to expect friends to try harder?

[BlackSwan]

Not sure how to post this - I'm a newish mum and a new SAHM and I've found that some of my old friends, those without kids particularly, just don't get that my new SAHM status is a real and valid choice and that I'm not just bumming around. I used to be a professional but discovered work and motherhood wouldn't be compatible for me. I choose to be a SAHM rather than have other people raise my DS. I completely understand that many don't have this choice to make, or would prefer to go back to work FT but that's not what I want.

Some of my friends now clearly view me as some kind of drop-out and aren't that concerned about losing touch. I think it's because they think you have to stay on the work treadmill or you're some kind of loafer. Perhaps it's because they don't understand how much of a pull you feel toward your kids when you do have them. Do I have to be superwoman in order to please my friends? I can't do it all.

In any case, I accept that they are perfectly free to move on with their lives without me, though I am disappointed in what I think is shortsighted and judgemental.

Not all my friends are like this. Though I think having a baby has changed many friendships. Those who are career focussed...want kids but can't have them etc. Am I the only one who has experienced this?

The whole SAHM v working mothers debate seems to come up a lot on "AIBU?" I'm OK with the idea of everyone doing what is right for them and their families and I don't really like to see people criticising others for making a different choice.

To the OP I would say that probably some of your friendships will last and others may not. Whether that is down to having children or moving away from town or meeting a new partner, there are loads of reasons why friends come and go from your life at times. Try not to take it too personally. I do understand that you're (understandably) keen for everyone to admire your child at every opportunity, but sometimes it's worth remembering that big news for you isn't necessarily such big news to other people. I mean that to be realistic advice, not criticism. Hope you understand that.

I think part of the reason that some friendships drift when one has children and stays at home to look after them is that one's timetable becomes incompatible with those who work in offices. These days, my prime socialising hours are between 9 and 5. Then it's bathtime, bedtime, and very occasionally I'm free to go out at about 8pm for an hour and a half before I'd like to go home to bed, please.

My friends who have serious jobs are, unsurprisingly, not that good at a two hour lunch in the middle of the day/ the odd coffee/ tea etc. And in the evenings they're invariably networking at industry events/ spending time with their husbands/ out on a date (if they're single.) (Incidentally I see a lot less of my single girlfriends because they know that they are unlikely to meet their future husband while playing with me and my baby in my house. I understand that.)

So I hang out with my freelance friends . . . .

All fair points ladies. I think you're right Edinburgh, some will last and others won't. I know we are all the centre of our own lives, not each-others!

OP - a lot of good advice has already been handed out.

IME, when we are younger, we expect that we will be best friends forever! I know I thought it. Now older and wiser, I know that definitely isn't the case.

Friends come and go through out your life. Don't stress it, make new friends who are in a similar place in your life and see what happens with the rest of them. Some will fall off the radar, others will come back on track given time.

I also think you are over analysing slightly, I doubt that many view you as a drop out, but logistically your life and their life is now very different. Don't stress it, you'll be fine.