Is it me? I mean, is it really me???

[Loonytoonie]

I don't want to start what seems a DH bashing thread - but I really have no one else to rant to.

I've just bathed the children, youngest (2) really needed her hair washed but hasn't quite got the hang of holding her head up to avoid soap and water running into her eyes. I called DH up for a team effort and I bundled her up, supported her neck and let DH do the hair washing. DD was giggling away at this point then DH just flung a load of soapy bubbles into her eyes out of carelessness. I reacted, DD screamed in pain and DH went up the wall at me.

Seems pretty run of the mill, I know, but DH's reaction is to shout at me, call me nasty, tell me to shut my mouth. I'm so confused. It seems every argument goes this way; I react to something he says or does (am pretty calm in nature but will no longer be a pushover) but pointing something he's done out to him just gets thrown back at me in anger with a lot of shouting and nastiness in the meantime. He's a pretty controlling character (is a head of a small secondary school and stays in this role be it at home or at work).

So, children and I are quiet and confused while he's seething in his study and ignoring all of us.

Sorry if I'm sounding like a whinger. Am feeling really flat and know that the next 48 hrs or so is going to be another silent treatment from him. Please give me a slap if I deserve one? I know that you'll all be honest with me.

he sounds like a right catch

He sounds a control freak... who likes his bit of power. Tell him to leave his job at the garden gate and come home as a dad and a husband, not your boss or your kids teacher.

Sounds like he completely overreacted tbh. Can you take him a cup of tea and have an honest chat? Something may be bothering him (work?) to make him regularly blow up like this.

Was it carelessness or an accident?

I'd rather give him the slap, to be honest. If he sulks for 2 days just because you criticised him, he needs to be doing a bit of thinking. He sounds like a bit of a bully.

He sounds like a dick, he should have apologised to your daughter for being so careless.

Cockend.

Agree with squeakytoy. Cant stand sulking, that would drive me to distraction.
Do you think you can have a proper conversation about this as some point as it sounds not a great deal of fun to live with this atmosphere?

On reading your post, it seems like you reacted before your daughter did, and therefore your husband maybe thought that you had caused her to "react" to your reaction if you know what I mean.

Does that make any sense whatsoever?

Anyhow, what I'm meaning to say is, do you normally criticise him in front of the children? Has he got a point?

I have a few friends who are total control freaks when it comes to the children, and if things aren't done their way they do tend to create situations.

"I reacted"

How did you react?

I know that if I called my DH in to help with what is really a mundane, messy and shouty job and then told him off then he would probably get miffed too.

Why don't you wash her hair alone? Or let him do it?

And how did you react when she got soap in her eyes?

You don't deserve a slap, although the bubbles thing could have happened to most of us, and "I reacted" could mean lots of things.

But that doesn't warrant shouting/name calling. You sound very unhappy - Relate, either with him or without, might help get things clearer in your mind re how you want to continue.

There is no reason that would justify his behaviour. You're not whinging.

I was always the one who gave my husband the silent treatment, but because he hates it, he used to win me around by asking what was wrong and if there was anything he could do? And now when we argue, we go cool off and put it down to stress and move on. Maybe ur husband finds it hard to leave his work, at work. It sounds like a pretty high pressured job to me. He probably needs you to be positive! We all like "a bit of toffee" now and then, wouldnt it be great to recapture each other? He maybe giving u the silent treatment, but its not gonna kill u to go in there and make him smile about something!! You obviously love him, go and show him why he loves u 2! lol

He sounds like a bully to you and your DC, I hope to god my DS doesn't go to his school...what area are you in? Roughly?

You are not whinging, I don't know how long this king of behaviour has been going on but I think you need to address it asap.
If you were the one doing the hair washing and you accidentally got shampoo in the eyes whould you have gone off on one at him?

Judge him by your standards as a mother. As a father, he ought to measure up.

Reading your post, I realised I was nodding away. My DP reacts like this too. It's awful, isn't it?

He's feeling guilty and taking it out on you

A bit of an aside but have you tried one of those shampoo hat things that shields the kids eyes from the bubbles; if they keep it on

Agree with the relate suggestion. Tell him you are going alone if he doesn't agree to go with you. It's better than continuing as things are.

I'm so sorry, my typing and spelling is shitey in the extreme. I blame it on having nails for the first time in oatcakes.

The bath incident seems like a big fuss over not very much in itself but sounds like there is a lot more going on under the surface between you and your DH. You did ask him to help and then criticised him - is this something you do a lot? silent treatment is childish and counter-productive on his part. sounds like you both need to address wider issues.

Sorry for the awol - littlest one woke.

I've read all your replies and am grateful to each and everyone of you. To those that have asked questions of my reaction, you've certainly given me something to think about.

I did yell at him "Watch her eyes!" I think - more of a call for him to notice, rather than a put down, but again, I did ask him to come up and help. To be totally honest, I do find myself questioning the things he's done with the children, so I really need to stop doing that.

I did yell before DD reacted too....

sigh Looks like I've some humble pie to eat. I think I'm probably at the end of a very long tether at the moment - work issues and feeling like I'm not getting much support from DH, so this is probably a symptom. DH is controlling and reacts extremely badly from people trying to tell him what to do. As his wife, do I tread carefully around this (as I have done in x years, or tell him firmly to snap out of it? I don't know....).

As for the hair washing - I rarely do it because little one has eczema on her face and head, but tonight was unavoidable - the halo thingie her older brother uses has fallen apart.

Thanks again for your input everyone.

I do it too...yell at DH when I think he's being clumsy or rough...we've talked about it and I try hard to not do it.

It can feel like theyre put upon when we react badly at their "Dad-ness"....by that I mean that they're often not as gentle as us...but they can'thelp it really.
Because of DDs eczma you are more sensitive about it all and probably want it all over and done with...

Buy a new halo shield asap!

Have you thought about talking things over with a relate counsellor - if you both went and talked you may both see what the other sees is you see what I mean! You don't have to be splitting up to go! Might be good to have an impartial outsider who can help
You both x