To be offended at being left out of sisters wedding

[MummyAnnabella]

She is getting married in summer and having one sister as bridesmaid. Other sisters two girls are flower girls. I am only remaining sister (no brothers) and neither I nor 3 children have any role at all. Am a bit pissed off!

I think YAB completely U. You sound like sisterzilla! Weddings are hard enough to organise without family members making themselves pains in the arse.

While it's fine to be a bit hurt on the inside I think you need to back off, graciously do the hens and support your sister. This day is not about you, or your children, or who-gets-what. It's about your sister getting married. Be an adult stop thinking about yourself.

WTF is it about weddings that turns people into psychos!

god no, i don't think you are being precious at all, i think your sister sounds like a ghastly brat. but i think that you KNOW she is spoiled and a bit of an arsehole and so you shouldn't expect that she would be cured of this in the run-up to her wedding.

weddings amplify personality flaws... best thing you can do is shrug it off and make sure that ds and dd look a bit bridal on the day. honestly, everyone will assume they are part of the wedding party, regardless.

I am not making a pain of myself and am on here venting as I wouldn't dream of arguing with her about it.

I did all bridal shop appointments and hen and other things graciously.

Was just upset today when my mum mentioned the horseshoe again when my sister clearly wasn't behind the idea. Also when told the bridal party were going off somewhere else fir photos.

I have no intention of saying anything to her. Am not a psycho.

i don't get all this 'you must support your sister' business. it's her choice to get married, invite people and have a big party. that's great, but don't start assuming that everyone else will suddenly care to be at your beck and call.

(this is why i had a v small wedding that was organised in one weekend).

Witch I agree I don't know why I expected different. It's just as it gets closer I realise I am a bit upset at us all being left out. However I will go along as a guest and smile graciously. Can't make children look bridal as she would kill me for trying to take any attention! Wouldn't want to take any attention anyway. Will just have them smart.

smart looks bridal imo, kids not normally smart.

have a nice time at the wedding!

Sounds like she is involving you in arranging things and trying not to leave you out.

Do feel she feels your daughter is too young, and I agree for most she would be.

"my grandad is also not coming for the meal as she won't pay for his carer to have meal and grandad feels too bad about that so says he's not well enough to go"

She sounds awful! Your poor Granddad - hasn't anyone told her how horrible she's being by excluding him from attending by refusing to let him have his carer with him???

Sister's point of view:
"My sister has two young children and they keep her busy. She even had to breastfeed outside bridal shops when she came to help me choose a dress! Her children are a bit young to be part of the wedding procession as they are only 2 and 4 years old (her ds is 4 and to be honest I don't really want a pageboy) and I haven't asked her to be a bridesmaid because she is married, and will have 2 young children to look after during the ceremony.
So I'm having my unmarried sister as a bridesmaid and my two neices who are a bit older as flower girls. Seems a good idea to me, besides which I think it looks silly if you end up with an army of bridesmaids, flower girls and pageboys, the bride and groom don't need to be completely swamped.

I've tried to involve my sister by asking for her help in choosing a dress and organising the hen night, and my mum suggested that her little girl could present me with a horseshoe. She's taken a huge huff and isn't happy at all, it's really casting a shadow over the fun of arranging the wedding. What now?"

If it was just that Lucy, you'd have a point, but it isn't.

Bridezilla knows how her sister would feel in this position, because she's been there herself, she's done nothing to alleviate the feeling of that. Nothing. She has deemed it acceptable to take advantage of her sister's kind nature though, to get her to organise things on her behalf. How kind.

She's also been heinously cruel to both her future MIL and her own grandfather, the last of which is completely unforgivable in my eyes.

This is not a case of Annabella feeling left out and throwing her toys out of the pram, it's about the fact that she has a nasty sister who appears to have little compassion for how her selfish actions affect other people, despite having been put through the same herself.

I'd hope that in the light of day (unfortunately this would be after the wedding), Bridezilla would realise how horrible she has been, but the most self-absorbed people rarely do.

Annabella, I'm glad what I've said has been of some value to you. I have family members like your sister so you have my full sympathy. Hope you have a lovely weekend with your DCs. :)

There are bits of information being added as the thread goes on. I think that Op may be justified in being annoyed at some of the other things going on, but on what was posted originally maybe not. So YABU to be creating about your children and yourself not being in the front line at the wedding, but maybe YANBU about the other stuff.
Why don't the rest of the family just pay for the meal for Grandad's carer?

Well they could Lucy, yes (and in fact I probably would if it was me, to avoid upsetting an elderly man), but it doesn't really change how vile the bride is being, does it?

Sorry, but if you & your family have been invited, how are you being "left out"?

Do you really think that at 2 & 4 your children care?

Perhaps she thinks that 2 is too young/doesn´t want a pageboy & doesn´t want to ask one & not the other?

YANBU. She sounds horrific OP - big sympathies. Her attitude seems to be that she'll do exactly what she likes because it's her day and she can be as outrageously selfish as she pleases. Being a bride is not a get-out clause for observing decent behaviour - she's not the queen. She even blatantly acknowledges to your face that she is being unreasonable and hurtful but tough, it's her day and she has the right. She doesn't have the right and is behaving unbelievably badly. Does your mother spoil her? You say you wouldn't dare to dress your kids in fg/pb-ish outfits because "she would go mad" - sounds like she already dominates the family. YOu're in a hurt club with your grandad (poor man ) and imo it's up to your parents to reign her in but it doesn't look like they will. She's using you re the hen, not kindly including you. I hope you can get over this Annabelle - I doubt this is the first example of her outrageous selfishness.

So she doesnt want you or your children involved in the actual wedding day or any photos etc? But she has involved your other 2 sisters and their families and wants you to do the usual(shitty) jobs that bridesmaids have to do before the big day. Despite knowing you will be offended and upset and despite the fact that she was your bridesmaid. She also has excluded your grandad because she is a cheapskate. (I would have a whipround to pay for carer to attend to show her up btw!) She sounds a cheeky bitch charming! Cant believe some people think you abu!

I had a bit of sympathy for the sister here, until I read about the MIL and the grandad and I am now beginning to think the sister sounds a little control freak and quite selfish too.

In my view, if you cant afford a sit down meal for all the people who should be there (and MIL and grandad are certainly in that sector), then you change your plans accordingly. It is mean to exclude them on the grounds she has.. two extra meals would hardly break the bank.

The groom isnt much of a man if he allows his fiance to treat his mother this way too.

it sounds like she's being mean? do you usually get on well?
I agree with others have a whip round for the carer, and your mothers friend too even better set up a little table at the back where they can sit together and eat their own sandwiches
explain loudly to all the guests why this needs to happen

personally I'm more of the involve everyone don't cause hurt line

my cousin recently got married with graded invites for me and my sibs ie one of us invited to while thing one to a bit less one to even less and myself invited to evening reception about 5hrs drive away from my small child and bf new baby receiving the invite 5 days before the wedding (I was supposed to work out that they weren't invited).

I decided not to go

sooo relieved

my sib invited to whole thing was really funny about us not going and eventually asked me how I could not go to what was likely to be the last family wedding of our generation (loves melodrama )
she didn't really have a comeback when I explained
a) I'd not really been invited
b) as far as I was concerned a wedding that excluded my dcs was in no way a 'family' wedding

oh the joys of weddings

fwiw I would have thought most of the other guests will be a bit that your family is not more involved/represented

She sounds ghastly, but tbh very young children do not make ideal attendants at weddings. DS was a page boy last year (shortly before 3rd birthday) at neice's insistence. I warned her repeatedly and then gave in.

He was not co-operative and point blank refused to be in the wedding photos (the ones just of the wedding party which I wasn't in - he was in the rest). I did warn her and to be fair she didn't mind at all but I was mortified. I'd have enjoyed the whole thing much more if he hadn't been in the wedding party and I hadn't had to keep hissing instructions at him.

Just go out and buy a really nice dress to complement the bridesmaids so in the pictures, it looks like you are part of it.

The last two weddings I've been too, I dressed both DS's in BHS waistcoats,cravats,shirts and trousers, they looked lovely. They happen to be the right colour. Hence, they were in a lot of pictures on the day. Have since sold them on Ebay. Swallow your pride, she probably overlooked it and you will have your hands full too.

YANBU - I'd be upset that my DC weren't being included too and would have been a lot more petulant about it than you have (i.e. I don't think I'd have been so willing to help with the practical arrangements).

OTH - Your children are very young, so this may be why she feels she doesn't have to assign them roles. If I were you, I'd have fun dressing them up in FG/PB type outfits anyway as my bloody cousin did to me.