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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like an upset school girl

55 replies

legaleagle21 · 11/02/2011 22:54

I am 40 year old happily married professional mother of 2 but recently I began to regress into a insecure 14 year old.

I am always sociable with people at work but since returning from mat leave I have felt very left out.

I frequently walk into to rooms and people stop talking. I work in a team of 5. I found out recently that one of the team had a birthday party that all the others in the team went to but it was never mentioned in front of me. Tonight they have all gone on a night out but they were careful not to mention it in front of me. I heard about tonight when the lady in phocopying asked if i was going.

The thing that upsets me so much is the avoiding talking about things in front of me. I am that annoying that they are terrified I might want to go? I just feel so isolated and left out and as I said in my oping line I have gone from a happy secure woman into feling like an insercure and awkward school girl over it all.

i suspect it would be social susicide (if things could get worse) to bring up how i feel with them.
Any advice?

OP posts:

Catnao · 11/02/2011 23:59

Could be that - I hadn't thought of it - maybe they think you wouldn't want to go out with them for same reason?

pigletmania · 12/02/2011 00:00

We had a big team at work, but all the 'younger' people in the 20's early 30's, used to group together, and go clubbing, whilst the older ones were more concerned with their families, children, grandchildren, and did not joing them.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 00:02

Yes...it may be what Carnao says...not so much that they are not open to friendship but that they assume you won't be.

If you are....then the best you can do is to initiate something. If they don't take you up on it then bugger them!

They'll be crappy company anyway if they're not open to others.

reinitindear · 12/02/2011 00:04

Ages could be an issue but I have worked with a great range in my various jobs and have normally found that age was usually disregarded if everyone just got on and had "a laugh" I am now 37 and have in what I would consider my close circle a group that encompasses 19 to 56. I do however understand that they may have pre conceived ideas about "older" people.

pigletmania · 12/02/2011 00:06

This is a small team, and that might be the attitude going round it.

Original poster

legaleagle21 · 12/02/2011 00:10

Yes think wimple might be right.

I cant invite them to my house as they all live clsoe to work in city centre area and i live and hours drive away in the suburbs.

I am not superior to any of them just a bog standard worker. The only slight things I can think of with worker one are:

I was helpful to her when she first joined the organisation and was feeling isolated herself

In her spare time she is a special constable. My husband is a policeman - he does not know her throught the job but i wonder if the 'overlap' bothers her.

Maybe she just does not like me!!!

OP posts:

reinitindear · 12/02/2011 00:16

Well in that case.

She should be grateful

2.Maybe drop into conversation how your DH is now on a panel of deciding if Specials are doing a worthwhile job courtesy of Cameron/Clegg.(in a derogatory fashion of course

3.She can fuck off

piprabbit · 12/02/2011 00:20

Organise an evening out.
Afterwards, tell them how much you enjoyed it. Suggest that you do it again soon. Set another date.

Hopefully they will realise you are normal and start including you.

pigletmania · 12/02/2011 00:21

Why not suggest meeting up, or a night out and see how it goes. You also dont want to appear to be trying too hard, so suggest the night out/meet up and if it does not work out leave it at that. I would not worry about it, I know its hard but be pleasent to them and get on with work. Do you have friends outside work?

hmc · 12/02/2011 00:23

If it was me.....as long as you have a decent working relationship with them I wouldn't bother my arse with it. I am sure you have plently of none work friends.....

Original poster

legaleagle21 · 12/02/2011 00:24

See this is the thing for some school girly insercity it is that they just dont like me that bother me. I actally lie in bed thinking what i may have done to upset them. I drive to work determined to make an effort with them but wil get there and they are deep in conversation and dont even look up and say hello to me.

NB I know i could ignore all this but it is a bit much when i am in close contact with them 30 hours a week. And to be honest we dont have much staff turnover so i could see that being for the next 25 years!!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 12/02/2011 00:31

Well leagal, when you get there and they aer deep in conversation, say 'hello' and make conversation, push in a little. Do you just stand on the side looking in? Like hmc says as long as they are pleasent to you, and you have a decent working relationship than stuff the rest. They are obviously not for you, cant be friends with everyone. Is there one you get on iwth better, get to know them a bit.

pigletmania · 12/02/2011 00:34

Forget about work. If you met these people on a night at a party or something are they people that you would want to be friends with? If no forget it! If yes suggest after work drinks or meal. Try to get to know one that you get on with better.

reinitindear · 12/02/2011 00:36

You are right to feel it is too big to ignore.Work is such a big part of your life and even if you don't enjoy your job the upside will normally or hopefully be the people you work with.Also at 30m hours a week that is a bit more than part time where you can dip in and out of office politics.I know them coming to your house isn't possible but do you think maybe this is why they haven't asked as in but"legal" lives too far away and will not want to pay for a taxi back home.You said your dh is a police officer? they normally have fundraisers e which require a bit of glamming up if one is on the horizon drop it in and say tickets are scarce? They may not be able to resist.

mumpalumps · 12/02/2011 00:40

The only thing you can control is how you react\feel about them so remember that, sometimes by changing your responce to them it may change theirs to you.

You also mentioned that 1+2 were going on holiday together -why not take that opportunity to invite the others out to lunch\evening drinks and start building bridges with them - it may also give you an opportunity let them know you are interested in socialising.

Legaleagle just think of it this way they are missing out on getting to know a really lovely person and you are saving yourself from years of boredom listening to their witterings.

crystalglasses · 12/02/2011 00:41

Could you organise a team lunch in the office or a local restaurant to celebrate some event? you could always dream one up, like the 3/6/9 month anniversary of joining the team/your birthday or another ficticious event - even the Royal Wedding would do. It could be an icebreaker and help them see you as part of their circle.

tigerdriverII · 12/02/2011 00:42

Not sure what to suggest, but I be the age/children thing is at the heart of it. It's so easy to have assumptions about someone (which they are) without any basis. I had my son when I was 40, senior in the job, and noone would have thought I would have children so it was a bolt from the blue and changed some people's opinion of me. Most fine, one totally disastrous. I guess your life is v different from theirs. Maybe just be as civil etc etc in work as poss and form as much life outside work as possible.

I won't say here what was said to me by the disastrous one, but I might start a thread to see what reaction there was!

reinitindear · 12/02/2011 00:45

Tiger I will look out for your thread.

hmc · 12/02/2011 00:46

legal I don't know what to say to you.....Have some self belief and understand your intrinsic worth.

Perhaps you just don't 'fit' with them? That doesn't make you or them 'lesser' in any way.

There are lots of people who aren't for me and I assimilate very quickly that I'm not interested in pursuing a friendship with them and vice versa no doubt. That doesn't impact upon my self esteem one iota and I hope it doesn't impact upon theirs - there is no ill will involved. Different strokes for different folks etc

Please don't worry about it - you sound lovely btw

Original poster

legaleagle21 · 12/02/2011 00:51

I agree with all the might not realise i want to go out stuff etc. BUT if that was the case why woukd they purposefully not mention nights out etc in front of me.

Also small things happen at work - like i have the worst located desk. the managr and wkr 1 and 2 are als going on a few foriegn busnisses trips - i was not asked

OP posts:

Original poster

legaleagle21 · 12/02/2011 00:53

These were organised when i was still on mat leave - but it is the lack of mentioneing this that upsets me. I just find out what is going on fro mthe cleaner ot someone outside the team.

OP posts:

reinitindear · 12/02/2011 01:14

It is an awful situation to be in.As suggested before maybe explain how you feel to the manager if as you say she is also on the sidelines socially and suggest a monthly "bonding" session(I know Boak!) where you all go out after work and discuss any issuesget pissed

humanheart · 12/02/2011 02:15

I really REALLY wouldn't take this personally OP! they are being blind and YOUNG really - they all live single 'carefree' lives in the city centre, boogying on down . agree they are being exclusive (cliquey!) to a degree that is unacceptably blind - do you have a HR dept that you can have a word with on the quiet? btw being consistently left out is recognised as a form of bullying, which is why your confidence has plummetted and you are questioning yourself. not that they are necessarily doing it purposely, just caught up in their clique and blind to anyone else. though it's a bit miserable to be excluded from their social lives - they could do with a good slap imo (metaphorically speaking of course).

re the manager - she may not have invited you on the overseas trip bcs she may either have not wanted to put you in a compromising position re childcare OR she may have made an assumption that you wouldn't be interested (bcs of childcare)OR there are issues with your hours. do you have 1:1s with your manager? this should be the time to discuss stuff like this ie being included - a perfectly acceptable thing to expect in your job. that's not to say you can demand to be included socially - though you could obliquely refer to it in your 1:1 and see if she picks it up - but that hello, i'm on the map, i work here, I'm not a ghost.

it should be good working practise that every employee has avenues to discuss issues like this, which are recognised as stress factors in the working environment, particularly feeling left out by your team, however unwittingly.

good luck x

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 08:47

If they're not even greeting you when you get to work then they're bullying you. Even when I was 20 I had te god manners to greet people...even if I didn't socialise with them.

I think you need to speak to HR too.

pigletmania · 12/02/2011 09:13

The way the manager is, being a bit . Why not talk to your manager about they way they are to you, its not on, and suggest that team building exercises like someone has suggested would be a good thing, to break the ice. I think that its important for the manager to make sure that people in the team work well together and know eacher other, and that she should make more of an effort. Tbh they sound like a bunch of bitches, with 0 manners, not greeting anyone or saying hello, I am trying to teach my 3 year old how to be polite, I would most certainly expect it off and adult in their 20's.

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