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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give a 3 year old the following responsibility:

80 replies

lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 15:23

I'm wondering if I expect too much from my recently turned 3 year old daughter.

She seems to have regressed recently and wants me and DH to do it all for her.

She is also starting to lie when asked if said task has been completed she says 'yes' when in fact she has not.

So DD's responsibilites are:

*Take herself to the toilet when she needs to and pull her pants down and do her business

*Wipe if wee (I will clean if poo).

*Pull up pants, wash hands with soap & dry hands

*Feed herself the food that is infront of her

*lay cutlery on the table

*Place her dirty plastic dishs in the sink,

*Pick up/tidy up toys

*Fetch me somthing I have asked for

So AIBU?

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 18/02/2011 16:02

how old is the baby?

rosie1979 · 18/02/2011 16:03

He is 3.3 btw

doggiesayswoof · 18/02/2011 16:03

I think a bit unrealistic. I sometimes still have to remind DD to wash her hands and she's 6 (got a lot worse after she started school and realised nobody was checking up on her)

When she was tired, I def helped to feed her when she was 4, maybe even just 5

I don't think she was doing much of OP's list by herself when she had just turned 3 tbh

With a baby to look after you will not have loads of excess energy (understatement) but I always find mine are more likely to do chores if we turn it into a game or sing a daft song while doing it or something.

Ripeberry · 18/02/2011 16:06

Why is asking a 3yr old to get things for you making them your slave?
Start them young I say, otherwise YOU will be the slave for the rest of your life Angry

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 16:09

baby 8 months.

DD can also fetch herself a snack,
Take coat and shoes off
Take bottom half clothes off for bath
And we are learning how to put clothes on.

To me these are all basic independance skills I am trying to teach my DC.

DD is normally a happy confident social child, and in starting this thread I have realsied that I feel right to give her responsibilty but have been lacking prasing her as I have taken it for granted that she can do stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 16:10

Ripeberry Grin

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 18/02/2011 16:14

Can I just say the word 'lie' is a bit odd in this situation, I've found that til about 4, it's very hard for children to even know they are lying, often they tell you about things that can't possibly be true, but they insist are, she may just be telling you what you want to hear rather than have an abstract concept of 'truth'. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting some goals for a three year old, but all this talk of 'responsibilities' and 'lies' seems too developmentally advanced, three year olds don't have a logical planning mind and find it difficult to see the consequences! I think you need to reframe this a bit and accept at three, that testing boundaries and regressing is all quite normal especially with a new baby in the house.

Ripeberry · 18/02/2011 16:14

It's true! My MIL was still doing my boyfriend's washing and ironing, even though he had a washing machine in his house!
I soon took over that task when I moved in Grin
MIL also did the washing and ironing for my SIL up until a few years ago when SIL was 40yrs old! And she had a washing machine and iron at home.
This was a 75yr old lady, who is sadly not with us anymore.

Independance is a skill and compared to what other children around the world have to do. Making a bed or putting cutlery on the table is peanuts!

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 16:18

onetoomany I dint realise that she was just telling us what we wanted to hear - to make us happy.

Why are people offended by the word responsibility?

To me it means I trust her to complete a task independitly.

OP posts:
GlynistheGimmer · 18/02/2011 16:25

I'm not offended by the word as such, lovemy2babies, but it does read (to me at least) a bit harsh. I do not think a 3 yr old (just turned or almost 4 yrs old) should be 'responsible' for anything much, especially where that responsibility has to have a degree of judgement about it.

ie. washing hands.....which tap to use hot v cold plug v no plug

Edinburghlass · 18/02/2011 16:34

I think toilet training is quite different from chores. Agree it's good for children to understand that toys have to be tidied away, but we do it together at the end of the day before she goes to bed. She knows that if she helps me to do it, I'll have time for an extra story, but if I have to do it myself, then I may not have time for a story. I don't make it a punishment (no story if you don't.........), but more actions and consequences (If...., then.......) as I think it's good for children to see some logic behind what you're saying.

Think she's a bit young to do so much, but I agree with the idea of encouraging independence

VeryStressedMum · 18/02/2011 16:34

At that age they love helping so it can be good to get them to do that but not really if they have to do it because it's their chores, just turned 3 is a little young for that.
Thinks like feeding themselves is just natural at that age and should be encouraged to do it if they already can't, but back off a little and see if it helps.

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 16:36

DD knows what tap to use, I understand that she may not wash her hands as best as I would do them but then at what age would they learn? 8?

So untill she is 8 I am supposed to wash her hands for her?
What about when she is at pre school?

They dont wash her hands for her there.

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 18/02/2011 16:36

YANBU if she has demonstrated she is capable of the tasks. But, as you seem to have indicated you now realise, you now need to teach her consistency. The regression may be a sign she's not comfortable for some reason though. Easing of and building up again may be the easiest way forward if you can't identify a cause.

She will take great deal of pleasure in being able to do things independently. Helping her develop those skills is a great gift. So I think you are right to set your expectations as high as she seems capable of meeting.

On the lying front- that's a sign of emotional maturity (strange as it may seem). It takes a cognitive jump to realise what you say has power, and it seems like your daughter has started to realise that what she says may be as important as what has happened. All kids go through stages of lying as they learn about communication and social interaction. It's not a sign of her going bad. But you do need to show her that it's not appropriate in this situation.

harecare · 18/02/2011 16:37

Perfectly reasonable things to do and most kids LOVE to help by fetching things, setting the table etc. Hand washing is a bit more boring and she may not think they're dirty. Totally normal to lie about it, so just double check with her and make sure she knows why it's important. Wee wee hands, yuk!
My 3 year old also dawdles over dinner and it really gets my goat. I sometimes load the fork although she is perfectly capable, but won't just spoon feed her, her baby sister is 16 months and feeds herself far better just now. DD1 is just getting fussy that's all, she's holding out for pudding. Have you tried putting far less on her plate and just leaving her to it. If she eats it great, there may be more and maybe pudding too. If she doesn't eat it try to stay calm and tell her she can't be hungry, but that's not a problem, it's time for bed after tea anyway - no pudding and no mention of it either. Bed isn't exactly a punishment, but if she's not eaten she won't have energy so will need a lie down and it will be about bedtime anyway.

harecare · 18/02/2011 16:38

Easy to post, but nearly every day I get unreasonable riled by DD1 not eating dinner!!!

GlynistheGimmer · 18/02/2011 16:39

hey, what's with the picking on my answers OP?

it's only my perspective, not the law you know Hmm

melezka · 18/02/2011 16:40

My DS did all those things for himself when he was 3, and with a glad little heart, bless him.

Now he's 11 I can't get him to do a fecking thing. :(

doggiesayswoof · 18/02/2011 16:41

I don't think many just-turned-3 yos lie to manipulate.

I think it's far more likely that she has worked out the "correct" answer to "have you washed your hands?" and says what her parents want to hear.

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 18/02/2011 16:48

glynis Not meaning to pick on your posts just that you were the last poster to put somthing about responsibity and point out hand washing and some others had too.

No offense intended at all.

I am off to make/serve/eat dinner now will reply back to some of the great suggestions later

OP posts:
GettinTrimmer · 18/02/2011 17:22

lovemy2babies my ds wasn't toilet trained until 3.5 - for him your list would have been too much, but I remember we did make a game out of tidying up.

tbh if your post had read am I expecting too much from a 6 yo for all of your list I would say YANBU, but having said that, every child is different.

I would praise her everytime she does one of those things on your list and little rewards, etc.

psiloveyou · 18/02/2011 18:01

Apart from the toilet (my dd wasn't toilet trained until 3.4) my dd (3.9) has been expected to do all that since around that age.
We have 6 dc in the house though so we need to be super organised with everyone helping out. She is the youngest of the 6 so finds it easy to copy what the older dc do.

I don't think you are BU to encourage resposibility. She will be at pre school soon. I would try and work out why she has regressed though.

psiloveyou · 18/02/2011 18:05

Sorry posted to soon. Meant to add all LOs are differant. Maybe your dd isn't comfortable with what you expect of her. This may be why she has regressed. I would start again with just one or two things and give loads of praise when she gets it right.

Onetoomanycornettos · 18/02/2011 18:18

I expect that she's regressed as she has a new baby in the house! (If I read that right). Even my five year old says she wishes she was a baby sometimes.

I don't think you are unreasonable to expect a three-year old to wash their hands or take their plate out, you are unreasonable to expect them to do it every time without asking, and then to tell the truth if you question them. And regression is so normal at this stage, some children aren't even fully potty trained by this stage.

My eldest didn't take to the 'big girl' role at all when my second was born. She just wanted to ignore her sister, not fetch wipes and generally be the 'big girl' because it's clear that being little was the best way to get mummy's attention. I think it's ok to back off this if it's not working, mine suddenly took a massive interest in her sister once she was standing up aged about one, and they have been very close since then.

Tolalola · 18/02/2011 18:20

Interesting, I've always wondered about what the 'norm' is. DS turned 3 last month.

He feeds himself at the table, helps himself to fruit etc from the fridge and usually gets his own drinks.

Undresses and washes himself, puts clothes in the laundry basket. Can dress himself, but I usually do it cos it's faster (I know this is bad of me).

Goes to the loo on his own but I wipe for poo. I help with hand washing as we have a vessel sink and he finds it hard to reach. He soaps and dries. He's generally not good at putting his pants/trousers back on after he's been to the loo, though - he prefers being naked!

He climbs into his car seat and puts his arms through the straps, I clip him in.

He's generally pretty helpful and cheery around the house - helps with tidying etc, will fetch/pass things, puts his rubbish in the bin and his dishes in the dishwasher (not always in the right place).

I am aware that none of this will last, but I wish it would... Grin