Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross at myself for not responding more robustly to this comment?

53 replies

mangotoo · 16/02/2011 10:56

(sorry - namechanged)

Came across an old schoolfriend yesterday who asked about my DCs.

She asked which school DS has gone to.

When I replied the local grammar, she asked if he was the only white face in the class. Shock

Not one for confrontation, I replied honestly that there's a fantastic mix throughout the school and he's made some great friends.

I swiftly moved on, but now feel crap that I didn't challenge her attitude.

Sad
OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/02/2011 10:57

Hindsight is a great thing. Just put a mental tick next to her name that says 'racist' Wink

MissVerinder · 16/02/2011 10:58

Bleugh, that stinks!

You can't challenge everyone's attitude, and I would imagine you weren't expecting that comment, so were unprepared for it. I think by not replying to the question in the same vein as it was asked has probably signalled your distaste at the comment.

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 10:59

Doesn't matter how you replied - if she's racist, a comment from someone who she barely knows won't make any difference to her underlying attitude.

Vallhala · 16/02/2011 11:01

"His is a white face amongst faces of all colours, all of whom have earned their place in the grammar school through intelligence and hard work. Which comprehensive did you say your child goes to/which school are you paying for your child to go to? (delete as appropriate)?" :o

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 16/02/2011 11:01

ah bugger - bet you thought of some brilliant retort as soon as she was out of sight. Sometimes we just get so gobsmacked with what people come out with & lose the quick thinking for a bit. You'll be better prepared next time you bump into her.

ShirleyKnot · 16/02/2011 11:06

I'm always so shocked when someone says something racist to me I never respond as I want to. There seems to be a block between my ears, brain and mouth.

I was having my nails done last week and the woman doing them was not only thick as mince but didn't seem to care AT ALL about what she was saying to me. I was just sat there with my jaw hanging down as she blurted out racist bollocks interspersed with tales of how she disciplines her child (pinching mainly) and Celebrities She Has Met. It was awful, and I just stared at her. I wish I'd said something really but, clearly, she is slightly mad and incredibly thick skinned and I was scared she might cut my fingers off with her cuticle torture device

Original poster
mangotoo · 16/02/2011 11:08

Yeah, I was really caught on the hop!

I may try Val's (slightly toned down - I'm a wimp Blush) sort of thing next tine.

I hoped that my response was enough to make her realise I definitely was not of her ilk!

OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/02/2011 11:10

Shirley, in that case I think I might have had a word with her manager about what is and isn't an appropriate topic on conversation. Maybe she should be told to stick with 'are you doing anything nice this weekend' and things like that. Hmm

charitygirl · 16/02/2011 11:10

I'm vowing that the next time I get one of those I'm going the American route. Put your head on one side, look concerned and say really earnestly 'Wow, that sounded really racist. Did you mean it to?'

Passive agressive yes, but not mean and it might actually make them think.

melikalikimaka · 16/02/2011 11:12

Same happened to me, someone said to my son, 'I bet it's like the book, Where's Wally, with you in assembly!' It took me a few seconds to get it and I laughed it off.

ttalloo · 16/02/2011 11:15

I love your suggestion, charitygirl!

ShirleyKnot · 16/02/2011 11:15

manicbmc - she is self employed. I won't be going back to her again.

melikalikimaka · 16/02/2011 11:17

My old neighbour called the local grammar school, the asian boys school up the road!

KnittedBreast · 16/02/2011 11:18

id have suggeted she find the nearest bnp meeting place. what a knoblet

eatmyfood · 16/02/2011 11:24

My FIL does this a lot, I find the best response is a slightly confused "I'm sorry I don't know what you mean." You just keep saying this as he digs himself a deeper and deeper hole and gets more confused trying to refer to black or Asian people without expressly using the N word or the P word. DH thinks it's hilarious.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/02/2011 11:30

There's just some people who have no sense about them at all isn't there?

Shock at melika's neighbour.

I hadn't seen my schoolfriend for 20odd years, I won't be sad if it's that amount of time till I next see her.

Knoblet. (thanks KnittedB)

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/02/2011 11:46

oh feck

Edinburghlass · 16/02/2011 15:32

I'm vowing that the next time I get one of those I'm going the American route. Put your head on one side, look concerned and say really earnestly 'Wow, that sounded really racist. Did you mean it to?' Passive agressive yes, but not mean and it might actually make them think.

Charity girl - that is inspired! A really good way of challenging someone without being directly confrontational

MissyKLo · 16/02/2011 15:42

U know I am not White but I don't think we should be so quick to shout racist

Ignorant and stupid she is (your friend) but not necessarily racist

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 15:45

But is it really racist?

I only ask as when ds1 was in primary school he was the only white child in his class and one of four in the whole school. I looked long and hard for a secondary which was mixed, not because I am racist but because no child should feel singled out.

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 15:50

if it was me i would looked at her with the most Confused look on my face and say "WHY on earth would that be the first thing that came into your head? ...unless you are a racist?" and then awaited her answer.

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 15:50

damn italics.

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 15:52

i think it was racist that her first thought upon hearing the school's name was skin colour. obviously skin colour is an issue for her.

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 16:01

OFFS,

I know that everyone knows DS1's old school is predominately a school with few white children in, and when it is mentioned in passing that he went there the comments are astounding especially coming from black parents who are shocked I sent him there and continued to until he finished in year 6. Thats why i wondered is it actually a racist comment but I suppose it does really depend on how it was said rather than what was said.

chippy47 · 16/02/2011 16:01

rac·ism   /ˈreɪsɪzəm/ Show Spelled
[rey-siz-uhm] Show IPA

?noun

  1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
  2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
  3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

What she said is not racist. It may suggest where her opinions lie (but no guarantee -she may have been refering, inaccurately, to the high ethnic mix known at that school), she may have her facts wrong. Who knows? But harsh to label her a racist on the basis of this comment.