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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a money grabber?

86 replies

shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 20:39

Ex will not sign divorce papers unless I agree never to request a greater amount of child support no matter what he may earn in the future. He has a good job with good bonuses. He says he will increase in line with inflation but never in line with higher salaries he may earn. I am a money grabber apparently as I won't agree to this, apparently I did not assist him in his career path (only provided 24 hour child care for the past 8 years, he never did a stroke!). He says the kids will just have to manage but will have a good life when with him.

So am I?

OP posts:
Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 15/02/2011 21:59

You are dure now that it isn't my ex you are divorcing? Hmm I cannot believe there are so many men like that out there.
Can they not see that this big stick they are trying to beat us with is actually punishing the children? Angry

Tryharder · 15/02/2011 22:02

Well I agree with you in principle but have to disagree with all this "take the bastard to the cleaners" replies. What does that solve apart from causing animosity, resentment and bitterness.

Without knowing the extent of the disabilities your DCs have, it would be unreasonable of me to suggest that perhaps he is right and you should get a job.

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 22:35

You don't need to know Tryharder even the government thinks that at least one of my children certainly need me as a full time carer so I needn't explain the extent of my dc's SN to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 22:42

And actually reading back over this thread I can't see any take him to the cleaner type responses, just supportive ones, which I certainly needed after my latest bruising encouter with ex. I have spent the past year trying NOT to take him to the cleaners.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 15/02/2011 22:42

I get Tryharders point though.....

Maybe your DH thinks that you could work while your DC are at school..

Vallhala · 15/02/2011 22:43

expat, you put that so brilliantly! :o

As has been said, shimmery, he's a nasty piece of work. He not only wants to deprive his children but wants to punish you by making you look the bad guy when you have to say, "Sorry, you can't have that/go there, I can't afford it".

Sign NOTHING until you've taken legal advice... and then screw the bastard for every possible penny!

reelingintheyears · 15/02/2011 22:45

Sorry,it wasn't clear from your posts that this has been going on a long time..
(a year)
I read it as a recent thing.

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 22:45

Yes, I suppose I could, if there were any jobs out there that will let me leave every hour or so to support my ds at school, where he is actually on a reduced time table as he cannot cope with the full day? Also as my youngest isn't actually AT school yet, that might be a bit tough too, she does a couple of hours in nursery though maybe I could fit something in then, in addition I am a lone parent with no family nearby and an ex who certainly didn't do jack all to help when we were actually married and doesn't seem to want to start now. Any takers?

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 15/02/2011 22:47

Ok,that does make it a bit clearer.

Inertia · 15/02/2011 22:51

Shimmery- do not sign anything that will deprive your children of what is rightfully theirs. If you have children with SN it's possibly more likely that they will need greater provision than other children, so restricting maintenance for them now would be very short-sighted. Your child needs full-time care from you; you cannot do that and work out of the home.

Your Ex is behaving despicably to want to deprive his children. He's trying to punish you using the children, and suggesting that you are the selfish one!

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 22:55

You know what else pisses me off as well. I used to have an ok job, not professional, but I enjoyed it and it wasn't badly paid. I can never go back to it not just because of ds but also because by the time I am ready, if ever to be able to go back I will be too old, lots of younger ones up and coming. So basically I have no earning power for the future because I care for and support mine (and his) SN child and ex still wants to stick it to me despite having agreed in more pleasant moments that this is the case for me.

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 15/02/2011 22:57

replying to OP only:

hell no legally entitled to the set % whatever that is, DO NO AGREE TO THIS 'but for' the seperation/divorce you and your kids would have benfited as increase in earning went up, he is a money grabbing B and you must make sure you got after all vauable assets and very very importantly hi pension.

What you have foregone in terms of earning and future potential earnings taking into consideration career progression you may have made needs to be addressed.

Long story but I found myself in this position recently and made sure I got percentage of bonuses too. My situation changed following reconcilliation but I have very strong views on this as a result and view things more practically.

If you dont get the means for your DC then no one else will and I think this is a huge pressure at a very emtional time but go for it do it dont dign a freakng thing.

Sorry if a bit ranty but this riles me so much I have friend who have been completly stuffed.

Viking75 · 15/02/2011 22:59

he is their dad - how much he spends on them should never be linked to inflation just because you happen to be separated..YANBU! x

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 15/02/2011 23:00

Thank you, I can assure you in the strongest possible terms I will NOT be signing a thing. He can whistle dixie.

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 15/02/2011 23:02

So no you are not being a money grabber - if you havnt got legal rep there is so much you can do yourself see wikkivorce site. You need to be a hard nosed bitch about this. Make sure you have a look at form E's and remember about things like

partys
holidays
uniform
haircuts
household goods replacement
transport
any current activities like swimming lessons etc

not just about clothes and food

Start reading up, unfortunately parental responsibility carrys a financial responsibility too reguardless of what lifestyle he thinks hes gonna live oooo my blood boils.

Niceguy2 · 15/02/2011 23:05

Shimmery, as a bloke can I just say your ex is a selfish twat.

Even if you were stupid enough to sign an agreement, I doubt it has any value in law since once you go to the CSA, it is them who assess him, not you.

What I would say though is given his attitude now, I'd go via the CSA now. I simply cannot see any situation where he will pony up the money every month like clockwork.

If he's on a decent whack, he's not going to ditch his job just to avoid paying child support. If he does then he's an even bigger idiot.

Good luck

KaraStarbuckThrace · 15/02/2011 23:06

I would go through the CSA, that way he HAS to pay a % of his earnings.

Tight fisted cunt Angry I can see why you are divorcing him!!

lovenamechange100 · 15/02/2011 23:13

Good advice re CSA as court hearing will still respect this and deal with any other financials for spousal maintenance and pension provision and sharing of any assets

boosmummie · 15/02/2011 23:36

The one thing I learnt 13½ years ago when I went through divorce with my first husband is that the children are entitled to the kind of lifestyle that the absent parent is able to provide in the event that the parent with children is clearly unable to do it his/herself. This means therefore that if his fucking salary and bonuses are sky high then he should bloody well make sure the children are catered for accordingly. This makes me so fucking angry to hear this again and again. I fought for 2 years in the courts (can you imagine what the wanker had to pay in legal fees in the end - karma...?!!) to get what was right for my children and i cannot believe that all this time later they still don't have sensible guidelines in place to include such bonuses and salary increases. I did get a half decent about in the end, but the fight was horrendous. The ironic thing was, that I actually got MORE than I had initially suggested!!! DO NOT sign anything unless your lawyer says that it is acceptable. Why do so many men use their children as tools in matters that are not their fault yet ultimately affect them more deeply than anyone. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

LongtimeinBrussels · 15/02/2011 23:51

Like lovenamechange100, I also have a friend who was completely stuffed by her ex. HE cheated on HER and then told her she had to leave their home which she did as she couldn't afford to stay there. She does work full-time but doesn't have anywhere near his earning power. He gives her the bare minimum so when the dcs are with her they are living in a small house with few luxuries but when they go to him they live in a beautiful house (one they think of as home) and are treated all the time, including wonderful holidays. I don't know how he's got away with it.

Please fight this! And please include future salary increases and bonuses in the discussion.

Tryharder · 16/02/2011 00:41

Er... OP, I didn't say you should work.Nor did I ask for any explanation as to your DC's SNs. I said I couldn't make a judgement without knowing your circs. If you don't like to be told that you might not reasonable, then don't post on AIBU!

But TBH, I wouldn't normally expect any XH to have to support his XW forever because she didn't want to work or didn't think she should have to.

And there have been lots of posters saying screw the bastard/wanker/whatever. And others boasting about how they took their X to court and screwed him for legal fees etc etc. How does that help the situation other than lining solicitors pockets and making you hate each other? You have children together - why not try mediation (or whatever it's called) instead?

izzywizzywoowooo · 16/02/2011 01:00

You can't try mediation with such a twat as the OP's Ex. Grin

I can't believe the line.. "He says he will increase in line with inflation"

What a dick, Good on you for not signing anything. This guy isn't being asked to support OP he is being asked to support his own flesh and blood.

christmaswishes · 16/02/2011 01:52

Tryharder - you just have a bee in your bonnet really. It is not unreasonable for the op to get a reasonable settlement for her and the children .

Tryharder with your post you were trying to get it out of the op about her childs disabilities so now your back tracking. You want her to justify herself but why should she?

christmaswishes · 16/02/2011 01:52

Tryharder - you just have a bee in your bonnet really. It is not unreasonable for the op to get a reasonable settlement for her and the children .

Tryharder with your post you were trying to get it out of the op about her childs disabilities so now your back tracking. You want her to justify herself but why should she?

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 16/02/2011 08:10

I don't think there was any boasting more like relief that they managed to get a decent settlement in a situation and system that routinely screws over the none earning parent. Have you ever been in this position tryharder? And I agree that you were trying to get me to justify myself, which I feel I did fully.

OP posts:
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