AIBU to be tikced off that DH is super dad

[pearlym]

but does no housework? He is out door at 7 am and back at 7.50, just in time to wind them up for bed, he then insists on sittign with older DD till she is asleep - till about 9, then comes down, has tea and never picks up a fricking tea towel, he is supportive in many ways, but does not see the drudgery of it all, he at home one day per week while kids as school - he goes for a swim, do not begrudge him this time to self, but he does F all re the house - no washing, cleaning etc, on my day at home I clean - he gets arsey if I pull him up on it and tries to bring kids in against me - "mummy says yuo need to tidy up" etc. Why can't he see parenting and running family is more than just playing?

Bogeyface - its called a dryer. No hanging clothes or fetching them back in. Miniises ironing too if you take the clothes straight out of the dryer once dry.

I appreciate not everyone has space or can afford one but it saves a heck of a lot of time if you can.

Beenbeta - I rarely use my dryer anyway- too expensive to run- I stick washing on the line or hang indoors before going to work, then take off and everyone folds their own in a few minutes in the evening. Its not difficult!

It amazes me how often I've read different threads with 'get a cleaner' on. Am I the only person who for who getting a cleaner is an unaffordable extravagence? It also annoys me that people assume that just because you can afford a cleaner, that it's that simple for everyone else to get one.

'Its called "taking the piss'

Taking the piss is being at work for 13 hours a day and still getting moaned at if i was him, as it's not appreciated I'd stop flipping working 13 hours a day.
Lazy bastard.

I think people are assuming on the basis that they are both earning (and the dh working very long hours). If they are really strapped for cash, to the extent they cant afford a cleaner, maybe it would make sense for the op to work the extra day rather than volunteer at a school?
I do realise that not everyone can afford a cleaner, but if housework is such an issue for the couple ,it would make sense to prioritise it

I dont need telling how long housework takes thank you. I have 5 kids so I have it down to a fine art and never spend longer than needs be. If it took 10 seconds and pressing 2 buttons to do a load of laundry then I wouldnt be moaning, believe me. If you can sort a load from the basket and get it into the machine and running, or from the maching and on the line in 10 seconds then I think the CIA would be interested in your super powers!

As for the dryer, yes we have one, but we also have an electricity bill. They dont run on fresh air you know!

FFS, it really gets to me that anyone who moans about doing housework with no help from the other adult who lives in the house is a matyr or a moaner and should get a cleaner. A cleaner isnt an option for alot of people. Just because a couple work full time doesnt mean they have the money for a cleaner!

Saying that we are not tied to the mangle and we have all our appliances etc doesnt stop housework from being a drudge and a PITA. No matter how little time I get away with spending doing it, its too much. And running around doing a full day at work, sorting kids out once you get home plus the housework that needs doing and cooking a meal is tiring. And you are doing that whilst your OH's idea of helping is winding your kids up so they wont sleep unless he spends an hour calming them down again. Well that is taking the piss in anyones language.

Leave him.

Andwellwasi, He works 4 days a week, as does the OP. She is working fucking long hours too as all of the work within the home is left to her. Of course that is taking the piss!

I am the total opposite of violethill and FEEL like washing etc of clothes dominates my life.
I work 3 days and have 2 days off.
I think that dh thinks I have 7.5 hours to do housework.
But by the time I have got home again from school run, I actually only have 4 hrs before needing to leave with ds2 again to collect ds1. And by the time I've washed breakfast dishes, put a load of washing on, hung it out on the racks, god forbid actually read a book to ds2 or done a puzzle (called actually caring for child, I think), its time for lunch, washing up of that and then getting ready for school run again.
Where exactly is all the time thta I am supposed to have ?

Does he work 6 days a week or 4 days a week?

And I do thing washing is pushing a few buttons.

Some martyrs round here.

If anyone honestly thinks laundry is Dominating their life in 2011 then in all seriousness they need to take a good look at whats going wrong. Even when my kids were preschool and created a lot of washing, and we certainly couldn't afford to buy a dryer never mind run one,I wouldn't say it dominated my life! I think it's quite possible to allow chores to expand to fit the time available if you allow them to,'but its 'not
Necessary these days.

Kids are 4.5 and just 6.

This am, both got up at 7 ish, he gone bakc to bedfor 2 huors while i did ironing
yes, my DH says washing is pressing couple of buttons, strange that he does not factor in the getting it in machine, pressing buttons, taking out, drying, folding, putting away, etc
i will put pile if clothes for putting away on bed, then go down, to get kids, then when they in bath will put away
he on other hand will se clothes on bed, move to floor, lie down read paper while in bath!
i need to educate him into seeing that if we do not want ot descend into chaos, it is pretty constant interms of the picking up, tidying, putting away, and if you do that in the day, then you can relax at 9 pm and at weekends, if you do not keep on top of it, it is a nightmare,

example, he will do painting wiht kids, when they had enough, all 3 will then walk off leaving it on table, go watch tv together or something, if I say pls tidy he will just shove ot end of table and wiht hurt prode say " but that is where we were playing" Kids even say " daddy does not tidying up"

Sorry about rant, just feel pissed off -

Wow Violethill it must be terrible for all of those people who are so strapped for cash that they can't afford a cleaner!

I do agree that chores don't need to dominate your life, though - especially if you've got a cleaner!

This is not good though I can see how it happens. My DP is a little like this. Why not have a chat with him while kids are in bed and say that for the good of the family you need to set some groundrules that everyone sticks too. Eg that he tells the kids before they start the painting that all those who do the activtiy must help tidy away when everyone's finished?

If he sees a pile of clothes on the bed, can you get him to agree to put them away if he genuinely gets the chance?

What if you say it in a pleasant non naggy way & explain if he does a few little things to help you will feel a little less resentful and you'll get to sit down a little earlier in the evening, without this encroaching on his life too much?

I understand that it's probably the being taken for granted and lack of respect that annoys you most - am I right?

DIsagree misfitless. We couldn't afford a cleaner when our children were under 5, and we both worked, because we were spending so much on childcare.

When the children started school, and childcare bills reduced significantly, the first thing I did was book a fortnightly cleaner.

For the last two years, however, we haven't used one. We'd had a brilliant one for several years, then she moved away and we couldn't find another one who was anywhere near as good, so we decided to do without.

IMO having a cleaner is a luxury, not a necessity, and it certainly cut down the needed to be spent on chores, but it doesn't make life terrible if you don't have one. What a strange idea.

The reason people suggested it, is that for the OP, housework seems to have become a very negative issue which is affecting her relationship towards her DH - so its perhaps something to prioritise if they have the cash. That's all!

BTW, he works 4 days per week, so both at home at weekend
i think it is the lack of respect, cos ok , he not in till 7.50 pm, but he sat in train for hour or so while I hav raced home from work, tided up and bathed and teeth ans stories etc
I agree that chores are a necessary part of life, but do not see why one of the adults should be the one who does them all
He does not even pout his fing dishes in dishwasher, but now and again will do some washing up, making big issue of it, cos he does not think the dishwasher works v well --god I am really starting to let rip now!

The only situation where I would expect one adult to do all the domestic stuff, is when one adult is home and the kids are all school age.

pearlym - in your situation, you work fewer hours, so it makes sense to do more, but I agree, you shouldn't be doing everything.

Don't blame him for having to sit in a train for an hour each way to work though - hardly his fault, and its probably pretty tedious.

Sounds from your last post as though there are deeper issues here, and you don't believe he's 'super' at all tbh

Agree with beenbeta tbh

I can understand where you are coming from OP, as the drudgery of it all does get you down sometimes....I am here on MN whilst dh is mopping the floors BUT he is only doing it because;
a) I asked him
b) I am ill

His normal "jobs" re the house are; unloading the dishwasher in the morning and sorting the bins out once per week for collection (which he forgot to do last week!!!)

A thorough clean through takes me about 3 hours once a week. I tidy every day. I wash every day - put washes on at 7am before the school run and they are done when I get back. I iron twice a week (for about 2 hours each time) in front of the TV/film.

I do my main grocery shop online and just get bits and bobs from the local shops which saved me loads of time and because I HATE shopping.

My dh spends his "spare" time with the dc which I prefer. He is a good dad. I get to see them more than him and I need a break from them sometimes.

Honestly cannot see the problem with expecting an adult to tidy up after themselves.

If he sees a pile of clean, folded laundry sitting on the bed why the hell shouldn't he put it away?

Washing and drying a few dishes? Course he should do it.

It's not much to expect surely?

If everyone who is able to tidies up after themselves rather than leaving it all for someone else then surely that leads to a much happier (and tidier) house?

Actually I thought I should clarify my previous posts re struggling with chores. I am seriously struggling at mo. Diabetes bad, sn ds1, tyrant ds2. Dh new job working 18 hr days. Before he picked up and dropped off ds1 from afterschool\pre-school club, becasue he finished work at 5pm. But now I am doing everything. He is away 6 am to 9pm. Working 7 days a week.
I know women cope doing everyhting. But its come as a shock to me becasue I was blessed with having a dh who only worked 8-5pm , for the last 10+ years.
I am seriously struggling to adjust. Running off now to check on my batch cooking -have curry , mince and risotto, in huge amounts on the go at the moment. I have 3 loads of washing to go in, including bedclothes, but have nowhere left to dry them.

What a big load of bollocks on this thread.

OP stop being such a doormat. He does nothing to help wiht the running of his own home and family because you let him do nothing. Stand up for yourself and draw a line. Yo yell him "I am not your mother, I am not your slave, I will not be treasted like a housekeeper any longer" and you stop doing it all.

OK Violethill - point taken. I just find it extremely presumptuous how often MNers suggest getting a cleaner without knowing the financial situation of the OP. I thought it was obvious that my comment was tongue in cheek - I've never had a cleaner but for a very short spell was one! If I had any spare cash I'd probably get my roots done and treat myself to a cut and blow but each to their own.

Don't want to sound like a martyr I'm ok with not having enough cash for a hair cut till next month, I'm just putting it into context because I think you thought I seriously feel for all those poor sods who can't afford to have paid help to do the housework.

And just for the record, I'd rather-
survive on what we have
do my own housework (badly)
have below parr hair
and be around for my DCs as much as possible

than
get a job
resent doing housework
pay for a cleaner
have lovely hair
see my DCs less

Forgive me if I misunderstood

It's going to become a sahm/wohm debate.