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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect friends to try harder?

54 replies

BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 14:16

Not sure how to post this - I'm a newish mum and a new SAHM and I've found that some of my old friends, those without kids particularly, just don't get that my new SAHM status is a real and valid choice and that I'm not just bumming around. I used to be a professional but discovered work and motherhood wouldn't be compatible for me. I choose to be a SAHM rather than have other people raise my DS. I completely understand that many don't have this choice to make, or would prefer to go back to work FT but that's not what I want.

Some of my friends now clearly view me as some kind of drop-out and aren't that concerned about losing touch. I think it's because they think you have to stay on the work treadmill or you're some kind of loafer. Perhaps it's because they don't understand how much of a pull you feel toward your kids when you do have them. Do I have to be superwoman in order to please my friends? I can't do it all.

In any case, I accept that they are perfectly free to move on with their lives without me, though I am disappointed in what I think is shortsighted and judgemental.

Not all my friends are like this. Though I think having a baby has changed many friendships. Those who are career focussed...want kids but can't have them etc. Am I the only one who has experienced this?

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 16:03

and let's not forget "Perhaps it's because they don't understand how much of a pull you feel toward your kids when you do have them."

Hmm
fufflebum · 17/02/2011 16:05

As other people have said life changes when you have children. Be happy with the choice you made and continue for as long you are able/want too.

I have friends who have drifted away who don't have kids and some who do who see that being SAHM is easy option. Over the 6 year six years i have stayed at home people have expressed a range of views all of which I generally ignore.

TBH it has taken a long time for me to accept my choice and be able to live with it and not justify it to anyone. I see the benefit to me and the children as well as the downside to my career but I have accepted the choice.

Good luck. I remember reading somewhere that everyone has three careers. I am currently on number two being a SAHM the first one was professional and paid better. Lets see what number three will be!!!!!

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 16:06

teenybitsad - not sure what you mean? Just saying that for me personally it would not have been economically to remain at work. My travel costs and childcare would have eaten up all my salary. Not mean spirited just fact.

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 16:07

sorry meant economically viable

fracturedrainbow · 17/02/2011 16:20

@teenybitsad (and others) I don't think anyone has meant to be inflammatory, I think we all get a bit too sensitive if we feel our parenting skills are being knocked (I'm like it in the whole bf v ff discussions, even though I know 90% of people aren't judging me) and Black Swan has said she is a newish mum and newish sahm, I guarantee most of us used turns of phrase that got on other peoples nerves when we were in the early days(sorry Black Swan) AND add to that, you don't always come across as you intend to when you are writing out your probs. Rather than knock her turn of phrase, maybe we shoud offer constructuve help?

@blackswan You're NBU, hopefully it's more of a "settling in" period, how newish a mum are you? No offence, but I'm thinking weeks old? I found it totally overwhelming and my priorities totally changed, I do/did have some amazing friends and I have some that I prob should avoid more :) I also have some that have dropped off the face of the earth. I think you will find equilibrium again soon :o

Baggypussy · 17/02/2011 16:21

OK, I stand corrected. I just didn't read it as a dig.
Teeny, whilst I agree that it's the parents who are ultimately raising their children, surely the input of nurseries etc needs to be acknowledged?
BC- I totally appreciate that the vast majority of working mums need to work for financial reasons, however the OP clearly does not. Therefore, if she returned to work, in her case, an element of choice would have been involved.

Ormirian · 17/02/2011 16:30

baggy - I am quite sure it wasn't meant as a dig, but it was an ill-thought out comment and that causes arguments on here. And very untrue.

Kerrianne · 17/02/2011 16:40

I choose to be a SAHM rather than have other people raise my DS. I completely understand that many don't have this choice to make, or would prefer to go back to work FT but that's not what I want

How is that ill thought out? I actually felt a bit uncomfortable for the OP that she felt the need to explain at all, let alone explain it so inoffensively?

I choose to be a SAHM for the very same reason. What other people choose to do/have to do is entirely up to them.

Mumleigh · 17/02/2011 16:42

Just because I am a SAHM it does not mean that I disapprove of mums who go out to work. It was just simply my choice based on my own personal situation and the options that were open ( or closed) to me at the time. I would never criticise or judge a friend for working as most are doing so out of financial need ( and even if that is not the reason it's still up to them to do what they feel is best) but I feel that I am judged all the time for staying at home.

Ormirian · 17/02/2011 16:56

kerrianne - suggesting that working means I am leaving the raising of my children to someone else. You don't think that is a little unreasonable at all?

Of course she didn't need to justify herself. Not in the slightest. It would have been better if she hadn't.

littlebylittle · 17/02/2011 16:57

I think it's the word "raise" that causes upset here. Raise implies someone else making decisions, choosing the values by which your child lives, rather than simple child care. My dd is at school for as many hours as some children are in childcare. Does that mean school is raising my child? They are doing all sorts of roles, but "raising" in a parental sense is not what they're doing. I never feel people judge my choice to be a largely sahm nor vice versa. But I try not to use emotive language like that or I would be misconstrued. My choice to be a sahm, much as I enjoy it, is based as much on my own shortcomings and inability to multitask as it is on a philosophical opposition to others looking after my child.

Violethill · 17/02/2011 17:05

Very good post littlebylittle.

Sadly there are a (very) small number of posters who still like to throw out that tired old phrase 'letting other people raise your kids', or even better, 'letting strangers raise your kids'!!

It's just a load of nonsense, and transference of the posters insecurities.

FWIW I think the phrases which some people might find a tad offensive in the OP are:

"Perhaps it's because they don't understand how much of a pull you feel toward your kids when you do have them." - erm, yes, we all feel that. It isn't a barrier to many parents continuing to work.

"I think it's because they think you have to stay on the work treadmill or you're some kind of loafer. " - perhaps they don't view their work as a 'treadmill' but as an interesting facet of their life. The OP probably wouldn't like her stay at home life being described as a treadmill, so why describe other people's lives as such?

ANyway, I suspect the OPs friends are simply busy getting on with their own lives of family, children and work. I doubt theyre giving a second thought to whether she's a loafer, just busy with their own lives

Casserole · 17/02/2011 17:24

OP, I'm a SAHM too, but these two phrases in your OP made me wince:

"I choose to be a SAHM rather than have other people raise my DS."

"Perhaps it's because they don't understand how much of a pull you feel toward your kids when you do have them."

I really, really hope you're not saying either of those phrases to friends with children who DO work. OR, in the 2nd case, to the friends you mention who want kids but can't have them.

Original poster
BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 17:32

Thanks everyone for your views - yes, I could have been a little more careful in my turn of phrase. But let's not pretend we don't have views... if I were totally comfortable with my son being in nursery full time or with a nanny full time then I would have done that. I wasn't, so I didn't.

I'm not going to defend every word of my original post.

I'm more of a new SAHM than a mother - my son is a year old and I was planning on returning to work. Some friends have been positive about this (not that I need their support, but have clearly expressed that they understand why I would want to stay home). Others who don't have kids seem less inclined to catch up. I tend to think, whatever, if you're so busy to be friends anymore then that's fine - but for one reason or other friends seem to be dropping off.

One, for instance, has just got married - but no kids. I understand if she thinks we're just in different places. Another, married, no kids, but wants them badly... hasn't even been round to see my son yet, I understand that...she's been through a rough time with fertility treatment, babies are a sensitive subject with her. Another career driven mum, has just moved O/S for her job, so for one reason or another I'm feeling more distanced from the old crowd and I do miss everyone.

Must say I do have some single girl friends who are so incredibly sweet with my bub and view him as a kind of nephew - that's really touching. No one has gotten a car seat yet - that's beyond the call!

DS wants to shut the laptop now...I must go!

OP posts:
littlebylittle · 17/02/2011 17:38

Of course we have views, but not all sahm disapprove of childcare. I do feel a certain need to point that out, albeit anonymously!

NinkyNonker · 17/02/2011 17:40

If they're friends they won't make you feel like that.

I've not noticed anyone feeling that towards me in the same boat.

Do you think they really do or is it just that you feel they might, because a natural distance has developed because of a lack of things in common?

Original poster
BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 17:42

I don't disapprove of childcare. We all do what's right and what works for us and our kids. I felt I wouldn't have enough of a role in my son's life if he were in F/T nursery or with a nanny F/T. I worked in the City, where F/T means almost round the clock. It's different for everyone depending on their circs.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 17:44

NinkyNonker - I'm sure I am reading into it a bit! There's more of a lack of empathy than a real disapproval. I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. But I won't call them on it...women never do, do we!

OP posts:
Violethill · 17/02/2011 17:44

If you were working around the clock in the City, I am guessing that when you still worked, you had no time to drop round and see friends' new babies, or pop in for coffee or out for lunch or dinner?

You're just on the other side of the fence now.

Original poster
BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 17:59

Actually, I was always a doting friend. I LOVED seeing their new bubs. Took presents, cakes etc. Remembered birthdays, became Godmother etc. Violethill, you're making sweeping assumptions, you don't know me...

OP posts:
Violethill · 17/02/2011 18:03

"I worked in the City, where F/T means almost round the clock. "

Not making sweeping assumptions, just going by what you said!

If you were able to pop round and see friends, take them cakes etc, while working in the City around the clock, then maybe you are Superwoman!

Original poster
BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 18:15

zzz

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackSwan · 17/02/2011 18:15

sorry, think the appropriate reply is Biscuit

OP posts:
lesley33 · 17/02/2011 18:23

I have 3 grown up children so I do know what it is like to be at home with babies. But I have also experienced the other side. A friend now has an 18 month old child. I hardly see her anymore.

During the week I don't get home from work until 6.15pm. She starts the bedtime routine at 6.30pm and so we can never meet during the week.

At weekends she usually wants to spend it as a family. If she does want to meet up, she usually contacts me very last minute and I am normally already booked up.

Its not that I don't want to meet up with her, its just it is so difficult logistically.

Violethill · 17/02/2011 20:47

PMSL

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