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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended at being left out of sisters wedding

97 replies

MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 21:20

She is getting married in summer and having one sister as bridesmaid. Other sisters two girls are flower girls. I am only remaining sister (no brothers) and neither I nor 3 children have any role at all. Am a bit pissed off!

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curlymama · 18/02/2011 22:09

Are there children on his side though? And who would be paying for the outfits, thankyou presents etc? Those things are quite important when deciding how U you are being Smile

veritythebrave · 18/02/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2011 22:14

I can see why you're hurt.
At least she could give you a reasonable explanation as she understands the issues and hurt when people are left out.

And I had a two-year-old flower girl.
She was perfect and made everyone smile.
:)

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 22:21

Aw nanny that's what I wanted for dd. She would be so sweet.

She wouldn't need 5 children just one of mine and either one or two of sisters. I would expect she would pay for outfit. I paid for her and other 2 sisters bm dresses and 2 fgs dresses. Tbh a page boy outfit is about £30 in debenhams so not that big a deal. I would have paid if asked.

Her fiancée has a young brother who is usher and no other children in family.

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Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 22:25

Madam death stare -love what your cousin did!! She keeps asking what colour I am wearing and what my kids are wearing and I am tempted to tell her dd will be in ivory! Her bm is in navy and I have only been able to find nice navy outfit for my son and am scared to tell her!! It's a tank top before any if you think I am putting him in page boy outfit!

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LessNarkyPuffin · 18/02/2011 22:27

Maybe she doesn't want a page boy. Most weddings don't have them. And a two year old flower girl? You sound a little bridezilla even though it's not your wedding.

compo · 18/02/2011 22:28

' I had a pageboy just to make my brother in laws family involved. He was crap but that's not the point!'

charming Hmm

what did you want him to do ? Recite poetry ?

GloriaSmut · 18/02/2011 22:29

You are coming across as very bitter and somewhat dog in a manger. I realise it must seem deliberately hurtful to be left out but actually, nobody (other than the bride and groom) has an absolute right to be included in a wedding and not everyone wants to go up the aisle like the Queen of Poxy Sheba while tiny little attendants throw tantrums scatter rosebuds at your feet.

But don't brood over this. Be upfront and honest with your sister and tell her how utterly pissed off you are. That way you get to have a decent row rather than all this martyred simmering.

However, as this thread has developed you seem more bothered by the fact that you compromised over things you didn't really want at your wedding while your sister (sensibly) isn't prepared to. Which is another thing to get out in the open.

taintedpaint · 18/02/2011 22:32

You sister sounds quite heartless tbh. To have that conversation with you and still go on to not ask you to be involved is just plain mean. It's worse than no explanation at all.

She can choose whoever she wants to be part of the wedding party, but YANBU to be offended by the way she's gone about it.

llareggub · 18/02/2011 22:32

My 4 year old DS is 4 and would rather pull his toenails off than be a pageboy. As for my 2 year old, well I'm sure that I think he is an angel but others might not believe it.

Perhaps your sister (like me) sees the role of a bridesmaid as being a helpful, supportive one rather than decor for the photographs? You can still get a pretty little dress for your DD, she can still have flowers in her hair and you can still get some lovely photos. Don't fall out over this, it really isn't worth it.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 22:32

P. S. Did I mention she texted me to ask/tell me to organise her hen night?! She said I would get her a better deal than bm sister. I have 3 preschool kids and bm has none and a lot more time on her hands. I asked bm to help me sort some things and she said she hadn't been told. These things were little surprises like t shirts and tiaras nit stuff you would ever be told to do. She's just not interested in the hen and doesn't even really want to go.

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Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 22:39

Compo you miss my meaning I didn't expect him to do anything just wanted everyone involved. Didn't care he wouldn't walk up aisle or be in photos on the day. Was just glad his family all felt involved.

I'm not bitter at al, about what I did and would do it all again. Especially now I can see hurt of those who could have been left out.

I know you think it's just ne who thinks dd is angel but even my sister had said she is angel child.

Gloria I don't think we have a right but when everyone else is involved I can help feel left out. Don't want to say to her as don't want in any way to ruin her day or the rup up to it.

Am just upset. I have done so much for her and there's no reason for her not to include my family in sone way.

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Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 22:40

Tainted - yes that's how I felt about the conversation as she told me how upset and offended she was in the same situation and she had never really got over it.

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mollymawk · 18/02/2011 22:41

Having read all this, I think your sister is being very thoughtless. Of course no one has any "right" to be involved in a wedding, but it's not surprising you're hurt, so YANBU.

squeakytoy · 18/02/2011 22:50

She has asked you to help her organise her hen night.. that is being part of the whole wedding isnt it?

taintedpaint · 18/02/2011 22:51

I feel very bad for you Annabella. :(

Your sister is either the most naive person I have ever heard of, or she's so supremely concerned with herself that she actively knows what she's done and doesn't care.

I can't understand how she can possibly find it acceptable to treat you like this. It's really not about choosing you to be a bridesmaid at this point, it's a simple issue of compassion, of which your sister appears to be lacking. She has explicitely acknowlegded that she knows exactly how this feels but has gone ahead and done it herself. Not acceptable.

She doesn't owe you a spot in her wedding, but since she should know how you feel right now, she should provide a decent explanation as to why she has done this.

taintedpaint · 18/02/2011 22:52

No squeakytoy, that's a kick in the teeth.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 22:55

No she didn't do it to include me just because I am assertive and she thought I would negotiate a good deal at hotel. She even said this was my role and she would make the decisions on the rest. I am fine with her deciding all the details of the hen as it must be what she wants but I am like her secretary getting texts not even calls telling me phone hotel re this and that. She changed times twice and date twice and I had to keep calling back and asking to change. This is after i told her it was totally non refundable and of course all booked on my credit card so if someone cancels I lose out.

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Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 23:02

Aw tainted thanks for understanding makes me feel better. I used feel so used when she needs help she gets me do do stuff as she says I am better than bm eg picking her dress, planning hen but yet my family not involved.

She's so not naive but is the youngest of 4 and is one of most spoilt/selfish people you will meet. She is also notoriously tight which I think is largely behind it.

Her fiancée patents are separated and one is happily remarried and bringing new wife and she refused to let his mum bring a friend for company as " why should I pay for a meal for someone I don't know?!" my grandad is also not coming for the meal as she won't pay for his carer to have meal and grandad feels too bad about that so says he's not well enough to go.

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AitchTwoOh · 18/02/2011 23:09

i personally would run a mile from being a bridesmaid, but it is utterly weird not to have your children involved if her other neices are. horseshoe isn't a consolation prize, though, that would be nice.

AitchTwoOh · 18/02/2011 23:10

you should offer to pay for dd and ds's dress, then.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 23:12

Yes an fine with not being bm but want someone in my family involved. She could even have asked me to read as a gesture if she really feels so strongly about my kids being young.

Horseshoe is my mum feeling bad about it not my sister trying to involve us. That would have been better. She said in front of me to mum that she ie my mum could get her horse shoe if she wanted!

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AitchTwoOh · 18/02/2011 23:13

she is a spoilt younger sister of four... ... are you the eldest?

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 23:14

Can't offer to pay for dresses as they haven't been asked.

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Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 18/02/2011 23:17

Aitch no am no 2 not eldest. Why? Honestly do you think I am being precious? I really don't think I am but am interested that others seem to think so.

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