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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a money grabber?

86 replies

shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 20:39

Ex will not sign divorce papers unless I agree never to request a greater amount of child support no matter what he may earn in the future. He has a good job with good bonuses. He says he will increase in line with inflation but never in line with higher salaries he may earn. I am a money grabber apparently as I won't agree to this, apparently I did not assist him in his career path (only provided 24 hour child care for the past 8 years, he never did a stroke!). He says the kids will just have to manage but will have a good life when with him.

So am I?

OP posts:
mrsgetonwithit · 16/02/2011 08:25

So you want your husband to pay for everything and the government to pay for the rest?

Is that right?

Is there anything in the agreement that states when you [are able] get a job the monthly payments will be reduced?

The care of the children should be fairly equal and the financial support be equal, what financial support are you offering your children apart from the governments.?

QuickLookBusy · 16/02/2011 08:29

Mrs read the bloody thread before posting, you obviously have no clue as to the OP's circumstances.

mrsgetonwithit · 16/02/2011 18:16

I have read the thread thanks...............

wheretonow · 16/02/2011 19:05

You read the thread about the dc having SN and the OP's situation and still posted THAT! Crikey. Any ideas on how she could contribute equally financially when she is already giving her all in every other way? Sure they would be most welcome.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/02/2011 19:17

It really pisses me off when people blithely tell the SAHP to go back to work.

If a couple agree together that one of them will be a SAHP for the benefit of the family as a whole, the SAHP is giving up pension, career progression, earning potential etc. They do this because they view themselves as part of a team, with the other member of the team providing financial support while the SAHP supports their career by taking care of home/DC.

Why should the SAHP be penalised because it turns out they are married to a total cunt?

It's not that easy to get back into the workplace, if you've been absent for a while.

It's esp hard if you have a child who needs full time care.

OP - sorry for your troubles. Hope your solicitor nails him to the floor.

cumfy · 16/02/2011 21:03

Did you or he initiate divorce, and on what grounds ?

boosmummie · 16/02/2011 21:29

IF that was aimed at me among others....I was most definitely not boasting, i was left with three children, the youngest being just 2 months old (who was also 3 months prem..), the oldest barely 3, so as is so often the case i was not earning and all legal fees were his responsibility for putting it through the court in the first place.

@ Karmabeliever I just love that statement 'why should the SAHP be penalised.....'!!!! Sooooo true!

If there is money in the pot and children involved then it absolutely has to be dealt with as fairly as possible to ALL parties and if the SAHP is not in a position to work and the absent parent is financially able to provide then why on earth shouldn't a provision be made to include bonus/earning increases until a child reaches the end of their education? Surely a decent life with either parent is what is important, not trying to gain points by giving 'more' than the other parent. I am soooo qualified to make that last statement as when I was a child that is exactly what happened to me and there was no way I was going to let it happen to my children.

LongtimeinBrussels · 23/02/2011 11:48

Brilliant post karmabeliever. I have a friend who got into a relationship with a man who had three ds's, the youngest only being 6 months old. He left his dw for said friend. They are still together years on but even so it used to annoy the hell out of me when she would go on about his "ex-wife from hell" wanting loads of money from him and not being prepared to go back to work. I calmy pointed out to her that I too would be the ex-wife from hell if my dh had left me for another woman when dd was six months old, having done exactly what karmabeliever said (If a couple agree together that one of them will be a SAHP for the benefit of the family as a whole, the SAHP is giving up pension, career progression, earning potential etc. They do this because they view themselves as part of a team, with the other member of the team providing financial support while the SAHP supports their career by taking care of home/DC.)

otisdriftwood · 23/02/2011 18:14

Don't sign...the guy sounds like a right dickhead

Bogeyface · 23/02/2011 18:48

Am I the only one who suspects a promotion is in the offing or some sort of big payment? Why the hell else would he be protecting any future wage increase at a time when the chance of getting a raise "just because" is very unlikely?

He is shitting himself about something, I am sure of it. Something that he doesnt want the OP to know about or be able to claim from.

I am glad that you have decided to tell him to stuff it OP!

shewasashowgirl · 23/02/2011 18:52

YANBU

Don't sign he's being very unreasonable and trying it on.

FabbyChic · 23/02/2011 18:58

Not sure how many children you have but you should be looking to at least £50 per child per week in Maintenance.

mrsravelstein · 23/02/2011 18:59

not sure if this is helpful, but when i got divorced 3 years ago, there was a cap of 100k on the CSA percentage... ie the maximum i could get was 15% of 100k even though exh's salary was at the time about 5 times that. exh also refused to sign the divorce papers, i suspect because of the financial situation, and i ended up having to wait 5 years to get the decree absolute without his agreement. HOWEVER, by that point, he was very keen to settle financially... so i ended up with slightly more than my 15%, and i get 25% of his bonuses up to a certain amount. So if, as you allude to, your exh is a high earner, you may find that as court approaches, he decides he's better off settling with you.

foreverondiet · 23/02/2011 19:35

"I wouldn't normally expect any XH to have to support his XW forever because she didn't want to work."

Of course not but surely any XH should have to support his DC until they are adults and have their own jobs? Thats what parents do for their children. For children with special needs that might be forever. For most children would be until 18-22?

NoSuchThingAsSociety · 23/02/2011 19:45

Why are you splitting up?

I'd go to mediation if the legal route is going to be costly.

dittany · 23/02/2011 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xenia · 23/02/2011 20:24

YOu need some legal advice. My understanding is that if you agree X in terms of child support in a consent order, agreed with or imposed by the court, then immediately and no matter what it says you can get the CSA to assess on their basis. It is a fascinating point. However as someone said above if teh CSA route is capped you might want a consent order like my ex husband has with me (I earn a lot more) that I pay the school fees and university costs whoever the children live with . Ours also says that whoever they live with supporst them but they live with me (his choice) so he pays nothing and I suppor them alone. Even so I could get 20% via the CSA for the younger ones if I could be bothered I suppose because of the point above that you can go to the CSA whatever the agreed settlement says.

If I were you I would look at what he now earns. remember we might get 20% inflation a year as we had for several years in the 1970s too Any good lawyer will advise you of all that. I hope you have one. If we are just talking here about support for his children and you might indeed dump them all on him in due course or 3 stroppy teneagers later may move out from you and move in with him and you're trying to cover all kinds of future possibilities here.... if it's just child support then look at the various cots. If he's going up from £100k to £500k for example as a possibility then you need to be looking at the court order saying he will pay direct to schools and universities fees and costs direct and a host of other things we richer parents pay out for children whic hmay not be within your leagure at present but may be if he becomes a super earner.

Do settle though because why waste money on lots of legal fees?

Also think about it psychologically - plenty of people are happy for money to go to chidlren - so if eg you could live with the money going direct to their private schools or some of it or their univesrity fees office he may be happier to pay that direct than it passes through your hands potentialyl to be spent on shoes or a new lover.

Also remember if the children later choose to live with him that you will be owrking and paying child support to him too. You might eartn £1m next year - why not, go forth and get your revenge by out earning him. it's huge fun, much more fun than sittinga t home living off male earnings. You can do it. Women are only limited by their own very low expectations.

mamalino · 23/02/2011 20:35

Add message | Report | Message poster ongakgak Tue 15-Feb-11 20:53:24
do you get carers allowance? my SIL has 2 statemented SEN boys and gets a carers allowance which is about £1000 a month!

Ongakgak what a load of bollocks. Carers allowance of 1k a month?! Ha fucking ha.

CA is £53 a quid a week. You only get it for one child regardless as well.

OP, I second the CSA.

PrincessScrumpy · 23/02/2011 20:44

Dh and I are together but I've always been very clear - If he leaves I'll screw him for everything as dc deserve the best he can afford for them. Your ex is trying to feel he's won - I think it's a man thing. Just tell him - you've taken advice and that isn't how it works.

I think he's in for a shock.

I've also made sure I have full internet access to all our money (dh can never remember the logins) so I would move all the cash to my account - sounds harsh but I have no intention of being a poor single mum on benefits as I gave up a good career for dc. Good luck!

Bogeyface · 23/02/2011 22:44

Women are only limited by their own very low expectations

And the high care requirements of atleast one SN child.

JEEZ!! Does no one read the thread anymore?! Are you a ringer from the OPs ex Xenia?!

emfloherb · 30/04/2011 15:32

I am new to mumsnet and came here by accident not yet having worked out how this all works but this thread has made my day... I am getting divorced too (not why I came here) and i have laughed and laughed. Thanks very much all :)

ps my solicitor would never advise you accept this madness, I doubt yours will either but if she does, change her!

electra · 30/04/2011 15:40

No you are not a money grabber. YANBU at all - he should pay in accordance with what he earns - has he forgotten this is for his children???? (twat)

sausagesandmarmelade · 30/04/2011 15:56

Oh and don't forget ancillary relief as well as child support, that will really piss him off.

Oh that's nice isn't it...take him for as much as possible.

Relationships split up...and yes he's obliged to support his kids as long as they are dependent on him. However, what frequently happens (it seems) is that the mother takes her ex for every penny that she can and it's not always spent on the kids...it's often revenge.

If he is providing adequate provision for his kids then why should he be obliged to pay more if he earns more. How is he to be sure it's all going for the kids...and not for the ex wife?
If what he's providing isn't enough further down the line then ask for more...but you should also make adequate provision and if you can work...then you should.

You made joint choices, you are jointly responsible...

RobF · 30/04/2011 16:16

Seems to me that you expect to benefit from your exes hard work, despite not wanting to be his wife anymore. Doesn't make sense to me, but what do I know, I'm just a man.

As far as "making sacrifices" to be a SAHM, what did you plan to do once the children were old enough to not need a SAHM?

The divorce system in this country is an utter joke. It favours women if every single respect, and then we wonder why so many men (myself included) are reluctant to marry.

If you want money, get off your arse and GET A JOB. End of story. Your ex has responsibilty to support his children, but not you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/04/2011 16:17

Hold on a minute, OP... they are your children too, he went out to work, you looked after the children. I'm assuming that was with your joint agreement?

You say that he's prepared to increase the provision in accordance with inflation. That's not exactly leaving the children without, is it?

There's nothing to stop him making gifts to his children either, of any amount, he just doesn't want to make them to you.

I'm absolutely all for men (and women) taking responsibility for their children but that doesn't mean that your ex should have to subsidise you to stay at home.

It doesn't make you a money grabber that you think he should but it makes you perhaps a little unrealistic. In your position, I'd rather earn my own money and start building my career for my future as well as for my children.