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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that my exh can afford 5 weeks holiday abroad in a year...

75 replies

RockLover · 17/02/2011 09:50

.....but refuses to visit DD here as it costs him £70 return on the train and it is, according to him, "too expensive". He is off around Europe for 4 weeks in the summer and is booking another week abroad for the Easter break. Whilst it's his life and up to him what he does, he didn't consult me about dates and just expects DD and I to fit around his plans.

As a result, it is up to me to drive the 200 odd miles to get her to my home town (so that I can then stay with my parents until I pick her up) and he reluctantly agrees to pick her up from the station there and take her back to London with him.

Now I don't object at all about doing a certain amount of the running about as exh cannot drive due to sight problems and it was me that moved away to be with my new partner.

However, I have just had another baby (with my fiance) and I am still expected to do ALL the leg work even though it means doing a 4 hr journey with DD (6) and a very young baby alot of the time on my own (dp doesn't drive and cannot always come with me because of work).

Exh lives in London and enjoys a very full social life and really doesn't like making any type of effort that puts him out. He hardly ever phones DD and makes a HUGE fuss if I can't get DD to him (my pregnancy was a bone of contention as I struggled with severe nausea all the way through and I had to cancel a few visits as I didn't feel well enough to travel). He never offered to come and see DD instead.

I should add, he is a secondary school teacher on a decent salary, lives with his Mum in London for minimal rent and owns a property in my home town which he rents out, so he is not short of money (as the holidays attest to).

So AIBU to be getting a bit pissed off with his lack of effort or compromise? I have bent over backwards to accommodate him because of his driving issues and because I felt a little guilty at moving DD further away from him. However, when I pointed out the other day we needed some give and take as I have a small baby to consider as well as DD now he said "with all due respect, that's not my problem". In other words, I have to sort any problems out and carry on doing ALL the travelling.

Sorry about the ramble, all honest opinions welcome.

OP posts:

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 09:53

Sounds like you have made a rod for your own back by doing all the legwork. Stop it. Make him make the effort, why tie yourself in knots?
I appreciate you want to keep the contact up for your dd's sake, but not if it stressing you out.

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 09:56

Why are you doing all this running about. If he wants to see his child, then he should make the effort.

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 09:58

It bloody is stressing me out, especially since I am recovering from a c-section and he is still expecting DD to be brought to him somehow (my Dad is actually giving us a lift for the half term visit as I am still unable to drive).

I think I am more annoyed about the fact that he thinks he's such a great parent/person but really doesn't make any effort at all to contact DD in between visits and blames me entirely if any visits are cancelled/changed. He is not taking any responsibility for anything.

OP posts:

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 09:59

Is this court ordered contact/access?

No way should you be making all the effort. Stop it now!

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:00

Much to my embarrassment Squeaky, he is very manipulative in the way he talks and finds it very easy to make me feel guilty.

DP and my family think I should get legal advice on what share of the travelling is reasonable.

OP posts:

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 10:01

No YANBU. My DH has it the other way round. His ex moved to NI without his permission and flatly refuses to facilitate any contact between him and his daughter and he can not afford to go over and see his daughter as often as he likes. We don't go on holiday though in fact we don't go anywhere LOL. You are being a star to do the amount of travelling you are doing to keep up contact with his daughter however, if he can not be bothered there is not much you can do. I would say to him that he needs to start making an effort from now on and offer to do half of the travelling and then leave it up to him. Sad for your daughter but maybe once he realises that you aren't going to do all the running around he may decide to put more effort in.

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:01

No, we sorted the access out ourselves when we spilt up in 2006.

OP posts:

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 10:03

RockLover don't be embarrassed, get empowered! Stop letting him control you still. Show him he no longer has the power to affect how you feel/what you do.

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 10:03

You have a new life, a new baby, a new partner, and your eldest child is growing up within that family unit, with I assume, a loving stepdad there.

If her biological dad really wants to see her, then it is up to him to make the effort to get to her. Dont let him have you for a mug.

If he is being an arse with you on the phone, let your partner speak to him and make the arrangements so that your ex doesnt have to speak to you.

Tell him to take it through the courts if he isnt happy. He can clearly easily afford to travel to see his child, so you are not denying him access.

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:04

I would love to do that Bluecollie, but I would get accused of ruining his relationship with her. Earlier this year he said it was my responsibility to ensure that his family had a relationship with dd by making sure she was delivered to him when required. I obviously told him where to go, but that is the sort of shit he comes out with.

He really, honestly thinks that he is being reasonable.

OP posts:

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 10:06

Rocklover just read your last post. When my DH fought through the courts for access he was told that because he is the one requesting contact then unfortunately it is up to him as they can not force the Resident Parent to meet costs. However, his ex was told that if she continues to be difficult with contact, and that if in months to come they are back before him as contact has not been happening, because she refuses to get her daughter to Belfast Airport then she would not be looked upon very favourably at all. The judge was thoroughly pissed off with her when she said she was not going to do one small bus journey to the airport.

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 10:07

x post sorry.

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:09

That is what I am seriously thinking of doing squeaky, I think the legal route is the way to go. I have to confess that the situation is also partly my fault as I offered to do alot of the travelling as I knew he'd be a bit annoyed that I was moving DD a further 200 miles away from him.

It was a stupid promise to make as I really didn't think of the implications and I wasn't pregnant at that time. My family get quite angry with me for being such a mug and I know they're right :(.

OP posts:

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 10:11

I do think both parents have equal responsibility for children to see both sides of extended family and I think you have been doing this but your circumstances have changed. I would say to his family that they can come and see your daughter anytime they want to and then it leaves it up to them. They have jsut as much responsibilty to see their grandchild too. It sound like you are being bullied a bit.
It is not reasonable to go on lots of holidays and then say you can't afford £70!

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:12

Your poor DH Bluecollie, doesn't the mum think about the effect on her child that not seeing her dad will have? Makes me mad when parents are so selfish. Just because adult relationships end, it isn't a license to cut off the children's relationships.

OP posts:

nenevomito · 17/02/2011 10:12

Just reading through your posts and wondered how far away from your Ex you moved?

When DH moved 2 hours drive away from his DD he always did the travelling to pick her up and drop her off as he had made the decision to move so saw it has his responsibility. When we had our DCs and couldn't do the travelling, we ended up relocating to be nearer to her as the travelling was too much.

I am wondering that as he can't drive and as you moved away, why you think its unreasonable that you should do the travelling?

If a non-resident parent moved hundreds of miles away and then expected the resident parent to do all the travelling, it would be seen as unreasonable, so why it it unreasonable of him the other way around?

TalkinPeace2 · 17/02/2011 10:12

What does DD think?

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 10:13

Oh and try 'famillies need fathers' they may be able to give you advice on what would be considered acceptable in your circumstances and it won't cost you a penny. I think they help both sides and not just fathers that have had contact stopped by evil ex's.

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 10:14

I am sure he isnt the only member of his family who cant drive too.. maybe he could ask one of them to drive him to collect his child.

It should be done in turns really, as that is the fairest and most logical way.

He probably takes advantage, knowing that you can visit your parents at the same time.

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:25

Bluecollie his family are orginally from mianland Europe (they emigrated to London in the 70s) and they don't actually believe that any other place outside London exists.

Getting them down to the west country would be impossible. Also, exh's father is an alcoholic who used to beat his wife, he would never be welcome in my home, although luckily he lives abroad at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:25

mainland*

OP posts:

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:27

squeaky his mum and brother drive and I did suggest he bring someone else with him to visit DD. But he has already said if he did visit as a "one off" it would be too expensive to bring anyine else with him.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 10:32

he is talking utter bollocks and just making excuses...

does he REALLY want to see his kid? or is he just enjoying having you doing all the running as some sort of punishment..

If his priority was to see his child, then he would make the effort to see her and suck up the costs at least half the time.

He should get the coach maybe.. that is a damn sight cheaper than the train.

pleasechange · 17/02/2011 10:33

babyheave I was wondering exactly the same thing. OP - when you made the decision to move your child away from her father, what part did the difficulty of access arrangements, and the fact that he can't drive, play in that decision? Did you ex have any say in how far away you moved?

Original poster

RockLover · 17/02/2011 10:36

Talkin, DD adores he dad, but does ask very often why he never visits her where she lives, she's desperate for him to come down.

He did visit once on the day of an England world cup match (we even put him up the night before as arrived late afternoon). He took DD out for 2 hours, then insisted he be back at our flat so he could watch the match, then he went home straight after.

Baby, I don't think it is unreasonable that I do quite a bit of travelling as he cannot drive. However, I do think it unreasonable that he can NEVER makes an effort to visit sometimes as it is what DD wants and also he never phones DD (whereas my mum and dad speak to her at least once a week) to maintain contact.

As far as I'm aware, splitting up from a partner does not mean you have to stay in one area for the rest of your life just to make things easier for them, no matter their circumstances.

Plus ex has said on numerous occasions that he fully intends to move abroad at some point because he hates the lifestyle in the UK appatrently.

OP posts:

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