To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

cat - i can see exactly why you feel hurt. realising that you are not as important to somebody as they are to you is horrible. so yes, i can see why you feel like an idiot over the bridesmaid issue. but, there is no point in attacking her for her feelings. it's like me trying to force george clooney to love me. not his fault he doesn't know what he's missing

don't send the email, but do something that will make your wedding day happy. what will it be like if she isn't there in any capacity? can you find closure if that happens? would it help to ring her and tell her you feel hurt about things, and you feel that your friendship should become a memory? a bit like 'staying friends' with an ex is sometimes not a great idea. that way you have a healthy resolution.

send her an email or a letter, a nice one, saying you wish her well, but you feel you need to draw a line under your friendship. say you are sure she wil understand, but you would like to withdraw the bridesmaid offer, and send her a lovely present when she get's married but DON'T go. Leave with dignity.

Cunfy - I don't think I'm right to feel so angry. Which is why I have't acted on it.

However, I don't think I'm unreasonable to expect one of my oldest and dearest frinds to not want to hurt my feelings (ie - by giving me an explanation or excuse)

I think the email is great for your own closure.

But do not send it.

It will hurt your friend immensely and could take some of the shine off her wedding.

I think you need to calm down and get some perspective as you have obviously been very hurt by what she has done and by your own emotional feelings at the moment esp with your Mum's illness.

Do you think you could contact her and say that you need to talk and do so face to face? Email and text and even phone is not the way to do this. It has to be face to face and I would not even mention the BM bit if I were you. Just the bit about feeling let down and not having support when you needed it and that because of this you no longer need her to be BM as only very close friends are BMs and she is obviously not one.

Take care though. You are hurting because of much more than this.

Cat - you're right to FEEL whatever you FEEL.

You don't have to return calls btw, particularly whilst feelings are so emotionally charged.

Perhaps hold the email.

OK catinboots I get that you are just using MN to vent and this isn't the way you are behaving to your friend at the moment.

However to be fair you did state that you were going to send the email to your friend if you haven't heard from her at the end of the month even if subsequently you have said that some of it is probably a bit nasty. And because it IS a bit nasty (more than a bit in fact) you ARE going to get a few people having a pop at you about your attitude to your friend. This is AIBU where people tend to have strong opinions and not be afraid to voice them, not a group hug.

I think a lot of us could get why you feel hurt. And also get how totally devastated you are about your Mum and that this may be clouding your judgement at the moment. Many of us will also have vented about friends in anger which then means we can process the issues and then talk calmly to them and avoid mouthing off. However, you have written a frankly abusive email and then asked 'am i being a cunt to send it' - don't then get annoyed at the people who answer 'yes you are actually'

You have said you came on here hoping for advice and imply that you haven't had any advice. To be fair you have had LOTS of advice but given that most of it isn't telling you what you want to hear you seem to dismiss the advice as invalid. I think the fact that the majority of people on the thread think you are being unreasonable to your friend SHOULD be enough to make you take a step back and really think about how you are coming accross. Because if you don't, and if you approach your friend in the same way, your friendship will almost certainly come to an end.

I think that you are clearly not in a place where you are able to think this through rationally which is fair enough. I think what you probably need to do is to step away from the thread until you are in a better place emotionally and then come back and read it through. Try and read the responses as though someone else posted the OP and think about what you REALLY want out of this.

If what you want is to hurt your friend as much as she has hurt you and think the friendship is irretrievable then by all means send the email.

If what you want is to try and understand your friend and to salvage the friendship then either send her an email asking why she did not choose you to be a bridesmaid or call and ask. You say it is not about this but it is this that has brought all your feelings to the surface and therefore it is this question that is going to tell you whether in fact she does not view you as a 'best' friend any longer or in fact does but she has another reason. Only then can you make a sensible decision as to whether you want to continue the friendship or not, and if you do whether you feel you still want her to be your bridesmaid or if your feelings towards her have changed as a result of what she tells you.

Ring your friend meet for coffee and talk. This all sounds a bit only girl not invited to the party! Life is short and you have enough to worry about without these insignificant jealousies. We all do it but you have acted on it and now it is about damage limitation. You thought she would ask you and she didn't,t but you can,t expect her to come up with a reason just to suit. Get it all out in the open and then go and enjoy the wedding as a guest without the stress of having to grin all day looking like a big meringue.

Is there a practical reason why she hasn't chosen you (e.g- distance)?

I could only have one bridesmaid due to the church being so small and in the end chose someone who I had known since primary school and for whom I had been a bridesmaid. I had one extremely good friend who was working as a holiday rep at the time (summer and winter seasons). I didn't ask her as I knew she was extremely unlikely to get the time off (July wedding) and she wouldn't be able to come back and forth for fittings etc. In retrospect I should have discussed it with her first, but I didn't. She assumed I hadn't chosen her because of her weight at the time. I did try to explain, but she didn't believe me.

Luckily she didn't cut me off, but the relationship cooled considerably for quite some time.

I wouldn't cut her off OP. Try to look past this one event.

Mishy's post just goes to show why you need to talk about these things rather than making presumptions.

For what its worth I have been through something a bit similar so I'm not just being uncaring. I was friends with a group of 3 other mums after our first children were born and we ended up being very close, going on holiday together and meeting up several times a week and as families on the weekend too. One of the other mums had a second child and asked the other 2 to be godmothers. I wasn't upset about this in itself as I don't believe in god so wouldn't have been expected to be asked. However I was upset about the fact that only godparents and families were invited to the christening and this meant that out of a group of 4 close friends I was the only one not invited.

I did actually ask the mum about it - there were other issues going on a the time that were making me feel a little excluded too - I explicitly said to her that I just wanted to know if she had chosen them to be godparents because she was closer to them or if I would have been in the running too if I wasn't an atheist. She was able to put my mind at rest and I was able to get over it.

I think there is NOTHING wrong with you asking your friend why she has made the choice she has. I agree it would have been nice for her to tell you and explain her reasons but she has a lot on her mind organising a wedding and may be having all manner of issues with people expecting her to do things their way (parents expecting distant family to be invited / to get married in a church when she doesn't want to / cousins expecting their partners who she doens't know to be invited / etc etc) and just didn't think you would mind.

Talk to her. But wait until you feel a bit emotionally fragile so you don't end up saying something you regret

a bit less emotionally fragile even

Wow. This just sounds like teenage drama to me, I can't believe you are 30! I'm sorry to hear about your mum, and I think you may be just lashing out because of her illness, but you really can't send that awful email, it makes you sound completely bitter and unhinged!

she called me on my mobile the day after I told her my mum was ill. I didn't answer. I miss calls all the time due to work etc. Friend would normally try again. Several times.

I miss calls from friends all the time, but here's the thing...I then return their calls (that's what friends do).

It works both ways

Kitty - she called me on my mobile the day after I told her my mum was ill. I didn't answer. I miss calls all the time due to work etc. Friend would normally try again. Several times

So ring her back then. Why keep waiting for her to ring you?

She's not returning the calls because she is feeling hurt and angry!

Yeah?! - not a good time to return calls.

There's a big difference between getting a missed call and purposely no answering the phone. Don't be surprised if you do call her and she "misses" it.

If you don't feel like talking because you're hurt and angry - you don't pick up - plain and simple.

Ok, but you don't then whine about the fact that the other person hasn't called repeatedly...the usual thing to do is call them back, no?

Op you need to grow up! You are a grown woman with a child a partner and your own wedding to plan and look forward too, why would you even want to be a bridesmaid anyway? I don't get it at all? Stop acting like a slighted child YABU

I'm sorry about your mum, I hope she recovers soon.

However, you really need to grow up, your friend owes you nothing re being a BM. She doesn't need to tell you why you weren't chosen, spare your feelings or anything.

However, I feel you are treating her badly and you need to let her know that she isn't going to be a BM for you now and just move on, the fact this has been dragged out for so long says a lot.

Don't be bitter (which you sound like), accept you've just grown apart and move on, otherwise you'll ruin your wedding day and potentially hers. That would make you now a very nice person.

And you can only try and contact someone so many times. Don't forget her friend had no idea that the OP was upset with her!! All she knew was that her mum was ill so was ringing her. Op ignored the call then the bride to be, fearing the worse re mum, tried to email on fb to find her friend of 15 years had deleted her account or barred her so, she does the next best thing and emails the sister. How much more can she do? Jump through burning hoops? It's all very childish, if you ask me.

Not a nice person!

Don't send that awful email!

You are hurt, and it seems one part of your brain is telling you that you are behaving logically and not merely lashing out due to the hurt. That part of your brain is wrong.

You want to say something. So, send her an email saying "I am very upset not to be asked to play a part in your wedding and I am struggling with how it has made me feel about our relationship." That is the truth.

You don't need to say anything further.

PLease please please dont contact by email or text unless its to suggest meeting up for a drink or lunch, emails and texts never go well (look at this thread for instance!)

As soon as somethingi s written down you can;t take it back, you could say stuff in a conversation and take it back immediately but not when its written down.

I would also be hurt if I were you. My firend (who I've known since we were 10) didn;t aske me to be bridesmaid and I was hurt, she later explained that she didn;t ask me as she knew I wouldn;t be bothered, well you know what I was bothered! We are still friends.

If I were you I would send her a text /email apologising for not getting back to her sooner but things have been hectic, can we meet for a drink, then talk to her face to face. If she doesn;t want to meet you have your answer, if she does and it goes horribly wrong, you have your answer, but don;t lose a friend before you know whats going on. She may have some shit going on in her life too.

Please try to think about this calmly before you do anything.

Good vent letter, but I think the one you mail to her should cut to the chase. You have a lot of stuff that is more you nattering, explaining stuff she already knows or can figure out, and it takes away from the main message. How do you like this edited version?

"I know you e-mailed my sister to ask what was wrong with me. I believe she told you that I am upset about the fact you haven't asked me to be a bridesmaid for you. I was shocked, surprised and a bit hurt. I realize that it's your wedding and you can do what the hell you like and ask whoever you want. It's not my place or right to challenge you over your decision.

However, I just think if the situation was reversed, you would also feel a little put out. You've thrown yourself into full bridesmaid duties for my wedding - for which I have been very grateful. I wanted you involved in the planning and preparation. You on the other hand, have made it very clear that you do not want my input in your wedding whatsoever. Again, this is up to you and I am not questioning your choice - but it is very indicative of the imbalance in our relationship.

I appreciate we've had our problems in the past, but I thought we had overcome these.
The way you have treated me feels like a slap in the face. You've made me feel like a total idiot. I really, truly thought you were one of my best friends. I'm irreversibly hurt over the way you have trampled over my feelings without giving it a second thought.

My mum is ill again and I really don't need people in my life who don't care about me. I have neither the time or the interest in maintaining a faux-friendship, My energy needs to be focused on my family.
Good luck with your wedding and subsequent marriage. I hope it goes well."