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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my daughter needs to get over herself in this instance?

65 replies

missismac · 10/02/2011 17:35

A bit of background; my dear friend died 18 months ago leaving a (then) 13yr old daughter who now lives with her Dad. This daughter and my daughter were, and are, very good (sometimes 'best') friends and classmates.

Now they're both older, they are still at school together still have the same group of friends as well as other, more separate groups of friends. They are still fond of each other but have different interests and likes. So far so good.

DH & I are names are named as carers for DD's friend should anything ever happen to him. So I feel protective toward the girl, also promised her Mum we'd watch over her.

SO to the dilemma. Girls Dad had to go away for a couple of nights with work & asked whether she could stay with us. This would mean her coming here from school with DD for two nights and going to school with her for two mornings. We have spare room so agreed on the spot. When I told DD she reacted badly and went into strop saying couldn't girl go to someone else, she didn't want her here, she'd have to look after her etc.etc.

I said I didn't think much of her attitude and left her to get over it. Girl came - all was well. The two girls spent a lot of time giggling in DD's room. Didn't seem to be any issues or problems.

Have just said to daughter "so was it as bad as you thought?" & she replied that she never wanted me to do that again & next time i should say 'no' & girl should go to someone else because she just got so 'fed up' with girl by the end. I am a bit horrified by her callous selfish attitude - the girl has no Mum FGS, and don't quite know how to get across to DD that I have some responsibility to girl and so would probably not say 'no' if asked again. Let alone tackle DD's stinking attitude.

Am I being too tough on DD, or should I kick her up the bum (metaphorically)?

OP posts:
Thingumy · 10/02/2011 17:38

Sounds like she is jealous of your affection/attention towards the girl.

PaisleyLeaf · 10/02/2011 17:40

If the girl got a whiff of your DD's feelings about her staying, then she'll probably find another friend to ask herself.

staranise · 10/02/2011 17:40

I agree, it sounds like jealousy but she's old enough to know better and show a bit of compassion.

I would chat with her and try to get to the bottom of it rather than go in with all guns blazing but make sure she understands that her attitude comes across as selfish to say the least.

GypsyMoth · 10/02/2011 17:40

kick up the bum!!

my dd is 14 and her good friends mum died last year....i THINK dd is a bit jealous when i chat with her friend tho,and i have helped this girl in the past.

maybe she is confused a bit?

i can see my own dd is a bit conflicted with 'lending out' me,even if,in her words,she hates me!!

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/02/2011 17:41

Yes, jealousy, and maybe a bit of guilt about feeling like that because in here heart of hearts she knows that's not how she's meant to feel. Hence her wanting to get the last word. I'm not sure (mine are a bit younger). I don't think I would have felt or done any diffferent to you.

penelopestitsdropped · 10/02/2011 17:41

YANBU

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/02/2011 17:42

her heart of hearts

Bogeyface · 10/02/2011 17:42

She definetely needs to get over it. But I agree with Thingumy that it sounds like jealousy.

But I wouldnt be nice about it tbh, I would be furious that she could be so horrible and selfish and wouldnt mince my words in saying so!

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 10/02/2011 17:43

Kick up the bum.

coldtits · 10/02/2011 17:43

I know the child has no mum, and that as an adult, you can imagine how this has impacted upon her life, but your daughter is 13 and will struggle to empathise as she is not, herself, in the same situation.

This girl is encroaching HUGELY into your DD's family life. It's not surprising she feels resentful.

However.

I would not bow down to her pressure on this matter. You do (I agree) have a responsbility to this child, and you should fulfil it whether or not your daughter likes the idea.

whatsbutter · 10/02/2011 17:47

do you know that the girl who sadly lost her mum, hasnt become a bit of a madam herself though
loosing her mum has had to impact on her in a big way and could manifest in all sorts of ways

maybe your daughter has seen this and doesnt want to kick up a fuss saying she has changed and in doing so has made herself the villain in all this

i think there is a chance its not as black & white as made out

kittybuttoon · 10/02/2011 17:48

At least your daughter had the good grace not to show her feelings to the other girl.

I'd tell her that - at the very least - you'll be expecting her to do the same again if there's another visit.

I'd mention that any other sort of behaviour would be disgusting, and you feel ashamed for her that she's had these sort of thoughts towards her friend.

She's old enough to take this on the chin and realise that you're disappointed in her.

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/02/2011 17:49

I say things like "was it as bad as you thought?" to my DS1 - who is quite negative about new things. The problem is, I wonder if she interpreted as "I told you so" - she knows she was in the wrong, and hence her answering back stroppily. Doesn't mean you were wrong to say it - it means she may at least feel a bit guilty about being horrible - so she's got some self-insight......

Hope that makes sense

BlingLoving · 10/02/2011 17:50

I agree with the advice above. When I was growing up at various times we had various extra children who we seemed to pick up for whatever reason. I don't remember how my parents did this, but if they were regulars, they were treated more like siblings than friends - ie they were as independent as we were and while we did play together etc, we could also all disappear off to our own rooms if we wanted to.

I think part of it was that these children were genuinely treated as one of us in that they were given the same kind of chores as the rest of us etc? Same homework rules and so on?

NOt sure how you go about it, and don't have teenage children myself so can't advise, but would it be possible to make that work?

twirlymum · 10/02/2011 17:50

Oh God, this has bought back some unpleasant memories. Sad
My mum's cousin died when her children were 8 and 12.
They would come and stay with us in the summer holidays for a week or two. I was horrible to the 12 year old (girl).
One day I came out of the bathroom to find her wearing one of my dresses, and I went mad.
My mum did give me a kick up the arse (probably NOT metaphorically!) and told me a few home truths. My mum then explained that the girl had said she was so grateful to share my room, and that she really wanted to be like me Blush. Also asked how I would feel in her situation.
I was a lot nicer to her after that.
I think that was a good lesson in empathy.

bobs · 10/02/2011 17:51

All I can say is that my 13 yr old DD is way less empathetic than she was last year!

SingingTunelessly · 10/02/2011 17:52

There's no chance of any bullying or some such behaviour that you are not aware of? Does seem an over reaction otherwise from your DD particularly as you've said they are very friends.

onimolap · 10/02/2011 17:59

You have ties of affection and duty to the visiting girl, so your DD needs the kick up the bum as I'm sure you will continue to look over her as you promised to do.

But why after an apparently trouble-free visit was she so vehement? I think it would be worth finding out because you do not want this developing into a major problem later.

If your DD is swallowing her feelings temporarily in order to do the right thing, then some praise might be helpful. If they're having other social issues (at school, with peers) you may not be able to get to the bottom of it, but it might be worth a try.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/02/2011 18:02

I think you should ask her to be more specific.

Exactly what is the problem.

X did ...

X said ...

She can't just make sweeping statements. If she has a problem with something she needs to explain what it is. "fed up" is not good enough.

Original poster
missismac · 10/02/2011 18:07

Thanks all for your constructive & helpful comments. I think that you're all right when you say there is some jealousy there. The other girl has become a teeeny bit of a madam, & of course whilst I can make allowances for her circumstances I'm not with her all day & I do think it's a bit harder for her friends sometimes. She's not awful or anything, just a bit boastful & self absorbed maybe. She is very clever - always top of the class etc.etc. DD is a straight 'B' student so maybe feels a bit overshadowed sometimes.

Am going to speak to daughter later about it and clarify my position with regard to having responsibilities for this girl & the fact that - yes- she may well spend the odd overnight with us in the future.

BlingLoving - yes, it's a good point about being treated as one of the family when she's here. In fact I did do this & girl was given chores along with my own DC's. Interestingly DD was horrified by this as she said her friend was a guest & so should be exempt. I stuck to my guns though.

SIngingTunelessly - no I don't think there's any bullying involved. I can only go by instinct, but nothing seems to point that way. The girl isn't a controller - just a bit self interested (and why not indeed!).

Thankyou again for your comments everyone. I can't tell you how much it helps to hear other people's views. Parenting's a tough old game sometimes isn't it?

OP posts:
northerngirl41 · 10/02/2011 19:07

Just a thought - if in future the girl stays over could she be YOUR guest rather than DDs? I'm in the "give her a boot" camp but I do recall being shoved together with various children of friends of my parents as a kid and really hating it.

Possibly explaining that the guest needs entertained, she can either do it or you'll do it, but it's not up for discussion about whether or not she comes. Then you could do some baking, go shopping, raid wardrobes - whatever interests the girl and is not a burden to DD?

Original poster
missismac · 11/02/2011 12:07

So, talked to DD last night with limited success. I explained that DH & I have some responsibility to Girl and that there may well be times in the future when she will come to stay for short periods.

DD said " yes, but then it falls on me to entertain her". Hmmm - whilst I could see that this might arouse some sympathy, mine was very short lived - particularly as Girl is part of DD's close group of friends & they often have sleepovers, spend large parts of the weekend shopping together & hanging out etc.etc. They have been friends since they were 7 and are now both 15. They don't live in each others pockets though.

Northerngirl - not sure Girl could be classed as 'children of friends of ours' as I only met her Mum via the friendship between DD & Girl in the first place!

DD then said " I just got a bit fed up with her by this morning - I get fed up with lots of my friends after being with them for a long time" - I'm thinking she'd better never get married then!

I said that when Girl comes to stay she will be treated as one of the family. i.e she'll be expected to do light chores, and follow same rules our DC do. DD isn't expected to 'entertain' her - & I can't say I saw much of that going on this time actually- she's not a girl who needs a lot of entertaining anyway. She will be free to just live her life as usual but in our house rather than hers for the duration of her stay.

DD said "well, OK but next time check with me in advance"!!! I was Shock. I explained again that I wouldn't be 'checking' with her in advance as whether Girl stays with us or not is not her decision to take. It's mine & DH's. DD stomped off in a huff.

Think now that DD is actually a bit of a lazy selfish mare and am a bit Angry and ashamed of her attitude. But am not backing down.

OP posts:
coldtits · 11/02/2011 13:05

I think you're being very blind and self centred, actually.

How would you feel if your husband moved another woman (your friend) into the home for 2 days at a time "Because she's having a bad time and he mum died"??

How woulod you feel if you had no say in how long or how often she visited?

And as your friend, your peer, it would fall to you to entertain her.

And then, when you protest that you haven't been consulted ... you are told you are a selfish little madam?

Does that seem fair to you?

It doesn't seem very fair to me.

You are forcing your daughter to spend time with a friend that she doesn't want to spend - why doesn't she have a say in this?

coldtits · 11/02/2011 13:06

YOu are showing more regard to your daughter's friend than you are showing to your daughter.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/02/2011 13:08

So what she objects to is being expected to interact with this girl when she is here?

So take that away. Don't expect her to do that. When she is with you, you be the one to be with her and let your daughter do her own thing.

You may find that if she knows she has the freedom to, for example, bog off to her room by herself, or go out and meet friends without this girl, she might not even do it. Perhaps all she wants is the choice.