to not want my brother to stay with me over easter?

[PavlovtheCat]

My brother wants to come and visit us in Devon from London. I want him to come and visit us (us being me, DH, DD aged 4 who has met twice and DS 14 months who he has not yet met).

Our family:
We live in a 3 bed apartment (two double bedrooms and a shoe box).

Both children get up early, at the latest 6-6:30am, but often as early as 5am (the littliest one). I often go to bed early to manage this.

The children are, as expected, lively from the moment they wake to the moment they go to sleep.

We are on one income which is manageable but little expendable income.

We do not have a spare room for him to sleep in so he will need to sleep in the front room on a sofa bed.

My Brother:

He does not drive. He states he cannot afford to drive but suspect he might have lost his licence through drink driving again.

He smokes like a chimney, used to smoke pot but states he gave up over a year ago.

He is an alcoholic.

I have not seen him for about 3 years. I have not spoken to him for over a year, only conversations when he has been pissed before christmas. I told him to sort his shit out before getting back in touch. He now claims he has. I am dubious.

He is a night owl, and as he works hard and gets up early doing manual work (welder) and likes to sleep in on his days off.

He is not the best house guest, not a person to offer to clean up after dinner for example.

He has no children, the last time he was here we had one lively 2 year old. He found it hard work (but fun). Now we have a lively 4 and 14 month old. With the best intentions in the world he will find it hard!

So, that is him and us. I want to see him, and there are several hotels/B&Bs within walking distance, or we can drive him back. He can come and have breakfast with his/we can meet for breakfast etc and he can have meals with us, only need to sleep there, but can sleep til he wants, won't have to fight for the bathroom, and we won't have to tiptoe around til he decides to get up.

And, I just don't want someone who has been out of my life and so not in sync with how we are/or us him living in my personal space for 4 nights, so 5-6 days!

I am not being unreasonable to want him to stay in a B&B locally am i? he thinks I am.

vallhala i suspect worse too. But nothing that can be proven. Prison sentences only occur when caught/charged!

Pavlov your brother sounds very like mine and he is definitely an alcoholic with drugs issues too. He has recently seen his GP about getting treatment and has been to an assessment. I have been in more contact wit my brother than you with yours, and I would allow him to stay overnight at my house, but 4 nights would be FAR too long for all of us.

Squeaky, someone can be a drug addicted alcoholic and do a heavy manual job too. You don't have to be pissing yourself in the gutter every day to be an alcoholic.

All you can do with alcoholics etc is to decide what your boundaries are and then rigorously enforce them. You are happy for him to come if he stays at a B&B. If he won't to come under those conditions, that is his choice. If you let him stay 4 nights at your house when he knows you don't want him to, the likelihood is that he will do other things you don't want him to.

Pavlov with the circumstances you have described I think you are absolutely fine asking him to stay in a B&B or premier inn.

It really doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not, what matters is he drinks often and has a history of violence and extremely tedious late night conversation which are both incompatable with having young children in a not large enough space.

If he wasn't a relative I would imagine you would tell him to sling his hook but as he is your brother you are trying to find a way to make it work. Much better that he stays in separate accomodation and you don't have to worry about what he is like in the late evening or about the children waking him up in the mornings. That way the visit has a chance of being a success. If he stays with you it pretty much seems guaranteed to fail and make the relationship between the two of you worse and not better.

With the Premier Inns I know the prices go up the later you book, so why not check how much it is now. I do think you should offer to pay something towards it, particularly if the rooms are at their cheapest it isn't that expensive.

ok, discussed with DH. He said he would be happy for him to stay with us for ONE night, and for us to pay for B&B for one night. Then he has to pay for two nights himself.

I would prefer he pays for it all himself, but a bit of support is always nice. Maybe I will compromise and pay for one night. Will think about him staying that one night. Not keen.

rookie that is exactly it. I do want to try to make it work as he is my brother and I would most certainly tell him to sling his hook by now if not a relative!

Hi Pavlov, one more post then I promise I am off.

As a guest I would find it massively odd if someone said I could stay for one night only but then have to go to a B&B, plus I would have gone to all the bother of settling myself in one place and then have to move again.

It also throws most of your rationale for explaining why its best for DB to stay in alternative accomodation as if its bareable for one night why is it not for 4 which might lead to the types of discussions you had wanted to avoid having with him.

I think it has to be one place for all 4 nights or it just becomes a bit weird.

Good that your DH wants to find a constructive solution though.

Rookie I agree. I have emailed him with link to cheap hotel deal in a nice close hotel (£200 for 4 nights over easter in Devon city - cheap!) and offered to pay £50. I cannot afford more than this as we will likely be paying for most of the rest of stuff like food etc, go to places/petrol etc. And it is easter hols so we will want to be doing stuff with the kids during the rest of the holiday period so need some money for that.

I think YANBU but you have to know your brother, how he will take it and if he is going to be resentful etc

Well, funnily enough, since I emailed him again offering to pay for some of his hotel bill, I have had no response AT ALL from him. But, it is the weekend...

In fact, i have had no response from him since he sent me a message saying he really wanted to stay with us because he spends a lot of time in hotels with work and wants to spent time with us, to which I responded that it is crazy here and he would have to sleep on the sofa/kids get up 5am-6:30am and that he would only be up the road in a B&B, spend all day with us etc.

Nothing. I guess he has the hump now. I suspect, with this absence of contact I suspect Valhalla is right...

was the weekend! I am on leave so feels like sunday still!

so, continuing on from this.

He eventually emailed me after 10 days or so. He says he wants to visit and is going to get his tickets. He previously said to me 'i have booked my tickets'. And so now the cheap train tickets are not available, this was the whole point of him coming up.

And. I showed him some hotel/B&B places for around £200 for 4 nights. cheapest I could find, thought he would be wanting double bed, given how he really doesn't want to me staying there in the first place! I offered him £50 towards it, thinking 25%/one night towards it is fair, esp as we have little spare cash (and just spent £300 fixing the car, another £300 due plus tax ).

So. Where we are now is:

*He has ignored the hotels I have sent him. Not even registered that I have sent them. And has sent me an absolute shitpit of a B&B on the other side of town (20 mins in the car each way) asked what i thought. I said it was too far away. Asked about the one he stayed in previously. No response.

*He has now indicated from the hotel dates he is sending that he is staying 5 nights. Not 4. I have emailed him asking for clarification, not responding to my question. Just sent a different but equally bad/far away hotel link instead.

*the B&B he has linked to and wants to stay at now is £140 for 5 days. He is staying in a single room.

*I have asked him how AA is going (he made noises about going before christmas) and how he is managing not drinking. He has totally ignored any questions at all from me. And he will only communicate by email

So, now I am paying £50 for him to stay an additional night! That was not the point of me offering for him to pay! I now think he might be taking the piss a bit. He earns more than I do ! Not sure I want him to come at all now.

sorry needed to rant. feel free to ignore!

Well the good news is that you are going to see him on your terms i.e. he won't be staying in your house.

As the B&B is further away can you research bus routes for it, personally I think it is fair enough that he has chosen something cheaper as it is his budget after all.

Yes it is annoying that he has changed the deal that you offered but at the end of the day you don't have an automatic right to dictate where he stays. You could withdraw the offer of money, but in the circumstances that would be a bit churlish I think.

He is being a pain and I am glad he isn't my brother, if it were me I'd try to detach and focus on the positives which he is coming and he isn't staying in your home which was your main worry when you posted originally and ignore all the other stuff.

Ugh sounds like he is completely self-absorbed. He can't see that having him to stay would be a bit of a PITA for you, and try to fit in with your needs. He's just thinking about himself and getting childish when you try to make it work for all of you, requiring a bit of compromise from him.

I wouldn't have him to stay at all if only because of the heavy smoking, never mind the rest. It doesn't matter if they smoke outside, it still smells on them and I wouldn't want that smell in my house/around small children.

I think you just need to lay down the law with him and don't beat about the bush, and make it clear he has to fit in with you because of your busy family life and small flat. If he wants to stay, these are the conditions and if he doesn't like it, then leave it. Stay calm and don't let him make you waste your time on a big fuss about accommodation. You could also say "well you said 4 days so that is what we have free, I'm sure you can entertain yourself" or similar.

btw this is what I think you should do, but for years I have been a wuss with family members taking the piss. It's really hard.

rookie oh no I wouldn't withdraw the offer, that is mean, and he can of course stay where he wants. I just suspect he has picked a shithole so I tell him to stay with us after all. I have looked at the website now (it was a link to a booking agency that he sent me) and it is not a B&B! It is in fact a short term accommodation place for people who need somewhere to stay, used by the council to house homeless people, and there is no B&B facilities at all, although he can cook for himself so maybe useful to him! I don't mind it being far away, am happy to drive him home/collect him/meet him in town, but I suspect he has done this on purpose, to make him staying in a B&B as awkward as possible for him.

I have linked him to the youth hostel, if he wants cheap they have a fab property on the seafront for like £15 per night! (i would stay there if single!).

He has the £50 offer, and whatever he choses is up to him. Probably better though that he does not bother asking for my input as we obviously have different views as to what is acceptable.

he can stay for 4 days for the same price in a nicer place, and now he has left it too late for cheap train tickets it will cost the same whatever day he goes/stays. So he can have 5 days in a shithole or 4 days in a nice place close to us.

It is just all a bit Odd. This behaviour, making it all complicated, not being straight with me (he has not at one time said he is on a limited budget or can't afford it, just presuming so as he is looking for the cheapest place available in the whole area despite inconvenience for him as well as us, more for him really as it is not going to be a pleasant little B&B who makes him a nice cooked brekky. It makes me wonder why he is making this trip, and at Easter. Why not do it on another day? He is taking the thursday/tuesday off work to come here, so it is not like it is due to it being a bank holiday so time off, he can take those two days off at another time and the whole thing would be much more affordable for him - he could do a local nice hotel for £120 for 4 days, AND £32 train fare. He is self employed.

[secpetical] I am going to phone him again. We need to talk in person I think.

I agree phoning him is the best idea.

It's easy to overthink these things and it sounds to me like he has just tried to find the cheapest option possible without the local knowledge you possess. Is the youth hostel a shared room, I'm guessing at that price it would be? It might not be a great idea if he likes undisturbed sleep I remember many many years ago sharing hostel room in NZ with random people including a very lovely man who snored like a drain all night long.

oh surprise. His mobile does not work! I have emailed asking for his number. He has not replied to that, although replied generally to my last mail, finally stating he is being tight but wants to stay for 5 nights to spend 4 whole days with us. I told him it seems pointless to spend more money on one extra night in a shithole when he can use the money to spend in a nicer hotel and just leave late the last night, and that ultimately it is down to him just let me know.

Funny, just talking to DH. I don't even know if he is expecting this £50 from us, I expect he is, but he has not said thanks, acknowledged the offer, said either he does not need it, or it would be appreciated thank you very much. Not a mention, and I know he got that email as he responded to that one as I linked a hotel in it and he replied with his link.