To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

Please do not send any email, speak to her, this could all be a huge misunderstanding.

Again please DO NOT EMAIL HER, SPEAK TO HER

Take Needanewnames advice. DO NOT SEND THE EMAIL things written down are much harder to heal than words spoken, trust me.

I have cut a relative out of my and my families life because they sent a text and then an email to my dh.

Text/call (only call if you can stay composed!) and tell your friend you are feeling down about your mum. Asdk her to meet you (without her oh) tell her you are upset about your mum and that things are getting on top of you. Tell her you are a bit put out that she hasn't confided in you as to why she didn't choose you, but you want to remain friends.

She may be unsure about contacting you because serious illness scares people, sometimes they fear saying the wrong thing so choose to say nothing at all.
Clear the air with her and remind her that she can confide in you, you would prefer that to all the underhanded way she has been. But don't call her underhand!!! Try and think of another word!

Good luck.

iscream that letter is still way too full on and will probably end the friendship.

I like ensures letter - short, sweet and to the point. I'd probably add in a little more though - how about something like this:

"I know you have been in touch with my sister as you are concerned about me. The fact is that I am very upset not to be asked to play a part in your wedding and I am struggling with how it has made me feel about our relationship. As you know, I am also very upset about mum, so its hard to know if I am overreacting about this. What would be really nice is if we could meet up to talk through all of this in order that there are no silly misunderstandings"

That way she knows:
a) That you are upset about not being asked to be her bridesmaid
b) That this is not necessarily the whole story
c) That your upset about your mum may be affecting how you are acting and thinking at the moment (because however valid your feelings about your friend are this might well be affecting you more than you think)
d) Hopefully that she can talk to you honestly about how she is feeling too because if you go off on one and accuse her of not wanting to be your friend she is likely to just get defensive.
e) That you still want to be friends (and I presume you do since you have said that you love her)

Also if the worst happens and your friendship does end as a result of this then you have your dignity intact and you have written nothing down that could make mutual friends see you in an unpleasant light.

It may be better to ask to meet in a couple of weeks when you are feeling less emotional although if you live 3 hours apart this will probably happen anyway.

I really hope you can sort this out since to me there is nothing that you have written about your friend that leads me to believe that she doesn't care about you - quite the opposite in fact - and when you are going through a tough time you need your friends.

YellowDinosaur,
I didn't write that letter, it was OP
s letter, I just cut a lot of what she had in it out, for the same reasons you mention.

YellowDinosaur

Every one of your posts makes compassionate and adult sense. OP would do well to read them again and take heed of your thoughful and reasoned advise.
Though I didn't realise how old the original thread was I feel that OP would have sorted this out by now one way or another if she had wanted to.

To all of you who think I just want people to agree with me and am not listening to advice - well you are wrong.

A lot of people have given me very sage advice and a lot to think about. I haven't acted on the way I feel. I asked for your opinions, you gave them and I agree IABU with regards to the email (or certainly parts of it).

Yellow - I asked the question if I would be a cunt to send it. People saying I would, is not what has angered me. I've been stunned that people are telling me how I think, what I feel and what kind of person I am. Posessive and controlling?? really? For asking advice on a situation which has made me feel shit - and all started out with me not wanting to upset my friend.

Mishy - there is deffo no practical reason I couldn't be a BM. I won't bore you with the details but I know the other BMs.

With regards to me not returning her call, yes the emphasis is on call and not calls - I had just found out about my mum the previous day and didn't really want to talk to anyone.

I was also in the initial stages of this BM situation and didn't know what to do or say. It was when I first posted on here. I didn't want to challenge her or upset her because it's her wedding and she can do what the hell she likes. I've never questioned her right to pick who she wants as BMs. I just didn't know how to deal with my feelings and needed a little time to get my head round it.

Why didn't she try again? I would if it was me? And I know she normally would.

Kittya - again fuck of with your nasty aspersions. I reguarly come off FB for a bit of a break, so this is not totally out of character or 'passive aggressive' as someone said.

thierry - you say she owes me nothing? No reason? No friendly explanation? So people aren't supposed to consider their friend's feelings? Do you actually have any friends??

Also, yellow - your letter seems a better starting point than mine

You are sounding a bit like the sort of person you wouldn't want as a bridemaid tbh.You need to chill.She is a friend but freindship is not about owing etc

Noddy I've never said anything about her owing me anything. Courtesy is all I really want. Surely that is a basic in a friendship?

Cat - good call!!

Maybe it just never occurred to her?I have lots of good friends but wouldn't consider all of them for a bridesmaid if I was getting married.Unless you have a child hood pact promising to be each others I think you are reading too much into it.She tried to ring you but you didn't reply and then de regged from facebook. If I was her I would think Ok I get the message!

yabu

"It's about her bein polite enought to explain why she hasn't asked me. Is that really so much to ask??? "

but you haven't asked, have you?

if you were my friend i would find this blanking behaviour tiresome and just wouldn't indulge you in it. seems to me she called you, you didn't ring back, she buzzed your sister and got the clear message back that you had been bitching about her... so... you've fallen out. she's not your bridesmaid and you're not hers. i hope that makes you happy, tbh, that you lost a friend over something so stupid as a wedding party.

Language.....

Well if it was me I wouldn't put my friend in the awkward situation that she had to ask.

I'd be upfront and give her an explanation to prevent this sort of situation arising.

Talking to my sister about my feelings = bitching does it??

catinboots I have been dipping in and out of this thread to see how you have resolved this on going saga. You started this thread on 17th Feb its now 6th March from what you say you have other more pressing matters to deal with your own wedding and the sad news of Mums illness and I am sure your friend has her own life to get on with too. Has the time now come to give it a rest and remove your head from up your backside.

yes, kinda re bitching... because... and i can't really believe that this is something that you haven't embraced yet... you should have Spoken To Her.

you can't have it all ways. she is YOUR bridesmaid, so presumably she is one of the best friends you have ever made. so you owe it to her to be honest with her, not go yakking behind her back. you want her to show you a courtesy that you are not prepared to show her, it's quite strange to me that you can't see that.

you are not at all upfront, surely you can see that?

beesimo the reason this has been left festering is because I have been preoccupied with other things thus not had time to resolve the situation.

You really are quite unpleasant to keep 'dipping' in just to make another spiteful jibe to someone who is clearly upset and distressed

If you have nothing constructive to say then lay off with the insults. Please.

so what ARE you going to do then?

is she still your bridesmaid?

why are you still upset and distressed all these weeks later?

Of course I have friends, but then again I don't feel that I need them to explain their behaviour or decisions to me.

You are wallowing in your own self pity and to be honest you're being pathetic, grow up. Either deal with it or get over it.

aitch - if you read the start of the thread I didn't want to talk to her about it as know it is up to her what she does re her wedding. I know she doesn't have to choose me as a BM. SHe is entitled to do as she pleases. I have no problem with that.

I am just upset she doesn't feel she needs to address it with me. I am upset and confused about the way I feel. And I want advice on how is the best way to resolve this situation without causing hurt and heartache to either of us.

The draft email was a vent which in hindsight I can see seems very spitful and nasty.

kittya - I am upset and distressed because i have stupidly left it to fester. Now she hasn't contacted me and the situation seems worse.

but this was all weeks ago, surely you are nearer knowing what to do now?

we ALL know she's entitled not to have you as her bm, that ship sailed a long time ago.

what are YOU going to do about the fact that she is YOUR bm, you haven't spoken to each other in weeks and she thinks (thanks to your sister) that you are upset with her over something that you acknowledge that you have no right to be.

btw this is why i can't stand weddings.