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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how the fucking fuck to find a faithful man?

62 replies

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 17/02/2011 12:46

So, as some of you know, my dh (of 5 years) fucked off on the 13 of feb, six weeks after I misscarried our baby, which went very very wrong and led to me being incredibly ill in hospital. Nice right?
Well I found out last night that he's been carrying on with another girl for 4 weeks, followed my instincts and boom- was right! This is after four weeks of him treating me like shit because he's 'down'.

Anyhoo, please don't say you're sorry for me or whatever because I've honestly had enough shit this year and last to last me for a while and I'm glad I've got the chance now to start again.

But how do you find one that doesn't cheat??
3/5 of people I've been in relationships with have cheated (I never have)
AIBU to just want a nice man, who works, loves me for who I am and manages to keep his dick in his pants?

OP posts:
Theonlyexception · 17/02/2011 14:02

Agree about not discounting those that you don't feel an instant attraction to.I was friends with my dh for a while before we got together, and I met him because he was one of my sisters friends (interestingly, everyone who I tell this to goes 'Oh yeh? A friend eh?!' because, yes, everything is about sex when it comes to men and women getting along!) so I wasn't instantly attracted to him but started to feel more drawn to him the more time we spent together.Dh says he was attracted to me at first but wasn't keen to do anything about it as he didn't want a girlfriend at the time. I do think the men that are more 'passionate' and into the chase are likely to get bored quickly.

glitteryturd · 17/02/2011 14:17

Nope. My beloved husband who I am still with (slap me please) was cheating on me when I was fighting for my life in hospital! After that I found a lot of shit had gone on. I sent him to therapy to find out why he is such a prick and smashed his guilty laptop into a million peices. He was lucky it wasn't his face.

But...therapy worked. He came home a new man. I actually trust him. Yeh he can still be nobish but he would never cheat again. It is like he worked it out, dealt with it then valued what he had instead of looking for something else.

Maybe he is just scared cos I would rip it off if he dipped it elsewhere again!

lospolloshermanos · 17/02/2011 14:30

What an absolute twat, sorry lol

I would wait a while tbh.

you're a calmer woman than I think I'd have gone Saw on both of them.

Foreverondiet · 17/02/2011 14:41

I agree about the cultural background - in our case religious background.

I have been with my (wonderful) DH since 1995 (married since 1997) and I know he would never cheat.

He has a good job, is a great Dad to the DC, is very supportive of everything I do and he loves me.

But he isn't very romantic (always forgets my birthday, never does anything for our aniversary/valentines day) & he's very very shy & stammers with people he doesn't know well (and he's not very tall). For him to have an affair (and I don't think he would) someone would have to really really target him (and I know from 1995 how hard that was even when he was single).

wheretonow · 17/02/2011 14:51

A truly faithful man does not exist. Any man, no matter how devoted will cheat if given the opportunity and conspiring circumstances. Sorry but it is true.

breathing · 17/02/2011 14:58

Mine wont cheat.
He has already lost everything once in a divorce and doesnt want to go through that again.

also, he needs me more than I need him...that helps.

carmenelectra · 17/02/2011 15:04

foreveronadiet, ah! He sounds sweet.

Mymblesson · 17/02/2011 15:07

I'm curious, wheretonow. Do you think this applies to all women too?

sims2fan · 17/02/2011 15:11

Wheretonow - I don't think that's true. Yes, if seduced a lot would give in but then so would a hell of a lot of women. I know in my mind that I would never cheat on my husband. No matter who comes along, what lines I might be fed, I would absolutely turn them down. I made vows and they mean something. I like to think a lot of other people (women and men) feel the same. I do think, as some others have said, that upbringing has a lot to do with it. As fair as I know neither of my parents were unfaithful, and I'm pretty confident they never had affairs. I have 3 siblings, we are all married, no divorces, sister married for 20 years this year, brother 19, other brother 7 and me 4. I know all of my siblings are devoted to their spouses and I would be very surprised if any of them cheated. It is not common in my family to cheat, and marriage has always been held up as something that should be forever, and I think we all really believe that. My husband is also from a family with parents who haven't cheated (as far as we know of course) and I think his upbringing has taught him that when in a relationship you just don't cheat, and once married, that's it, you're with that person for good.

EleanorJosie · 17/02/2011 15:16

All you can do is find someone who seems stable, honest and trustworthy. If they want to cheat they will, if they want to be with you they will, that's how I see it. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay faithful. You can only behave well yourself and expect then to do the same.

noodle69 · 17/02/2011 15:18

I think you attract what you think you will. For instance I see most people as predominantly faithful and trustworthy and my dad was and most men I have ever had contact with. Hence when I met my husband I found someone similar.

Whereas I have friends who spent their time on facebook saying all men are wankers, all men cheat etc. Then find the same men over again and it happens which backs up their story. Dont mean to be hrash but the people I know bring it on themselves cause they are just shitmagnets. Its hard to break the pattern for them but obvious to the rest of the world.

cabbageroses · 17/02/2011 15:23

Basically, there are men who never will, and men who will.

The ones who won't are happy at home and/or cannot be bothered.

They are often not the most exciting men but they stick with it.

Malificence · 17/02/2011 15:24

"A truly faithful man does not exist. Any man, no matter how devoted will cheat if given the opportunity and conspiring circumstances. Sorry but it is true"

And you know that how , exactly? Hmm

My husband would no more cheat on me than I would on him - he is a truly faithful (and honest) man. I wouldn't have stayed married to him for 26 years if he wasn't.
He has had ample opportunity to cheat on me (and I on him), he was in the forces for the first 12 years of our marriage but I know 100% that he didn't because I know him - his honesty and integrity are the most important things to him and his love and respect for me wouldn't allow him to, it would never cross his mind to betray me and our marriage.

Theonlyexception · 17/02/2011 15:32

Malificence- my dh is in the forces too, and I have to trust him while he is away, if I didn't it would drive me mad!

Wheretonow- how do you know that what you say is true? Have you been and asked every man alive? No, you have made an assumption based on your own opinions and experiences.It is unfair to tar every man with the same brush. Do you also believe that every woman would cheat under the same circumstances? If a man made this generalisation about women he would get a flaming!

hymie · 17/02/2011 15:36

Pick bad partners and you get bad results.

Cheaters regardless of sex are out there (Could we guess at a 50-50 split regarding the sex of the cheater?)

I know Men that have cheated and Women that have cheated, it's crap either way innit?

mole1 · 17/02/2011 15:42

sims2 My family was full of never-divorced couples - my parents have been married for 50 years, and my Mum used to boast of how well she had brought up her children because they weren't divorced! She was actively so proud of it.

Sadly ex-h took to alcohol and beating me up, so the unblemished family record came to an end. At least he didn't cheat!!

I am now with dh whose first marriage ended after he was unfaithful. So he has form which, if I'm honest, makes me a little bit unsure of him but mostly he's a lot older now and lacks energy!! We are happy and I really don't think he'd want to throw it all away again.

Mymblesson · 17/02/2011 15:44

If a man made this generalisation about women he would get a flaming!

Let's see.

Based on a couple of relationships in the past, I can confidently say that all women are lying, cheating emotionally abusive slappers with quick-release knickers who even try to seduce your best friend when you're away abroad for a few weeks and when that doesn't work, jump on another, more pliable friend instead.

How am I doing?

Malificence · 17/02/2011 15:44

I think noodle69 makes a very good point actually, especially about expectations and standards.
DH's parents had a long and happy marriage until MIL died 12 years ago, his dad was faithful and hasn't had even a brief relationship with another woman since she died. My SIL and BIL have been married for almost 20 years with no infidelty on either side too.
My DH works with a guy whose wife hasn't wanted sex with him for over 2 years and he hasn't been unfaithful ( DH is very good at being an agony uncle), there are lots of people, men and women, who won't cheat, no matter what.

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 15:47

Be less obsessive about monogamy. There is so much more to life than putting a padlock round someone else's genitals, and the majority of people are not, actually, monogamous, particularly not for decades on end. If you are a real monogamy fetishist then, like any fetishist, you need to find a likeminded partner or learn to accept a compromise of some kind.
FWIW understanding that monogamy is unnatural for many people can make it easier to remain physically monogamous if that's what you and your partner want. Because if you're rational about your monogamy fetish you can cope with feeling attracted to another person without feeling that it means the new person has to be The ONe and you therefore have to make a huge fucking melodrama out of what was a passing fancy.

Malificence · 17/02/2011 16:02

Actually, a padlock around someone's genitals is a chastity fetish not monogamy. Wink
Being Monogamous is not a fetish, it's what a person is, like being gay or straight, it's not a choice, you can't be partially monogamous, you either are or you are not.
Being able to handle feelings of attraction towards a person other than your partner is just being an emotionally healthy grown up.

janinlondon · 17/02/2011 16:07

Can I just point out that most people who are cheating are not walking around with signs on their foreheads, and the ones who do it most successfully are the ones who never get caught. Regardless of gender. No one is ever going to sit down with their partner and explain the reasons why they are NOT going to stay faithful. Where is the pay off in that one???? But an awful lot of people I know have had the Why I would never cheat on you darling conversation. And dear God in heaven, they probably did it pretty well because I know their partners believed them.

BooBooGlass · 17/02/2011 16:08

Fucking hell jan what a bleak world view you have :(

janinlondon · 17/02/2011 16:10

BooBoo I worked as the only woman in an all male environment for many many years. After a while they forgot I was there.....

noodle69 · 17/02/2011 16:12

I worked in many an all men environment but still think you are talking out your arse

Malificence · 17/02/2011 16:12

People who have no intention to cheat don't need to have the "why I'll never cheat" conversation Wink