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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my husband to collect the children when he is supposed to/be at home when they get in from school?

96 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:14

This has a long history. He "gets bogged down in his work" and "doesn't notice the time." He left the children on their own at the swimming pool when they were 4 and 6 after their lesson and forgot to collect them. When I realised he hadn't picked them up, I flew off to get them, by which time they had been there on their own for two hours.

Fast forward a few years, to the after school club. He worked 5 minutes from the school, and just got later and later, after the 6.00 deadline to collect them. "Oh they were fine about it/they didn't mind" he said. We then got the bill for enforcement of late fees - 5 pounds for every five minutes. Bill of over 400 pounds late fees in one month. I insisted this should come out of his account, in the hope that it would hit him where it hurt. And it did. He got a lot better after that.

Last week, he called me at 6.45. He was supposed to have been home at 4.15 when the DDs got home. He had just remembered. Fortunately we had a lovely houseguest staying, and she was there and let them in. But it shouldn't have been for her to do this.

He works from home most of the time, but when he goes into the office, he can't have his mobile on, and hotdesks, so I never know his number. So basically, I can't get hold of him, unless I email him, and it's hit and miss if he reads the email. I also don't think a grown man should be told "please remember to collect the girls from the school bus."

I am getting increasingly fed up with this. I don't feel that I can trust him to collect the girls on time (we have also had a couple of occasions when the bus driver has had to wait until I one of us get to the bus because he is running late. I just want him to take a bit more responsibility. Any ideas how? The DDs are now 12 and 10 - I could give DD1 a key, but she often comes home on a later bus than DD2, so that wouldn't solve the problem entirely.

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FreudianSlippery · 13/02/2011 20:17

Shock how the fuck does it happen so often? Crazy.

Is he this disorganised in other areas or is this a freak blind spot?

Eglu · 13/02/2011 20:20

YANBU. His behaviour seems like he doesn't care about his kids at all.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:20

He quite likes delegating responsibility to me - "what have we got my brother for his birthday?" "Have we got everything the DDs need for their school trip?"

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zandy · 13/02/2011 20:20

Give them both a key, or find a decent hiding place where the girls can find it when necessary.

He's not going to improve any now they are getting older, is he.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:21

I often feel that if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. But I have a busy and stressful job and work long hours. I can't just swan off in the middle of the afternoon to collect the girls. This was the whole point of him working from home.

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FabbyChic · 13/02/2011 20:22

They are old enough now to both have keys, and old enough to be left on their own for a few hours.

They weren't before they are now.

Educate them on being home alone.

If there are any problems blame your husband.

princessparty · 13/02/2011 20:24

I don't understand why they need collecting now from the school bus if they are 12 and 10???

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:25

Trouble is, the bus driver is not allowed to let DD2 go home on her own. Fine if DD1 is with her, otherwise she gets taken back to school and one of us has to collect her from there. Which brings its own set of problems.

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OhForBoonessSake · 13/02/2011 20:25

sounds like he reeeaally needs to re-address his priorities. and i dont mean his priorities in life, i mean, each day he needs to wake up and plan out his day so that when it is his turn to be home, he makes it happen, sets alarms, reminders etc. this is not acceptable.

NinjaCuckoo · 13/02/2011 20:25

Send him to work with an alarm clock secretly packed in his briefcase, set for the appropriate 'reminder' time.

If nothing else it will scare the shit out of him Grin

hester · 13/02/2011 20:25

Is he like this in other areas of his life? Is he like this in his own work? If not, he is clearly resisting taking responsibility in parenthood. I don't know what can be done at this stage, as it's been going on so long. Counselling? Grit your teeth and think it's only another couple of years?

How much is it getting you down, Schadenfreude? Is it becoming a big issue in your relationship? (It would be a HUGE issue for me, btw, but I don't want to assume...) Once the girls are older, will it still be an issue because it will surface in other areas?

OTTMummA · 13/02/2011 20:26

Fuck a Duck!

Shock
hester · 13/02/2011 20:27

I'm doubting he is just disorganised; there's something deeper going on here, isnt' there?

PaperView · 13/02/2011 20:27

Why can't he set an alarm?

You either work or you are there picking up your kids.... I have to remind my DH an it really pisses me off.

Bogeyface · 13/02/2011 20:28

I would be fuming, but to solve the problem at least in the short term, he can have a pager surely?

One that can vibrate and he doesnt need to "answer" but will remind him that it is now time to pick them up?

SandStorm · 13/02/2011 20:28

Get yourself an after school nanny and make him pay for it. See if that focusses his mind.

shakey1500 · 13/02/2011 20:29

YANBU at all. There must be a solution that absolves him from this (obviously it's ridiculous that it even has to come to that, agree with the pp who said it doesn't sound like it's going to change)

The "what have we got xyz for birthday etc etc" would piss me right off to be honest. I'd be inclined to down tools or plead ignorance.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:31

He could set an alarm on his computer. But he can't have any electronic devices in his office, so no pager, mobile phone etc. He has alarms set on his phone to remind him when he is working from home. It really pissed me off last week. I had specifically said to him to remember to be home for 4.15, and he got quite arsey. Sometimes I suspect he would like to be the breadwinner and have me at home...

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MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:35

Oh and I resolutely don't "do" his family birthdays. If it's that important to him, he can send something. Not me.

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OhForBoonessSake · 13/02/2011 20:39

i think what you need to do is sit down with him and tell him that ashe is aware, his method of 'remembering' about teh girls isn't working and that he needs to work out a definite solution. you could suggest that he writes in his diary the times that he needs to be home and that he checks it every morning when he arrives at work and sets the alarm on his pc. he is going to have to take responsibility for this or as someone suggested, hire a nanny and make him pay.

tabulahrasa · 13/02/2011 20:40

I'm really failing to understand how you can forget that your children come home at the same time every day

or lose track of time for 2 and a half hours Hmm

CMOTdibbler · 13/02/2011 20:43

Does he have an Outlook calendar at work ? My friend (who is a bit of a get immersed in things person) has hers set to remind her to leave the office and pick her kids up. Another sends her dh meeting requests when he needs to be home for the children

CrispyCakeHead · 13/02/2011 20:45

YANBU

but I don't undestand why you can't phone his main office number; reception will surely know which desk he's working from and be able to transfer calls to him as I doubt he goes the whole day there without receiving any calls.

Aside from it all sounding a bit off to me; what if there was a real emergency which meant you didn't have time to email him? how would you get hold of him then?

He is being irresponsible as a parent and needs an ultimatum imo

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/02/2011 20:55

Surely his hot desk has a phone?

We used to hot desk where I worked before DCs - and we logged into the phone on our desk and all calls were routed through. Surely they have a similar system?

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 21:01

His hotdesk does have a phone. But I have no idea of the number and no way of finding out. He works remotely - his office is in another country, and he is "allowed" to use this hotdesk in the office's HQ here. But he has nothing to do with the office work - not on any phone lists, and to be frank, apart from security knowing he is there, no-one would know where in the building he was. I could call his UK office and ask them if they knew his number, I guess, but that looks pretty dim.

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