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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my SIL wedding reception

105 replies

EdwardorEricCantdecide · 14/02/2011 22:30

Ok sorry if this is long.
DSIL got married in dec (gave every1 4 wks notice)
As her husband is Italian they are having another reception in Sorrento. In June DH and I are expected to be there. And we were grudgingly going to go. (it's more than we would normally spend for a week hol) I have been quoted £1500 at best for the week.
I have now just found out I'm preggers and will be 24 wks in June. I think the money could be better spent on really cheap hol with DS earlier in the year. And on baby/house.
AIBU not to go?

Ps we did go to the original wedding and reception in December and will be going to "wedding celebration" in march I think 2out of 3 isn't bad??

OP posts:
BlueCollie · 15/02/2011 13:45

3 weddings?!?!?! I think it is VU of them to expect you to go to all 3. My DH brother got married in Mexico we were expected to go. As we are skint we were going to have it as our honeymoon but I really really didn't want to do that. We couldn't afford to go in the end as was too expensive for a holiday that I was not keen to go on and also felt that it wasted the money people had given to us for our honeymoon. Went to China instead and had a ball. His brother was upset a bit but there is no hard feelings now or not ones I know about. Go on holiday with your family and have a great time. I would explain that you have already been to their wedding and celebrated with them and feel no need to do it 3 times.

Bogeyface · 15/02/2011 13:55

You could always make it sound like you have already booked the Spain holiday, or book it before Satuday so you can say that because you are already going to Spain you really cant afford Italy too.

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantdecide · 25/02/2011 06:38

Ok BIL thinks this is disgusting that we are not going to Italy due to money.
DH has now offered to go on his own. He will try to get flights so that he only needs to stay for 1 night. AIBU to think he shouldn't be going?
Ps DBIL & DH think that as they are getting an actual blessing there not just a party then he should go.
BIL's family were here for Scottish wedding

OP posts:
Original poster
EdwardorEricCantdecide · 25/02/2011 07:50

bump

OP posts:
EmmaBGoode · 25/02/2011 07:59

If you do go, you might all have a really fabulous time, especially your DS. I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand. Sorrento is beautiful. Do you think you'd ever get the opportunity to go to Italy again?

I would say, don't dismiss it out of hand.

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantdecide · 25/02/2011 08:07

trouble is we really can't afford it. we have very little savings c.£700 and i'm currently preg with DC2, i'll be 6months+ in june, and total cost inc, spending money and loss of DH earnings is likely to be c. £2500!!

im just really annoyed now that he's gone on his high horse and said its DISGUSTING that we are not going on grounds of money (thinks its perfectly acceptable for us to get into debt for it)

OP posts:
JustKeepSwimming · 25/02/2011 08:17

Your BIL is being totally unreasonable, I don't think your Dh should go at all.

Definitely not you & DS, the journey sounds horrid, with a young one & with being pregnant. Italy in the summer can be lovely but can also be bloody hot.

Book your Spain trip & enjoy being together as a family of 3 before baby arrives.

As long as DH's sister is ok-ish, then forget about them, they're being ridiculous.

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/02/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coccyx · 25/02/2011 08:35

I would go Sorrento is beautiful.
Let your husband go if he wants to.
Don't get the paranoia of not leaving the uk as you will be 24 weeks.
Why can't you manage a toddler at 24 weeks by yourself?????????? Crack on , its not an illness

EmmaBGoode · 25/02/2011 08:35

Could you go for a long weekend? 3 nights in the Hotel Antico Parco del Principe on the Sorrento coast (including flights, taxes, etc.) would cost GBP 673 for all three of you.

I just think you might enjoy it. A big, fun Italian wedding in a beautiful location. That said, if you really don't want to go, then no, YANBU.

smellmycheese · 25/02/2011 08:46

I think you should be careful using excuses about health or not wanting to travel whilst pregnant. Firstly, it's a bit of a weak excuse when people do it all the time, but secondly, if u then jet off on another holiday, they will rightly think you're a liar!

I would go with the financial issues. Ie: now you're pregnant you just can't afford it anymore. If BIL complains anymore just say ' if u pay the difference we'll gladly come along!

Bogeyface · 25/02/2011 08:49

Well I wouldnt go on principle because I dont give in to my kids tantrums so i would certainly not do it with a grown man!

Why should the OP give up a family holiday and go into debt on top of that, just to keep someone happy who should be adult enough to know that you cant always have your own way? What a ridiculous suggestion!

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 25/02/2011 08:53

I would have suggested going for a couple of nights, although the travelling may be a bit much.

However, since BIL has started bullying you, I just wouldn't go at all.

FellatioNelson · 25/02/2011 08:56

Under the circumstance I don't think you are under any obligation to go, and I hope she'd understand that you need to prioritise financially now. It's not as if you haven't already been to her wedding!

I'm getting a bit cheesed off with this culture of more and more elaborate weddongs/parties/hen nights etc that take place all over the world and the pressure on people to spend vast sums of their own money to make someone else's celebration seem more glamorous. Don't get me wrong - I've been to a few things like this if it's suited me, but I've turned down a few as well, and I don't like inference that I'm letting people down.

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantdecide · 25/02/2011 09:05

cocyx its the money predominantly that is stopping me!
but i have had miscarriage and SPD in previous pregnancies and can do without it.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 25/02/2011 09:14

I wouldn't go at all and neither would dh in this scenario.

You bil is takin the piss.

WTF have 3 weddings for one marriage. Fucking farce IMO

LadyOfTheManor · 25/02/2011 09:20

Let her have as many weddings as she wants. You don't HAVE to go and if money is restricting then don't go. Plus you're pregnant, so, you have a get out clause.

MintyMoo · 25/02/2011 09:21

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't be happy for my DP to go in those circumstances either. I notice BIL isn't offering to pay... he's being a twat of the highest order as my father would say. And his unreasonable behaviour would make me even less inclined to go. You have a baby on the way, financial priority is with the baby.

Eglu · 25/02/2011 09:26

If BIL is that insistent on your DH being there then he should pay. 3 weddings! Seriously. He is taking the piss.

breatheslowly · 25/02/2011 09:54

If you want someone to be there then you pay for them - simple as that. No one should ever insist on you spending your money on them. And I don't think Sorrento is beautiful. It is an overcrowded tourist resort. Do your PIL have an opinion?

SarahBumBarer · 25/02/2011 09:55

Well 3 weddings is a lot but given that BIL is Italian, it us nit that unreasonable that there be both a uk and an Italian reception so even down to 2 OP would still have this issue to resolve.

I don think looking after a toddler at 24 wjs pg is THAT hard tbh. The issue for me is the money and your BIL's attitude. Frankly at this point I'd be saying "we weren't going to come due to the pregnancy and the cost but now we don't want to come because BIL is a twat". If family is so important perhaps he should show some understanding and support!

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantdecide · 25/02/2011 09:57

all this was said to DH last night at pub. he also happened to say that it was even disgusting that we were planning family holiday for before DS birthday (he's still only 1yo) as we wouldn't need to pay for him this year.

he then went on to bragg about the fact that he has £60,000 in the bank!!!

TBH its taking every ounce of my self control not to go to his house and rip his head clean off his body!!! Angry

OP posts:
AKMD · 25/02/2011 09:59

Oh no, don't go. I don't think your DH should go either. Italy is lovely and a big family wedding is lovely but the bottom line is that you cannot afford it. What BIL thinks is irrelevant - he isn't going to pay for your maternity leave is he?

Stop worrying about creating a family feud. If you want to then throw your own strop so that BIL has to apologise to you :o

VerylazyBecsy · 25/02/2011 10:04

look this is YOUR life dont go and dont for heaven's sake let your DH go. The way your BIL is acting id be less inclined to go- in fact id now refuse- as they obviously dont care about your situation at all. Do not pander to people who are selfish and uncaring.

mozette · 25/02/2011 10:10

Tell your BIL to shove it up his arse! Don't let your DH go.