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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give a 3 year old the following responsibility:

80 replies

lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 15:23

I'm wondering if I expect too much from my recently turned 3 year old daughter.

She seems to have regressed recently and wants me and DH to do it all for her.

She is also starting to lie when asked if said task has been completed she says 'yes' when in fact she has not.

So DD's responsibilites are:

*Take herself to the toilet when she needs to and pull her pants down and do her business

*Wipe if wee (I will clean if poo).

*Pull up pants, wash hands with soap & dry hands

*Feed herself the food that is infront of her

*lay cutlery on the table

*Place her dirty plastic dishs in the sink,

*Pick up/tidy up toys

*Fetch me somthing I have asked for

So AIBU?

OP posts:

Loopymumsy · 18/02/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 18/02/2011 18:37

Interesting. Not read whole thread, only about half, sorry.

DD1 is 3.5 and I don't think I would use the word responsibility for the things that she does independently - it is a bit strong.

There certainly are things that she can do independently but I don't expect consistency with her IYSWIM.

So eg last month she managed to get herself entirely dressed by herself for the first time. I thought great! and now every morning say DD please can you get dressed now. Your socks are in your drawer abd your knickers etc etc etc and leave her to it. This morning I said I will make breakfast while you do it. A bit later there was a shout down the stairs "mummy I think it was a bad idea me getting dressed while you make breakfast i can't get my socks on"

So while she can do stuff, and does do stuff, it is ultimately my responsibility to check that she is getting on alright, hasn't got stuck or forgotten something, that sort of thing.

So I think that your list of things is perfectly reasonable, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect consistency and totally independent action at this age, even when it is tasks that they have done independently and consistently in the past IYSWIM.

fuzzypicklehead · 18/02/2011 18:58

My DD (just turned 3) does those things pretty consistently. Occasionally she just doesn't feel like it and needs help/reminding. TBH I get my 16 month old to do most of them too. She's not toilet trained, but I do get her to fetch changing mat, nappies, wipes, etc. Both help to tidy up and take their cutlery to and from the table. They help with the hoovering (mainly by taking turns sucking up each others' hair and fingers) and polishing and cleaning the floor (squirting it with their spray bottles). In my case, it's probably easier because there are two of them and they just go with the flow.

But just like any of us, DD will have off days where she doesn't want to do it. And on those days I just have to reinforce the idea that these jobs have to be done, even when we don't always feel like it. I figure it's easier to build the good habits now so when they are older it becomes automatic. (she says hopefully)

mmsmum · 18/02/2011 19:06

'Feed herself the food that is infront of her'
I am fascinated that you had made this a responsibility :D

At 3 responsibilities should include not painting on the walls or furniture, not stripping off all her clothes when she feels like, not playing with mummy's expensive make-up, etc

You're the only one who will know whether her regression is a sign of stress or if she's pushing boundaries, but tbh, at 3, I'd go for stressed. I think what your doing with the toileting is fab but laying and clearing the table three times a day and fetching for you might be a bit much Besides, I don't really see the benefit of it when she is so young.

QueenCatherine · 18/02/2011 19:08

No, she's not too young, my 2 year old DD can (and does) do all those things.

I think she's testing boundaries...good luck and you may need a glass of if it all gets too much

redpanda13 · 18/02/2011 19:18

My DD could do all those things at 3. She loved being a big girl and the independence. That was her personality though and there were many, many times she did'nt want to do any of those things and had to be 'jollied' along. In her case she blew very hot and cold about laying the table. She also did'nt have a baby to compete with.
As for lying she was/is world class. My bro sent me a link to an article in The Times saying lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence and success in later life. If this is true then my DD will be President of the World

exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:19

Sounds perfectly sensible to me-she would be expected to be able do them outside the home by others.

Original poster

lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 19:22

ok all fed, bathed and bedded, so Im back :)

suchprospects I like your idea of building on the skills she can already do.
She does enjoy the indendance of it all and feels so proud of herself when she can achieve. Which is what I want to do help build her self-esteem through independance.

harecare compromising over spoon feeding may be the way forward with this one, I was so confused over this issue as I thought if I part spoon fed her it would confuse her.

onetoomany I probably didnt write that I always ask her what I want her to do and dont expect her to remember everything from the top of her head, like going to the potty I ask her to go potty, wipe bum, wash hands with soap and dry hands. DD too likes playing baby, over crawling and learning to walk, guess she realisess thats what we give the baby attention for so if she does it too then she gets attention.

SardineQueen Your youngest must have been so pleased with herself for getting dressed and you so proud! My DD was over the moon the first time she put on pants, trousers and socks!

fuzzy Thats it most of the time she loves helping out and often wants to dust and help change bedsheets (which invloves hiding in them!)

mmsmum Why are you fascinated by my DD eating whats in front of her?

If you read my posts correctly then you would understand what my meaning of responsibility is for my DC.

Please leave out your sarcasm

OP posts:

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 18/02/2011 19:53

I would probably add sock sorting to the list op...it's like a helpful variation of that memory game.

AllDirections · 18/02/2011 19:55

YANBU

It sounds like a fairly standard list of what a 3 year old should be doing.

My DD3 has just turned 4 and has been doing these things for a while. She now also puts her own seat belt on in the car and washes her own hair in the bath. I was just thinking today that I should teach her how to run her bath. If I dressed her she'd get herself undressed so that she could dress herself and I wouldn't dream of feeding a 3 year old.

I don't know why people have a problem with the word resonsibility.

Gleekfreak · 18/02/2011 21:13

Would be concerned about a child running their own bath-just because worked too long in a children's burns unit-lots of kids in with scalded feet/lower legs after thinking they were being grown up and helping mummy. Big lesson learnt, my DC always ask me first if it's OK to get in. Sorry if sound bit over protective, but always think better safe than sorry.

aPixie · 18/02/2011 21:17

Apart from the toilet bits obviously (although he will wash his hands after I've changed his nappy) my 22month old does all those things.

He'll also "help" make his bed and put his dirty washing in the wash bin.

So with that in mind YANBU.

I would agree with finding out why she has regressed though.

Caz10 · 18/02/2011 21:20

IMO all the different answers here just show that all kids are different - some 3yr olds might be capable/ready, some might not!

TheSecondComing · 18/02/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 21:44

exoticfruits thats a great approach, teaching dd skills so she can do it out if home like Pre-school.

I want dd to attend preschool lunch club but currently I don't think she would eat her lunch without a great deal if nagging so am trying to eat whats in front of her on her own.

Wanted to ask the poster who said her dc got own drinks, how do you logistically teach that?
Does your dv climb on a chair/step to reach sink?

OP posts:

Original poster

lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 21:44

Dv= dc

OP posts:

alicet · 18/02/2011 21:49

Only read OP. My 3 year old ds does all those things. It helps that he has an older brother to copy. But he LOVES helping and being a big boy so usually it isn't even that difficult. Of course sometimes he won't do it / pretends he can't like any small child and he can be very stubborn!

Bubbaluv · 18/02/2011 21:52

YANBU, my 3.3yo does all those things plus he has to take his PJs (from where ever they come off) and put them under his pillow ready for next use. He also will help pass things such as wipes or whatever if I need them and they are out of reach. He will also put rubbish in the bin, wipe his brother's nose and a few other bits and bobs - kids LOVE responsibility.
BUT, he's just learning to lie - I think that's just their age?
He's not 100% reliable on any of these things, but he's pretty good.
Have you seen the Free Range Kids blog? Awesome!

TheSecondComing · 18/02/2011 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbaluv · 18/02/2011 22:01

Doggiesayswoof my 3yo lies to manipulate with enthusiasm and impressive creativity!
It's his latest skill and he is really testing it out!

annielouisa · 18/02/2011 22:03

How much praise does she get if she completes the tasks you set her. I think if she is probably feeling put out by the arrival of the new baby and needs to feel she is still important to you. My GD3 regressed a bit when GD4 was born but my DD4 used a lot of praise for the big girl things she did.

Original poster

lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 22:08

thesecondcomming yes baby has become more alert and is starting to walk!
It's all making sense now, dd is great with he baby and her dad but a pain with me and she's pushing boundaries and acts up to get attention.

I feel awful I used to give her so much attention but it's so hard with dc2 as I also feel like I don't give the baby enough attention and then im exhausted by it all and I just want to be left alone.

This parent stuff ain't easy...

OP posts:

boosmummie · 18/02/2011 22:12

I don't think she's too young to do any of those things, but I certainly don't think she should be expected to do them always. DD3 who is two next week insists (seriously) on laying the table and emptying the dishwasher (she crap at loading it or she'd be allowed to do that too...) and for the past few months has happily put her shit toys away as I run her bath, clothes in the dirty basket, fetching things when asked etc etc.

With DDs1&2 and DS I also involved them in little chores from very early too, with only 11 months between the DD1 and DD2 it was rather handy that she could fetch things while DD2 was permanently feeding ...!!! They are now 17, 16 and 14 and having always had little jobs since a very young age just do them without asking. DSD on the other hand has had virtually everything done for her all her life and at 17 seriously cannot lay a table, load a dishwasher and still asks where things are in the kitchen!!!!!

That said - we all have off days, so I should imagine that the more issue that is made, the worse it'll be???

TheSecondComing · 18/02/2011 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 05:33

Thanks all for your input and letting me know what your 3 year olds get upto.

I am happy with my dd's capabilities and her responsibilities.

What I need to do is not expect her to do everything all the time and give her consideration and encouragement when she may not be in the mood but be consistent when she is pushing boundaries.

I will also start her a reward chart for things she struggles with like self feeding.

She is still a baby in lots of ways but it is also my duty as I see it to raise a strong independent person who will function in today's society, so to me teaching her basic life skills early on is doing right by her.

Just my opinion :)

OP posts:

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