to be annoyed that my exh can afford 5 weeks holiday abroad in a year...

[RockLover]

.....but refuses to visit DD here as it costs him £70 return on the train and it is, according to him, "too expensive". He is off around Europe for 4 weeks in the summer and is booking another week abroad for the Easter break. Whilst it's his life and up to him what he does, he didn't consult me about dates and just expects DD and I to fit around his plans.

As a result, it is up to me to drive the 200 odd miles to get her to my home town (so that I can then stay with my parents until I pick her up) and he reluctantly agrees to pick her up from the station there and take her back to London with him.

Now I don't object at all about doing a certain amount of the running about as exh cannot drive due to sight problems and it was me that moved away to be with my new partner.

However, I have just had another baby (with my fiance) and I am still expected to do ALL the leg work even though it means doing a 4 hr journey with DD (6) and a very young baby alot of the time on my own (dp doesn't drive and cannot always come with me because of work).

Exh lives in London and enjoys a very full social life and really doesn't like making any type of effort that puts him out. He hardly ever phones DD and makes a HUGE fuss if I can't get DD to him (my pregnancy was a bone of contention as I struggled with severe nausea all the way through and I had to cancel a few visits as I didn't feel well enough to travel). He never offered to come and see DD instead.

I should add, he is a secondary school teacher on a decent salary, lives with his Mum in London for minimal rent and owns a property in my home town which he rents out, so he is not short of money (as the holidays attest to).

So AIBU to be getting a bit pissed off with his lack of effort or compromise? I have bent over backwards to accommodate him because of his driving issues and because I felt a little guilty at moving DD further away from him. However, when I pointed out the other day we needed some give and take as I have a small baby to consider as well as DD now he said "with all due respect, that's not my problem". In other words, I have to sort any problems out and carry on doing ALL the travelling.

Sorry about the ramble, all honest opinions welcome.

will you be expected to fly your daughter to see him then?

seriously... tell him it gets split 50/50 from now on, and thats that..

At the moment I couldn't afford to facilitate flights abroad, but I'd be willing to do what I reasonably could to get her to him.

There is alot of bad history between us which I won't go into, and despite the fact that I do feel sorry that he has sight problems and cannot drive, he can also be extremely manipulative and bullying.

And yes, he does want to have a relationship with DD, just as long as he doesn't have to make any effort whatsoever, which to me, isn't the attitude of a father who adores his child.

BTW sorry for all my stupid typos, I'm not checking before I post as looking after baby at the same time.

"As far as I'm aware, splitting up from a partner does not mean you have to stay in one area for the rest of your life just to make things easier for them, no matter their circumstances."

would you feel the same way if your ex-partner had custody of your child? Would you then consider your circumstances irrelevant? You're not to stay in the same area, to make life easier for the dad, but for your child.

YABU, afaic you made your bed and you should lie in it. having a new baby and a fiance who can't always help you is entirely your problem, nothing to do with your ex. He shouldn't have to do any travelling, I'm pretty sure he wasn't happy about you moving away?

He might intent to move abroad, but he hasn't so this is all theoretical.

Rock - I never said in my post that if parents split they should always live near each other. What I said was that if the non-resident parent moved away, they would be expected to do the travelling, so I didn't understand how it was unreasonable the other way round.

and afaic it's got nothing to do with how much he can afford to spend on a holiday. His holidays will be when he is off work. In moving away so far from him, you are expecting him to travel 400 miles roundtrip to see his daughter, presumably at weekends after a full week's work? And what do you expect him to do with her when he gets there - hangaround your house/sit in macd's all day?/book a hotel?

twilight I see your point, which is why I have been doing all the running around so far, but having another child is going to make things slightly more difficult. Are you suggesting that as a divorced parent I have no right to a life when my exh can do whatever he wants, when he wants?

If he needs to cancel a visit then that is fine, but if I need to then I am being unreasonable.

I didn't choose to meet a new partner who lived in a different area, it just happend! I moved down to him because he earns the most and it would not have been possible for him to get a job up where I lived, for anywhere near the same wage as he earns now. We really had to weigh up the pros and cons before we made a decision about what we would do.

It's funny that he is able to travel around Europe for 4 weeks with a sight disability (he refuses to register as blind in one eye btw as he leads a very normal life and doesn't consider himself disabled in any way) and has no trouble. But as soon as I suggest he might do one 2 hr journey on the train in the country he lives in every so often I am being unreasonable. How is that twilight?

It's not unreasonable to be annoyed, but you would be unreasonable to not take your DD to see him if that is what she wants.

I drive my dd twice a year to see her dad on the condition he pays for the fuel. He has visited her 3 times in 5 years.

with regards to your partner not always being able to come, why don't you just say to your ex it will have to be on such and such a day but he is welcome to meet you somewhere conveinient to pick her up.

"Are you suggesting that as a divorced parent I have no right to a life" - but 'having a life' does not mean you have to move your child 200 miles away from her father

"We really had to weigh up the pros and cons " - well it sounds like you didn't spend enough time thinking about the cons and now you're pissed off with your ex as a direct result from the fallout of your own decision

You are not alone in your frustrations.

My Dsis cannot afford to take my DNiece on any holiday (here or abroad), but her ExH and his new partner (who has 3 boys) are going to Disneyland in Paris for a week with her children, even though neither of them work and he pays nothing for DNiece. Thought he might have offered to take her along, but no...

allnew there is plenty for him to do down here and we have very good transport links (as well as the fact that I gave him lifts wherever he wanted to go the one time he visited).

When DD visits him at his mother's flat in London he sees her during the day, but the majority of nights he is ot with his mates and his mum babysits DD. I didn't realise this until DD mentioned that daddy went out alot and then he admitted as much to me when I asked him.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to feel sorry for him, as he has the life of riley. He had DD for Christmas, I bought, wrapped and supplied all the stocking presents, along with stocking (which I always do as he never contributes to that) and sent a few main presents down with her to put under their tree.

All he did was complain at me that it was so hard to transport everything because he didn't drive (although his mate gave him a lift in the end). What was I supposed to do, tell DD Father Christmas couldn't bring her presents this year? Ex certainly wasn't willing to go out and buy the stocking stuff so I had no choice. This is what I am up against!

It does really sound though that all the issues are distance related, and the fact remains that it was your decision to create this distance.

Did you really think through the real and practical ramifications that this would have for the rest of DD's life & ability to have a relationship with her father?

"allnew there is plenty for him to do down here" - where would he sleep/eat/chill out though? You know, the sort of things you do at home with children

"he has the life of riley" - it really sounds like your envious and resentfull. You made your choice to take DD away to life with and become dependent upon another man. Your ex is getting on with his life - what do you want him to do - curl up and die?

No allnew I am pissed off with ex because he couldn't give that much of a toss about DD. How often would you expect an absent parent to phone a 6 year old or at least contact me to see how she's doing? Every 2 months or so is NOT enough!

But yes maybe I didn't think enough about the cons and her dad would prefer me and DP to live nearer to him for convenience but on loads of benifits (which he wouldn't because he thinks parents that do that are bad role models to their kids) because of the salary drop DP would have to take.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to earn enough to cover full time child care to work full time as well as I am not qualified in anything sadly. Which I'm sure will make you look even further down on me allnew.

That's really sad maybe, but I'm sure her DD has a wonderful life with her lovely mum, despite the lack of holidays.

I'm not looking down on anyone Rocklover, merely pointing out that this whole situation was your choice.

If you'd posted saying you were pissed off that ex didn't phone DD, that would have been different. But your post was clearly aimed at the aspect of you having a problem with how much he spends on his holidays, and that you have to do all the travelling (because of the distance you created)

"maybe I didn't think enough about the cons and her dad would prefer me and DP to live nearer to him for convenience" - it's not about his convenience, though, it's about DD. I'm pretty such that any child would prefer to have both parents nearby, rather than 200 miles away. It sounds like your new DPs job was very much more important than your DD's relationship with her father and the difficulties in seeing him more as she grows older

I am not dependent on another man, we are a partnership and decided what was going to work best together. And no, I'm not envious of ex travels and I lived with him in London long enough to know that I hate the city and I'm not interested in that footloose and fancy free lifestyle, I love my kids and I love my life with DP.

I totally understand why you're arguing the case for him allnew, what I don't understand is that you won't look at things from my point of view as well. He was the one who ended the marriage, yet I am the one expected to make all the sacrifices.

I am lucky that I have DD full time I'm sure you'll say (and I'd agree), but to be brutally honest, if ex had full custody he would hate it because it would limit his lifestyle, which is the most important thing in his life.

Quite frankly

I really have been in this situation, but the other way around. DH moved in with me as I was the main earner, but it meant him moving away. As he had moved away from his DD he made the effort to travel for her benefit.

He did try just going up to visit her, but without a base, it was really, really difficult. It meant that he had no time to do the normal things like sit and play together or eat together at home, or have breakfast together. Staying in a hotel wasn't much better, so he did the massive round trip. When his life changed again, as we had children, we moved to be nearer DD.

If this was the other way around and you were the NRP, every one would say YABU. I just don't get why it would be reasonable to expect your DH to travel because you moved and you now will have other children.

"It sounds like your new DPs job was very much more important than your DD's relationship with her father".

That is so very untrue, we have to be able to support DD and make sure she has everything she needs, so actually money is bloody important. I spend WAY more than exh does on her day to day needs and obviously I pay for 100% of the travel.

I don't ever ask exh for anything, he pays me £200 a month and expects me to get everything DD needs with that and I accept that. In fact when we first split up I paid him money because he said he was broke (I was only working PT and he is a teacher - the training for which I also funded when we were married), although I then found out this was to fund his spending money for the 3 week all inclusive holiday to Cuba he'd booked .

All I'm asking is for a bit of give and take sometimes. I shouldn't even be travelling so far this weekend as I had my c-section a few weeks back and I have only just stopped injecting myself with blood thinners. But I am getting my Dad to drive us so that I can get DD up to see her dad for half term. I think that is beyond the call of duty really, but I do it because I love DD and want her to be happy.

babyheave, but I don't expect him travel for every visit, I have made it clear that I am going to be doing the main amount of travelling in this situation. I just don't see why both parents aren't expected to make some kind of effort.

I have talked to DP about moving back nearer to my parents, which will be nearer my exh obviously. But have the added complication that it would mean moving school again for DD, exh has made it clear he wouldn't be happy about that.

YANBU, if he can afford to travel round Europe, he is a teacher with plenty of holiday time and he lives with his mum (I'm guessing that she cooks his meals and does his laundry etc.) then he can afford the money and time to get the train (or coach if cost really is an issue), to see his DD.

,,,and it only costs a few pence to make the occasional phone call too.

I'm sorry, but you cannot be expected to be doing long driving trips with baby, even if you were the one to move away.

He sounds like an arse to me.

I give up rocklover - I'm not arguing the case for him, I'm pointing out that it's futile for you to be angry with him for not bridging a distance which you chose to create. You will only wind yourself up further and further, as you clearly are, getting angry with his holiday arrangements etc.

tbh I can't see your pov because I would never have chosen to take my child 200 miles away from her/his father, I just couldn't do it, as it would be too cruel to the child imo. Better for me maybe, but definitely not better for the child

rocklover, i do have every sympathy with you as you obviously had a difficult choice to make in terms of moving, and i can understand why you're so frustrated... but unfortunately i think legally if you move away you end up liable for doing the transporting... i looked into this a bit when was considering moving a long way from home... we decided not to do it as couldn't face the thought of all the travelling we'd need to do to get ds1 back to see his dad, my exh... but it sounds like the travelling issue is only part of a whole lot of frustrations with your ex and his parenting or lack of it, so perhaps it's time to sit down with him and go through the whole arrangment again to see how it can be improved to make life better for everyone (your dd included!)

Nubbins, sorry I missed your post. So far (apart from a few times due to me being ill in pregnancy) I have always managed to get DD to him when he wants her in the school holidays. I cannot ask him for fuel money as he would not pay it, so I take on the expense myself.

Sorry allnew, but I won't have it said that I have been cruel to my DD, I accept that I have to do most of the travelling, but moving 200 miles away is not a cruel act. Since we split up I have made most of the effort to make sure DD and her dad have had a relationship, whilst he has done as little as possible to contribute. I put up with and took much abuse from this man because I wanted my DD to be happy. I will not accept I am cruel.

Sorry if I have come across as angry in my posts allnew, I guess I am just very frustrated with everything to do with ex, the distance is just an added complication. And having just had a baby my hormones are probably getting the better of me. I will try to be more clear headed.

"but it sounds like the travelling issue is only part of a whole lot of frustrations with your ex and his parenting or lack of it, so perhaps it's time to sit down with him and go through the whole arrangment again to see how it can be improved to make life better for everyone (your dd included!)"

You've hit the nail on the head Mrsravel, as I said, I think that all the post birth hormones are making it difficult to see the wood for the tress and I am not expressing myself very well on here.

Much as I would love to sit down with ex and have that very conversation with him, he would not take kindly to any type of criticism from me and I feel it would just make things worse. He would just find ways to justify what he does/doesn't do and make it out to be all my fault, the same as our whole marriage really.

RockLover , you're obviously in the fortunate position to be the resident parent, just think how you'd feel if the roles were changed : your ex choses to move your child 200 miles away, you obviously expect him to bring her to you for contact, and maybe you'd be difficult too if the move was made with noone asking about your feelings.

If your ex said "I can't bring her to you, I had an operation/a baby/a broken leg", would you not feel that it's his bloody problem and should adhere to his commitment of facilitating contact?

And not that maintenance is relevant, but does your DD really cost more that 400 a month??

xposted OP, will let the baby hormones settle before I pull you up on it again

yup, i know how you feel, my exh has in the past had quite a similar attitude to yours - thinks he is the world's greatest dad and anything i try to say even when just trying to help our son (e.g. please don't let him stay up til midnight because he's then knackered for school) he just flies into a rage and says he'll do what he likes... also lays on the guilt about how infrequently he sees his son, despite the fact that it is HE who has always specified exactly what he does and does not want contact-wise.

things are somewhat better between us now (we split 7 years ago when ds1 was 3) as a result of having a really huge row-to-end-all-rows about 18 months ago when his gf decided she "couldn't cope" with ds1 staying and sent him home in the middle of the night. the row was hideous, but i insisted we met on neutral ground over a glass of wine which helped a lot, there's only so much you can lose your temper sitting in a wine bar... so you may just have to try to take the pain/anguish of really having it out with him, in the hope of at least improving the situation a bit (i realise this is the last thing you want to do when you have a new baby, however)