AIBU to be tikced off that DH is super dad

[pearlym]

but does no housework? He is out door at 7 am and back at 7.50, just in time to wind them up for bed, he then insists on sittign with older DD till she is asleep - till about 9, then comes down, has tea and never picks up a fricking tea towel, he is supportive in many ways, but does not see the drudgery of it all, he at home one day per week while kids as school - he goes for a swim, do not begrudge him this time to self, but he does F all re the house - no washing, cleaning etc, on my day at home I clean - he gets arsey if I pull him up on it and tries to bring kids in against me - "mummy says yuo need to tidy up" etc. Why can't he see parenting and running family is more than just playing?

I feel 'on duty' until the dinner plates etc are cleared, after that, feet up on the poufe! He is being unreasonable to make you wait until 9pm for his dinner. It's so wearing. Make him eat before his trip upstairs so you can relax. I'd slip a few jobs his way too.

Understand!! I think we pretty much all have the same basic priorites - children first, then career, then everything else way down the list!

I would definitely prioritise having a nice hair cut over a cleaner!

I just think as a general rule, some women can be a bit of a martyr over housework. 70 years ago, people were having to hand wash clothes and dishes and shopping would have been a mammoth task of trailing around individual shops and standing in queues. Modern appliances and supermarkets/home delivery has put paid to all that. If you choose to allow houswork to take hours and hours, of course, it will expand to fill the time available. I know a (very few) SAHM of older children who swear their days are jam packed with cleaning,laundry, cooking etc. But that's a choice. It really does not need to be like that, if you believe other things in life are more interesting

(That was responding to misfitless)

Thanks Guys

He is great in many ways, just never really adjusted to the fact that when you have kids the work does not stop the minute you get in the door from paid work. I need to set it all out in detail and we need to agree on what is fair and reasonable - there may even be a bit of a martyr complex there!

It has been helpful to see what othre people think is fair or reasonable......I am a bit lazy too and that is why I probably resent the fact that after all the effort of housework, all he and the kids do is make a mess!!!!!!!!!But, thtsa 's domestic life and I know I am a lot luckier than some of the posters, e.g those who are ill or who have ill kids etc.

Been really useful, about to go next door and be nice to him. It's tru though, lkife can't be that bad or I would not have time to sit here doing this would I ?:o

Good to hear that pearlym

Wow. This thread has travelled back in time to the 1950s.

Here's a couple who both work outside the home for four days. How come posters reckon the OP has to do ALL housework while the dh puts his feet up for THREE days?

There are two adults in this household, they should be equally responsible for mucking in and getting the chores done. Fair enough the dh is outside the home for long hours on the four days he does paid work but he has three other days when he can do his fair share. OP is not his servant.

Good to hear she will count her lucky stars and stop naggin him, the poor man?

I put my feet up at the weekends and don't do any chores.

Housework is what you make of it.

This is a stupid position to be in OP, and it's your own fault. He's a grown man and you're not his Mum. There is an inverse relationship between his happiness an yours ie to achieve more happiness/relaxation for him, you sacrifice yours and that's not on in a relationship.

I would suggest you let things slide a bit. I have massively compromised on house tidiness in recent years because I have spent enough of my life doing housework For example, the ironing can go... And tell the lazy sod to pull his weight.

I can totally see where you are coming from OP. He just hasn't got into the habit of cleaning up as he goes along has he.

My DH does it a bit but not as much as me so it winds me up when he gives the kids breakfast but then doesn't put the dishes in the sink or wipe down the highchair etc. I will assume it's done because really you would do those things wouldn't you. But he just sort of forgets or something. I keep reminding him but it's not that big a deal as he always cleans the bathroom at weekends loads and unloads the dishwasher a lot and does the ironing most weeks.

He works full time but I work part time. He realises though that I will go mad if I spend all my time doing domestic stuff so that is why he does it. Lovely of him really. Plus he knows the kids keep me very busy!

I think gentle reminders that if you don't keep doing these things as they need doing the house will be disgusting.

How about next time he leaves paint everywhere and doesn't do anything around the house when he's at home then just make a crap dinner and say you didn't have time to make anything better as you had so much clearing up to do. Be subtle about it so it doesn't start an argument but eventually he might get the hint.

OR! TELL HIM TO GET OFF HIS FUCKING ARSE!

I didn't have massive sympathy for the OP until I found out that she almost works f/t as well.

Housework is invisible work, even in this thread posters are denying its very existance or at the least downplaying the time it takes. By my calculations doing a load of laundry including folding and putting away takes at least 15 mins, not a huge amount of time, but even in our relatively low standard household ( sheets changed every two weeks) I put on at least 4 loads of laundry a week. Preparing meals involves choosing ingrediants shopping for them, preparing the meal at a time that is convenient for everyone. Again with fairly low standards I reckon I spend at least 10 hours per week shopping and doing meals.

OP you are both working hard, I think the problem is that from the external view your DH could be viewed as super dad as he is not only working hard for his family but also spends time with his children, but the fact that you work, keep the house and nurture the children is largely taken for granted.

I'm not sure I have much of an answer to make it better. In our household I cut back on my hours and responsibilities at work so we moved more to a traditional set up, plus I get Friday to myself which makes up for a lot of things but thats not for everyone.

I like soolovelys idea of doing things to a lower standard see if that makes any difference, in fact I may try it.

He sounds like a child OP -you both work and the 'mummy says' stuff is appalling.
I would be having a firm chat ,draw up a list of chores that realistically need to be done and explain to him how unhappy you feel.

Stop doing all the chores on your day off - he doesnt see what you are doing and there fore doesnt register that these things need doing.

I would do something you enjoy on your day off and inform him that all the major chores will be done on a saturday morning.Put on a nice pot of coffee, get the DCs to watch a nice DVD and ask him what he would prefer to do.
Get on with chores together and then have a nice lunch when they are done.

Also 9pm is very late bedtime for little ones- are they very tired during the day? At those ages mine were sound asleep by 7.30 pm

I would put on a load of washing in the evening and do a quick tidy up etc.
Also weekday meals tend to be quick and easy and do more involved cooking at weekends.

Oh and online shopping is the best invention ever!

you facilitate his laziness for as long as you skivvy about like downtrodden wifey

pack it in - grow a spine

do your and dc necessary stuff and hell dont do his