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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

393 replies

catinboots · 17/02/2011 09:46

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

OP posts:
Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 20:51

aitch - I know i need to talk to her about it in a grown-up and pleasant manner. But I'm goingto find it hard. Please don't all attack me because I'm finding this hard.

We all struggle with different things. And this is something that has hit me hard - maybe hardre than it would someone else. But does that really make me such a bad person??

OP posts:
fit2drop · 06/03/2011 20:54

beesimo the reason this has been left festering is because I have been preoccupied with other things thus not had time to resolve the situation

Hmmm I agree you have been preoccupied but surely the time spent on here, reading and quoting and replying could hav been spent on a phonecall to your friend?
Its been alost three weeks since the first post so surely your initial anger/upset had diminished and you have got a better handle on it yes? no? thought not, you are feeding a festering wound. Maybe your friend is refusing to do the same . As I said in a previous post, she probably had the measure of you years ago, was grateful of the distance between you, agreed to be your BM because she is too nice to say no.... but is far too honest about her friendships to ask you.
She rang you, If you genuinely cared about her you would be calling her to see what the problem is, not sniping on here trying to get others to agree she is in the wrong

Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 20:54

I just wish the whole situation didn't exist and had never come about. I hate confrontation but I can't bury my hurt.

OP posts:
kittya · 06/03/2011 20:55

she did contact you. TWICE. I dont understand how you cant see that and how you should have replied to her/took her call. I think trying twice is enough. The coming off facebook wouldve done it for me.

Of course its too late now. You should just get on with planning your wedding.

I hope you havent left that poor girl dangling in the air not knowing if she is your bridesmaid or not Sad

AitchTwoOh · 06/03/2011 20:57

being upset doesn't make you a bad person, no. writing an email like that, regardless of sending it or not, casts you in a hugely bad light, as does swearing at people who disagree with you on your aibu thread.

do you want her as your bridesmaid?

can't you just phone her and apologise for not having been in touch, say that there has been a lot going on and it made you reluctant to speak to her because you wanted to ask why you weren't chosen to be bm but... you have been scared to hear what the answer might be? you have a lot to deal with at the moment, going underground on another tricky situ is quite understandable. but you have to really believe that you can have her as your bm and LOVE her being there, and then on her big day you will LOVE being there for her as well, albeit not on the main stage.

cos if you can't 'own' that then you have different, bigger decisions to make, such as her remaining your bm and you attending her wedding.

fit2drop · 06/03/2011 20:57

I posted that ^^^ whilst the posts above it were being posted.

CAT jut ring her!!! Do it now, its causing you so much stress and heartache.....just do it!!!

Its no biggy....and it certainly isnt going to break whats already possibly broken but (who knows) it just could mend it .

peace

Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 20:58

fit2drop - I only re-adressed this situation on here 24hrs ago. The measure of me?? The measure of me?? What's that then oh wise one? Am I really such an awful, terrible, wicked person for feeling hurt about this?

I'm not sniping. I've been asking for advice. Of which I have had lots.

OP posts:
beesimo · 06/03/2011 21:00

I think my saying to you to give it a rest ect was the most constructive advice to give you. You are tying yourself in knots over this at the end of the day the only person who you have any real control over is yourself. For your own sake let it go. I was dipping in and out in the hope you would of resolved it by now you are upsetting yourself far more than anyone else is upsetting you. You are attributing all sorts of motivations to others when in fact you have been unwilling to speak directly to your friend. You are winding yourself up.

AitchTwoOh · 06/03/2011 21:01

then man up, soldier, and pick up the phone. 9pm on a sunday night is the perfect time. hurry up and do it.

Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 21:04

Aitch - you're right. I need to get some balls and do it. I've always been a bit of an ostrich. Which I know from past experiences makes things worse.

Bee - you are also right. I'm tying myself up in knots. I know people are giving me all the right advice but I don't feel strong enough to take it so I try to argue with them

Sad Sad

OP posts:
kittya · 06/03/2011 21:06

I think its the perfect time for me to go and run a bath and pour a glass of wine.

This going around in circles is doing my head in, I would hate to be living it. Either pick up the phone right now or get on with living your life. Dont be surprised though if her df answers in and says she's not in or, that she doesnt want to speak to you.

I really think it is unhealthy for you to be as upset three weeks down the line. Seriously, you need to find a way to deal with that.

Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 21:09

Thanks for the useful imput kittya

I know I'm doing my own head in. But hey we can't all be perfect.

How ridiculous of me me to be upset for three whole weeks Confused

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 06/03/2011 21:13

stop bickering with people who are trying to give you advice, cat, and go and phone yer pal. we know displacement activity when we see it... Wink

apol for being a nob-end, tell her how your mum is, tell her how you were scared to ask but have to ask...

Bettyspencer · 06/03/2011 21:16

Haven't had time to read whole thread, but totally understand your hurt.

I wouldn't cut her out and wouldn't tell her you're hurt. There could be loads of reasons why she's asked other two friends and not you. Could you raise it in a jokey way (so I wasn't good enough then?)

Enjoy both your weddings and see how your friendship progresses from there.

noddyholder · 06/03/2011 21:21

You are making a meal of this

fit2drop · 06/03/2011 21:23

Cat I think you deliberately missed my second post there and are choosing who to be passive with and who to be aggressive with , considering you are reacting with opposite reactions to people with the same advise...

Seems to me you like a tussle

took a while but I know when to call it a day even if you don't

I hope you get the result you want, I wish you strength and peace for the future and a happy wedding day and marriage

peace

AitchTwoOh · 06/03/2011 21:26

she's on the phone now... i can feel it. [jedi] [more in hope than anticipation]

Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 21:28

I only just saw your second post.

I hate confrontation. Hence this problem.

Your last post was pleasant. The previous one wasn't.

Please understand my reactions are natural and not calculated.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 06/03/2011 21:29

gerramoveon, it's half-past.

Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 21:31

Aitch I am going to phone her now

OP posts:
Original poster
catinboots · 06/03/2011 21:31

Aitch I am going to phone her now

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 06/03/2011 21:33

Gosh haven't got time to read all the posts, but wanted to say YANBU.

My advice would be don't drop her from being a bridesmaid - that would look petty - but decrease the input she has on your day.

Also . . . this is hard to put tactfully so forgive me as have had three-quarters of a bottle of wine . . . being asked to take a large part in someone else's wedding arrangements is not equal to winning the lottery, you know. It's actually a pain in the arse. She may well be paying you a large compliment by not saddling you with all the hassle.

AitchTwoOh · 06/03/2011 21:39

good luck! i hope it all works out and this turns out to have been a waste of your mental energy. Smile like balloonslayer says, being a bridesmaid is a total pita anyway. Wink

RevoltingPeasant · 06/03/2011 21:43

Cat have you phoned her???

CelebratedMonkey · 06/03/2011 22:16

Hope the phone call went well