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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how the fucking fuck to find a faithful man?

62 replies

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 17/02/2011 12:46

So, as some of you know, my dh (of 5 years) fucked off on the 13 of feb, six weeks after I misscarried our baby, which went very very wrong and led to me being incredibly ill in hospital. Nice right?
Well I found out last night that he's been carrying on with another girl for 4 weeks, followed my instincts and boom- was right! This is after four weeks of him treating me like shit because he's 'down'.

Anyhoo, please don't say you're sorry for me or whatever because I've honestly had enough shit this year and last to last me for a while and I'm glad I've got the chance now to start again.

But how do you find one that doesn't cheat??
3/5 of people I've been in relationships with have cheated (I never have)
AIBU to just want a nice man, who works, loves me for who I am and manages to keep his dick in his pants?

OP posts:
deepbluewave · 17/02/2011 12:56

What a fucking twat!

Obviously you are NOT being U..

I had a nice man, worked hard, kept his dick is in pants, but didnt love me for who I was and left me 24/40 weeks pregnant....if its not one thing, its summit else.

Blind leading the blind!

Cynical these days.

carmenelectra · 17/02/2011 13:02

Do you know what lady, I don't know whether you can to be honest.

I say this as a woman who has been in a long term relationship for many years. I believe him to be a good man and to have always been faithful; the way that I have, Who can be sure though eh?

I have seen so much shit on here and found out so much stuff about about people in real life, that I do wonder.

I guess there are some men that are absolutely truly faithful( and i am hoping that my DP is one of them!), but the older and more wordly-wise I get, the more I wonder if they are just better at hiding it.

Even if a man isnt actually physically faithful in the sense of having sexI suspect many men are guilty of doing things that some wives or partners would find appropriate.

Maybe I am just getting bitter and twisted in my old ageSmile

janinlondon · 17/02/2011 13:03

Honestly? I don't actually think they exist. My life is littered with examples. And I am constantly biting my tongue when friends tut tut and talk glowingly about their faithful husbands/boyfriends, when I know they are not. Some are better at hiding it than others, but I think a completely faithful man is as rare as rocking horse shit. I would so very much like to be proven wrong...

carmenelectra · 17/02/2011 13:03

Sorry meant UNFAITHFUL AND INNAPPROPRIATE!!

janinlondon · 17/02/2011 13:03

Oh Carmen, we are of one mind!

Bogeyface · 17/02/2011 13:05

Ime they dont exist.

And yes, I do know i will get flamed for that. But having sex with someone else isnt the only way to cheat and particularly since the internet and mobile phones, its so easy to do.

Bogeyface · 17/02/2011 13:05

X-posted.

I'm not the only one then?!

psiloveyou · 17/02/2011 13:11

lady what a twat you really are better off without that one.

I can't tell you how to find a good one. They do exist though and I'm sure you will find yours one day. In the meantime I would say enjoy life. Don't make your happiness all about a man. Make sure the vibes you give to men are those that say "don't mess with me cos I will not put up with it".
Grin

thefruitwhisperer · 17/02/2011 13:15

Go for the ugly ones. Wink

BooBooGlass · 17/02/2011 13:15

Jeez
You've had a hard time and I'm sorry for that. But what a cynical, bitter bunch you lot are coming across as.
OP, you need ot be on your own for a bit. It's possible you are attracting the wrong man because you would rather be with anyone than just be single. Being happily cingle is great. I am Shock that so many of you think that just by virtue of being male someone is pretty much guaranteed to be an arsehole. Good luck with that attitude Hmm

carmenelectra · 17/02/2011 13:20

JanGrin

Think Iam bitter, twisted and suspicious Smile

Over the past couple of years I have discovered the following:

Husband of a couple we know, shagging his next- door neighbour(full blown affair). Both lovely people(well so i thought), been together years, get on great together.

Friends Dp knocking it off with his ex girlfriend. Almost destroyed my friend.

DP'S married work colleague getting another(single) work colleague pregnant

MALE friends of my friend going to brothels after a night out and paying for sex. All have young attractive girlfriends. Not that it matters, it seems...

That is without all the crap that goes on on here!

Silver1 · 17/02/2011 13:24

Never say never-but points consider are picking slowly and carefully.
Looking at their track record
Look at who they remind you of and think is that a good thing?
look at who their friends are
look at how they are respected or not.

Stop thinking you need a man or that they need you.

I am sorry for what has happened-but you did ask. Good Luck.

Theonlyexception · 17/02/2011 13:27

Fucking hell, this is depressing :(
But saying that a faithful man doesn't exist is sexist and presumptious (sp?). Does a faithful woman not exist either then? And what are you meant to do, not trust anyone? Not allow yourself to feel fully happy in a relationship because 'all men cheat'? This way of thinking is just as damaging as being completely naive.So I think you have to be aware of the possibility of infidelity and 'never say never' but definately not just assume that your partner would cheat on you given the chance.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 17/02/2011 13:28

i think a lot of it has to do with upbringing and cultural background.

i've found one who has it in his very bones not to cheat. but he's not from this country where all too many are raised with this self-centred attitude of "my pleasure comes before all else" (and it's not just the blokes who cheat).

he sees it as an achievement to be faithful and something to strive towards to keep our relationship "clean". i think this attitude it the key tbh. anyone who is just faithful on the basis of their partner being "perfect" and "the one" is doomed to failure since no one is actually perfect.

janinlondon · 17/02/2011 13:28

Carmen I am with you - same kind of experience. I am not saying they are arseholes BooBoo - just that you are better off not expecting that kind of dedication from a man. I have yet to see one....and I am really quite old!

TrillianAstra · 17/02/2011 13:29

So your DH left you 4 days ago?

I'd leave it a bit before you think about finding any kind of man TBH.

Gleekfreak · 17/02/2011 13:33

Carmen - where do you live? Sounds like an episode of desperate housewives! :o

Theonlyexception · 17/02/2011 13:35

Agree with smashingnarcissists- it is important that your partners fidelity isn't based on your perfect relationship, but more on his own morals. My dh and I have spoken about this before and he has said his reasons for staying faithful are partly that he could not destroy our family, and would never be able to live with the guilt.

carmenelectra · 17/02/2011 13:37

Theonlyexception, I agree with you.

It is really difficult though I suppose trying to get a balance in a relationship.

Do you be trusting and believe all is rosy and possibly be made a mug of? Or do you always remain a bit suspicious and never say never, even with a good bloke and then maybe ruin it by living your life in this way?

I try and think of my own relationship. Good bloke, good father. Hve always trusted him as much as you ever can. However, although I am doubful that he would ever intentionally get up to anything now(or even have the opportunity), maybe I am naive in thing that he has never done anything.

When we were younger, he often went away on stag weekends, has been abroad. He promises me he has never done anything, but how would I ever know for sure. Drunken lads and girls all having a laugh. He is hardly ever gonna 'fess up!!

carmenelectra · 17/02/2011 13:37

gleekfreek, The Midlands!

They are all at it round here, you know!

janinlondon · 17/02/2011 13:38

I am often reminded, when listening to some of my friends talk about how faithful their husbands are, of the episode of Friends where Rachel announces that her new boyfriend doesn't like porn, and then the men repeat back to her the well known lines he probably fed her. (TOE this is NOT aimed at you, by the way).

Theonlyexception · 17/02/2011 13:48

Janinlondon-that scene in Friends makes me laugh whenever I see it- I know that with regards to porn this is a white lie my dh would tell me, especially after finding some very cheesy dvds in his teenage bedroom at his mums house!! Grin

oldwomaninashoe · 17/02/2011 13:49

Theonlyexception is right you need to have the same moral values.
I have had the opportunity to cheat but respect my DH far too much to do that to him.
If I went"off" him I would tell him, but not cheat, I expect/believe he would treat me the same.

Avoid the serial romantics ie those who are hooked on the chase and the buzz from a new relationship ie the ones that seem to fall in love too quickly, and don't dicount those who you don't have an instant attraction to, get to know them first.

Original poster
Ladyofthehousespeaking · 17/02/2011 13:51

Oh i don't want another man NOW Ffs, just having a mad old rant :D

OP posts:
BettyCash · 17/02/2011 13:56

I guess you need to work out how important fidelity is to you... and maybe why it's important, too.

Little slip-ups seem bound to happen in long-term committed relationships. It's unhappiness and affairs that seem most destructive.

Where do you draw the line - straying away or playing away?