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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? I mean, is it really me???

56 replies

Loonytoonie · 13/02/2011 19:37

I don't want to start what seems a DH bashing thread - but I really have no one else to rant to.

I've just bathed the children, youngest (2) really needed her hair washed but hasn't quite got the hang of holding her head up to avoid soap and water running into her eyes. I called DH up for a team effort and I bundled her up, supported her neck and let DH do the hair washing. DD was giggling away at this point then DH just flung a load of soapy bubbles into her eyes out of carelessness. I reacted, DD screamed in pain and DH went up the wall at me.

Seems pretty run of the mill, I know, but DH's reaction is to shout at me, call me nasty, tell me to shut my mouth. I'm so confused. It seems every argument goes this way; I react to something he says or does (am pretty calm in nature but will no longer be a pushover) but pointing something he's done out to him just gets thrown back at me in anger with a lot of shouting and nastiness in the meantime. He's a pretty controlling character (is a head of a small secondary school and stays in this role be it at home or at work).

So, children and I are quiet and confused while he's seething in his study and ignoring all of us.

Sorry if I'm sounding like a whinger. Am feeling really flat and know that the next 48 hrs or so is going to be another silent treatment from him. Please give me a slap if I deserve one? I know that you'll all be honest with me.

OP posts:
jenga079 · 13/02/2011 20:37

I second Kitty and MsKlo. Go to the study, take him a cup of tea, try to get a hug or at least a squeezed hand off him tonight so that you both feel calmer. Then broach the Relate suggestion in a few days when you can talk neutrally. If that fails... Wine

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 13/02/2011 20:55

Thank you all so much, you all make huge sense. I've diffused the situation and apologised - I think you've made me realise that, for whatever reasons I have, I do tend to criticise. I find it incredibly hard not to at times, possibly because I have to constantly ask for help and that I'm constantly tired (lol, who isn't?).

Anyway, great support here and I'm feeling a lot more rational now. Many thanks x

OP posts:
MsKLo · 13/02/2011 20:59

Glad you feel better and you are not alone

Having young kids and remembering to communicate well is really hard and we have all been in shitty arguments with our spouses! You could both work on some things and I really think a few meetings with an impartial advisor could help you both

Let us know how you get on! X

Tical · 13/02/2011 21:01

Aghast at some of the advie you've been given Sad

You dont tell your wife to 'shut her mouth' Ever. It's not right, it's not normal. My husband would never speak to me like this. It's just unacceptable. And now you are bringing him tea..?

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 13/02/2011 21:11

I do agree with you Tical, it hurts when I'm spoken to like this. I will address this with DH but not now. When things are calmer and I'll talk to him about it and tell him that it's not on - I don't talk to him in the same way.

On the other hand, there are lots of issues in this marriage that need sorting - the balance of responsibilities are just one to mention - and it's this inbalance that exhausts me. I need more from him and instead of getting frustrated and extremely critical (which naturally winds him up a great deal), we need a proper plan of action. I don't like being spoken to like this and I shouldn't have to put up with it.

OP posts:
LittlePudding1 · 13/02/2011 21:20

this sounds exactly like me and oh tonight. I criticised his wording on an ebay advert and he went completely off on me calling me allsorts, resulted in a massive row - now I'm sitting in the kitchen on the computer and he's in the living room watching the film we were going to sit down and watch together.

Now after reading this thread I'm wondering whether I should go and try and make peace otherwise we might not speak for days :(

You are not alone

jenga079 · 13/02/2011 21:20

Tical, those of us suggesting a cup of tea or a hug aren't saying it's okay to shout at someone, but we're taking into account that it's getting late, both parties appear stressed out and surely it is better to calm a situation (and then deal with the deeper issues sensibly later) than to spend the rest of the evening seething.

Loony, I'm glad you're calmer. Good luck getting everything sorted.

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 13/02/2011 21:30

((hug)) LittlePudding1 - I feel for you. As others pointed out to me, how did you word your criticism? Was it so important that you couldn't let it go? Have a think on it, as I have done and if you think you were being a tad harsh (I don't know, just asking) then maybe a cup of tea/glass of wine and an apology will save you days of grief.

Just a thought. x

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 13/02/2011 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tical · 13/02/2011 21:49

Totally agree@Beer

Leaving a situation until the following day when things have calmed down is one thing.

But I just cannot get my head around people suggesting a woman brings her husband a nice cuppa after he has given her a mouthful of verbal abuse. He is not a hormonal teenager, he is a grown man. A father. A teacher, FGS. Where is his respect? His self control?

OP, I hope you are OK and that this situation can somehow be resolved long term. But I'm afraid I do find it shocking that a petty disagreement over bath time can lead to him calling you names / telling you to shut up. And just because it seems (sadly) common among other MN-ers, doesn't make it right.

NonnoMum · 13/02/2011 21:54

If any man (or woman) told me to "shut my mouth" I'd be bundling me and my kids out of there as soon as possible...

Disgusting language, especially in front of your kids. If he did it at work, he'd not get away with it. Why should he at home?

MsKLo · 13/02/2011 21:58

Of course no one is suggesting this is on and he needs to work on how he verbalised his frustrations of course he does and I am sure the op will address this in due course as it is totally not on for him to say things like that especially in front of the children. Good luck op x

willybreeder · 13/02/2011 22:10

Er, read this thread with interest and think all emotional stuff has been covered, just wanted to say that my little one has eczema too and best shampoo's to use are SLS free (sodium laurel sulfate), sell them in Holland & Barrat
Smile Doesn't say on the bottle if they prevent arguements at bathtime though Wink

lospollos · 13/02/2011 22:12

sounds a little immature , I would make not pander to the sulking been in similar sit. its a form of control bullying.

someone who behaves like this is emotionally immature, we all have raw reactions, and when he has lost control, e.g. being criticised the sometimes react by regressing to a childlike state e.g kicking off, sulking because the emotional develop. has not progressed past that point.

Sorry to go Dr Phil on you, call me out if im way off mark.

catinthehat2 · 13/02/2011 22:16

It's not difficult.

If you are unpleasant with no vagina, the person with a vagina has to placate you with a cup of tea.

If you are unpleasant with a vagina, you have to feel bad for days.

Got it?

Good.

grumpyhairbear · 13/02/2011 22:16

Of course you are not way off lospollos

I agree that relationship therapy could help

FunnysInTheGarden · 13/02/2011 22:17

He sounds like a dick, but on the other hand, surely you can wash your childs hair on your own? If she gets water and soap in her eyes, next time she may do as you ask and keep her head still while you wash her hair.

KangarooCaught · 13/02/2011 22:29

Next time this happens perhaps you could say: "Stop right there. How would you feel if someone could overhear you talking to me right now? What would you think if you walked past a man in the street saying these things to a woman? You're meant to love me best of all yet this is how you speak to me."

Think he needs a mirror holding up to his behaviour so he can see himself.

grumpyhairbear · 13/02/2011 22:31

That is brilliant kangaroo - I am going to use that if my dh is a shit to me!

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/02/2011 22:32

Nonno...really?? You would leave a relationship/marriage with the kids because a man told you to shut your mouth?

Full on.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/02/2011 22:33

Kangaroo gives good advice.

thenightsky · 13/02/2011 22:34

if a man told me to 'shut my mouth' I'm not sure how many days or weeks it would be before I could bring myself to speak to him again Shock

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/02/2011 22:36

Why? It's very rude yes...but it's not like vioence...it's words! Shut up! People often say that to their kids and partners dont they?

Why is "Shut your mouth" seen as worse? It's graphic...but hardly divorce material!

Onetoomanycornettos · 13/02/2011 22:38

There's no point in picking over this particular incident really, if it was a one-off you could chalk it up to stress all round, but it seems part of something bigger, which is a power imbalance in your relationship, and you tip-toeing around your husband. I think kangaroos' advice is good, you must challenge this but in a way that doesn't escalate things, I would think seriously if I could live like this as this is one of the things that gets me the most is if someone speaks to you with a complete lack of respect and in a nasty way. I have been on the receiving end of it and it's the one thing that would have me heading for the door (that and being criticized a lot).

There's only so long you can go on having cups of tea and apologising, he should also apologise and you don't sound that happy with the rest of the marriage, so either some counselling (by yourself or relationship) might help reset the balance in your relationship, or it might not- I don't know you so don't know the pluses in the situation to balance what is quite a large minus.

BeerTricksPotter · 13/02/2011 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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