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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a friend her dc are over weight

91 replies

ThisIsMyNickname · 17/02/2011 17:11

I don't know wether to just mind my own or gently point out that her children are over weight because I really don't think she sees it. Her eldest is 11 and is in adult size 16 clothes. My friend is always moaning that's kids clothes are sized wrong, she just doesn't see that they are over weight. I am God mother to her children so we are really close and I genuinely care about her dc and their health.

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 17/02/2011 20:29

Mummiehunnie, did you not read my post? The dentist was recommending the brace and I was agreeing with him. What's more my friend didn't have to take any notice of what I said. Where you've got the half bottle of wine from god only knows.

mumzy · 17/02/2011 20:37

Are her dc in primary school? If so they will be weighed in reception and year six. If they are deemed overweight or obese then she'll get a letter asking her to speak to school nurse or other health professional. I think it might be worth finding out if any of her dc have been weighed at school first and the result before mentioning anything.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 20:41

Crystal galss, sorry. I missed the bit about the dentist in your post.

mumzy · 17/02/2011 20:42

Sorry just realized eldest now yr 7 then she would definetely have been weighed in yr6if she's at state school. In that case your friend must be aware and you saying more to her is not going to be well received

crystalglasses · 17/02/2011 20:44

Ok MummieHunnie Smile

Violethill · 17/02/2011 20:50

Hmm I wouldn't - it wont end well

Acanthus · 17/02/2011 20:57

I think you should say something. I don't think we should sit back and watch people make such bad choices for their children. Do you think you understand why your friend is fat herself? You need to consider that before you decide what to say. I mean, obviously she is fat because she eats too much and exercises too little, but do you have any idea why and how she does it?

porcamiseria · 17/02/2011 21:26

its a tough one...agree that you might be better off to enocurage sporting activities and walks etc

clearly there is a deep seated issue here, espm if she cooks fatty food etc

sigh

bumpsoon · 17/02/2011 21:56

I would mention it if i were you , because you are a friend and a godparent . How you go about it is going to be difficult ,but if this poor child is being teased at school about her weight then she needs someone on her side to help sort it out. I would definately go with the being teased angle ,it all well and good knowing your child is fat, but knowing your child is being bullied because of it should be a wake up call for even the most hardened chip pan exponent Grin. If your friend falls out with you because you care about her DD ,then she shouldnt have picked you as a godparent .

exoticfruits · 17/02/2011 22:16

There is no point in mentioning it, she either knows it or she is in denial. She is hardly going to say 'thank you for telling me, I didn't realise, I will change our eating habits and get plenty of exercise'!

Let her take the lead and be ready to support, otherwise keep well out of it-people get very touchy and she won't be a friend for much longer!

starkadder · 17/02/2011 22:18

I think the 3 bottles of hot chocolate a day for the 3 year old is the most shocking part of this. Maybe that's just because my DS is nearly 3 so I can identify more. 3 yr olds are completely dependent on their parents for food and I have to say that I think it is TOTALLY their parents' fault if they are overweight. Also, of course, they are then much more likely to go on to be overweight school-aged children, teenagers and adults. I genuinely think it is a terrible burden to inflict on your child.

But criticising it is like criticising any other part of her parenting. If she was shouting at her kids every day, or making them feel bad in other ways, would you say something? And if you did, would it help?

Something should be done to help fix the problem, but just telling her it's a crap idea to fatten up your kids so much might not have the desired effect.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 17/02/2011 22:23

if you are good friends then suggest she looks at this
www.mendprogramme.org/mendservices/mendprogramme

she will know her child is overweight

bumpsoon · 17/02/2011 22:26

Just out of interest exoticfruits ,how many years should the op sit back and wait for her friend to do something ? until her daughter is totally miserable ? develops an eating disorder ? becomes morbidly obese ? Will it be ok for the op to do nothing as it might upset her friend ? Real friends tell the truth , i know mine have had to on occasion and i love them more for it .

ladysybil · 17/02/2011 22:26

op, please tell your friend that she is completely correct in her assertion that kids clothes are sized incorrectly.
totally completely and utterly.

trouble is, she's got it the wrong way around. the shops are making clothes to big for age. not too small

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 22:28

I did mend with my children, I think a lot of it has to do with who is running it, the fist lady was great and followed the programme, the second lady had an agenda, she was quite angry at parnets for not being perfect, no one did any of the things op's friend did, the kids were all overweight for various reasons. All parents knew well what you need to do to keep the weight off. All that it achieved with my family long term was for about six months (due to second women always letting her anger out and having an attack at the parents with her favorite line "you buy the food" "it is your fault") which is not what the programme is about! I got that slung at me every time from the child that has the worst problem with her weight. If you go by that logic, I should not buy milk, bread, crackers, cheese and the like, thinkgs like left over icing sugar, a small pot of custard, as she steels it (attention seeking behaviour) and it is my fault for buying it, I think with her it gave her more reason to not take responsibility for her eating. My children's problems begain after their father left and my mobility problems became more prevelant, not everyone eats and drinks as op's friend does.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 22:34

Having a go at op's friend attacking her for the eating disorders in her family will not work!

Believe me my Mother spent my whole life abusing my father for his eating disorder through my childhood! He was an overeater! As a child I was anorexic, and a very picky eater, very underweight, my Mother was anorexic. I hated food and eating, I started to turn to food in my teens when my Father left, I was a size ten and taller than average, that was far too fat for my Mother who would pick on me continually that I should be a size 8, the more she had a go at me the more I ate and the fatter I got! I was a size 14 by the time I left home!

Alambil · 17/02/2011 23:40

do MEND do classes in your area? We have them come in at work; they're excellent. Non-judgemental and educational for both the children and the parents (the kids go off and do games whilst the parents learn about nutrition)

It's well worth looking in to and asking the school to perhaps look into it too; our children's centre hosts it for the local high school

A1980 · 17/02/2011 23:42

They probably know TBH. Her GP is bound to have said something.

I wouldn't say anything.

Hatesponge · 17/02/2011 23:55

Unless you want to fall out with her, I really wouldn't say anything.

As the mother of an overweight child, if any of my friends made some of the comments suggested on here I would be fucking furious, and tell them where to go.

There are certainly ways the OP can support her friend, but pointing out the bleeding obvious/making her feel like a shit parent is not one of them.

bumpsoon · 18/02/2011 08:36

But the OP doesnt have to be horrid about it does she ? she could simply voice her concern that her freinds DD is being bullied due to her weight and ask her friend what she is thinking about doing about it ? If no-one mentions it then surely it enables the OP's friend to pretend it isnt a problem.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2011 08:43

I don't think that gently pointing out that your friend's children are overweight is very helpful. It sounds as if your friend and her family need completely re-educating about healthy weight/nutrition, and she won't be able to do that on her own.

fluffles · 18/02/2011 08:50

are you godparent to all the children or just one?

i wonder if you can do this differently - i don't think you should keep quiet but i think you could say to your friend that you're godparent to a child approaching her teens and you want to be there for her for all the teenage things and help her with growing up healthy and with good self esteem.
if you genuinley approach this in a 'what can i do to help my godchild' then that's the best way - it might be that you can spend some time with her and get to know her and eating or weight might come up in conversation, or it might not.. but either way you'll be being there for your godchild.

i do think that this is a godchild thing.. and that a good godparent should be there for a child to speak to about stuff.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2011 10:51

Hecate's post is really to the point but gentle. You friend must know, of course she does, but it's surprisingly easy to ignore what you don't want to see sometimes.

Teasing at school is relentless, for any reason, and I think weight issues are worse for a girl by far... a little bit of effort now in helping this girl to eat healthily and move more will really be of benefit. No Mum wants their child to suffer.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2011 10:55

Sorry... so many other good posts appeared after Hec's. Blush

MummieHunnie... your story is truly saddening and maddening. :(

Acanthus · 18/02/2011 14:04

Have a look at this thread to see the reaction of a mum getting the year 6 letter referred to on here, saying that her daughter is overweight. Interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1153496-to-be-absolutely-furious-to-receive-a-letter-from-the-LA-informing-me-my-daughter-is-overweight

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