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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let ex take them abroad for 2 weeks

79 replies

gordyslovesheep · 14/02/2011 20:06

In Sept - to Turkey

my reasons are

  1. I will miss them too much - espcially DD3 who is only 2
  1. He is iffy on maitanance right now due to 'cash flow' issues but can afford the flights? (villa is free)
  1. School turns a blind eye to 10days 'off' per year - this uses up the entire allowance in one go meaning I have to take them away in holiday time - which I can;t afford
  1. He's taking his GF (who he left me for) (yes that IS unreasonable I know but still...)
  1. We agreed in the summer hols we would EACH take 2 weeks leave to reduce childcare costs (£150 a week for holiday club) - this would now not happen

or am I meaning a mean bitch

OP posts:
2rebecca · 14/02/2011 21:08

I don't think whether a parent will miss the kids for 2 weeks should be relevent. If the kids will miss their mum and be unhappy that's relevent, but my kids went away with their dad last summer for 3 weeks and had a great time. Yes I missed them, but that's no reason to stop them going, their holiday and their relationship with their father is more important, and if you know your kids are enjoying themselves and you are doing the right thing for them then the missing them isn't so bad and you just keep busy.

rookiemater · 14/02/2011 21:12

YANBU because of the taking them out of school and the arrangement regarding the school holiday care. He sounds like a "fun" Daddy who doesn't think about the long term consequences of what he does and for what it is worth I can't quite see the long term benefits of 2 weeks in Turkey versus settling in at school at the start of the term.

Original poster
gordyslovesheep · 14/02/2011 21:15

seriously the whole GF thing was rather tongue in cheek guys (and troll) it's not really the actual issue - he took them away with her last year Grin

He is a good dad and I have no issue with him going for the week - although I'd rather it wasn;t in school time I would be hypocritical to refuse on those grounds alone

I think it is just the missing them thing - and the summer holiday childcare

in which case I guess I am being a bit selfish - I'll take that on board - but I do think a week - okay maybe of HIS choosing, is a good compromise :)

OP posts:
Original poster
gordyslovesheep · 14/02/2011 21:17

Majic they are 2, 7 and almost 9 :)

OP posts:
magicjamas · 14/02/2011 21:21

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ivykaty44 · 14/02/2011 21:24

I would refuse on the fround of the dc need to be in school in September and holidays need to be taken by both of you in the school holidyas.

i would put it in writing that two weeks in the school holidyas is fine but septemebr is the start of a new term and taking holiday at this time will be very unsettling for the dc who is starting a new term with new teacher etc and detrimental to the child,

As for not taking the dc on holdiay because you will miss them - please get over this in the nicest possible way - this is about the dc not you.

And the same goes for the g/f -this is about the dc and not you so in the nicest possibly way get over it and quick for their sake

yes have been there where you are so I feel having walked a mile in those shoes I have a right to say get over it and quick

GORGEOUSX · 14/02/2011 21:25

Is there a chance he won't bring them back? I only ask because, obviously, it does happen. Is it something you need to consider?

PURPLESWAN · 14/02/2011 21:26

DH is a great Dad but I have to say 2 weeks with a 2 year old would have been a stretch even for him.

Does his GF have children - if not 2 weeks may also be a bit of a strain for her too!

On the basis of

  1. lax maintenance
  1. removal (over and above what is loosely termed "acceptAble" during term time - and I assume YOU will be the one to deal with any dissent from school)

3 the fact that he will therefore be unable to "help" out during school holidays (wtf it shouldnt be "your" problem only)

personally (to me) he sounds irresponsible/inconsiderate - so ideally id say NO but in the spirit of good relations at the most id compromise on the max of 1 week (if I HAD to)

StarExpat · 14/02/2011 21:26

I'm a teacher and I agree with you, magicjamas :)

Original poster
gordyslovesheep · 14/02/2011 21:26

Ivy I agree - honestly I do not discuss the Gf or say anything bad about her or him in front of the kids and would never do that - if they mention her or want to talk about her it's done in a nice friendly normal way - not through gritted teeth Grin

I will get over it - the missing them - but maybe not until next year when dd3 is 3 - please Grin

OP posts:
armywife1 · 14/02/2011 21:28

YANBU - I'm facing a similar situation with my two, 4 and just 3, and like you have concerns that they are too young to be away from their home, familiar surroundings, and me for so long. Once abroad its not as if they could come home if they were unsettled. Perhaps it would be better to stay in the UK whilst they are so young? As for the girlfriend - you are only human, I'd be unimpressed too!! Others are bound to disagree though - good luck!

EricNorthmansMistress · 14/02/2011 21:30

Gorgeousx Hmm

Original poster
gordyslovesheep · 14/02/2011 21:30

she has 2 girls aged 18 and 16 - so no little ones so it might be a bit much for 2 weeks

I have no worries about abduction - he's lovely but he would happily hand them back after 2 weeks - he's not the most family centred man and they drive him nuts after a day

I am just so used to having them here - he lives with his parents and can't/wont have the kids to stay - so they are never away from me for more than a day (except the odd over night trip)

I am being silly I know - I hate being wussy!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 14/02/2011 21:31

actually dd2 was 2 years old, nearly two and a half when she went away for two weeks with her dad - she stuck to me like glue for the next month - hardly ever letting me out of her sight.

he has only taken her away again last summer and riuned that for her by bad mouthing me the whole time - she was glad to get home ad have some peace Sad

there was me thinking great a holdiay after 9 years!

iyt is a hard one as if you stop them you will be the big bad one - but if they go then it will have its own problems.

I came to the conclusion in the end whatever I did I would be the big bad one so I jsut got on with things and did say no to stuff i thought would have a negative effect on the two dc we have. Sad

hard though

magicjamas · 14/02/2011 21:32

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PURPLESWAN · 14/02/2011 21:35

It really doesnt sound like he is cut out for having 3 children for 2 weeks - honestly I dont think you are being unreasonable. He does sound like rights are wanted without thought of responsibilities.

GORGEOUSX · 14/02/2011 21:37

gordyslovesheep I don't think you are being silly - it is a long time for them to be away from you, at such young ages.

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2011 21:41

magicjamas -it puts it out of my reach to pay £150 for each week of the holidyas and then pay for a holiday abroad in the school temr - far cheaper to go on holidays in the school holidays as soon as you do that you save £300.

I go amping in france as the weather is good the pools are super and the ground is soft in an airbed but a lot cheaper form of holidyaing.

I think I am saying no as i know how thoughtless this is, having been on the other end of this type of thing and the father oesn't even think about the dc care in the holdiays and will be happy to leave me to pay for it and he will then moan about not having the money to pay maintenence...which gets my goat

whilst I will pay for the holdiay club and go without myself.

magicjamas · 14/02/2011 21:46

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LegoStuckinmyhoover · 14/02/2011 21:48

definately no, on so many levels. no.

and you are not being unreasonable at all. i would not allow it. besides which, the school wouldn't 'authorise it' either.

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2011 21:52

I know you did ask about the holiday care further down - that's what made me think that if OP's ex isn't paying maintenece he is a knob withholding money for the dc and messing on like that.

Sometimes I wonder if they mess on with maintence to be in control..?

To be fair I saw the thread and though why would OP stop the ex taking the dc on holiday - but read her post and changed my mind. I am all for dc going aborad and having great hols with their parents, grandparents etc.

but when a parnet doens't think about the consequences of their actions with money and child care it rangles - cause the other parent will be left to carry the can alone, where is shoudl be shared responsability

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2011 21:53

Not if you go after the 21st August it doesn't Wink

magicjamas · 16/02/2011 08:45

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ensure · 16/02/2011 08:56

I don't think yabu at all. One week in October would be better all round. I think settling in in September is important at 7 and 9.

twilight3 · 16/02/2011 10:00

what exactly do you mean "let him"? Do you own the children and are asking for opinions on whether you should allow their father to borrow them??
Sorry but the title realy bothered me.

Now, I think that the only bit that YANBU about is the school holidays childcare arrangement, you should discuss that on a new basis and come to an agreement.

Flights to Turkey are really cheap, could his new partner be paying for it? Plus it's two weeks during which you won't have to feed the children/keep the whole house warm/spend money on petrol for school-activity runs etc.

If the 2yo sees their dad every day then they'll absolutely fine away from their mum, just like they'd be fine away from their dad.

However I'm generally opposed to holidays during term-time