To tell a friend her dc are over weight

[ThisIsMyNickname]

I don't know wether to just mind my own or gently point out that her children are over weight because I really don't think she sees it. Her eldest is 11 and is in adult size 16 clothes. My friend is always moaning that's kids clothes are sized wrong, she just doesn't see that they are over weight. I am God mother to her children so we are really close and I genuinely care about her dc and their health.

That is seriously fat
have family like that near us
girls entering puberty at size 16/18, horrific for them, bullying etc, health issues, say something

LyigWitch, how else do you think people end up with eating disorders? I had a school friend who was anorexic and drank far too much, I rang her parents a few years ago as we lost touch once I moved away and got married, her father spoke about her in such a waste of space way, she was a solicitor now married with a child, I then remembered they always treated her like a scapegoat and like she was never good enough, it is not surprising really that she ended up with an ED. OP's family of origin would have had their own issues, which are very difficult to fix, a diet scientifically they make you fatter and long term don't work or someone riping your head off, insulting you, being passive agressive superior does not fix these types of issues.

To be that overweight at that age is really serious, if the daughter doesn't start losing weight soon she will have loose hanging skin when she finally loses weight, which is also very distressing.

No she will not thank you for telling her but a better approach is perhaps if you overhear her referring to her daugter as "fatty bum bum" point out how incredibly cruel and demeaning it is and suggest to her that if her own Mother is calling her that what does she think the kids at school are calling her?

There are a couple of young women where I work who are morbidly obese and I want to cry for them as they do not go out socialising after work with all the other youngsters, they are wasting their youth by being miserable and overweight. I am so angry at their Mothers in letting their precious daughters get that way!

MummieHunnie,

I don't think anyone is talking about having a go, attacking her, ripping her head off, insulting her. Look, really really don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you're projecting your own issues onto the OP.

I have had an ED and have longterm issues with food. I grew up in a house where I was shouted at whilst I ate and where my pocket money was taken off me if I didn't lose weight and where I was made to run around the block after my dad at a certain pace to lose weight.

So I know about insults, etc related to weight.

What I think I & others are saying is that, the family is clearly unhappy already. The DD is getting bullied (as I was). Her mum is calling her a nasty name. Do you think that is making the DD happy? The parent's feelings are less important than the child's longterm psychological health which is currently being damaged. The DD is being bullied, insulted, treated in a superior manner, right now, by her own mum, amongst others.

So yes, I think talking gently and in a caring manner to the mum is not inappropriate. Seriously what do you think the DD will be like in 10 years' time if she goes on as she is?

Poor bloody kid

She must know it's not OK. Surely.

That is very overweight I was a fat child and at that age I was 11st and a size 14.

Actually I'm still 11st and size 14, but its a bit more appropriate on a 5ft 6 adult

I ate because I was unhappy and also I hated team exercise. I enjoyed swimming but neither of my parents are particularly sporty so I didn't do much exercise, now I enjoy non competitive sports and am training for a half marathon.

Sorry to ramble on but I just wanted to make the point that being an obese child does not mean that you will automatically become an overweight adult, It does however mean you are more likely to.

As a god mother the most helpful thing you can do is to encourage her to take exercise, maybe take her skating or treat her to lessons on a dry ski slope or just take her out to the park, also maybe encourage her to take pride in her appearance, a mini shopping trip may push her towards wanting to slim down a bit.

It's a tricky one and anything which increases the daughters self esteem must be a step in the right direction.

I'm sure she has mirrors,

I don't think you telling her will do any good, she needs to buck up herself

The op can't do anything about it, all she can do is be a nice kind friend to the family, take the kids for some exercise etc, short term fix's, she is not going to be part of the long term solution, it has to come from the family.

God I hate it when parents allow their kids to get fat.

I had to stop watching shows like Ricki Lake when they started featuring toddlers who could hardly walk because of their size.

They'd show the kid eating 12 bits of fried chicken for lunch, while its (inevitably enormous) mother looked on proudly.

Then they'd be on the stage, the toddler waddling about, with the mother looking on proudly, going "He ain't fat! He just mah big beautiful booooy, if he axe me fo' food ah gon' GIVE him food", while doing that head-waggling thing.

Disgraceful.

Really you should just tell her. I understand if you don't want to jeopardise your friendship though; possibly send her an anonymous letter?

My mum used to call me that, it started off a whole self consciousness/anorexia/bulimia cycle in my teens that I could really have done without. I really feel for the poor girl.

OMG don't send her a letter! If you want to do it be sensitive at the right place in a chat, or just carry on being her friend, but not an anonymous letter.

She knows they are fat though, I think you should prob just be her friend.

This is all so sad. My twin girls are in yr 7 now, for the first time they're getting bothered by their appearance, it would be awful if they had something to be bothered about that is so easily fixed as being overweight.
If my girl's godmothers said something critical to me about how I'm bringing them up, my first reaction would be to be furious. Followed by getting back to them to talk more calmly. Because I chose my two dearest friends to be god-mothers, and I know they wouldn't say anything hurtful without having a long, agonising decision making process just like the one that's being talked about in this thread.
If you do decide to speak out, be prepared for a massive NOYB hissy fit, don't reply to the insults hurled at your head at the time, leave the bridge unburnt, and hope your friend goes through the same thought process as above.

it's really difficult decision personally i wouldn't say anything . i'm sure she knows but is in denial . all you can do is be apositive role model when the children are with you .

i have a similar problem with my 3 year old dn who weighs 41/2 stone .shecan't run has chaff marks between her legs and gets verty hot and sweaty at the slightest exertion.
she eats nothing but chicken nuggets and sweets (2 or 3 times aday) after every accident ,constantly bribed with sweets etc
her mum has been told by hv ,drs she is overwight but thinks their talkling rubbish "she's always been big" no she was 6 lbs 13 at birth . her mum if she refuses meals after her sweet snacks her mum holds to her mouth saying your not eating enough .
feel very sad and angry for dn but don't wish to jeopardise relationship with my db or sil. but if she won't listen to professionals she won't listen to me .
it is the elephant in the room both sts ofgrandparents know it's not right but say nothing
all i feel i can do is when my dcs are offered sweets is to say no not betwen meals and offer healthy foods when they visit

Okay need to some actual work now but I think the point is not about the OP's friend, at all.

Of course she knows they are overweight: that's why she's calling her daughter fatty .

The point is, the children are being damaged by this and if the OP can help her friend to stop the damaging behaviour she will save the children a lot of extra heartache.

Mummie sorry but I honestly disagree with you about it having to come from inside the family. My dad treated me as I have described, leaving longterm issues; 10 years later he did the same with my sister, who is now as I said above overweight to the point that she is on medication. You can't wait for the grown-ups to get over their own issues, because in the meantime the short, formative years of adolescence are flying by and permanent damage is being done. Which the DD will have to live with for the rest of her life (just like you and me, from the sounds of it!!).

Revolting, short of ringing social services -they are not going to take a child away and cause even more issues and realistically what can they do a short term fix by putting them on a diet, there is bugger all that anyone can do for the op's godchild, sometimes in life you have to accept that there are times when you do nothing, be a good, kind friend and take the kids out to exercise when they are with you.

If they are fat family (think the OP said they were) with unhealthy eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle then I doubt you can do anything for them. It's a bit like being an addict - they can only change it from inside when they are ready - and with professional help. You don't see that many fat families being able to turn this around and so it often goes on with the next generation.