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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my friend im not comfy with this?

55 replies

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 14:46

a friend of mine wants to take one of my children to the cinema tomorrow,then out for food and shopping, all arranged.she will have said child from 10 till about 4 or 5 possibly. she calls me this morning to say her new boyfriend is going with her.
she only 'met' this guy on 1st jan, has been on 6 dates with him, so in my mind, barely knows him.
i dont really want some guy i dont know spending a whole day with my dd, i have never net him, she barely knows him, i know dd wont be comfy with it.
am i being a bit weird to tell her im not happy with it?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/02/2011 14:50

Well, your daughter isn't happy about it, so that's enough reason, but

what exactly do you think is the risk to your daughter? Do you think your friend would allow your daughter to be put in danger? What are your fears? What do you think could actually happen?

I think that if you could think it through and work out clearly exactly what it is you think could happen, then you will know how to proceed.

If it's just that your daughter wanted 1:1 day out, then just say that.

Chil1234 · 18/02/2011 14:50

I don't know how old your child is but I think, if your friend has had 6 dates with the man, and they are spending the whole day in busy public places... he's highly unlikely to molest your daughter. If that's what you're worried about.

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 14:54

tbh, friend met him online, even she dosent know him very well. she barely knows him at all.
dd is only coming up 6.
i have never met him, and normally wouldnt let my kids spend loads of time with anyone i dont know.

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 18/02/2011 14:58

I don't get why someone would want to look after your child for the day with someone they have had 6 dates with. I would say no to this TBH - you don't know anything about the man and nor does she. Even if he is a perfectly nice man, and no reason why he shouldn't be, dates are no place for visiting children.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/02/2011 14:58

ok. but what do you think the danger is? Do you feel that your friend will somehow place your child in danger?

If you can specify your fears, you will be able to explain them better to your friend.

Honeybee79 · 18/02/2011 14:58

What are you afraid will happen?
I can understand why you're a bit hesitant but to be honest if it's a close mate then I would trust her judgment. Besides, is your DD going to be alone with this bloke at any point? If it's a group outing then it sounds OK to me.

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 15:00

the issue for me, is that i dont think my dd will be relaxed or happy to spend a day with a man she has never met before. he has never met her, so there is no common ground.
and friend and new man are in that loved up stage of a relationship, so if they are all kissy and cuddly with each other i feel that it might make dd feel uncomfertable.

OP posts:

solooovely · 18/02/2011 15:00

Just say you don't feel confortable with it, I wouldn't either. If she doesn't have children of her own though she might find this hard to understand.

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 15:02

its not a group outing, its those 3. so yes there will possibly be times when dd is alone with him.
friend has no children, so may take offence to me not being happy with this.
i know personally that 6 dates into a rel i wouldnt let a new man in my life meet my children, so i dont really think i want her new man meeting them either.

OP posts:

solooovely · 18/02/2011 15:05

I completely agree with you. He might not be a psycho or anything but still he might be the sort of bloke who says "cunt" and "fuck" in every sentence or comments on how the woman near them is "fat" or say something rascist etc. It's not just danger to be aware of but that he might just say the sort of things you don't what your small child to hear.

FabbyChic · 18/02/2011 15:05

Your friend has no children but she wants to take your child. YOu would be fucking mad to let her take your kid anywhere with a man she has only just met, that your child has never met.

Say NO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

lesley33 · 18/02/2011 15:09

I think its fine for you to say you are not comfortable with him being there for the day.

However it is a very different situation from you dating someone. Of course you wouldn't let your children meet somone you are dating until you are sure about him and until you are sure its going somewhere. But that is because you don't want to confuse them; don't want them worrying about him moving in if he seems untrustworthy, etc.

Your child won't have the same worries and feelings about a friend of yours dating someone.

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 15:09

thats true lesley.

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 18/02/2011 15:10

I would think it odd if a friend wanted to spend the day with my child, and then wanted to bring a new boyfriend. Not because I think he might be a paedo, but surely the point of the outing is for the friend and child to spend time together?

I also think a 5 year old might be shy in the company of a man she doesn't know.

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 15:11

thats my feeling on it MUA

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 18/02/2011 15:12

I really think it's odd she'd want to take a child out on a date . Not in a "he's a paedophile" way, but in a "wouldn't she want time alone with him?" way (no disrespect to your DD)

OneMoreChap · 18/02/2011 15:14

Your feelings, your daughter, not unreasonable.

My daughter? I'd have let one of my female friends - with whom she was comfortable - take her out with her boyfriend.

Being a bloke, I'd probably have said "Wow; nice guy. You sure he's up for that?"

She's my friend. I trust her judgement; why would she expose my daughter to harm?

Incidentally my daughter is now 18, skydives, climbs, does extreme sports, so I'm pleased I never worried much in the past. I can't imagine how I'd feel now if stuff had worried me when she was little.

MoonUnitAlpha · 18/02/2011 15:19

Maybe she wants to show the boyfriend how adorable your dd is to convince him to settle down and breed asap

Edinburghlass · 18/02/2011 15:21

You're assuming your daughter wouldn't want to go, but have you asked her? If they're going to a kids' film, she might enjoy it. So long as your friend is there to keep an eye on her, I don't see the problem

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/02/2011 15:26

It is slightly odd that a childfree woman wants to take someone else's kid along on a date with a fairly new partner.
If it were me I would want to know how the situation came about eg: Friend has arranged to take DD out for the day, friend's new BF says 'I have the day off, let's meet up,' friend explains about the DD and bloke says, oh well the more the merrier ... that scenario probably equals nice man who is keen on your friend and doesn't mind a kid tagging along.
But if (and this is not exactly likely) new bloke was the instigator of this eg why don't you introduce me to your friend's DD, well that would be pretty suspicious.

MissyKLo · 18/02/2011 15:26

if you are not comfortable with it that is enough

do what you need to do to feel comfortable and don't feel bad!

maybe just make an excuse though or talk to her depending on how honest you want to be!

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/02/2011 15:35

If you don't feel comfortable, then it's entirely your call. Like SGB said, I'd be interested to know how the suggestion came about. Maybe he's got a fun-loving, childlike side and is great around kids, in which case I'd be happy with this, and I'm sure my DD would have a lovely time, On the other hand, if your friend has suggested it and he's just tolerating it for the sake of seeing your friend, obviously I wouldn't want to put DD in that situation.

It does seem a little unusual, to bring someone else's child along on a date so early on in a relationship. But, then, I've been out the dating game for a long time, and I don't know the 'rules' any more.

I don't think I'd be concerned for my DD's safety in terms of him being an abuser - presumably your friend would be particularly protective of your DD under the circumstances.

Have you met him? If so, what was your gut feeling on him? If your not happy going along with it on this occasion, perhaps just say something's come up, but arrange to meet them both together with your DD another time?

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 15:36

Jock, i have not met him. which i think is part of the issue. if i had atleast had a chance to form an opinion on him then it might be different. but i wont have that option.

OP posts:

diddl · 18/02/2011 15:42

I think I´d tell her that your daughter doesn´t want to play gooseberry!

He´s probably lovely, but I´d be concerned that daughter might not be properly looked after as they will be too busy with each other iyswim.

Honeybee79 · 18/02/2011 15:49

OP, if you think your daughter won't be happy with the situation then say no.

I would say to your friend that you'd like to meet him then perhaps both you and your DD can meet him together before any future outings are suggested.

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