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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to collect the children when he is supposed to/be at home when they get in from school?

96 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:14

This has a long history. He "gets bogged down in his work" and "doesn't notice the time." He left the children on their own at the swimming pool when they were 4 and 6 after their lesson and forgot to collect them. When I realised he hadn't picked them up, I flew off to get them, by which time they had been there on their own for two hours.

Fast forward a few years, to the after school club. He worked 5 minutes from the school, and just got later and later, after the 6.00 deadline to collect them. "Oh they were fine about it/they didn't mind" he said. We then got the bill for enforcement of late fees - 5 pounds for every five minutes. Bill of over 400 pounds late fees in one month. I insisted this should come out of his account, in the hope that it would hit him where it hurt. And it did. He got a lot better after that.

Last week, he called me at 6.45. He was supposed to have been home at 4.15 when the DDs got home. He had just remembered. Fortunately we had a lovely houseguest staying, and she was there and let them in. But it shouldn't have been for her to do this.

He works from home most of the time, but when he goes into the office, he can't have his mobile on, and hotdesks, so I never know his number. So basically, I can't get hold of him, unless I email him, and it's hit and miss if he reads the email. I also don't think a grown man should be told "please remember to collect the girls from the school bus."

I am getting increasingly fed up with this. I don't feel that I can trust him to collect the girls on time (we have also had a couple of occasions when the bus driver has had to wait until I one of us get to the bus because he is running late. I just want him to take a bit more responsibility. Any ideas how? The DDs are now 12 and 10 - I could give DD1 a key, but she often comes home on a later bus than DD2, so that wouldn't solve the problem entirely.

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 14/02/2011 07:05

If he's hotdesking and working remotely, he will have a phone extension which will be routed through to whichever desk he sits at. No need to call reception - just ask him for it. Then give the number to your daughters and tell them to call him if he's late, even by a second.

I agree though, that there's still an underlying problem which is that he isn't taking responsibility for his children. Is he genuinely forgetful (managed by taking 5 minutes to set his calendar for the week on a Monday morning), or more busy/stressed than you think, or is this some form of power struggle because he doesn't want to be the SAHD? You need to have a conversation with him and work out what the underlying reason is before you can solve it together.

Foxinsocks · 14/02/2011 07:10

Yes I see that but she said further down that she thought that it seemed as though he wanted to be the breadwinner and have her at home - MrsS, if that is the reason for his behaviour, I I think it would piss me off even more than just the forgetfulness.

Am I remembering wrong or did you fairly recently move abroad for your job or was that someone else?

Besides his idiotic behaviour and not seeing the consequences, is there a case to be made for needing extra childcare anyway if he isn't always working from home?

Foxinsocks · 14/02/2011 07:14

I really feel for you actually. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you trying to work and worry about all the other responsibilities too, let alone how the dcs must feel. Have you told him how this makes you feel?

Blatherskite · 14/02/2011 07:15

I'd get the girls to ask him why he is always late. If they can manage tears all the better. I think emotional black mail might be the only way of getting through to him. Selfish git

swallowedAfly · 14/02/2011 07:15

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StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 07:16

OK 1 solution wouod be for him to email you his phone number every morning - then he is contactable.

But, in the spirit of not letting him off the hook....
could you tell all his colleagues, therefore he will be reminded and embarrassed in one go? :o

swallowedAfly · 14/02/2011 07:19

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StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 07:31

"if he was a single woman he'd have social services knocking on the door."

extremely good point, and it's only the fact the OP is very apologetic and picks up the slack that prevents this

FourArms · 14/02/2011 07:41

Could you put an alarm on his computer calendar which recurrs each week day? A watch with an alarm?

Sympathies... my DH has been known to behave in a similar way if in work. Although in his defence Confused it's a once in a blue moon occurrance that he is the duty parent. 99.9% of the time I pick them up.

needafootmassage · 14/02/2011 08:09

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VivaLeBeaver · 14/02/2011 08:19

Can you set the alarm clock on his mobile phone - so every morning before he goes to work you set the alarm for 4:00pm or whatever time he needs to leave. Tell him what you have done and how he must pack up and leave the minute it goes off.

VivaLeBeaver · 14/02/2011 08:21

Ah - just seen he can't have his mobile on. Well I can't have mine on at work either but I put it on vibrate and put it in my pocket. If he had it on vibrate it would vibrate when the alarm went off. If it was in his pocket or on the desk he'd notice it.

gorionine · 14/02/2011 08:22

Can you set the alarm clock on his mobile phone - so every morning before he goes to work you set the alarm for 4:00pm or whatever time he needs to leave. Tell him what you have done and how he must pack up and leave the minute it goes off.

OP stated several times that her DH could not have anything electronic around when working. That includes mobile phones. More to the point if he could have a mobile around, surely as an adult he would not need OP to set the alarm up for him?

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 08:27

if he works at a computer he needs to get into the habit of checking the time every time he moves away from his screen - whether to make a drink , visit the toilet or just have a stretch.
But as an adult he shouldn't need someone else to tell him this! Does he miss meetings?

DuplicitousBitch · 14/02/2011 08:34

this has been going on for 6 years, he isn't going to change is he? so either you accept he is useless at this sort of thing and make alternative arrangements or tell him to eff off.

ensure · 14/02/2011 08:49

It sounds really annoying. What on earth does he say to justify himself?

Snuppeline · 14/02/2011 09:01

I would print out new stories of parents who have got into trouble with the law in one way or another recently because of leaving young(ish) children home alone or by busy roads etc etc. However, I'd only do that to prove my reason to find a good child minder to pick your dd's up from school. Clearly this has been going of for way too long and your dd's deserve some stability. Imagine leaving a 10 or 12 year old for hours waiting around. In that time they can play at home, do their home work and have a healthy after school snack. Surely that sort of stability is more important than trying to get this dick to step up to the plate as a father? Don't let your dd's be a pawn in a game to prove a point to your dh. He clearly doesn't get it anyway.

If this is a recent change I would get his brain scanned for any tumors, signs of stroke or alzheimers. He might be very ill indeed. If he's always been this way I'm sure there are more underlying problems. Your dh sounds like he's sick in his own way to me and you need to ensure that his irresponsibility doesn't hurt your girls.

RobynLou · 14/02/2011 09:08

my parents were both a bit like this, I used to often sit for an hour or so waiting to be picked up Sad It was really horrible and embarrassing. I hope you can figure out a way to stop this happening for your girls' sakes.

FoiledAgain · 14/02/2011 09:15

I'm afraid he just doesn't see childcare as his responsibility. When he does remember he probably sees it as a favour to you.

God knows what you do about though.

HelloOutThere · 14/02/2011 09:35

What does matter to him MrsS?

If you can find something to affect HIM personally - like you said about the fines for those extra 5 mins he was late picking them up - then at least it might get through.

I suggest every time he is late, he pays some kind of fine that bebfits you and the children. A meal out, HE takes them swimming/cinema, whatever it is you anf the dds get some kind of benefit if he refuses to mature.

thekidsmom · 14/02/2011 10:12

Mrs S , I dont think he's going to change.

I would suggest you find a way to work around him...

And I agree that he SHOULD be remembering his children and I'm aghast that he doesnt, but I have one not too dissimilar myself and the only peace of mind I ever had was to put in plac eother arranagements (friends dropping off, kids with key, and CMs)

swallowedAfly · 14/02/2011 11:11

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AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 11:12

how utterly soul destroying to have a partner you cannot trust with your children

it makes you wonder...just what is the point?

if he is available but still you have to employ another responsible adult to fulfil his responsibilities, my best suggestion is that you factor him out of your life too

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 11:14

does he miss work meetings / deadlines?
If not, that says a lot about his motivation and priorities

swallowedAfly · 14/02/2011 11:22

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