To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

I'm not making a big deal out of not being a BM. I'm making a big deal about her clearly not bothering about my feelings.

Then why not jsut call her (or send a brief email if you must) saying that you feel that her not asking you to be a BM or to explain why she has not asked you makes you feel hurt. And see what she says - don't just presume that she doesn't give a shit.

I appreciate that you may be struggling because of your mum's illness and therefore making more out of this than there is so maybe emailing would be better. but what you are going to write just makes you sound completely and utterly unreasonable.

Just ask her the question. Why did you not ask me? Am I right that it is because you don't value our friendship as much as I do? Because she may well be shocked and say of COURSE thats not the case, its because of x y or z. That also leads the way open to asking if you could at least come along to the wedding fayre / come along to one of her dress fittings or if there is anything you can do to help. She might also think you don't have time to help her as you are getting married too!

Unless you really don't want her friendship anymore you really really need to back off about this

I think you may have had an inappropriately intense friendship which has clouded youyr judgement. Talking on the phone evveryday is something that 15 yrolds do not adults with jobs and kids-how do you find the time?
Have a look at how other people conduct their friendships-get some perspective.
You do sound like you got stuck in your teens with regard to friendship.
Sorry abouty your mum.
I think you may look back at this in 10 years and cringe.
Dignity.
If you don't want her as a friend/bridesmaid then just tell her. Bringing up stuff from years ago is soooo undignified.

Please don't make assumptions about me and the way I conduct my friendships. We talked all the time when she needed me and when I was a single mum - so yes lots of free time in the evenings to chat.

How can you claim to be this girls friend and therefore somehow 'entitled'to be her bridesmaid when you have such negative nasty feelings towards her. In fact if I was her I would be very wary of you. You are behaving more like a spurned lover than a friend, her past like your past is now history and should be left where it belongs in the past. You are bullying her this should be a happy time for her and just because she isn't running her weddding around you your having a tantrum and spoiling for a fight.

Is a tiny part of you bristling at the fact that her DF is judging you for behaving badly in the past when she behaved (in your opinion) worse and for longer? Does he even know about that?

If it's not about being a bridesmaid then why are you using it as an excuse to fall out with her? Infact, you can't stop mentioning it. You need to accept that she has chosen her dp's opinions of you. He
might not know of her past but that's nothing to do with you. She's done everything right going the extra mile for you and your wedding. She's tried to contact you twice. I doubt if you will hear from her again. It's your loss.

I had a friend like you many years ago. I changed my number (thank God no FB back then) and kept my head down for a year to avoid all the emotional blackmail and utter possessiveness over me. I felt like an unfaithful lover with a jealous ex. This thread has touched a nerve for me. She would also say "it's not about X" when it obviously was

I really hope she never contacts you again for both your sakes, it sounds unhealthy and stifling - just leave her alone.

I'm afraid I agree with Scarlett.

I have to say I find the focus on bridesmaids and wedding planning all a bit consumerist for my liking but that is just my personal opinion. At a level I could understand your upset but then you posted that email.

Friendships change.

Your draft email may have been drafted in the heat of the moment - is very abusive IMO.

And I think it is out of order to use your mothers illness as an excuse for your behaviour. I speak from experience of close family members having cancer.

I also noticed something you said in your OP

"At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!"

Who on earth is exactly the same person they were at University? You seem to begrudge her changing and moving on which is actually very common and quite natural when you meet someone and settle down. Your attitude toward her really is critical and unhealthy. It's like you don't want to be her friend for friendships sake you just want to control her. Weird.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum, I hope she makes a full recovery.

You say you feel somewhat childish and can't help that.

You are 30.

I'm not sure you really understand what it means to be emotionally "mature".
This is unfortunately masked to some degree by your obvious intelligence and prolixity/lucidity, and I sense physical attractiveness.

I do think you would benefit by having a long talk with someone about what it really means to mature emotionally.

Part of that, painfully for you, involves not always getting what you feel you deserve.

Agree with scarlett too - i think it speaks volumes that you would rather compose an email like that rather than just pick up the phone and ask her about the BM thing. You don't sound like you value her tbh.

People change at different times - nothing wrong with that. But friedns don't judge each other for changing.

Scarlett you obviusly have issues with control and posessiveness. These are not things that have ever entered into any of my friendships.

Kiwi you are a total and utter cunt saying I am using mother's illness as an excuse for my behaviour. I said it may be making be over-emotional did I not?? Anyway, what behaviour?? I haven't actually done anything except 'miss' one phonecall.

Some of you seem to think I need telling how I feel or what I think. I know exactley how I feel and what I think. I'm certainly not spoiling for a fight or want to lose my friend. Which is the reasob why I have done absolutley nothing about the situation.

I din't ask you to judge my friend. I didn't ask you to judge me.

I came on here to get some advice on how to deal with the way that I am feeling. I'm not saying the way I feel is right - but it is the way I feel. And I thought some of you might be able to help me find a solution.

I am offended on kiwis behalf , that comment was uncalled for IMO

There is only one solution - pick up the phone and talk to her.

Oh I missed the comment about Kiwi - that was uncalled for. You brought your mum's illness into this which wasn't an issue when you started this thread over 2 weeks ago - if you were really that concerned about not losing your friend you would have talked to her by now imo.

No Kiwi was being a total cunt. I am not using my mother's illness as an excuse for anything. She is wrong and it was a cuntish thing to say.

Auntie - but why has't she rang me???

You are in total denial if you can't see how controlling you are being. Read back through your own posts.

All this passive aggressiveness - coming off FB, avoiding her calls, composing emails with implicit threats of her past. Let her enjoy her wedding planning in peace. It's her day. She is not obliged to make you a BM. I am not surprised her DP isn't keen on you.

OP I remember this thread a while ago!Haven't read the whole thing but did see the 'email' part.
I don't think you're nasty I just think you're hurting.
Mentioning an STD is completely irrelevent(understatement)like you're trying to score one over her and would make you seem very childish OP.
You mention that you live 3 hours from your 'friend'.Bearing in mind the huge distance apart do you not think that the other future bridesmaids are more of her 'best' friends than you are(hate the term best friend feels like I'm in a playground)?
I mean I grew up 2hrs away from London and I had some very good friends and I'm still in touch but now I have other good friends in my current city iyswim..
Is she still going to be your bridesmaid?
Anyway I think you owe it to her to explain yourself.
Also you need to get this off your chest.
Please don't send a nasty email instead why not explain to her how you wanted her to be your bridesmaid as she means the world to you and that you're puzzled why you're not being hers.
There's no harm in asking.It might open up a can of worms but what's the worst that can happen?If it turns horrible then it proves to you that this 'friendship' has run it's course.
She might not even like you anyway and is only helping with your wedding because she feels obliged.
So by asking her might do both of you a favour(in a weird way).

No - but friend knows about mum now. And hasn't made any effort to contact me.

I am saying it may be making me over-emotional and irrational. Which is why i HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO HER OR SENT THE EMAIL!!! I'm not acting on the way I feel!

I'm venting elsewhere

Crime??

Thankyou Jimmy - useful advice.

Scarlett - please explain carefully (with refernces) how I have been controlling in any way??

OK Catintheboots I found the email offensive. I do not like the way you have brought in your mum's illness into an issue about whether you are a bridesmaid through your posts, and I wrote as someone who has had close family members and friends with cancer.
That is my opinion, by all means disagree with my opinion but there is no need to throw some verbal abuse at me.

Oh and for your interest - her DP does know all about her wild past. So please don't make accusations that I am being threaening in any way.

I've admitted that bit of my draft email sounds nasty. But that wasn't the intention - it was to remind her that I didn't abandon her during her wild days, or judge her for them.

Kiwi I haven't brought my mums illness into whether or not I am a bridesmaid. How could the two be possibly connected?

I simply said it may be making me over-emotional and irrational did I not???

Which is why I am seeking advice for clear-headed people. I am not seeking judgement.

*from not for