to be annoyed that my exh can afford 5 weeks holiday abroad in a year...

[RockLover]

.....but refuses to visit DD here as it costs him £70 return on the train and it is, according to him, "too expensive". He is off around Europe for 4 weeks in the summer and is booking another week abroad for the Easter break. Whilst it's his life and up to him what he does, he didn't consult me about dates and just expects DD and I to fit around his plans.

As a result, it is up to me to drive the 200 odd miles to get her to my home town (so that I can then stay with my parents until I pick her up) and he reluctantly agrees to pick her up from the station there and take her back to London with him.

Now I don't object at all about doing a certain amount of the running about as exh cannot drive due to sight problems and it was me that moved away to be with my new partner.

However, I have just had another baby (with my fiance) and I am still expected to do ALL the leg work even though it means doing a 4 hr journey with DD (6) and a very young baby alot of the time on my own (dp doesn't drive and cannot always come with me because of work).

Exh lives in London and enjoys a very full social life and really doesn't like making any type of effort that puts him out. He hardly ever phones DD and makes a HUGE fuss if I can't get DD to him (my pregnancy was a bone of contention as I struggled with severe nausea all the way through and I had to cancel a few visits as I didn't feel well enough to travel). He never offered to come and see DD instead.

I should add, he is a secondary school teacher on a decent salary, lives with his Mum in London for minimal rent and owns a property in my home town which he rents out, so he is not short of money (as the holidays attest to).

So AIBU to be getting a bit pissed off with his lack of effort or compromise? I have bent over backwards to accommodate him because of his driving issues and because I felt a little guilty at moving DD further away from him. However, when I pointed out the other day we needed some give and take as I have a small baby to consider as well as DD now he said "with all due respect, that's not my problem". In other words, I have to sort any problems out and carry on doing ALL the travelling.

Sorry about the ramble, all honest opinions welcome.

When my parents divorced Mum and I moved 3000 miles from my dad.
I saw him for three days each summer.
He was never particularly interested in me till I was old enough to take out to bars.
When I was 18 I stayed with him for a month. Never again. Now I know why my Mum divorced him.
I now see him for about two days every two years.
He has come to my house once (for lunch) in the last 43 years.
But he's still my Dad and we can natter for 3/4 hour on the phone and exchange daft emails every week or two.

Rocklover
stop trying to create a level of contact that your ex is clearly not that bothered about.
When DD is old enough to go up to London on the train on her own, a dad living there will be a very useful thing - and they can work out a new relationship.

A few thoughts at random:

Would it be cost effective for her to travel via air as an unaccompanied minor?

Maybe Exeter to London City via Air Southwestern? I don't know if they do an unaccompanied minor service, however.

I do think that you need to try to separate out your feelings about his footloose lifestlye with trying to weigh up what is fair for his relationship with your daughter.

I have to say, as a teacher, I would hardly ever take weekend trips in term time as I would always have a significant amount of work that had to be done over each weekend. Just a thought. However, this does not excuse him never coming to see her in term time or rarely phoning her.

Have you tried Skype?

Maybe call his bluff and buy him a train ticket?

I did speak to Exh about it twilight and I explained why we were moving and was very apologetic as well. He was fine with it at the time.

I don't understand the comment about £400 a month, I never said I was getting £400 a month from exh, if you could clarify I'd be grateful.

"If your ex said "I can't bring her to you, I had an operation/a baby/a broken leg", would you not feel that it's his bloody problem and should adhere to his commitment of facilitating contact?" Actually that's a very interesting question, I've had to accept cancelled visits quite alot in the past as there was alot of domestic viloence going on between exh's mum and alcoholic dad and he felt he had to be there for her, rather than have DD visit at times.

I obviously wasn't completely happy, but, that was the situation, so I accepted it. And obviously the times when he is ill he doesn't have her either, which again I don't complain about.

twilight3 the OP said the exh pays £200pm not £400pm!

but he's responsible only for half the cost of her upbrining, right?

Rock ,like someone else said before here, I'm not here to argue his case for him so I'm leaving the thread now. I just hope that you work it out between you for your DD's sake.

It seems that he has made several mistakes in the past just like you have and there's a lot of resentment between you two.

In all honesty I think he should call more, I think you should do most of the travelling at least in term time and you should both have more consideration for each other's life (new partners, babies, holidays abroad) if this is going to work for your DD.

But bitternes and sense of entitlement often blinds both parties when a relationship breaks down (and I'm speaking of bitter experience, alhtough there were no children involved so it was easier)

Rocklover - i hope this helps you as i am in a similar situation.

I lived in Minehead, Somerset with an ex and had 1 child.

We spilt and i moved back to manchester. (more jobs than somerset).

I have to pay maintenace, petrol and b&b, costs me easily £500 per month yet i would not expect the ex the bring my child or to contribute to petrol costs as it was my decision.

We have also been in a similar situation when dh's ex moved 900 miles away.

The court expected the travel to be shared. It was not all her responsibility to do the travelling and the costs were shared as well.

If she brought the children over and stayed then we paid half the ferry cost etc.
Otherwise she brought them to a pre arranged meeting point at the start of the stay and then we took them back to another prearranged point. The travel was equal and we all had similar costs.

We didn't expect her to pay everything because she moved away with her new husband. BBut we did expect her to enable contact by agreeing visits and doing her share.

Due to the distance we only saw the children in holidays. There was also weekly phonecalls which we took turns to pay for.

It isn't easy but at the end of the day you do it for the children. And dh definitely didn't have an amicable divorce.

I don't think it is up to you to do all the travelling all the time. You have the right to a life as well and ensuring your dd has a happy home life is part of that.

You are not stopping contact just asking that your ex makes the occasional effort. Nothing wrong with that as far as I can see.

And coach tickets can be very cheap if you book them in advance.

Just a comment on the lack of phone calls - might be worth getting your dd to call her dad during the week. He really might not appreciate that she can have these calls. I recall my ex speaking to our daughter on the phone at a similar age and it often wasn't successful. She would be silent (if you got her in the wrong mood, over tired etc) and the conversation wasn't fun. I think when we're in a relationship with the dad we, i.e mums, help to bridge these gaps but if the relationship ends then that 'support' isn't there.

One thing to focus on here is that your daughter loves to spend time with her dad..that is very excellent taht she's happy and relaxed with both parents. Your efforts to date (as parents) are paying off. Could your DP help out with some of the drive?

A court would look at the issue - travel distance, they would look at what is in the child's best interests - to remain in contact with both parents and then look at the resources available to each parent to facilate contact.A court would prefer that mediation is first attempted - could you suggest this?

meant to say - it's very good or excellent that your daughter is happy.He must be getting somethings right.

What you are doing is laying a positive foundation for your child. That effort will be acknowledged later in her life, even if it feels one sided and uphill at the moment. Do hang on to that fact - you are not doing this for your ex but for your daughter.

If you lived in London Do you honestly think that he would see that much more of her??
I don't think the cost of the travel is really an issue hear I think it amounts to the time that he probably feels is wasted travelling.
There is no reson why you cant meet at a convenient spot midway, where he can get a train or coach easily into Central London.
I doubt if the situation will alter much as she gets older and can travel alone, sadly.

Smum we have to text in advance to arrange phone calls as he is very rarely at home. As I said he has a very busy social life including a girlfriend (I am actually really happy for him about that, it took him a while to find someone), so I couldn't just get DD to call spontaneously.

Also I know what you mean about laying a positive foundation for DD, I have always focussed on her needs since we split up because things have been very difficult. I would never stop access and I will never refuse to travel to him.

I think there should be a law that if the resident parents want to mvoe away from the other parents and where the child is settled the child should be moved to the parent who is not moving away. That would be fairer.

Well that wouldn't have worked in my case Xenia because I was living in my home town in Oxfordshire and my exh lives in London. So either way my DD would have had to move and change schools.

Also I think if a law like that existed there would be quite a drop in the number of children conceived! In fact, would it just not be easier to ban divorce? That way the parents would have to stay together for the sake of the children, problem solved. Then you wouldn't get evil mothers like me ruining the lives of their offspring .

I posted this thread on AIBU because I wanted a range of opinions which I got and and I'm grateful for. However, there are a few posts that I find particularly offensive to me personally which I don't think were called for.

I think I made a mistake in starting this thread and will keep my problems to myself in future. However, I have been given some food for thought and will have a think through things, so thanks to those who answered my post constructively.

I imagine you might not have been happy if your husband said I am having the child and am moving to New Zealand so parents who move away do need to think how would the other parent feel about that before moving and perhaps not move in the way they choose to. They have taken a decision to bring up a child in X place and the one who wants to move should be the one who loses the children.

I think there have been some ridiculously judgemental posts on this topic. Life moves on, ffs, and I would suggest that it is far better for the OP's DD to be brought up in what sounds like a much happier new home even if this is 200 miles from London. The ex-h, who appears to live the Life of Riley in all other aspects, really should make some effort towards seeing his daughter and not expect everyone else to do all the travelling.

Certainly, it is quite wrong - as some of you are implying - for the OP to be punished for having the cheek to build a new life for herself and DD.

"the one who wants to move should be the one who loses the children"

is such a spectacularly sweeping and impractical statement as to have almost no relevance in anyone's life, i would imagine.

my exh would be horrified if i suggested he look after ds1 full time. and he'd have to employ a full time nanny to look after ds1 while he worked. ds1 would also i suspect be fairly dismayed at leaving the family he has known and lived with for most of his life to live with his father who he only sees once a fortnight. how would this be in the interests of the child? (and we're far from unusual)

Thank you Gloria, that is all I was trying to get across that I just wanted a little more effort from ex, not that he do the majority of the travelling.

I knew and accepted that when I moved I'd have to do the lion's share of getting DD to access visits, but I really don't think I am being totally unreasonable asking for a teeny bit of give from DD's dad.

I have built a new life for myself and DD, we live in a lovely rural town, DP and DD get on brilliantly and she regularly tells him that she loves him and to be honest, he is more of a father than her real Dad ever was. When exh and I were married I did ALL the care of DD and he did sod all, yet he seems to think he is father of the year.

I truly am baffled by the comments that I have been cruel in moving away and that parents who dare to move should hand their kids over to the other parent, it really is ridiculous.

In my situation if DD went to live with her Dad she would in fact be bought up by her grandmother as ex works full time and would never give that up. Nor would he give up his travelling abroad either, it's a sad fact, but DD is very much out of sight, out of mind for my ex and it makes me very sad.

As you say, you've made a rod for your own back.

I think that the parent who moves away has the responsibility of the lions share of the travelling - the other parent didn't have a choice about their children being moved 200 miles away.

However it does sound as if he's being a deliberate twat.

Very unlucky to have picked two OHs who don't drive!

My Mum moved because my Dad was seeing somebody else - he remarried within weeks of the divorce.
I'm unusual in that I saw my dad so little
BUT we now have a working relationship and even he admits I turned out OK.

OP Howbleddy is right.
You need to set your DD the example by being a strong role model yourself.
If your ex wants to see her he can lift a finger.
Trust me when she's old enough to want to go to the big smoke they will sort out a new relationship

and that is the real point. Once a marriage goes, all the boundaries have to be reset to fit the new situation. Some posters seem to think that setting it in aspic makes it better. It doesn't, it makes it false.

I can understand your position in a way as in a few months I'll be the same. I'll be moving to the UK from Ireland in August and it has been agreed that I'll travel back here 7 times a year so that my son can see his father although he only has only agreed to come over 3 times a year and even if he doesn't bother coming over at all he won't get into trouble however if I fail to get my son over even 1 of those 7 times I'll be forced to move back to Ireland. I don't believe I'm being selfish in moving my son so far away from his father. I'm doing it so he can have a better life as work where I am living at the moment is very scarce and as I didn't finish school because I was pregnant at 16 with my son my options are limited. However I can go to college in the UK with the exam results I do have. It was explained to me that when your the parent that decides to move you bare the brunt of the travelling. I completely accept this fact but it still saddens me that if I weren't to bring my son over those 7 times he would probably never see his dad again after the next year :( YANBU in feeling frustrated that your ex seems to have little interest in making an effort to see his child. I believe a parent should want to move heaven and earth even to spend 5 mins with there child and if they don't then they don't deserve to be parents.

You aren't cruel in moving away. You have to get on with your life. EX clearly has no problem with getting on with his, but is still able to manipulate you. Get legal advice on visitation, have a non-partial party sort it out for you because it will only continue to you disfavour you if you don't. He can't afford to come to see DD because he is prioritizing going on vacation.

Thank you ladies for your honesty and constructive thoughts on my problem. I fully accept that I must do the brunt of the travelling, but I also have got to the point where I am finding exh's lack of committment to our daughter very maddening.

My DP and family have suggested as you do GotArt that I need to see a solicitor to find out where I stand legally and to find out what is "fair" re travelling etc.

I have bent over backwards for this man to maintain a relationship with his child and I feel so mad for her that he just isn't making the effort, just blaming me if he isn't able to see her. I am aware that her visits have been a little sparse lately due to my illness in pregnancy and I have apologised to him for that.

I made a horrid 5 hour journey to my parents last night (Dad driving) with DD and my newborn son specifically so my ex will get his access visit this week. Sitting in a car with horrendously swollen legs and feet, pain from my c-section (2 weeks ago), back pain and a crying baby was very hard indeed, but I would hope it illustrates the fact that I am not trying to wriggle out of my responsibilities.

I am now at my parents for the week until DD needs to be collected from her dad (which means I am also keeping DS away from his Dad this week, I can't win)! Admittedly ex has agreed to travel an hour on the train from London to my home town to get DD, for which I am grateful, but he has made it clear that I should be grateful as he is going out of his way for me . Yet he can never recognise the efforts I have to make (don't even ask about Christmas) to ensure their relationship is continued.

I feel very sorry for your little girl that she should have to put up with a father who doesn't seem very bothered unless she is literally handed to him. I can see that you are clearly a reasonable person and I really hope if all works out for you.

Thank you Just, I feel bad for DD too, because she absolutely adores him!

I know when they are together they have fun, but when she is back with me, there is literally no word from him at all until he texts to sort out the next visit. :(

Hang in there Rock. Your parents sounds fab helping you out lots and your DP understanding. Get the legal advice soon. You won't be of any help to anyone if you become seriously ill. Good luck.