to not want my brother to stay with me over easter?

[PavlovtheCat]

My brother wants to come and visit us in Devon from London. I want him to come and visit us (us being me, DH, DD aged 4 who has met twice and DS 14 months who he has not yet met).

Our family:
We live in a 3 bed apartment (two double bedrooms and a shoe box).

Both children get up early, at the latest 6-6:30am, but often as early as 5am (the littliest one). I often go to bed early to manage this.

The children are, as expected, lively from the moment they wake to the moment they go to sleep.

We are on one income which is manageable but little expendable income.

We do not have a spare room for him to sleep in so he will need to sleep in the front room on a sofa bed.

My Brother:

He does not drive. He states he cannot afford to drive but suspect he might have lost his licence through drink driving again.

He smokes like a chimney, used to smoke pot but states he gave up over a year ago.

He is an alcoholic.

I have not seen him for about 3 years. I have not spoken to him for over a year, only conversations when he has been pissed before christmas. I told him to sort his shit out before getting back in touch. He now claims he has. I am dubious.

He is a night owl, and as he works hard and gets up early doing manual work (welder) and likes to sleep in on his days off.

He is not the best house guest, not a person to offer to clean up after dinner for example.

He has no children, the last time he was here we had one lively 2 year old. He found it hard work (but fun). Now we have a lively 4 and 14 month old. With the best intentions in the world he will find it hard!

So, that is him and us. I want to see him, and there are several hotels/B&Bs within walking distance, or we can drive him back. He can come and have breakfast with his/we can meet for breakfast etc and he can have meals with us, only need to sleep there, but can sleep til he wants, won't have to fight for the bathroom, and we won't have to tiptoe around til he decides to get up.

And, I just don't want someone who has been out of my life and so not in sync with how we are/or us him living in my personal space for 4 nights, so 5-6 days!

I am not being unreasonable to want him to stay in a B&B locally am i? he thinks I am.

Pavlov,

I would not have him staying in your flat under any circumstances; his life and lifestyle is inherently unstable. Do not let him guilt trip you into providing him with a few free days in your home.

How is he going to travel down to Devon anyway?.

You do not fully know what he is like these days but he is also not your responsibility either. You probably feel a sense of responsibility as you are his sister but you really should not. He is an adult and makes his own choices, he chose this. He says he wants to sort himself out; staying with you as well is not sorting himself out. He I daresay has no intention of sorting himself out. Words are cheap after all.

He probably can't afford to stay in a B and B either primarily because he drinks it all away.

I don't think YABU, small children and recovering alcoholics don't sound as if they are going to be a good mix in a small space.

As an olive branch if you are going down the you need to stay in a B&B route, can you do some research, see if you can find the cheapest one for him. I know you are on one income but maybe offer to pay half if you possibly can. I say this as it just seems a bit inhospitable to me for someone to come and visit you and be told they can stay in a B&B pay for it themselves and like it or lump it, but I have little experience of alcoholics so I could be wrong on this.

porkchop we have not had a troubled relationship!!! He has ad a troubled life. We have always got on well. But contact with a drug using alcohol consuming wandering is hard to keep.

I love how people read whatever they please into threads in order to respond according to their current mood

An alcoholic with a drug problem would not be stepping foot over my threshold, brother or not. Alcoholics and drug abusers often lie about being clean and making a fresh start and until and unless I was 100% convinced that this was the case he'd come nowhere near my children.

If my alcoholic, drug abusing brother wanted to build bridges he would have to make the effort and that would mean spending time with me away from my children.

If I were in your position I would be telling my brother all of the above in no uncertain terms. The rest would be down to him and, if he wasn't prepared to make the effort would be his loss AFAIAC.

found a very close cheap hotel (premier inn) within walking distance from us.

He has stayed in a B&B before, it went well and he had said then that he would stay there again when he came up. At the time he had wanted to stay there after staying with us before that, likes his sleep!

But that was a few years ago now, and obviously he is skint and cannot drive any more (it was about 30 mins walk away).

vallhalla that is sort of how I feel. I am happy for him to see the children. He had not ever used drugs or been drunk around my DD when he was here last two times. he knows I would kick him out.

But, he has a habit of getting very drunk in the evenings and being all maudling about how shit his life is.

I guess part of me is wanting to avoid that as much as anything else. If he was a wonderful houseguest I would deal with the overcrowding/sleep issues. But all of that together, fills me with dread! The day times will be fine!

I think it depends on how much you want a relationship with your brother. You don't sound particulary bothered so YANBU

I think he will be filled with panic at the thought of 'wasting' his booze money on B&B accommodation.

It's easier for you if it's text/email only, though I have to say it's a little weird (and not really a good sign) that he doesn't pick up the phone and call you. Just give him the name of a couple of B&Bs and say "You'd hate it here, we go to bed really early, no smoking in the house and you'd have to sleep on a sofa and get up at 5am when the kids get up."

The smoking would drive me mad to be honest - I really hate it - there's no way a heavy smoker can even be in the house without making it smell vile.

As for the drinking, the thought of listen to someone whine and complain whilst getting pissed isn't exactly endearing, is it?

I don't think you have a duty to make sure he doesn't spend money on a B&B - presumably he'd be having his meals with you and spending time with you. You're being very reasonable.

Oh and if I thought someone was going to snoop around my house, I wouldn't see them at all.

Ah if your brother has stayed in a hotel before then its not as bad to insist he does it again - you could stress how much better it was for everyone when he stayed in the B&B and how he likes his sleep.

OTOH 30 mins walking seems quite far, is there nothing closer?

I can't imagine how rubbish it would be to have someone getting drunk and rambling in the evenings, I have a friend like that and I only see her during the day as I can't be bothered listening to her ramble on.

What is your definition of an alcoholic?

Someone who works hard and does a manual job does not sound like a druggie alcoholic to me.

Welders have to be with it when they are working as they operate machinery.

Do you mean he gets pissed now and again in the evenings and gets all maudlin? that doesnt mean he is an alcoholic.

Simple solution to that is dont let him drink in the house, or limit it to sharing a few cans of beer between him and your husband. Dont let him near the spirits.

Smoking is simple.. he goes outside with your husband if he wants to smoke.. or on his own.

A three bedroom house must have room somewhere in it for one guest for a couple of nights.. he is your brother, not a distant relative.

If he was coming with someone else, then fair enough, suggest a nearby B & B, but for one person on their own, it sounds a bit off to not let them stay with you.

rookie yes the one I found is 10 min walk, and we have no problems driving to get him or pick him up/meet him and go from there on some days. I was just saying he found one liked previously, it was a lovely cheap B&B close to the sea and did a lovely breakfast, gave him extra beans...that kind of place. The closest one is a bog standard premier inn, but it is absolutely fine and cheap.

He is getting here by train, cheap tickets if in advance, hence discussing it now - someone asked this already.

nortine not sure how you think i don't sound bothered. If I was not bothered, i would have told him to piss off long ago! I am very bothered about seeing him but that is not the same as wanting him to stay in my house every night.

I think the expectation that he will have to pay for a B&B and be self-sufficient might be an interest-indicator. If he goes for the idea you will probably feel a little more secure that he wants to build bridges but if he continues to angle for an invite to your house you'd be reasonable to think that actually he wants an easy life and a mother-figure to cook for him and entertain him free of charge without responsibility.

If he really wants to be a brother to you he will do all that he can to achieve that.

I gave the same options to my own step-brother, many years ago. He was no longer interested in "Catching up and making up for lost time" when he realised that that wasn't going to happen in my house, near my children and therefore it wasn't happening at my expense and his convenience.

You seem happy for him to come down and spend some time with you and the DC; equally you don't want him to stay with you because of the lack of space and possible issues with smoking/alcohol. I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

However, I would make the gesture of offering him some money towards the B&B. Maybe ask him to come for a long weekend (Fri-Mon) and offer to pay half?

squeaky what is your definition of an alcoholic?!! He gets drunk every night by his own account he likes to go home and drink several cans of beer. Every weekend he drinks to excess, so drunk he cannot recall what he did the night before, often he drinks all weekend without stopping. He goes on 4 days benders at least once a week and continues to hold down work by moving around and getting new contracts with different employers (self employed). He has lost his licence twice for drink driving offences and been on probation orders for these too and has served a 10month prison sentence for affray. He gets picked up by the police a lot, goes awol a lot, is known to the local police for being drunk and disorderly on a regular basis. He has lost relationships because of violence while drunk.

He has told ME he needs to sort his drinking out, he says it has destroyed his life. Our dad died from alcohol related illness and he says he is afraid of this happening to him and said at christmas he was going to aa, after i called the police to check on him after a 4 day bender and text tp say he wanted to die.

Drugs - used to have addiction to amphet, coke, took E recreationally, states he did notuse heroin but has dabbled in this. was kicked out by mum for stealing from her and my sister on numerous occasions.

That enough?!!!

YABU my brother is staying with me this weekend and there is no way I'd make him stay in B+B. You say he's alcoholic but is he really if he holds down a full time manual labour job. If you let him stay with you, I think you'd be being far more welcoming.

You could be describing my brother there (although not an alcoholic he's a pothead.) I think he's a twat and wouldn't have him to stay at my house. Ever.

It is perfectly possible to hold down a job and have alcohol addiction. Alcoholics are not all in the pub from the moment it opens. An alcoholic is someone who drinks alcohol to the point it interferes with their life detrimentally. For some people that might only be binge drinking at the weekends, but every weekend. For other it might be the inability to function without it.

4 days benders at least once a month not week!

I am fully aware what an alcoholic is. Now that you have elaborated more about it, it makes much more sense as to why you are concerned about him staying though.

Bit of an AIBU by stealth really... the violence issues would be a major concern to me too.

squeaky a 3 bedroomed flat. it was 2 beds, one double, one single. We converted the loft to make space for our second baby so now we have two doubles and a very tiny single as some of this was used to house our loft stairs.

squeaky he has never been violent towards me or my family. Not AIBU by stealth at all. The full extent of his alcohol issues are neither here nor there really, which is why I did not post them. For example vallhala did not require all that additional information to come to the same conclusion you just have.

Other posters did not need all that info to make their decisions, either in agreement of me, or not in agreement.

Pavlov.. the space wouldnt be an issue to me. We have my stepdaughter and her husband to stay, and they sleep on an airbed in the lounge.

The level of drinking now that you have explained it more, would definately be a concern though. So I do understand why you wouldnt want him around the kids.

That's more than enough to keep him well away from your children IMHO. He sounds very similar to my own stepbrother, right down to the prison sentences and the stealing from his own mother (although my stepbrother has done even worse things and frankly I can honestly say that I wish him dead).

The dealbreakers for me would have come far, far earlier if I were you... when he committed acts of violence and when he drove under the influence.

Please consider the likelihood that he will say he wants to change and that he will change many, many times and yet he will never do so, causing you continued heartache and soul-searching. I think that you have to put yourself, your children and your husband first on this one. Just my opinion, FWIW, but based on personal experience.

Other posters did not need all that info to make their decisions

perhaps not, but if I am making a decision, or giving my point of view, I give it on the information that is known..

as I said, now that you have given more info, I have changed my view and am more inclined to think you are right.. :)