To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

You are on a AIBU thread.Sorry OP but you will be judged.
Anyway I think you should send her a message today.Get it over and done with.Just don't be nasty.
Keep it short and sweet.
Good luck

Wow you really don't see it.

I am not going to explain "carefully" "with references" as I am not spending any more time on this thread as you have no insight into your behavior after over 200 posts so it would be a waste of time.

A bit of advice. I think you need to move on with your own life and forget about her, focus on your own impending wedding plans.

One of the main issues here is that by not being asked to be BM you seem to feel you are not getting the status and attention you somehow deserve at your friends wedding. You supported her in the past so what thats what friends do what do you want a medal! You are now preparing to hurt her as much as you can and possibly if you try very very hard to damage your friends realatonship with here husband to be with your revelations. Has it ever occurred to you that he is not marrying her because he thinks she is Snow White but because he loves the person she has now become. I think you are a destructive force in her life and she really needs to run as fast as she can away from you.

Cat you poor thing. You have had a really horrid time.
I totally understand how youbmust be feeling and how hard it is for you.
She knows now too and may well pull out of being your BM herself.

Friendship isvweird- in the end you have to decide if she gives you enough for you to enjoy your friendship despite the issues.

Many friendsvare incapable of givingbas much as we want but the bits they do give are important enough to holdvon to.

Leave it, don't send the email.

Give yourself time.
And take care

You are not yourself. I say this from having been in your position, both of my parents have been very ill. It makes your fuse about a tenth of its normal level, it makes you very very angry.

If you send this email you will have done something unforgiveable. Don't do it. Just trust me, and don't.

For all your saying it's not about the bridesmaid issue, it is. There may be an element of straws and camels' backs here, but ultimately, take that away and the situation doesn't exist.

You know your friend's DP doesn't like you. You don't know how much shit she may have taken over the years to keep her friendship with you going in spite of that. She may be unsure of what to do at the moment, and she may think that keeping her distance is what you want.

You say a face-to-face is out of the question. I would argue that until it is possible, you shouldn't make any rash decisions. You have been in each other's lives too long for anything less.

Beesimo What?????????

How am I threatening her relationship. Her DP knows everthing about her past! He knows sh was a real wild child, he knows about the herpes. He knows how depressed she was when she first moved away.

Same as my DP knows everyhing about me!

IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING A FUCKING BRIDESMAID FOR FUCKS SAKE

It's about her bein polite enought to explain why she hasn't asked me. Is that really so much to ask??? If I was only picking three of my four closest friends I would have a good reason/excuse on hand to make ure I didn't hurt the excluded ones feelings.

Fuck me, I'm not asking for much am I??

shit typing sorry

No need for swearing OP.Go for a run or something.You need to let of steam.
You need to get this off your chest.Speak to your friend otherwise you're going to make yourself crazy with anger.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. :(

I think you can't have the friend as a bridesmaid now, it's not appropriate. It's not so much what she has done now, but you feel how you feel and I don't see how seeing her up there with you on your day is going to enhance the day for you. That said, I don't know how best for you to handle it.

In your friend's defence, since she knows she has upset you and in light of the situation with your mum, she may be staying away because she doesn't think she will be viewed as a good support for you. She's damned if she does contact you, she's damned if she doesn't. I think if I was her, I would probably have done something that wouldn't have forced you into direct and confrontational contact. Perhaps email, maybe sent you flowers to say I was thinking about you, something like that, but I do understand why she has backed off.

Do not send that horrid email though, no matter how you feel. As someone up thread said (sorry, can't remember who), be prepared to not only kiss goodbye to her, but any mutual friends you have. Oh, and your dignity in the process.

I completely understand why you are so hurt, I would be as well. The BM thing is symbolic, I agree, it is not the core issue. But often these underlying problems are only brought to the surface by small incidences, sometimes it's something to be ultimately grateful for. You need to decide whether this is something that ends the friendship, or just something that makes you reassess it.

I would email now, start by apologising for missing her call and that you haven't been in touch. Admit that, yes, you are upset about the bridesmaid thing and that while you don't think she is obligated to ask you, you would've appreciated a conversation about it, given the circumstances. Keep it very short and open for her reply. Don't say that you don't want her as a bridesmaid, just wait for her response before going in with that.

I don't think you're a horrible person, I think you're a hurt person and with that email, you are striking out (understandably) but just DO NOT SEND IT. You can't take it back.

You CAN'T have this friend as a bridesmaid now.

Keep her as a friend but NOT a bridesmaid.

Your bridsmaid is your MOST special friend - and you clearly are NOT hers!

You expect your friend to be polite, fair enough but your posts come across as though you are far from polite, why would you want to remind someone that they herpes / casual sex when they are about to get married or try justify such a comment by saying that her DH knows all about your friend anyway. The draft email does not sound nasty it is nasty. Also you wanting your friend to grovel is nasty and indicates that you seek some sort of power/ controll in the relationship. Now this is just my opinion, please do not jump down my throat.

I think people realise there are extenuating circumstances. Perhaps you normally don't process you thoughts in this way. You have bigger things on your plate. But..... I hope you get insight into how your posts are coming across and take responsibility for your part in the relationship.

I don't think you know the reasoning of your friend as you are not engaging with her. For example, she might not even want to bother you with talk of being a bridesmaid as she may think it is too frivolous considering what you have to deal with at the moment? You might have used the kind of language on her directed towards her in the past and she may not want any of it. She may actually know that you are stressed and not want to add more stress to your life.

We simply do not know.

I'm leaving the thread. I hope you get some help.

I'm not saying the way I feel is right

Oh, I think that is precisely the problem.

jimmy and hide - thankyou so much for giving me some sane advice to think about.

I've been turning myself inside out over this

Off to Shred now then going for Sunday lunch with the Dss and my parents.

Why do you say she hasn't tried to get in touch with you, when you have told us she rang and you ignored and you spat your dummy out and came off facebook, thus denying her of the chance to find out how you are? I'm sorry but I doubt you deserve to have this poor girl as a friend anymore. I don't know what you want from her.

Kiwi and cumfy - yes maybe did write a nasty email. Because I felt hurt and I felt like being nasty.

But I didn't send it. Because I'm not nasty. And I know I'm probably not being very rational at the moment.

Are your thoughts towards people who have upset you totally pure at all times?? Do you never get angry inside.

Please remember I have not done anything horrible to my friend. I didn't want to upset or challenge her - which is why I came on here for advice in the original post. I drafted the angry email because I am upset she hasn't really tried to contact me.

shred ?

Could someone translate please ? Thx.

It's an exercise dvd

You're welcome OP.
Are you doing the Jillian Micheals Shred?If so it's amazing.
Have a lovely lunch.

You are trying to punish her for the crime of putting other friends before you. If you read back it is obvious to most of us what you are about and I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and grow up we don't own other people.

The OP is hurt and angry!! - quite understandably. So take that on board people - before jumping on her.

Bloody Hell.

Are your thoughts towards people who have upset you totally pure at all times?? Do you never get angry inside.

Sorry, I probably wasn't 100% clear.

What I meant was, the problem is you do think you are right to feel the way you do.

You come across to me as feeling supremely entitled to feel exactly the way you do.

Beesimo-OP is feeling let down.She hasn't actually been horrible to her friend.She might have 'missed' her call but anyone can miss someones call.

Again, "she hasn't really tried to contact me" why did you tell us she had then. Twice.

I think people tend to vent more anonymously on fora than they do in real life. The OP is justifiably hurt and angry, and is reacting in a way she feels unable to in RL - saying exactly what she thinks. She is not communicating with her friend in RL, which is the crux of the problem.

Yep Gillian - I love her!

Beesimo - are you stupid? How have I punished her? I haven't done anything.

Kitty - she called me on my mobile the day after I told her my mum was ill. I didn't answer. I miss calls all the time due to work etc. Friend would normally try again. Several times.

She emailed my sister over a week later and said she was worried about me. Sorry, but if I was worried about her I would have sent her a work email (we email all the time) or a text or tried to ring again.

Nothing. That is why I am angry. Hence writing he draft email which will most probably never be sent