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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be tikced off that DH is super dad

88 replies

pearlym · 18/02/2011 20:41

but does no housework? He is out door at 7 am and back at 7.50, just in time to wind them up for bed, he then insists on sittign with older DD till she is asleep - till about 9, then comes down, has tea and never picks up a fricking tea towel, he is supportive in many ways, but does not see the drudgery of it all, he at home one day per week while kids as school - he goes for a swim, do not begrudge him this time to self, but he does F all re the house - no washing, cleaning etc, on my day at home I clean - he gets arsey if I pull him up on it and tries to bring kids in against me - "mummy says yuo need to tidy up" etc. Why can't he see parenting and running family is more than just playing?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 18/02/2011 22:07

houswewifes stop fannying about on mn.get yer work done and stop mumping about how hard done to you are

redstripeyelephant · 18/02/2011 22:11

Perhaps it gets easier once they are at school. But the OP hasn't actually confirmed that she is a SAHM or that her kids are all at school.

But I really don't agree that part of being a SAHM is to be a doormat and do all the domestic chores. When DH and I both worked full time we both shared tasks like washing, cooking dinner, hoovering etc and each did our own ironing. Just because I am now at home why should he actually do less than he did before we had kids?

I admit I end up doing most of it, because I am here, because most of the mess is made by the kids, but when he is home anything left to do should be shared, whether it's bathing the kids, doing the dishes or hanging the washing out. Or have I timetravelled back to the 1950s and not realised??

Cat98 · 18/02/2011 22:13

It is different if the children are at school, of course. But being a mum to small children who are home 24/7, imo, can be harder than a job! There are also days where it is easier, and of course it would depend on the job, age/s of the children etc, but I think in some cases it can be compared! My days at work are easier than my days at home with dc, and I have a busy job. At least my boss at work doesn't insist on accompanying me to the toilet!

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/02/2011 22:13

you can't get the teatime clearing up done during the day though; I would be pretty pissed off if dh expected to sit around and be looked after every single evening and didn't do his share of tidying up after the meal.
it's not a big job but if you are both knackered it feels like a bigger one than it really is IYKWIM....

manicbmc · 18/02/2011 22:16

From the OP I get the impression that she also works and has one day a week at home without the kids (the same as her dh). She uses her day to catch up on domestic chores and he uses his to do bugger all.

Maybe they should split what needs doing on those days so that they both get half a day off? And split some of the evening tasks too.

BeenBeta · 18/02/2011 22:16

Cat98 · 18/02/2011 22:16

Absolutely, redstripeyelephant.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/02/2011 22:17

I can get pretty much all the housework done during the day now my younger ones are 4 and 1; it was much harder a year ago.
of course the amount of work to be done varies depending on how old they are as well. 3 under 5 seem to make quite a lot of work so I'm hoping it will improve when they're older and the baby stops throwing food on the floor....

manicbmc · 18/02/2011 22:18

But why should the OP have to spend her day off clearing up when her dh does nothing but please himself on his?

That would seriously piss me off.

unfitmother · 18/02/2011 22:22

YABU, if you're both working, get a cleaner.

GotArt · 18/02/2011 22:23

Maybe you also need to take on a more playful role as a parent like you DH and stop looking at it like being a parent is a chore. Although, I do agree with you about him not saying 'Mummy says to clean up.' That does undermined the said parent, making that parent look like the drudgery one that makes you do unpleasant things.

manicbmc · 18/02/2011 22:25

But it sounds like the dh is only taking responsibility for the fun stuff, leaving the OP to be bad cop.

GotArt · 18/02/2011 22:28

And to add a second note of SAHM hardest job in the world... its a lifestyle to have a family. My career is much more difficult. And people need to stop referring to the need of 'time off'. You need time to yourself as an individual and to nurture yourself, not time off from your family. That's pathetic.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2011 22:29

sahp isnt a job,nor is it hardest in world

redstripeyelephant · 18/02/2011 22:35

scottishmummy, noone actually said it was the hardest job in the world. I'm sure I'd rather be at home with the kids than down a mine.

I'm guessing you're at home alone with a bottle of wine (or vodka?) and decided to do some shit stirring on AIBU cos you're bored?

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 18/02/2011 22:35

how ridiculous to generalise, it all depends on you, your children and what your job is, all of which vary.
SAHP can be a doddle or it can be stressful and physically exhausting, it all depends.
likewise jobs can be shitty or extremely pleasant.
and some people thrive in particular kinds of stressful jobs whereas other people are run into the ground by them.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2011 22:39

you see its a discursive medium,one can go off a tangent.and no i dont need a direct quote to make a point.

my drink of choice is a delicious cuppa tea

Original poster

pearlym · 19/02/2011 08:07

orry, did not make clearr, I am out at work, 12 hours on a mon, when he at home and 8 hours 2 other days and 6 hours at home ( timed by employer so no skiving) on day 4. Day 5 is my day off, but I tend to help at school as kids like it and is part of being mum

He isnot a bad lad, just does not see the housework and thinks that all there is to parenting is the fun and not the housework etc
But, you are right that I maybe should cut him some slack and get organised wiht shopping deliveries nad a cleaner etc.

OP posts:

nymphadora · 19/02/2011 08:47

Are you both at home w/es then? Making 3 full days off each although you volunteer part of one of yours?

solooovely · 19/02/2011 08:47

I think a lot of people have been very unfair to you OP. It sounds like you both work similar amounts so he should be helping with the housework.

I don't begrudge him staying with your daughter until 9 as that will be the only time he sees her all day, but when he comes down it would be nice if he did any little job with you that were still undone, like the washing up etc.

I assume he is knackered after a day at work but then so are you!

He definately shouldn't be saying that to your children. He isn't taking any parental responsibility there and is acting like another child in the house.

FabbyChic - Every time I see one of your posts you're going on about how easy it is for women to get the house work done and we shouldn't moan about it/ask DHs to help etc. Seriously starting to wind me up! I'm guessing you're not exactly a feminist and have quite old fashioned ideas of womens jobs in the house?

Misfitless · 19/02/2011 09:00

pearlym please come back and tell us how old your DCs are and what their ages are - this is integral to the advice people can give you and the discussion. Also what days you work - then people can help rather than just criticise you!

I've only recently found it manageable tbh and I'm a SAHM. It's taken me a long time to work out a routine that works for me. FOr ages I haven't been able to see the wood for the trees.

Violethill · 19/02/2011 09:01

Ok, so you both work, but he is out of the house over 12 hours a day, whereas apart from the Monday, your work is significant fewer hours. Therefore, it makes sense for you to do a larger share of domestic chores.

The issue seems to be that he relaxes and goes swimming on his day off, while you dash around feeling you have to do housework and volunteer. Book a cleaner and cut housework down to a quick 15 minute tidy round each day ( you could do that before he's home from
Work). Laundry is literally pressing a couple
Of buttons. Ironing is not compulsory. And for goodness sake stop volunteering at your kids school unless you really want to spend your day off doing that. If its what you want to do, then actually its the equivalent of his swimming isn't it? - an activity of choice on your day off?
I don't think your dh is doing anything wrong- he's a hard worker and then spending time with his children- not down the pub! The problem seems to be that you are letting domestic chores take over your life.

Bogeyface · 19/02/2011 09:09

Its called "taking the piss"

Have you sat him down and pointed out exactly what you do? That his laundry doesnt wash itself? That meals on wheels dont deliver the food ready bought and cooked?

If you have never actually shown him what you do and the time you spend on housework and asked him to divide the chores more equally then perhaps YAB a wee bit U in that he probably hasnt realised. So now is the time to keep a diary of what you do each day and in a week, show it to him and ask him what he did when you were running around like a blue arsed fly.

If you have done that and attempted a compromise in a sensible way (not a "You never do anything...." way) then he needs his arse kicking.

Bogeyface · 19/02/2011 09:11

Laundry is literally pressing a couple
Of buttons

IS IT?! Shit I gotta me one of those machines! Mine just washes the clothes, it doesnt sort them from the basket, put them in, take them out, hang them out, fetch them back in, fold them and put them away!

Where do I buy the machine that does all that?!

Violethill · 19/02/2011 09:19

Putting them in, taking them out the machine...? Hmmm... 10 seconds of your life? Folding and putting away.... Hmmm .. A few minutes per day? And school age children can do their own?

Honestly, the way some women talk you'd think they were doing laundry by hand with a washboard and putting everything through a mangle!

Its 2011 ladies- housework is not a full time job!

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