To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

You have stewed on this and decided what she is thinking without speaking to her.
Takes two to have a conversation. You should talk to her at least before giving her the sack.

catinboots I had some sympathy for your predicament until I read the email you were possibly sending to your friend. What a nasty piece of work you are frankly I wouldn't want you anywhere near the wedding if I was you soon to be ex friend she is probably well aware of how far down you are prepared to go. It is obvious you are just itching for a dramatic climatic showdown you are clearly a person who stores away others dirty little secrets to use against them when you feel the need to do so. What a backstabber!

Don't send it. Just leave it with dignity, she knows why you're upset and if she doesn't deal with that, her problem. I've sent emails before and regretted it. It's so much better to have conversations about these things, I know it's hard, but giving her a call and saying why your upset will be better in the long run.

Sorry about your mum. I hope she will be ok.

Don't send the email! It makes you sound like a very needy 12 year old.

What an utterly despicable thing to send someone.

I would never want any contact with you again after that. If that's the desired effect, send it, on your head be it.

I've been dipping in and out of this thread. OP I am very sorry about your Mother and hope she recovers soon.

I hope just writing that email got it out of your system and you don't send it, that is one hell of a nasty email! Sounds like you are ranting and raving and maybe getting out some of the feelings caused by your Mum's illness

If this is really bothering you, you have two options. You either call her up and sort it out, or you call her up and tell her you can't be friends with her anymore. Either way you will be acting 30 and being respectful

Don't send that email. It makes u sound like a bunny boiler.

i'm really sorry to hear about your mum, cat, but i'm afraid that your email is a terrible idea. no-one would ever want to be friends with someone who would send that.

if it is a resolution you seek, you must speak to her. if not, have some dignity fgs and tell her you don't need her as a bridesmaid any more and just leave her be.

Ive just spent thirty mins reading this thread and I was sympathetic until I got to the email bit. WTF are you on??? I think you have destroyed the friendship anyway tbh.

She didnt ask you to be a bridesmaid probably because her DP isnt keen on you, which you already knew. You ask her to be yours and she does so much to help you organise your wedding (like a friend would) even with the three hour journey between homes and, yet you still consider debridesmaiding her? Then you disappear (sorry about your mum) and ignore her phonecalls, take yourself off facebook so she emails your sister to ask if you are ok? what a nice girl she seems!! and you, I think need to accept that relationships change over the years and grow up......

Im sorry but I think you have lost this friendship for good.

bottom line is that you seem to think that she should choose between your enjoyment of her wedding day and her df's... if he doesn't like you, doesn't he get a legitimate veto?

I wouldn't send the email. For 1 thing I think things written down are far harder to heal than words said if that makes sense.

Perhaps try and not focus on this for a while?
It does sound like her dp is behind the choosing of the bridesmaids and I can't help but wonder if he has pressed for his friend to take up the last position rather than you.

She is in an awkward spot. Fwiw my dh's friend didn't invite either my dh or myself to his wedding. we married in the same month and we had already invited friend plus wife to be to our wedding. Anyway when it came out it was friend's wife who dislike my dh and myself and didn't want us at their wedding. My dh is still good friends with his pal, and his friend has expressed regret over it all many times.
When ever friend and wife have invited us out I am always reluctant to go. Quite odd behaviour really!

At the end of the day you will make other true friends so try and be the better person.

Print the email out, put it in an envelope and then either burn it or rip it up(to be honest it makes you sound needy , very unattractive )but burning or ripping is very cathartic.

However after reading all the venom in it I am guessing your friend KNOWS you better than you think she does and would be grateful to not have to be your friend. It seems she is a friend purely on your history.............then -you both- she grew up and moved on with life. She maybe only agreed to be your bridesmaid because she felt uncomfortable saying no....

oops should read then you both she grew up

Honestly if you send that email you will never hear from her again. The email makes you sound unhinged it really does.

It's ok to be upset and hurt that you don't mean as much to her as she does to you. Been there, makes you feel shite but powder walk away with a bit of dignity.

You want to know if you would be a cunt to send it?

Yes you would.

You are really hurting and upset from your mum and this is the perfect excuse to take it out on someone else.

Don't.

Do not contact your friend again. If she doesn't contact you by the end of the month then you know she is not your friend or doesn't consider you hers any longer.

Just get on with your life, be there for your mum and family with dignity.

And THIS all comes from not being asked as a bridesmaid? Are you for real?????

Why does anyone have to give any sort of explanations for choosing one person and not other as a bridesmaid in her own wedding?

What the hell were you on when you wrote that arrogant, patronizing, despicable parody of a letter? For goodness sake, I already thought you sounded like a drama queen on your first post... but this is beyond unhinged.

Yes, by all means, do send the letter. It will show your "friend" your real colors and give her the best reason ever to not contact you again.

PS I am sorry for your mum's illness... but it just amazes me even more than, having something really important in your life to worry about, you are still going on about the BM's bullshit.

Im really sorry to hear about your mum. That must be terrible news to you, but - I lost my dad when he was 33 to cancer, and grief does cloud your judgement.

I think you are also grieving what you feel is the end of this friendship and that perceived grief is making you write such bitter things. Dont send the letter if you EVER want a way back from this.

Keep the letter. Read it in a week in the cold light of day. If you still feel its what you want to do then, send it.

(I dont think you are a bunny boiler either. Just hurt)

I really sympathize with how hurt you are feeling.
It's such a shock to realize that you saw the friendship so differently from your friend. Her DP may be behind it, or it may be all her. But it does hurt.

But don't send that email. All your hurt and bitterness shows very clearly, and I think in writing it, you've clarified in your mind why you're so upset. But SHE won't get that, because she won't be able to get past the bits of her past you've brought up that she surely would like to forget about. She'll focus on that and won't be able to take in anything else, so the point of your email will have been lost.

I'd sit on it and see if she makes an effort to get in contact. If you really do usually speak very often, then not speaking for a week will be unusual and uncomfortable for her, wouldn't it? If she just lets it go... then you have an answer, don't you?

I'd still want to talk to her and see what she says. But I mean talk, not send an email that will shut down all communication.

I'm so sorry your mum is ill, what a worrying time for your family.

That's a very manipulative and emotionally blackmailing email.

It will certainly end the friendship for ever.

If that is your aim, then send it.

If you have any friends in common, be prepared to lose them too.

Do what you must.

Just to be clear, I haven't sent this email and will not do so if friend contacts me.But she hasn't really tried. My sister was very very nice to her in her reply and merely mentioned that the BM issue may be a factor.

I just needed to get it down and out of my my head. Okay maybe I shouldn't mention her past indiscretions - I can see how that looks nasty. But I just wanted to highlight how I was there for her in her rocky times. She on the otherhand, abandoned me in mine and appears to still be holding them against me.

This really isn't about being a BM or not, which some of you don't seem to understand. I think the whole situation is a symptom of a very unhealthy friendship.

If she doen't bother contacting me and I do send some sort of letter/email in a few weeks time then yes i do know that will be the end of our friendship. But if she doesn't care enough to even try and contact me then surely the friendship is over anyway?

I didn't want much from her. I didn't want to be a BM. I didn't want her to choose me over her DF. I just wanted her to attempt to spare my feelings and maybe tell m a little white lie.. Oh Cat I'm only haveing 4 bridemaids because:
-I can't afford anymore
-I thought it would be difficult fot you with DS2
-I want an even number!
-My mum doen't believe in maried bridesmaids
etc etc

It really wouldn't have been that hard. Which makes mt think she wanted this situation to come about. A sort of easy way of 'getting out' of being friends with me.

Also knowing my mum is ill - any other of my good friends would realise that I may be a little over-sensitive and irrational at the moment. But they wouldn't ignore me for three weeks..

This really isn't about being a BM or not, which some of you don't seem to understand
And yet you keep making such a big deal about it...

I totally understand your reasons, but still think you should not send the email. If you do, you lose any moral high ground that you currently have. You also risk her forwarding the email, or parts of it, to other people in spite that will then think ill of you. If you are going to email, all you should say is that you are hurt not to have been given the reason why you are not a BM and leave it at that.

If the friendship is over anyway, the best you can do is leave with your dignity intact! This is not about her, but for a version of you in the future looking back on this all.

But she HAS tried to contact you! YOU ignored her call and then came off facebook so she couldn't contact you through that. If you usually speak every day then she will know that something is wrong and in her position I would have done exactly what she has which is contact your sister.

I am sorry but I just don't get your perspective that your friendship means nothing to her. You speak on the phone daily and she has been a great support to you in organising your wedding despite living 3 hours away. This is not the actions of someone who does not value your friendship.

Yes things may have changed over time but it sounds like the 2 of you have been through a lot together and that you have both changed as people. So it is hardly surprising that the freidnship has changed over time. Friendships are also not always 100% equal and it doens't mean that the friendship is not valuable to both of you.

I am truely sorry about your mum. I also am sorry that you are upset about your friend. But you are making all of this into a mush bigger thing than it needs to be.

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Your friend has quite possibly got all manner of issues surrounding her choice of bridesmaids including her dh's wishes which quite frankly for his own wedding trump any hurt feelings on your part. She doesn't have to justify her choices to you.

If you want to make this into something its not and lose a good friend then you go for it and send that really bitchy bitter email. It will make you a cunt, yes. Be prepared to lose this friendship forever and quite possibly any mutual friends into the bargain. Words written down can NEVER be taken back.

If you are really so childish that you can't be bothered to TALK to her about how you are feeling to try and get her perspective on it then just drop it. She knows from your sister why you are hurt and if she doesn't contact you then maybe you are right about her views on you. But there is no need to spew out so much nastiness as there is in your email imho, and I don't think after sending it you will feel any better