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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my friend im not comfy with this?

55 replies

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 14:46

a friend of mine wants to take one of my children to the cinema tomorrow,then out for food and shopping, all arranged.she will have said child from 10 till about 4 or 5 possibly. she calls me this morning to say her new boyfriend is going with her.
she only 'met' this guy on 1st jan, has been on 6 dates with him, so in my mind, barely knows him.
i dont really want some guy i dont know spending a whole day with my dd, i have never net him, she barely knows him, i know dd wont be comfy with it.
am i being a bit weird to tell her im not happy with it?

OP posts:

darleneconnor · 18/02/2011 15:50

I agree. I dont think it's a suitable day out for a 5yo.

OneMoreChap · 18/02/2011 15:59

... but be aware of how your friend may feel.

You're going out with someone unsuitable
You won't look after my daughter properly
My daughter is too precious to share with your other friends
I don't trust you anymore

Like I say, your daughter, your feelings, your rules; but be nice to your friend.

Original poster

OutOutLetItAllOut · 18/02/2011 16:03

OneMore,
im just going to tell her that i dont think its appropriate for my dd to go with friend on a date.
ive not met him so i cant make a decision if he is unsiuitable, i know she is seriously loved up, ( its all xx said, xx did, xx wants to, xx thinks, think xx would like) so i dont think she wil have all her attention on dd! i have had no issue with her takeing dd to see friends family and friends who either, she has known for a decent amount of time, i have met, or i know anyway. and i do trust her, but i dont know him.
she knows that dd comes first, so if she makes a big deal out of my decision then there really wont be alot i can or will say.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 18/02/2011 16:09

I think she wants to check how he is around children and if he would make a good daddy

YANBU a full day with someone she doesn't know might be too much. Couple of hours might be better idea.

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 18/02/2011 16:12

I agree with OneMoreChap.

Either you trust your friend to look after your daughter or you don't - that's the bottom line.

I think your attitude is very strange tbh - all this not letting your children spend much time with anyone new, fretting over how happy she will be if someone she doesn't know is there - it's all a little 'anxious'.

Darlene - a movie, a wander around the shops and something to eat - why exactly is that 'not a suitable day out for a child'??

Honestly, some of you must either have rubbish friends or a very low opinion of them.

Buda · 18/02/2011 16:22

Well i think it is a bit odd too. Either she wants to see how he is around children or wants to show him how great she is with children. Either way not entirely fair on your DD although she gets a day out.

Does your friend normally take your DD out on her own?

I think I would say no on the grounds that (1) you don't want DD to intrude on her date and (2) that DD doesn't know him and will be a bit shy.

Then I would invite them around at some stage or arrange to meet them so that you CAN meet him and judge a bit more for yourself.

Chrysanthemum5 · 18/02/2011 16:43

I assume your friend arranged to take dd out and then met new man and wants to see him, but doesn't want to disappoint dd so is trying to do both at once?

I'd say no because I think if they are in the new stages of a relationship they may not be giving your dd much attention (!) plus you say your dd will be shy around a stranger. Doesn't sound like much fun for your dd.

Mumsnut · 18/02/2011 16:57

Just ring up and say she's unwell.

pencilpotmonitor · 18/02/2011 17:07

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either. It's not that I'd think my friend would purposely put my daughter in any danger, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable about my child spending all day with ANYONE I didn't know personally. I'm not what I would consider an over protective parent but I wouldn't feel comfortable with this. Trust your instincts.

rookiemater · 18/02/2011 17:14

YANBU I would be honest and tell her the truth. Explain that it is nothing against him but you have never met him before and would rather wait until you had met him with your DD. If it seems awkward you could say that your DD isn't good with new people and expecting her to spend the day with someone she doesn't know is going to be hard for her.

You could also ( if you are free) say look wouldn't it be nice if you and XX could spend the day together why don't I take DD and her friend to the cinema

5DollarShake · 18/02/2011 17:18

God, I must be really neglectful - it wouldn't even occur to me to question a good friend's judgment. I wouldn't have a problem with this at all...

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my DC spending the while day with someone they didn't know - if it was only going to be the person they didn't know there!! If the main person looking after them was someone they knew very well and both of us trusted - no problem.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 18/02/2011 17:22

OMG, I can't believe I'm typing this, but I agree with FabbyChich

YANBU - I would never let my daughter spend the day with a man I hadn't even met, it would be plain irresponsible.

BrianAndHisBalls · 18/02/2011 17:23

yanbu, i wouldn't like this at all. You don't him from Adam.

upahill · 18/02/2011 17:28

Blimey there is no way if I was newly dating and had no kids would I want a mates DD with me all day as a favour never mind suggesting it!!

Very odd.

I would just say that something has cropped up and you two are busy.

BrianAndHisBalls · 18/02/2011 17:43

sorry, "you dont know him from Adam"

startail · 18/02/2011 17:53

After probably 5 dates and six weeks DH and I were engaged. (OK the "dates were weekends together, we meet at a conference and lived almost 100 miles apart, so date in the conventional sense was a bit impractical. We were also students and broke) But we've always recoded that the fact that we did the supermarket shopping, laundry, cooking and very ordinary things together from day one was a brilliant way to get to know each other.
As a single Mother your friend probably wants to see if BF really can survive a normal weekend.
Should you feel uncomfortable, only if you know your DF has a track record of choosing short-lived unsuitable men or being so soppy as to forget the children (Forgetting clearly being relative to the age of the children.
Unless your DD is very young or has met the BF and doesn't like him I wouldn't worry - she may even bring back some useful gossip.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/02/2011 18:07

I was about to say YABU till I read that your friend has no children. I assumed she was taking her dd and your dd out for the day and that he was tagging along. Two loved up adults taking another person's child for the day is slightly strange.

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 18/02/2011 18:10

So, for all of you freaking out at the thought of a child spending time with your friend and her new boyfriend - I assume that your children don't go on any playdates parties or do any after school activities where you leave them?

It really is madness...

5dollarshake - you strike me as perfectly normal

BrianAndHisBalls · 18/02/2011 18:19

yep you're right Chipping, because I hold a different view to you I'm mad

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/02/2011 18:27

No, not freaking out, but I understand what the op says about her daughter possibly being unhappy at spending the day with someone she doesn't know from Adam. I'd feel the same if the friend was bringing her female friend.

OneMoreChap · 18/02/2011 18:27

same as all of the BS about CRB checks for people who deal with kids, even regular sleepovers being necessary.

I got the "Well, would you let your daughter sleep at someone's house unless you'd had them checked out". Err Yes?

She was doing an arctic expedition with the BES lot at the time though, mind which unsettled him.

portaloo · 18/02/2011 18:34

It sounds a little strange, I admit.

OTOH, Is this the first time your DD has met anyone without you vetting them first?

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 18/02/2011 18:35

OneMoreChap

Brian - you seem to be struggling with the english language. I stated that this way of thinking was mad, I never said you were mad and unless this is the only thought you have ever had, then really, the two are not the same... but feel free to be overly dramatic :)

I would really feel I had failed if I had raised a 5 year old who was upset/unhappy simply because there was another adult present.

portaloo · 18/02/2011 18:37

Also, don't CRB checks only flag up incidents/crimes/offences after the perpetrator has been caught ?

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/02/2011 18:47

It's not so much the caase of worrying about your DC spending time in the presence of an adult you don't know, if DC are also under the eye of a trusted friend (when little) or with friends of their own.
It's just that the set-up here (one small girl and a newly-dating couple, one half of whom the small girl has never met) sounds a bit unusual and, as others have said, probably not that much fun for the DD.

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