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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that people on here are not rescuers and that they get far too involved?

125 replies

wannaBe · 11/02/2011 18:39

I've just read a thread where a poster has said that if she had the money she would hire a private detective to track someone down to make sure she was ok.

I am constantly baffled by the lengths that some posters seem to think it is their right to go to to get involved in someone else's problems they've posted online.

In the years I've been here I've seen posters call ambulances/the police/social services/ask mn to track people down etc.

Apart from the fact that most drama threads are trolls, why is it that people seem to think that they have the right to get so personally involved in someone else's life without being asked to, purely because the person has posted about it on here? The whole aim of mn is that it's anonomous, surely?

Tbh it's like competitive do-gooding.

And that's before we get to the possibility of a poster being a troll and someone getting seriously hurt one day...

OP posts:

MissRead · 11/02/2011 21:11

ImFab completely agree, I was amazed at how that took off, truly the power of the Internet, but in a good way? Not so sure. I think it was genuinely meant well but it seemed a bit like bandwagon jumping to me, almost a competition to see who could have the best idea. Some of them were ridiculous - 'shall we contact Justin Fletcher?' for example. What exactly do people think Mr Tumble has in his Spotty Bag that could have helped the OP's situation?

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2011 21:12

I think sometimes there is a line which it is difficult to judge whether it should be crossed or not.

There was a thread just before Christmas about a woman who had run out of money and had no food in the house. I was PM'd by another MNer who I 'know' who knows I live in the area, with a link to the thread asking if I could help.

I didn't know the poster in question, it was not someone who I have seen around here before, it was about 9 o'clock at night, and as it was I had had a drink so couldn't drive the 2 miles or so. And to be honest I don't think I would have. I thought it was a bit strange for a poster with zero posting history to start such a thread. But strangely enough I felt guilty, and posted on the thread saying I couldn't help because of being over the limit etc.

I thought that was a bit strange.

BrianAndHisBalls · 11/02/2011 21:12

Keep your wanking to yourself Thingumy

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/02/2011 21:12

Oh god the grammar on that post is appalling - apols.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 11/02/2011 21:14

How can you say it was well meant and bandwagon jumping? It can't be both. Wise or not it's pretty insulting to imply that anyone who 'helped' her that day did it for any other reason than genuinely wanting to help.

Thingumy · 11/02/2011 21:14

Brian you filthy heathen!

MissRead · 11/02/2011 21:22

No sorry perhaps that was a bit strong, but I do think there's a 'mentality' for want of a better word, of wanting to be involved in something without actually stopping to think if it's actually beneficial.

I can't bring myself to argue with you anyway GML, with your username you'll get stroppy and push me in the pool or something :)

TheShriekingHarpy · 11/02/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 11/02/2011 21:30

I have sent money and flowers and amazon vouchers to MNetters on occasion. I am quite cynical though and these were NEVER people who were asking for stuff.

The most off the wall thing I did was put up a MNetter and her family during the Volcanic Ash thing. So I opened my house to a total stranger. And it was lovely. We drank wine, smoked fags, gossiped about the lot of you, and now I am invited to her forthcoming wedding. I feel like I made a new friend, and am glad I could do a little something at what was a very stressful time for her.

This isn't all about cash though. Everytime you answer a post on here you give a little piece of yourself. I like to think, that in balance, MN has helped so MANY people - including me - and that the negative impact of trolls/nasty behaviour is minimal in comparison. Though maybe that is when I FIND a troll I am very guilty of publisicing the fact.

FreddyTeddy · 11/02/2011 21:39

I remember a thread where someone was having some sort of crisis and a poster said something along the lines of 'I know which town you live in, I'm on my way - can someone CAT me the OPs address?'
A little while later the same poster said something like 'I'll be leaving in ten minutes'

I can remember wondering if the OP and the 'helper' knew each other or not.

A little later the OP came on to ask the helper not to go.

I can remember thinking that in the OPs situation the last thing I would want is a (comparative) stranger turning up on my doorstep.

I think sometimes people are too easily drawn in and look on it as a real life soap opera and they for a brief time get to be part of the action as it were. Though I see that that isn't everyone's motivation when they offer to help.

MissRead · 11/02/2011 21:43

FreddyTeddy I think that was on the thread I was referring to. A genuinely kind thing to do but maybe not exactly what was needed, I thought much the same as you at the time.

Portofino · 11/02/2011 21:46

But some people are just nice. They are in a position to do something. On here, I always remember DreadPirate (seen no more, but maybe name changed) who went out of her way to practically support a poster who wanted to leave her abusive DH. I wonder how they are all getting on. Was she doing that for the "glory"? I think not.

jesuswhatnext · 11/02/2011 21:47

just wanted to say - you all may have seen the 'brave babes' thread in relationships (its the one full of alkies trying to stop! ) when i posted the first thread asking for help i was desperate, i really didnt know what i was doing or saying, i had no idea what i was really asking for help for, iyswim?

anyway, the thing is, since that first post nearly 9 months ago i cannot describe the help, support, care, and kindliness i have received!, in fact, the thread has grown all by itself, is now a mutual support 'group' and i cant thank everyone who has ever posted on there enough!

i know that a few of the regular posters have met up, some of us have each others number and chat, its like anyting in life, sometimes you have to take a chance, sometimes you have to be careful!

what i do believe, is that, without the thread and the support on it, i would not be sober now!

so, thank you very much!!

BranchingOut · 11/02/2011 21:52

I think that the dangers and risks of this kind of thing have increased in the last few years, because people have MN on smartphones so can respond instantly and therefore a thread can quickly spiral out of control. Also, because people may be posting when they are out and about rather than safely tucked up in front of a desktop PC, there is more chance of someone deciding to go and meet another poster etc. LIkewise, now that web forums are becoming connected to Facebook, Twitter etc the degree to which people are identifiable is much greater.

FreddyTeddy · 11/02/2011 22:06

As someone else has already mentioned I have been surprised by how many whip-arounds there have been too. A while back it seemed like the done thing to do was do a whip around for people, there were a few in a relatively short space of time, and I think maybe more than one for one poster.

I can remember thinking it was a nice thing to do, but I would probably never do it, unless I really knew the fellow mnetter in trouble but as I don't have any mnet friends I guess it will never happen!!

Original poster

wannaBe · 11/02/2011 22:24

where have I said that people shouldn't offer online support? where? My op was very specific - I was talking about people who get overly involved and who put themselves at risk in the process. In fact I started out by mentioning the person who was talking of wanting to hire a private detective to track someone down so that she could "arrange a chance meeting to check she's ok." Are there really people here that think that sort of action would be appropriate? really? Given some people consider mn a place of support, would you really feel comfortable posting here again knowing that there were people who might then hire someone to track you down so they could be involved?

There is a vast difference between getting to know someone over a period of time and then arranging to meet up with that person, in a public place, and responding to a first-time poster and offering to drive to their house in the dead of night, or even meet up with them in a public toilet, or give them your address...

Yesterday there was a piece on the news about how women have been conned out of over £2.5 million over the past six months from dating agencies, where men pose as potential dates and then turn out to be scammers. The internet is full of people who pretend to be something they're not, for the simple reason that they can.

You cannot compare talking online to someone, exchanging emails and then over time phone numbers and meeting up, possibly giving old clothes/toys/stuff you probably would have given away anyway, to rushing to the aid of someone you'd never heard of until their "plight" came to your attention.

What is it going to take for people to realise that? For someone to be hurt physically? raped? killed? We all know that people come here in response to very public threads. Look at the number of people that came here who have children with sn after the R situation was in the press. Mn has a reputation for being supportive. It also has a reputation for its users getting very involved, christmas appeals/driving to someone's house in the middle of the night with formula? meeting someone in a public toilet?

It wouldn't be hard for someone with a sinister agenda to post a cry for help thread in order to lure some of the more responsive posters into meeting them..

OP posts:

Portofino · 11/02/2011 22:35

WannaBe, you are right of course. It's sad, but you have to exercise caution.

I deal a lot with big businessmen. I like to think that my bullshit radar is finely tuned. But stuff gets past me on here all the time.

plupervert · 11/02/2011 22:36

This is a very worthwhile thread, WannaBe.

I have a name which I use for stories linked to my RL identity (very identifiable stories), and know that other posters do, too. Many threads start with "Am a regular but have namechanged". That strongly suggests that people want to be free to talk - just talk - online.

adamschic · 11/02/2011 22:36

I have seen threads where op's are hinting that they need cash and really shocked to see strangers offering money. Let's face it most people have enough money earned or unearned to feed their kids, atm anyway!

I saw the poo post and must admit if I had been near the area I would have offered to go round with spare clothes as I was once on meds that gave me the shits.

Original poster

wannaBe · 11/02/2011 22:42

I think though that the line "I'm a regular but have namechanged" is so familliar that anyone coming here to troll has probably seen it by now and knows what to post to gain credibility.

I think that what you also need to consider is that while the helpful could be putting themselves at risk, so could the vulnerable. If someone posts that they're in trouble and someone offers to go to them, that someone could just as easily have sinister intentions.

And it's a lot harder to warn against that. If you don't know the poster who is asking for help people can say to the good samaritan "be careful, you don't know that they are who they say they are," but if someone offers to go and help you can't really give the same message.

OP posts:

MordechaiVanunu · 11/02/2011 22:48

Oh dont be such on old cynic.

people like to help, it's an instinct that if someone is in trouble and you can help in some way you want to. There is an assumption that if you post about your problems you want help of some sort, so of cuorse lovely people rush in.

all this 'it's just a soap opera to them' or 'it's competitive' is just a lazy way of dismissing the ultrusitic instinct.

Saying that I've never offered or asked for help durng my many years n here. I'm an island me . But I like to see all the lovely poeple on here rushing in, it warms the cockles of my heart.

MordechaiVanunu · 11/02/2011 22:50

I have posted 'Im a regular but Ive name changed' SO many times as I reveal embarrassing yet tedious details of my life.

but ive never trolled.

Original poster

wannaBe · 11/02/2011 22:54

ah no, I certainly don't think that the line is indicative of a troll. Just that it probably isn't indicative of a regular either, iyswim.

Some of the more prolific trolls such as dizzymare are repeat offenders so to speak so would know the drill by now.

OP posts:

plupervert · 11/02/2011 22:56

"I think though that the line "I'm a regular but have namechanged" is so familliar that anyone coming here to troll has probably seen it by now and knows what to post to gain credibility. "

Yeah, yeah, it's all "Cod, Moldies, Shiney and the penguin." That is my reproduction of the "regular catechism", having been present for none of those phenomena.

(P.S. Have no idea who Cod was, except that she was "prolific". So there. Easy and total fabrication. Mischief managed.)

taugenichts · 11/02/2011 22:56

I think what's more worrying is the people who try to get other posters to do rescuing acts. That's really freaky, IMO. So you create a maudlin online hysteria, a bit like the grief over Princess Di's death, and then start bossing other sympathisers into doing stuff that their instincts tell them not to do.

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