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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect friends to try harder?

54 replies

BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 14:16

Not sure how to post this - I'm a newish mum and a new SAHM and I've found that some of my old friends, those without kids particularly, just don't get that my new SAHM status is a real and valid choice and that I'm not just bumming around. I used to be a professional but discovered work and motherhood wouldn't be compatible for me. I choose to be a SAHM rather than have other people raise my DS. I completely understand that many don't have this choice to make, or would prefer to go back to work FT but that's not what I want.

Some of my friends now clearly view me as some kind of drop-out and aren't that concerned about losing touch. I think it's because they think you have to stay on the work treadmill or you're some kind of loafer. Perhaps it's because they don't understand how much of a pull you feel toward your kids when you do have them. Do I have to be superwoman in order to please my friends? I can't do it all.

In any case, I accept that they are perfectly free to move on with their lives without me, though I am disappointed in what I think is shortsighted and judgemental.

Not all my friends are like this. Though I think having a baby has changed many friendships. Those who are career focussed...want kids but can't have them etc. Am I the only one who has experienced this?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/02/2011 14:41

They clearly aren't your friends.

They were people that you spent time with while your lives were similar and you had things in common.

Friends are something different altogether.

Kerrianne · 17/02/2011 14:42

I'm not sure how you can call them 'friends' they sound little more than aquaintances to me. Just let them move on and forget them.

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 14:43

Hiya Black Swan - welcome to the world of the SAHM! I feel exactly the same but it's mainly my sister ( and the world in general)who makes me feel like this. I've got to do the school run so can't write a full reply now. I'll check back later and we can compare notes!

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 17/02/2011 14:48

Do you feel that since you've become a SAHM your friends are making less of an effort to see you than they did when you worked?
Or do you feel that they need to try and understand that being a SAHM is a valid life choice and that they are now distancing themselves from you?

Sad fact of life is that parents and non parents lead very different lives. SAHMs feel that their 'carefree' friends are too busy with their work and social lives to visit, and child-free working women often feel that their SAHM friends are only happy to see them if it's at their house on their terms.

Ciske · 17/02/2011 14:53

Do your friends genuinely believe you are a loafer, in the sense that they told you so? Or are you losing touch and assuming that is the reason?

It is difficult to understand how life changes if you don't have children, and perhaps your friends are just struggling to adjust to your new situation. Before I became a parent, I didn't want to hassle my friends-with-kids for appointments, thinking it was best to leave the initiative with them. Only later did I realise that was wrong.

My point being, don't write off your friends straight away if you don't know why they are keeping their distance. You will need to re-evaluate your friendship and find new ways to meet up that work around your new SAHM situation. But that requires effort from both sides, including your own, so don't expect it to happen naturally.

Balsam · 17/02/2011 14:56

I don't think you can expect anyone who hasn't had kids to understand what it's like to have them. Same with any two people who have had different life experiences. So therefore, they can't understand your choices but they can certainly respect them. If they don't, then find other friends who do.

purplepidjin · 17/02/2011 14:57

They don't sound like friends to me, they sound a bit selfish!

I don't have kids, and don't plan to for a while, but have friends who do. So, we go for lunch not dinner. We go out for coffee instead of all-night drinking sessions (not my scene anyway lol) and when we have coffee in half term, we go somewhere they have soft-play equipment.

I'm currently looking for a car seat so I can go out with a mate who has a 3yo ds and doesn't drive.

She's a mate, it's not a huge sacrifice, just a bit of adjustment compared to the huge life changes that come with having kids!

Bramshott · 17/02/2011 14:57

Are your working friends also parents? Maybe they are just very busy?

purplepidjin · 17/02/2011 14:58

Balsam, did I just disprove your thory?

Ormirian · 17/02/2011 15:13

Not wishing to be chippy but please avoid phrases such as: "I choose to be a SAHM rather than have other people raise my DS" if you don't want people to take issue with you.

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 15:18

just been relieved of school run duty so I'm back again.

Like you I made a choice to be a SAHM. I worked in Banking in The City for 18 years before becoming a mum ( it took me 10 years to get my DS!)All I seem to read in the media and often here on mumsnet is that I'm some sort of lazy moo who lives off of her DH's money!!!!
My sister ( who has no kids) thinks nothing of asking me to run errands for her while she is at work ( even once asking me at very short notice to sit in at her house all day to wait in for a delivery!)If ever I tell her that it's not convenient she gets really stroppy and asks me what on earth I do all day! The one time I asked her for a favour I get the "don't you realise I work for a living?" response.

I experienced the other side of this when all of my good and close friends started to have children and I wasn't able to. I threw myself into my career to take my mind of my fertility problems and my friends all drifted of into their new world of coffee mornings and mother and toddler groups.I felt isolated then and feel isolated now as they all have kids at senior school and I'm dealing with toddlers! I think you just have to accept that you are at a different stage in life to your friends and things will never be the same. The good friends will make the effort and the rest will just become people you once knew.

A old work colleague and one time close friend of mine who has decided to carry on working constantly makes me feel guilty about the fact that I don't have to work. I no longer feel that I can talk to her about any issues I'm facing because she just rants about how easy I have it!

Unfortunately friendships do change when babies come along but new friendships come as a result and some of those friendships will be life long ones.

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 15:24

purplepidjin - you sound like a great friend to have!

EleanorJosie · 17/02/2011 15:24

I think you find out who your real friends are when you have a life change. You might find you naturally grow apart from some people. I don't see any of my old friends as much as I used to since becoming a parent, and I've lost touch with one or two people. Most of them live quite far away so there is that as well. But equally there are plenty I have stayed friends with through changing circumstances and we when do get a chance to meet up it's like we've never been apart. Not all of my old friends are parents. Also I've made new friends and acquaintances locally. And online! It's just a natural process, try not to feel bad about it.

weedle · 17/02/2011 15:24

Unless they have expressly told you that they think you're a loafer and that they expect you to be superwoman than you're projecting your issues onto them.

Your 2nd paragraph is enough to make me think I wouldn't want to be your friend either. You havn't said at any point that you've tried to arrange get togethers or see them.

Acquintances of mine spouting off about others 'not understanding the pull you feel for your baby' is the main reason they don't get invited places...

I may have got this completely wrong but upon first reading there's little evidence that you've made any effort either

Baggypussy · 17/02/2011 15:29

Orm- I am a little perplexed as to why anyone would take issue with OP for her turn of phrase?

crystalglasses · 17/02/2011 15:33

Some sahms, conversations revolve around their children, which can be boring for people without children.

Baggypussy · 17/02/2011 15:36

..yeah, and some people go on and on about their jobs, which can also be rather tiresome.

redstripeyelephant · 17/02/2011 15:39

I think in a good solid friendship there is always a bit of ebb and flow... sometimes you see a lot of each other, sometimes you don't see very much. For example, I have a good friend who for a while after I had kids I hardly saw/heard from at all, maybe the odd lunch every few months. She was busy with her career/planning her wedding/going out at weekends etc, I was busy making babies and eating biscuits . Now she is pregnant and all of a sudden I am seeing a lot more of her. I don't mind, I'm thrilled that now we have more in common again, and I can bore her with my birth stories/useful knowledge about how to get sudocrem out of the carpet etc.

I guess the difference is, even when our lives were in different places, I knew that if I really needed her she'd be there in a heartbeat. That to me is a good friend, not how often you see them.

This is the time for you to make some new SAHM friends. There are lots of us out there!

theoffsiderule · 17/02/2011 15:41

I've been the friend without kids who was thinking "what do they DO all day?" about my friends who had babies a few years ago. I also noticed a sort of closing of ranks of those with kids vs those without and it's only now that I have had my own DC that I am being admitted into the fold of the friends with children.

But none of this was done deliberately, I certainly don't think anyone decided outright to distance themselves from the other subgroup within the large set of friends.

It's about having things in common, knowing you can ask them about how to get the snot out of the baby's nose, or how to get them to drop a feed at night - as well as seeing one another with our kids in the daytime instead of out in the evening.

As I am one of the last in my group to have a baby, I had no idea how much life changes - the small snapshots of a couple of hours at the houses of friends with kids in no way give you an accurate picture of the logistics of going out in the evening if you're breastfeeding, or if your partner is getting home late, or if your kid is sick...

I wouldn't worry about them, either once they have kids of their own they will re-friend themselves with you, or otherwise if they can't appreciate the choices you have made, whether you are a SAHM or not, you're better off not stressing about them and getting yourself down the soft play to make some friends you might have more in common with...

Ormirian · 17/02/2011 15:41

Really baggy? I am a bit perplexed that you can't see why it would niggle a little

Teenybitsad · 17/02/2011 15:41

I agre with Orm...I am a SAHM but I would never shove a phrase like that into what is otherwise a perfectly reasonable OP.

Why does BlackSwan feel the need to give that dig to Mothers who work? I thnk most if not ALL Working Mums woud argue that nobody but THEY are raising their kids....

radiohelen · 17/02/2011 15:41

Jeez I'm desperate for adult conversation that doesn't involve kids! My one sensible 'mum' friend has just moved away and I'm left with clingons and acquaintances who are all a bit distant still cos we never really get chance to sit and have a chat!
I daren't call some of my old world friends because they are so busy, there never seems to be a good time to chat. It's swings and roundabouts but basically you have to put effort in to friendships to get something out the other side... no effort - no friendship - simple!

BettyCash · 17/02/2011 15:43

Baggypussy Just because you work rather than being a SAHM doesn't mean you've CHOSEN to farm your kids out to strangers - it means you need what little cash is left after childcare is paid for. So judgemental!

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 15:56

I think for me the phrase would be that I chose to be a SAHM rather than have someone else have all the fun and joy of being at home with my DS and DD while I work for the few pennies that would be left after I pay for childcare and train tickets!

Teenybitsad · 17/02/2011 15:59

Mumleigh that's just awful...why would you say that when there are women on here driven to depression by their circumstances. Mean spirited that is.

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