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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like an upset school girl

55 replies

legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 22:54

Hi

I am 40 year old happily married professional mother of 2 but recently I began to regress into a insecure 14 year old.

I am always sociable with people at work but since returning from mat leave I have felt very left out.

I frequently walk into to rooms and people stop talking. I work in a team of 5. I found out recently that one of the team had a birthday party that all the others in the team went to but it was never mentioned in front of me. Tonight they have all gone on a night out but they were careful not to mention it in front of me. I heard about tonight when the lady in phocopying asked if i was going.

The thing that upsets me so much is the avoiding talking about things in front of me. I am that annoying that they are terrified I might want to go? I just feel so isolated and left out and as I said in my oping line I have gone from a happy secure woman into feling like an insercure and awkward school girl over it all.

i suspect it would be social susicide (if things could get worse) to bring up how i feel with them.
Any advice?

OP posts:
dwpanxt · 11/02/2011 23:08

Yes. Don't bring up how you feel with them

But I wonder how this has come about if you had a good relationship with them before your ML.

I am wondering -and don't shoot me if I'm wrong- if you have turned into a (gosh, horror ) MummyShock and they don't know how you fit in with the social side of the team any more.

Maybe with the silences they are trying to 'save ' you from having to turn down outings -due to being a Mummy and all.

Perhaps with 1 child you managed to keep the home side of things under wraps and now -understandably- with a new baby its more all consuming???

Maybe you just need more fitting-back-in time and once again you will be comfortable colleagues.

Again -just my thoughts and probably completely off the mark.Blush

Original poster
legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 23:15

Thanks I have pondered this but I dont think it is the case. I really do not thin kI am mumsy.

I should point out that prior to mat leave I was not in a team with these women. I knew them - worked in the same building - got on well i thought with them. But while i was away there was some restructuring and I am now in a team with them.

I have been back from mat leave since june and made loads os effort with them but i just get the feeling they dont like me.

OP posts:
edam · 11/02/2011 23:16

That sounds horrible. They sound horrible. Cows.

AgentZigzag · 11/02/2011 23:23

I think I know what you mean, it's a kind of underlying current, nothing you could put your finger on specifically, but you know it's there.

Did you feel included when you were the happy secure woman?

Is it that because you felt secure you didn't give a shit what other people thought about you?

The only thing I can think of is to keep in mind that job atmospheres and situations always go in phases, and how you feel now about the people you work with will change, hopefully for the better in your case.

Original poster
legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 23:28

But that is the weird thing I dont think they are cows they are quite nice interesting women. It is just they seem very cliquey.

From june till sept I reassued myself it just takes a while to fit into a new team (although i have never had a problem in the past). but in oct a student joined the department on work experience and she was accepted straight away and is very much in the clique.

OP posts:
Original poster
legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 23:31

I am happy in my personal life but since going back to work i have found it difficult to juggle it all. I am part time, which i wonder if is a factor.

OP posts:
reinitindear · 11/02/2011 23:35

That sounds horrible a bit like being at a new school where you vaguely know the kids but not well enough to be included.How long have they been a team before you joined them and what ages are they? I only ask because they may be a group with tight bonds and young enough to not realise that others may feel excluded and need more than lip service.Do you feel confident enough to say something like" I hope you all had a great night out let me know next time as I would kill for a god piss up night out and dh will have the dcs

reinitindear · 11/02/2011 23:37

good sorry LordSmile

AgentZigzag · 11/02/2011 23:41

There was a thread on here not long ago where the OP was getting pissed off with the insinuation that because she worked P/T she was shirking at work when she wasn't there, and somehow taking the easy option looking after her DC.

I'm not saying that's the case with you, but she seemed to get a lot of remarks before she went home.

Catnao · 11/02/2011 23:41

Sounds a bit miserable, I'm sorry for you, as it is horrible to feel left out. Sad

Maybe you could try having a coffee with one of them at a break time to find a way in?

Hope it gets better for you.

Original poster
legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 23:42

theanks for taking the time to reply reinitindear.

NB they knew i would be keen to go out I had mentioned trying to organise a night out.

The group has worked together (other than the student about 4 years before I joined).

Manager - 29 a commited christain and often also left out of things also.

Wkr 1 - 29 - i think is the maim reason I am left out of things.

Wkr 2 - 25 - Best mates with worker 1

Part - 34ish - like me works 3 days a week, has kids

Student - 23

OP posts:
Original poster
legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 23:44

Wkr 1 & 2 and the student are all Irish. so they have a lot of common ground.

1 & 2 are going on holiday together this week.

OP posts:
Catnao · 11/02/2011 23:46

Sounds like 1 and 2 are your problem, if they are so tight together - maybe you could try and strike up friendship with part? Coffee just you two?

Original poster
legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 23:47

Worker 2 is the most approachable and i will frequently have coffee with her. BUT she is very much under a strange spell of worker 1. she seems in awe of her.

OP posts:
reinitindear · 11/02/2011 23:49

I would maybe suggest if at all possible inviting them round to yours on a pre text of a party? could be Body Shop, Pampered Chef or Ann Summers depending on their demographic.(If it is an option the dc's go to the gp's ) so you can totally relax a few glasses of Wine can break down a lot of barriersGrin.If they say no to this after you have suggested good dates for everyone then sadly they are not being unwittingly hurtful but are indeed as suggested earlier just bitches.Sad

Catnao · 11/02/2011 23:49

I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest really if 2 is such close friend with 1 - but i do hope it all gets better for you. Maybe manager, who is feeling left out too could be an ally?

Hope it gets easier.

reinitindear · 11/02/2011 23:51

Sorry it was cows not bitches (getting my animals mixed up)Grin

WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 23:54

I don't want to appear shallow but could they just think you're too old? I'm 38 btw....but I well remember beingin my late 20s and thinking people over 40 were old.

They've known each other ages....you're older...perhaps they see you as more straight laced and grown up?

cerealqueen · 11/02/2011 23:54

I think being part time is a factor, I've had this, got left out of team meetings, drinks etc as people forgot I existed or forgot what days I worked. It wasn't meant, just careless.
Are they all your peers, ie same level, similar ages?

reinitindear · 11/02/2011 23:55

Does 1 have any reason to feel threatened by you? by that I mean are you significantly better at the job than her?

cerealqueen · 11/02/2011 23:55

reinitindear great idea

WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 23:55

I second the suggestion of asking them to go to your house or for a night somewhere...

pigletmania · 11/02/2011 23:56

Dont get me wrong, but I have just seen their ages, that could be a big factor. They are all in their 20's and kind of a different generation, please dont take this the wrong way, they might feel a bit uncool hanging round with an older person. I am 33 btw and have lots of older friends, but these people might only want friends with the same age group.

cerealqueen · 11/02/2011 23:57

mmmm, just reading, the ages, wimple may be right?

reinitindear · 11/02/2011 23:59

Well I am honoured to have had a suggestion seconded by a member of the bar wimple and thanks cerealSmile

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