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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to collect the children when he is supposed to/be at home when they get in from school?

96 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/02/2011 20:14

This has a long history. He "gets bogged down in his work" and "doesn't notice the time." He left the children on their own at the swimming pool when they were 4 and 6 after their lesson and forgot to collect them. When I realised he hadn't picked them up, I flew off to get them, by which time they had been there on their own for two hours.

Fast forward a few years, to the after school club. He worked 5 minutes from the school, and just got later and later, after the 6.00 deadline to collect them. "Oh they were fine about it/they didn't mind" he said. We then got the bill for enforcement of late fees - 5 pounds for every five minutes. Bill of over 400 pounds late fees in one month. I insisted this should come out of his account, in the hope that it would hit him where it hurt. And it did. He got a lot better after that.

Last week, he called me at 6.45. He was supposed to have been home at 4.15 when the DDs got home. He had just remembered. Fortunately we had a lovely houseguest staying, and she was there and let them in. But it shouldn't have been for her to do this.

He works from home most of the time, but when he goes into the office, he can't have his mobile on, and hotdesks, so I never know his number. So basically, I can't get hold of him, unless I email him, and it's hit and miss if he reads the email. I also don't think a grown man should be told "please remember to collect the girls from the school bus."

I am getting increasingly fed up with this. I don't feel that I can trust him to collect the girls on time (we have also had a couple of occasions when the bus driver has had to wait until I one of us get to the bus because he is running late. I just want him to take a bit more responsibility. Any ideas how? The DDs are now 12 and 10 - I could give DD1 a key, but she often comes home on a later bus than DD2, so that wouldn't solve the problem entirely.

OP posts:

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 14/02/2011 11:29

I'd be worried that if you gave yours kids a key each he would disengage entirely from any responsibility to be there for him.
Sorry no positive suggestions at the moment - I'm quite gob smacked by his lack of responsibility in this really important part of his life.

How about he set's alarms/reminders on his phone???

thekidsmom · 14/02/2011 13:21

is your name tongue in cheek 'thekidsmom'? i mean are you being ironic?

Not intentionally, swallowedAfly?

I have a RL name too - I chose that name long ago on another forum when the kids were much younger and that seemed ot be the extent of my requirements at the time....

swallowedAfly · 14/02/2011 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare · 14/02/2011 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImFab · 14/02/2011 19:44

YANBU at all and I would be fuming if my dh did this.

thekidsmom · 15/02/2011 12:12

Thanks for thinking of me swallowedAfly but I didnt think on it that deeply!

It wasnt until I saw all the wonderful names on here that I thought I could probably do with being a bit more creative

carabos · 15/02/2011 12:16

Sounds like he's pulling your leg. I don't believe that anyone goes into a hot-desking office and doesn't have a phone they can log into and the point about hot desking these days is that most people use their mobiles anyway. Ask him how clients or colleagues get in touch with him and make sure you use the same methods. What would happen in an emergency?

blackeyedsusan · 15/02/2011 12:31

If you have number for work, whether it is his or not, i would give it to school and they can ring him at work. All the better if someone from work has to go looking for him and embarress him with the message.

swallowedAfly · 15/02/2011 13:30

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fedupofnamechanging · 15/02/2011 13:44

He has routinely neglected the children and doesn't seem to give a fuck about family life. Begs the question, just what is he good for? Tbh, you are really lucky that someone hasn't called social services, especially with the swimming pool incident. You could lose your children.

He knows that this is serious and that he is causing you great stress by being utterly unreliable, but the bare bones of it are that he just doesn't care enough to change his behaviour.

You shouldn't have to be thinking for him and it is a fundamental basic requirement in parenting that you remember to collect your DC.

I would get both an after school nanny/CM and a divorce.

kittybuttoon · 15/02/2011 13:49

A business HQ of an internatonal company with no phones on the desks? No mobiles or pagers allowed? No possible way of contacting him while he's there except if he 'happens to remember' to check his email?

Sorry, OP, but sounds like you might be a little too trusting.

Why not pay the office a little visit when he is supposed to be there.

walesblackbird · 15/02/2011 13:54

My husband hot desks - but still always has the name direct phone number. You just have to log in when you get to the office. Does your dh have a work or personal mobile? I don't know of any office where you're expected to turn your phone off? Silent or meeting mode possibly - but still contactable?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2011 17:02

walesblackbird - yes that is what I was trying to describe further up the thread. That even though you hotdesk, you log into the phone and therefore your phone number remains the same regardless of where you are working.

MrsS - if he doesn't have a phone, and only occasionally remembers to check his work e-mail - how exactly does he do his job, how do his colleagues contact him?
If you are working remotely from your team (which you have described that he is) then phone and e-mail contact are vital and frequent IME.
I think kitty may have hit the nail on the head, and that maybe you need to check up on him a little

skybluepearl · 15/02/2011 17:52

i think you should show him this this thread. he really must take responsibility for his children. can't he set an alarm for himself?

Original poster

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/02/2011 19:47

Kitty - of course he has a bloody phone on the desk! He calls his office and tells them which extension he is on when he arrives. He just doesn't tell me.

For the last time, HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A MOBILE PHONE IN THE OFFICE. OR ANY ELECTRONIC DEVICE. It is not unusual - commercial confidentiality, security, bugging - can think of numerous reasons why not. And he CANNOT LOG INTO A HOTDESK PHONE. The hotdesk offices are for anyone to use - visitors from overseas, regional offices etc. He does not work for this office, they are kind enough to let him have a desk, phone and computer. That is all. You pitch up, you grab whatever desk and phone are available.

And I know where he works because I work from there sometimes myself. I just have to tramp all over the bloody building trying to find him if he won't answer my emails. Oh and he answers work emails, no problem. Because that is WORK and therefore IMPORTANT.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 15/02/2011 20:14

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Message withdrawn

BarbarianMum · 15/02/2011 20:29

He is taking the piss.

Dh is often late to all sorts of things cause he gets engrossed/waylaid at the office but not once has he failed to collect the children on the occasions he has been asked to do so. Because he knows they, above all else, are more important than work and I'd kill him.

OP YANBU but I don't think it'll be easy to change.

CrispyCakeHead · 15/02/2011 20:35

I think you need to lay down the law to him a bit; he is being totally selfish and irresponsible. Has he even considered what might happen if you needed to contact him in an emergency? kids or you taken seriously ill? or his parents? You need to have this discussion with him.

and if I were you, I would be calling HIS office and asking them for the extension number if he sees fit to pass it on to them, and then giving him a bloody earful on it.

or alternatively, take the kids off out for tea one night, switch off your mobile and then swan in several hours after he gets home from work to a dark and empty house with an implausible "couldn't get to phone" excuse; see how he likes to be kept in the dark.

QueenOfTheNight · 15/02/2011 21:01

Well I could go on and say that I have never heard of such a set up where someone isn't allowed a mobile phone in the office - which I haven't. Not even at GCHQ by the way. And I could ask why he goes into the office when he is given such basic office support? Why not just work from home all the time?

But OP you've said all that needs to be said. He won't tell you his phone number when he goes to the office, won't answer your emails and doesn't appear to give a shit about you or his kids. And this has been going on for years. I'd have kicked his arse into touch by now, sorry. I would find his behaviour totally disrespectful and it would have killed the relationship for me.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2011 21:50

Well if he is seeing the e-mails from you and just not responding then that is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever heard.

Why are you still together? What does he add to your life?

PoweredbyTea · 15/02/2011 22:16

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Am really sorry for you OP. Despite your post above I just wouldn't accept the 'no phones or electronic devices' rule unless he was either a surgeon or working for MI6. It sounds like he doesn't make it to collect the children because he doesn't want to. With modern technology there are numerous ways he could remind himself to be on time if he really wanted to - even if it is 100% true that he can't have his mobile phone on he could always remove his watch and put it next to himself on the desk so he can see the time! There's just no excuse IMO.

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