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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling exasperation at parents at playgroup who do nothing about their very boisterous kids?

70 replies

Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 13:59

I go to a lovely playgroup but there are 4 or 5 mothers with 3 yr old boys who seem incapable of intervention or telling their boys off. However much the boys hit other kids, or push them or generally hurt them these women respond with lame sort of shruggy helplessness and a weak sort of whiney "Oh DAHling please don't do that".
And it's so weakly done, and you can see the child feels no consequence has occurred. Sometimes said Bint will kneel down and talk quietly with mean offspring during which child appears to take nothing in.

These mothers are usually very middle class and almost find this behaviour a bit adorable. Certainly they don't seem to have any methodology of discipline. I find it so weird. They have to learn how to behave don't they?

OP posts:
brokeoven · 15/02/2011 14:01

oooh im gonna put kettle on...

heheh "middle class"
Brew any one?

littleducks · 15/02/2011 14:03

I remember this, some woman got very upset that i asked her child to 'plese stop kicking, it isnt friendly' as he repeatedly kicked my (younger than him) ds

I never managed to find an effective way to deal with it tbh

lukewarmmama · 15/02/2011 14:05

...... sits back and grabs a Brew ......

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 14:06

Well I would include myself in that social group. I genuinely don't understand the mindset that it's ok for one's little boy to really hurt other kids and the parent doesn't feel it necessary to teach the child that the behaviour is not acceptable. Why is that? What's going on in the parent's mind when Tristram bashes wotsit really hard on the head?

OP posts:
KATC2010 · 15/02/2011 14:07

I absolutely 100% agree with you! We go to a fantastic playgroup, but there is one boy in particular who is an absolute horror! He bullies the other children and very often his mother is either chatting and taking no notice or says nothing. The thing is it is definitely a lack of discipline as when he is at the adjoining nursery he is not nearly so bad. There are a couple of others who seem to be in his 'group' as well who aren't too nice but fortunately not as bad as this monster but you can see for sure trouble heading his way in the future.

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 14:11

And it feels socially unacceptable to acknowledge it doesn't it? It's not acceptable (I don't feel) to actually call a spade a spade and say that it's out of order. There's lots of grimacing and sort of shrugging compassionately at one another as if "oh boys will be boys" but you can't say, "actually love you need to sort that out because that is unacceptable behaviour and the child needs to know it is".

Sigh, I know it's a mystery, these women just don't want to dirty their hands with discipline! Ickle Roderick will be fine without it!

OP posts:
carriedababi · 15/02/2011 14:16

ive got a good griend that does this with her boy, dont seem them much now

Sad really

gobehindabushfgs · 15/02/2011 14:16

yes, it is annoying

but then, mothers of tiny little fluffy precious-as-cut-glass babies tend to have a slightly skewed perspective too

everybody is a bit unreasonable when it comes to their children in relation to others, I think

a three-year-old boy becomes a thug in jackboots when he is playing near your baby

what would you like them to do?

oh and not wishing to pick on you, but "bint" is an offensive term

Rhadegunde · 15/02/2011 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oiwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2011 14:23

"Sometimes said Bint will kneel down and talk quietly with mean offspring during which child appears to take nothing in"

How offensive.
YABU.

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 14:28

obviously high spirits and energetic play are wonderful and appropriate. Hitting, kicking, intentionally hurting other kids is what I'm talking about. Of course I'm not talking about accidents! Accidents are fine and not something you'd punish a child for!

I'm talking about children who intentionally hurt others and the mothers do not teach them that this is wrong, they are often not even supervising the child so can often play 'dumb' when they arrive amid sobbing aftermath.

If my kids hurt another they get and immediate consequence, usually taken out of the room and it is made clear that if it happens again they will go home at once. They have to have a consequence or they don't learn not to do it. I think many of them do it to get mother's attention and a lot of cuddles and chat from mother while she murmurs incomprehensible entreaties to child. I'd kick someone else if my mother ignored me if I didn't I guess!

I think bint is, imo, acceptable on mumsnet used lightheartedly about my own gender. I've always used it about a woman I find to be an eejit. And use it about myself when I consider myself to have been an eejit. I think mumsnet is an open enough forum to deal with the odd 'bint' but sorry if it offends you, it doesn't bother me at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 14:30

Well I think it's offensive to let your child clobber other children and to not address it properly so it continues. Very offensive!

OP posts:
tattycoram · 15/02/2011 14:35

No idea what class has to do with it

I really think it depends what you are talking about - certain types of children play by running about boisterously and imo a playgroup should be able to cope with little boys doing that.

Hitting and pushing younger children or others who aren't joining in is obviously not on, I don't think anyone would disagree with that.

My DS was v boisterous at that age, and tbh now we are out of htat phase I can see I was constantly apologising and walking on eggshells in those situations and he was just a boy who was playing with other boys who also liked playing like that. Given my time again I would be more robust about it tbh

brokeoven · 15/02/2011 14:40

yup that was my boy too.

Despite discipline, sticking to threats, enforcing threats, constantly being on his back, suffering PND and desperate to get out of the house even for one hour a week, sick to the back teeth of people like you looking down your pompous nose at us, i gave in and stopped going out.
I felt so uncomfortable, so stressed and so down that i actually stopped going out for months at a time.

Not sure what class you would class me as, which btw is SO offensive and short sighted and nasty, but regardless, my boy is now wonderful, kind and caring to all around him.

They go through phases of this, you need to open your eyes a bit and be a bit more understanding. The problem may be far more complex than you can see on the surface.

just a suggestion.

Lovecat · 15/02/2011 14:40

My BIL's little boy (2.5) is like this - DH took something from him that he was trying to eat - non edible, I hasten to add - and he hit him! DH very gently told him 'no', he went to belt him one again! Cue BIL saying 'oh, he's not used to hearing no, he gets very cross' . WTF??

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 14:40

Well I don't feel there's anything to be defensive about. I would consider myself middle class.

I think it is to do with class which is why I mention it.
I think there is a kind of preciousness about one's children that is very noticeable in a certain kind of parent. It's a kind of worship of their child over the needs of others. Of course that can occur in any class but it is really noticeable in my class if you like.

I think class is relevant which is why I mentioned it.
I don't see why you feel defensive unless you think I am talking about you?
I am only talking about children who are intentionally hurting other kids, I've clearly said that.

OP posts:
lospolloshermanos · 15/02/2011 14:43

the first reply Brew haha

its annoying but theres not much you can do my sons a tornado, if he snatches I take the toy off him and give it back to the child, Comfort yourself knowing your a good parent.

gobehindabushfgs · 15/02/2011 14:43

The only person who is coming across as "precious about their children" here is you, OP

I was going to offer advice but having read more of your posts I don't think I'll bother Hmm

and "bint" is racist as well as offensive, so you really should think of an alternative.

brokeoven · 15/02/2011 14:44

i am defensive of those parents whom you are slagging off.

It is not always that black and white.

offering another perspective and suggesting that you are pompous and offensive.

tattycoram · 15/02/2011 14:46

You're not talking about me, I am as smiley and apologetic as they come and always removed my DS if other children were upset by him

However, I now think that at times I overcompensated and that that wasn't fair on him. I wish I had said, actually, he is a boy, he is good hearted, he has run up to your child because he likes the look of them, wants them to join in and this is how he thinks it should be done because he is a very young child.

Instead of saying sorry sorry, and moving him away from the disapproving glare of parents with drippy more sensitive children

By the way, I do know the sort of parent you are talking about, I am just a bit sick of people being down on small boys

Rhadegunde · 15/02/2011 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Longstocking2 · 15/02/2011 14:50

well, broke, that sounds terrible and clearly that was a very tough time, I had a tough time with my ds too and had to find a way of managing it.

But you sound like you did care about it and did try to intervene. I would hate to wish anyone stuck inside because of it. But in my experience most of these boys play really well if mother plays near or with them, they play fantastically well when supervised.

I'm talking about their mothers don't supervise and don't seem to mind when their child hurts other children. The occasional wallop is understandable, they go through phases I understand.

I'm talking about kids who hurt others week in week out and mothers who do not address it at all. I'm sorry I clouded the issue with class. You're right it was needless, but I'm irritated by these lads who just wallop the other kids and push them over and kick and mothers don't address it at all.
It's just that I feel sorry for the kids who are being walloped. Sometimes they are really hurt. They are part of the picture too aren't they?

OP posts:
tattycoram · 15/02/2011 14:50

You see I'm not sure that she is, because in an average playgroup, 4 or 5 mothers would be a very high proportion of people who parent like that. I think she may well be including more normal boisterous sorts of behaviours in there.

tattycoram · 15/02/2011 14:51

Sorry, cross posted OP

ScramVonChubby · 15/02/2011 14:52

Well the shruggy helplessness is annoying IME although I have seen that go with exhaustion too; however there is a wide gap between that ans having an active word with the child that seems to be ignored- one is passive the other active even if ineffective.

I am absolutely not the mother you describe to the extent that I have become the ultinate hover mother (eldest has SN behavioural issues). But I can see why it happens: in one palce you do anything less than shout the odds and you don't care; in another you show even a glimmer of disapproval and- you're uncaring bordering on abusive!

It's hard for people to know which road to take in such a contradictory society, so as long as something active is done I tend to be fine with that.