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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a friend her dc are over weight

91 replies

ThisIsMyNickname · 17/02/2011 17:11

I don't know wether to just mind my own or gently point out that her children are over weight because I really don't think she sees it. Her eldest is 11 and is in adult size 16 clothes. My friend is always moaning that's kids clothes are sized wrong, she just doesn't see that they are over weight. I am God mother to her children so we are really close and I genuinely care about her dc and their health.

OP posts:
Casserole · 17/02/2011 17:44

I don't think I could mention it, personally, I'd be too worried about offending her. But I might do something like, when the weather brightens up a bit, saying that I wanted to get me and my kids fitter so we're going for a walk/swim/whatever after school and do they want to join in?

But that's cos I'm a big wuss.

Niecie · 17/02/2011 17:48

What year is the 11 yr old in? My 10 yr old is in Yr 6 and I thought all yr 6s were weighed and measured for government statistics. If that is the case then she will know that your DD is overweight - she will get sent a letter unless she deliberately asked not to be sent one.

If she isn't in Yr 6 I wouldn't say anything directly. She knows her DD is overweight from her comments. I don't think she will thank you for mentioning it out loud and you stand more chance of being supportive and being subtle about giving advice if you stay friends.

By the way, how tall is the 11 yr old? DS1 has a large girl in his class who is also very tall (5ft 2 or 3") and may well be a size 16. If she were shorter it would obviously be a lot worse.

FutureNannyOgg · 17/02/2011 17:52

"Her mums nick name for get is 'fatty bum bum'"

Seriously? Well there is a life of crash dieting and comfort eating waiting to happen. Poor kid Sad

LaWeasel · 17/02/2011 18:04

5ft3 adult would be too large at size 16! Even if the child is very definately overweight.

LaWeasel · 17/02/2011 18:06

Sorry skipped words, should be, even if tall definately overweight

TattyDevine · 17/02/2011 18:17

Please dont say anything!!!

Who do you think you are? Seriously?

She knows she is large, as she buys her clothes, which are an adult size 16. She knows

Can't you just be her friend ? Being a friend does not necessarily include pointing out the bleeding obvious.

A true friend makes you feel like you haven't even noticed the bleeding obvious.

Teenybitsad · 17/02/2011 18:21

I don't think you should beat about the bush..I had to tell a close friend that she had allowed her DC to get really fat...and that it had to change.

My friend was hiding from the truth of the situation which was that SHE had a problem which she had give to her kids.

They were having two meals in the evening...a cooked one and then a takeaway at 9.00....plus ridiculous amounts of coke.

She felt guilty that their Dad had left and tried to "spoil" them with food.

The eldest had a mini fridge which was cconstantly stuffed with crap nd they were all getting teased at school and playing out.

I had to bollock her a bit...it was awful actually but she has no parents and nobody else to care.
She got help from the GP in the end and they're better than they were but not "fixed" yet.

Yukana · 17/02/2011 18:25

I think them being 'overweight' can be for many reasons.

For me, I was about a size 16-18 at that age. Why? My mother was very stressful with her full-time teaching job and all I wanted was love and attention. I was bullied at school and used food as a means of comfort and something to do.

It could be her not feeding her children varied foods, but don't forget that children aren't stupid and like I did when I was a child due to NES - can steal food they want out of the cupboards when they want it even if they don't ask.

There is lots of reasons why a child could be overweight.

Original poster
ThisIsMyNickname · 17/02/2011 18:28

She is in year 7 at high school. I know they did have the weight checks in year six but she didn't mention it to me and I didn't want to ask.

Yes, her mum seriously calls her 'fatty bum bum'. I knew when I wrote it down that it sounds so cruel its unbelievable but sadly its true.

I think her DD is probably just under 5ft, going off the height of my own child.

Teeny, the DC do drink loads of pop, they eat crisps a lot too.

Tatty, to me a true friend is somebody who is truthful and honest. Not somebody who tells you what you want to hear, and somebody who stands by you even when you get things wrong.

OP posts:
schmee · 17/02/2011 19:02

Even if you are very close I don't think it is your business to tell her. If she raises the subject again though - however lightheartedly - you could say "is it something you're concerned about" and take it from there.

You sound lovely for caring so much, but really, it sounds like they know there is a problem and if you stay friends you can be there when they are ready to start trying to solve it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/02/2011 19:36

Those of you saying nooooo don't say anything, it's not your place...

Can I tell you that as that 11 yr old girl - which I was once. And about that size. I wish to GOD that someone had challenged my parents and hopefully helped them to see what they were doing to me.

Because being a fat child is bloody horrible. And you are more likely to become a fat adult. Which is bloody horrible. And you have your whole LIFE of poor eating habits to try to tackle and you don't know where to start.

Oh, and then there's your self esteem.

You don't have any.

No. Try being the obese 11 yr old and then say that people shouldn't try to help.

TimeWasting · 17/02/2011 19:37

I'm not sure what a godmother is for if not for this sort of circumstance.

Foreverondiet · 17/02/2011 19:37

How does her DD feel about being so fat? Maybe she needs help to loose some weight.

The mum knows they are fat and if you don't mind risking her being very offended I agree with saying something like hecate said. Or wait until she comments on clothes again an say, no the clothes are correctly sized, size 16 is overweight even for an adult (unless maybe they are 6 foot tall).

FWIW my sister was a very overweight at the start of high school. She was short though so not a size 16. She decided to loose the weight, and only ate fat free yoghurt, all bran and an apple 3 x a day until she lost the weight. She also took up karate and swimming.

My dad was a GP and let her do it. And when she got to a sensible weight she went back to eating normally and didn't put it on. Probably not the most sensible or healthy diet but she wanted to do it her way.

Foreverondiet · 17/02/2011 19:39

And yes, what is the point of being a godparent if not to say something under these circumstances.

Perhaps offer to take your goddaughter out for the day, and take with healthy lunch and see if you can get her to talk about it, and see if you can help her.

LaWeasel · 17/02/2011 19:42

Yes, precisely - she is godmother - she was ASKED to look out for the kids at birth. Letting them get hugely fat and be bullied in case you offnd the mother is the complete opposite. It's bloody cruel tbh, since your putting the parents emotions above the health of a little girl.

I don't know the right way to word it, but you should say something.

omaoma · 17/02/2011 19:51

o god I don't know what you do. agree that this could mean the end of a beautiful friendship but feel your pain re wanting to care/protect for your godchildren.

My Sister's SIL (if that makes sense) has always been huge and her daughter ditto. Sure she was at least as large as your goddaughter, aged 8 she looked about 23, no joke. The family are lovely, no-one else that overweight, guess they're just happy to be alive and together but i've always found it incredibly hard when i see them becuase i am a judgeypants who also luckily doesn't put on that much weight when i scarf cakes :( also when the mother was pregnant again she was complaining loudly that she was sent to a specialist as part of the extra care for obese mothers initiative!! it was all a waste of time and sh'e not that big apparently. that had my jaw on the floor

i think it is part denial and part the sheer difficulty of controlling your weight if overeating is part of your normal day and coping/bonding/enjoyment mechanisms.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 19:51

She knows, her kids will know, there is nothing you can do about it, unless she is special needs she knows that to eat less and move more is the answer.

What you can help her with is finding some help for what is the cause of her finding comfort in food, which has become a way of life, and being a loving kind friend to her.

Over eating is an eating disorder just the same as anorxia/bulemia etc.

Finding comfort in food is the same as finding comfort in cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, being ott with cleaning and various others, there is a reason behind the addiction that needs dealing with, that the addiction is masking as a coping mechanism.

Hassled · 17/02/2011 19:55

You have to say something. Sometimes people just need the bleeding obvious pointing out to them.

Just make damn sure you a) coat it with a lot of positives - she's a great mother, the DD is a lovely girl, etc and b) be proactive - you'll help with menu planning, information etc.

Good luck :)

Bogeyface · 17/02/2011 19:56

My sisters neices (her DH's sisters kids) are both massively overweight. When she ordered the BM dresses for them she needed to order 3 age sizes bigger (they were 5 and 7 at the time) and have them taken up by almost a foot each, and my mum and me were still pinning them into the dresses on the day as the buttons wouldnt do up. They had gone up another size in the 6 weeks since the dresses were bought.

In the end my BIL spoke to his sister about it, in a kind way (he is a very caring man and wouldnt just barrel in saying "yer kids are too fat!") and she went mental and hasnt spoken to them since.

I suspect she knows that there is a problem but doesnt want to face it. They eat crap, and eat constantly and she doesnt want to put the effort in to deal with it. She is very very big herself.

Sad as it is, I would stay out of it if you dont want to lose your friendship.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 19:57

Right, I am in the same position as OP's friend, my kids are not as big granted, they are overweight and I feel dreadfull about it. There is a combination of reasons for it, and I am dealing with it, Rome was not built in a day.

If someone had a go at me about it, I would rip their head off and point out all their family dysfunctions to them, ours may be obvious, not everyone's are!

OP, keep your nose out unless she is sn! take the kids out to exercise if it makes you feel better and be a good, kind friend.

omaoma · 17/02/2011 20:04

yes even if they changed their eating habits tomorrow it will be years realistically before they are at a healthy weight, and then it it a life-long programme to stay that way...

like the idea of helping kids find passions that aren't about food. and i guess always be the 'good' example of healthy attitude to food and exercise - without making a big deal about it

crystalglasses · 17/02/2011 20:06

It's very difficult to bring something up something like this. However if the mother starts the conversation i think the op should say something even if it's qualified by saying that if her friend finds it upsetting she won't mention it again. I had a friend whose dd had badly sticking out teeth and she was resisting recommendations by the dentist that she was fitted with a brace, because it wa spart of her character. I said that I disagreed and that while she looked cute now, she wouldn't thank her mother when she was an adult. Nothing more was said but next time i saw her dd she was wearing a brace.

begonyabampot · 17/02/2011 20:07

TBH, if the whole family is overweight then I doubt you will be able to help them. Really sad actually.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 20:08

Parents mess their kids up every day in a variety of ways, not all are physically and visuallly obvious, anorexic
bulimic
smoking
drinking
drugtaking
extreme sports
ocd
working mum
stay at home mum
married
unmarried
divorced
stepfamily
the list goes on and on and on
people damage their kids in different ways, many unintentionally!

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 20:13

It is all about what is visual and on the outside with looks then Crystal Glass? Maybe that braces kid and her Mum were fine with it, and you projecting your stuff about what constitutes looking good, has now got a child having braces!

One of my kids was recomended to have braces, by the DENTIST! not by someone having a go to make themselves feel superior who probably drinks half a bottle of wine a night, with issues realted to looks!

JES!!!!