 2 small kids in a 2 bedroom flat, I offered him the choice of the sofa or for us to have smalles DS in our room, and him sharing a room with DS1.

We told him we'd love him to stay with us, but that obviously the downside for him would be early mornings.

He chose to stay with us, and once he realised what time small kids get up, he started going to bed as early as we normally do. ie, he adapted to fit in. We had fun.

I think it's nice to at least offer him to stay with you, and if you explain about kids getting up early, he can make an informed decision.

It somehow sounds as if you don't really want him to come. Would he really be so disrespectful as to smoke in your house?

I think you should let him come and stay, but he has to follow your house rules while he's there, ie no smoking in the house, make sure he is fully aware of the hours your DCs get up so he knows he will have to get up when you get up etc. Then it's up to him, if he doesn't like the "rules" he can stay in a B&B and just spend the days with you.

I think quite a few people are missing the point. Would you really let an alcoholic who you don't know sleep in your house with your young children just because he is a blood relative? I wouldn't. He may be a lovely reformed character now. He might not. You don't know until you see him.

To the OP: I would just say you are very sorry but you don't have the room, and give him the details of the nearest B&B. If he wants to see you and is mature enough, he will understand. If not - did he really want to see you or did he want a cheap holiday in Devon?

Sorry you are having to make this decision - we have a similar problem with my brother.

YANBU to not want him staying in your flat. From your description, I wouldn't want him staying with me! (sorry OP's brother).

I wonder if the reasons he doesn't like the idea of a B&B are

1. spending his money
2. he just doesn't understand at all the hassle for you of shifting your life around to accommodate him. He doesn't know how much the kids will disturb him, he doesn't know how much work it will create for you.

I have had issues with my family lately, and have come to the conclusion that people who haven't spent much time around small kids just have no idea how hard work it is and how you can't compromise your life.

So I think he isn't BU either, just naive.

All you can do is politely stick to your guns and be prepared for him not to come.

vj think you got it really. I do love him, I do want to see him, but I do not know this 'new' him. Just before christmas he was an alcoholic who refused to get help. Now he says he wants to sort himself out. Not really sure how he has done that as like I said i don't actually talk to him verbally, he won't answer his phone, just texts/emails me.

compo offered this, he does not want me to visit him where he is. I suspect/know really he is not proud of his place (shares a house with others) and wants to get out of london for a bit.

So someone you haven't seen in years, who you have had a troubled relationship with, wants to come and live in your house for a week?

Wouldn't it be easier to start with coffee or lunch first?