... to ask here for advice...

[twilight3]

... on my niece's behalf? Because she's been asking for advice and I wasn't sure what to say, so we decided together to go after some Mumsnet wisdom.

DN is a young sinle mum of a 3yo boy, father moved abroad 2 years ago with new wife and now has twins, pays maintenance but no other word from him.

DN has very good relationship with his parents, they live 5'away and see them often, babysit for her etc. The boy has started asking about his father, and also about his siblings. The father's mother has pictures all over the house of all grandchildren, which includes DN's son as well as his half-siblings. We're pretty sure (but not certain) that her ex doesn't (and won't) speak to his other children about the boy. However the boy who knows all his other cousins (5 of them) that he sees on the wall keeps asking about those two babies. Also about his dad, where he is and why can't they go and see him. DN finds it heartbreaking.

She has managed to distract him the last couple of times, but he'll ask again.

What would you say???

i found being honest from the beginging helped, but my partner is in everyway bar blood my ds's father iykwim, but because i told him from young, it has never been an big deal, my son knew from about 2/3 he is now 6 and accepts it with no problems,

good luck for your neice x

should also say we told my ds that he was special because ex dp was his first daddy and dp is his second daddy and he was very lucky because he had 2 daddies (alothough he doesnt see his "father" because ds doesnt want to know him after trying) but ds knows he is special cause dp wanted/wants to be his daddy, i hope that makes sense x

It is bloody heartbreaking, your poor DN and her son

I don't have any experience of this sort of thing, but if I were your DN I would have to make some attempt to tell my ex that his SON is asking about his DADDY
I would make myself hard to ignore, I am sure it is easier said than done of course.

He is doing a terrible thing rejecting him in this way (as of course I sure you are all painfully aware) and playing a convienient game of 'out of sight, out of mind'. The consequences will last a lifetime.

This I do have experience of from my brother (different DD to me) and a friend whose exP also cut all contact from her DD.

If all else failed, I suppose I would go with the kindest age appropriate response I could. So at 3yrs, probably something along the lines of Daddy is far away and can't see us but he knows what a clever/kind/wonderful etc little boy you are.

Utterly wicked, cruel, selfish behaviour from your DN's ex

Glad he has his lovely relatives being so thoughtful and his paternal GPs maintaining a good relationship They must be mortified at their sons behaviour.

Sorry my post looks a bit mad, I meant my brother has a different dad to me! Is that DD, DF? Gawd I don't know! you probably knew what I meant

well, it is heartbreakin but DN puts a bit of blame on herself as well. They were not in love when they got pregnant, actually barely knew each other and she got all pg crazy and demanded for him to marry her. When he refused she made his life hell -moved very far away just to spite him, she'd refuse him access at the front door, after he'd traveled for two hours to see his son and other lovely things like that.

She now sees it more clearly and can't believe how she used her own son like this just because she was angry with her ex.

All the same though, there's now a little boy suffering and wondering...

What a sad situation twilight. Your last post turns everything on its head a bit.

Perhaps your DN could try to contact the father, either by letter or through his parents, to put the situation right. It's never easy to admit you were wrong, but if she can bring herself to apologise for denying him access there may be a happy outcome for her, her DS and his father.

Could she sound out the GP, they may know whether or not he would like contact with his son.

Good luck to your family

I know, she's done other things she's now admitting, like telling him that he doesn't deserve photos of things he's not there for as he should have just been there... Refusing to show him the baby's room when his own brother and sister had been shown around the new house etc.
She now realises that he wasn't bailing on his son, just not marrying someone he didn't love, but she hurt him many times and maybe in the end he lost interest...

Not that it is an excuse, you're not supposed to lose interest in your children, he should have fought more.

I don't know if he'd want to get in touch now though...
She still doesn't know what to say to her son about the new babies...

I'm a bit about the "he should have fought more." It sounds like she treated him appallingly and not just once but over and over again. Maybe it's not that he lost interest but he just realised that he was banging his head against a brick wall. Maybe he realised that no matter what he did, she would do everything she could do ruin any chance he had of building a relationship with his son.

As I said on your other thread in lone parents, she needs to apologise properly for her dreadful behaviour and then ask if there is any way they could move forward from this.

I know you're right... I'm just trying to find excuses...
The problem is, I think, that she has a network of other mums who fill her head with ideas like "it's your baby, you get the first say", "he doesn't deserve to see his son", "none of his business where you live" etc.

TBH even I have grown a bit tired of her fickleness in the last week since she came to me for advice... Has admitted being horrible to the father and the next day he's an abandoning b***d.

What of the boy though...