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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross at myself for not responding more robustly to this comment?

53 replies

mangotoo · 16/02/2011 10:56

(sorry - namechanged)

Came across an old schoolfriend yesterday who asked about my DCs.

She asked which school DS has gone to.

When I replied the local grammar, she asked if he was the only white face in the class.

Not one for confrontation, I replied honestly that there's a fantastic mix throughout the school and he's made some great friends.

I swiftly moved on, but now feel crap that I didn't challenge her attitude.

OP posts:

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 16:06

but why even mention skin colour when talking about the school? why should it even come into people's heads when they think of a school? maybe i am just strange but i dont see colour. well i do of course, but it never registers in my head that there is a white man, or a balck woman or an asian child.

i was watching the news one day with my dad (who is racist ) and there was a screen shot of a crowd of people. my dad's first words were "look at all the * there" i was astounded that he had even noticed. i saw a crowd of people. he saw a crowd of people and a load of there. i don't get it.

chippy47 · 16/02/2011 16:09

OFFS - 'It may suggest where her opinions lie '

I am probably being too rigid in regards to the definition.

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 16:14

sorry, i was responding to TLES and Xposted with you but yes i do see your point, the comment itself wasn't racist but the thinking behind it most definitely appears to be.

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 16:18

OFFS, I didn't mean that the way it came across, I didn't care for the colour of the other pupils until it became an issue when ds1 was being bullied. Yes he probably would have been bullied in any other school because he is different or rather quirky.

it was and always is the reactions of others which astounds me.

YourCallIsImportant · 16/02/2011 16:22

Some people just assume that others share their views. Many years ago, a colleague asked me where I lived, and when I told him the neighbourhood, he said "you must be like a spot on a domino there." I was so shocked that I've never forgotten it.

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 17:30

sorry TLES, no i didn't mean you, i was talking about the people who commented about skin colour when hearing about the school. the same as you, those reactions would have astounded me. it was their responses i found so strange. you looking for another school isn't the same because you had issues. but just commenting on skin colour for no reason is, to me, strange.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/02/2011 18:43

I was inclined to think that the comment wasn't racist as such, but totally twattish and unnecessary.

MrsAlanKey · 16/02/2011 18:49

How is it not racist? She is basically saying all the white boys are to thick to pass the exam. If thats not "a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement" then I don't know what is.

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 18:50

or she was saying the school is popular and is in a predominant area??

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/02/2011 18:50

I don't think the words were actually racist, the inferrence, and the thinking behind it definitely was, though.

MrsAlanKey · 16/02/2011 18:52

Grammar schools have huge catchment areas don't they?

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/02/2011 18:53

No catchment area for this school. Everyone welcome to try, if they're willing to travel.

TheMonster · 16/02/2011 18:56

'spot on a domino'

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 18:57

ooppss sorry was just trying to give an alternative to what she could have been saying,

TheMonster · 16/02/2011 18:58

TLES, I agree with you.

chippy47 · 16/02/2011 19:05

Mrsak- I am sure that is exactly what she was thinking.....

CaptainNancy · 16/02/2011 19:06

lol at outing ypurself! I assume it was a dd rather than your 4yo?

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/02/2011 19:08

Yep - I changed some finer details as I'm cautious.

And a numpty.

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 19:11

Thats the point Chaos, sadly we live in an ignorant society where they see the school is popular with a certain race who obviously have high expectations of their children, then they cannot be bothered to apply/travel.

Then the OP comes along finds a good school sees past the colour etc and her son gets in. Her friend could just be jealous she had not thought to put the extra effort in to get her children in there, she could be as I suggested saying something different but using the wrong words or she could be racist. Nobody actually knows.

TattyDevine · 16/02/2011 19:12

I'm not sure I understand her implication at all to be honest let alone whether it is racist or not.

Disclaimer: Sounds a bit of a twatty comment to make regardless.

Was she implying that only black people can get into the grammar, in which case she is implying black people or asian people are more intelligent, which I assume is racist against white people?

I dont really understand what she was getting at, racist or not? Feel free to explain it to me.

TheLadyEvenstar · 16/02/2011 19:14

I think she was implying it is a school which is predominately popular with black families and therefore OP's son would be the odd one out.

Hence the comment she made.

BelleBelicious · 16/02/2011 19:20

I don't think it was racist. The two grammar schools in my area are overwhelmingly Asian. I assume that's due to the hard work of the kids and the culture of academic attainment they come from.

My children were some of the few white kids in their classes at their state infant school in London. Saying that isn't racist either, it's just how it is. Mentioning someone's race isn't a crime.

BUT, I think your friend is jealous that you have such a clever son and that shows in her response. She should have said, 'how wonderful, he must be very bright.' But her response says that she's gutted her kids aren't as clever and she wants to put it down.

TattyDevine · 16/02/2011 19:21

Oh. Thanks for explaining! I dont quite see how it is racist - i.e "black people are inferior because they like to go to the grammar and all seem to get in" but still, like I say it was a twatty comment to bring up skin colour in that context.

Grammar schools are pretty damn popular with everyone round here. I.e everyone seems to want to get in.

kerstina · 16/02/2011 19:29

I worked at a private school that was a prep school for children trying to get in the grammar schools . The pupils were about 80 % Asian. I think that the parents work their children harder and want the best for them. I cant comment on the % in the actual grammar school though.

OhForFuckersSake · 16/02/2011 19:38

"My children were some of the few white kids in their classes at their state infant school in London. Saying that isn't racist either, it's just how it is. Mentioning someone's race isn't a crime."

nope, it isn't racist in the context you have said it. i.e; a discusiion about race.

but the woman in the OP mentioned race when it had nothing to do with the conversation, implying that race was an issue to her, which to me hints at her being racist.

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